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The first food truck exclusively for dogs debuted in Seattle. It was open for a day before it was totaled by the dog driving it.

Acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony is reportedly considering having another child. She’s been interviewing nannies who don’t necessarily have to be good with children.

Police and medical personnel were called to a Philadelphia city school when several junior high students ate rice krispies treats containing marijuana. A school guidance counselor led an emergency assembly to teach students how to vape their pot instead.

A son who murdered his investment banker father after his weekly allowance was cut from $1,000 to $300 was convicted and sentenced to 30 years to life. He’s still pretty stoked, since $300 a week goes a long way at the prison store.

Christie Brinkley posted a photo on Instagram of her severely bruised arm, which led to her subbing in her daughter Sailor on Dancing With The Stars. The bruise is so bad, everyone wondered where DWTS contestant Ray Lewis was when it happened.

Tech entrepreneur Alexander Rhodes and founder of “porn recovery” site NoFap told CNN he was addicted to porn when he was 12 years old until he turned 25. He thanks his life turnaround to abstinence from masturbation and a new prosthetic arm.

Rutgers named Nunzio Campanille interim head football coach, firing Chris Ash after losing their last three games by a combined 112-16. Asked if he thinks the 1-3 team will go to a bowl game, Coach Nunzio said “ay, fuggeddaboutit!”.

Elon Musk said a SpaceX rocket could reach Mars next year. All it needs is a recharging station on the moon.

Forever 21 declared bankruptcy and will close 178 stores, in what they’re calling The Big So-Much-For-Forever Sale.

CNN posted a list of the best questions to ask during a job interview. Not on the list: “Are those real?”

 

 

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.

 

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Adam Neumann, founder and CEO of workspace management startup WeWork, is stepping down. Be on the lookout for his new venture, IQuit.

The Coast Guard intercepted a semi-submersible “narco sub” in the Pacific Ocean, carrying 12,000 pounds of cocaine valued at $135 million. The DEA is now trying to find a new home in the Witness Protection Program for the orca that gave them the tip.

A Philadelphia woman is pulling the wings off of spotted lanternflies and making them into earrings. So far, three women buying & wearing them have been kicked in the ear.

The Washington Mystics advanced to the WNBA finals, defeating the Las Vegas Aces. Said Aces all-star center Liz Cambage “we know when we’ve been licked”.

Fox News apologized for one of its on-air commenters referring to teen activist Greta Thunberg as “mentally ill” – adding that they’re staunch supporters of giving the mentally ill their own primetime shows.

A rare painting from the Italian master Cimabue, ‘Christ Mocked’, was found hanging over a hotplate in the kitchen of a woman living outside Paris. It is expected to sell for millions once experts complete the job of removing Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from it.

A walrus attacked and sank a Russian Navy boat that had gotten too close to its pups. An Admiral in the Russian Navy said “man we have some shitty boats”.

President Trump is reportedly in disbelief that Nancy Pelosi proceeded with impeachment after speaking to her on the phone Tuesday. He hasn’t misread a woman this badly since the time he thought then-wife Marla Maples would be excited about his date with Melania Knauss.

A parent who paid $250,000 to get his son into USC as a bogus water polo recruit was sentenced to four months in prison, or, a full semester.

The Governor of Massachusetts declared a four-month ban on all sales of e*cigarette and vaping products, sending dirtbag parents scrambling for new stocking-stuffer ideas.

 

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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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NBC is rebooting ‘Punky Brewster’ for new streaming service, Peacock. The new show depicts Punky in the present day as a single mother struggling with obesity and opioid addiction. They’re calling it ‘Chunky Junky Punky Brewster’.

New York City schools banned chocolate milk, although some kids are getting around the ban by vaping it.

New York State instituted an emergency ban on most flavored e*cigarettes. They’re to be off shelves within two months, exciting fruit-flavored vapers who love a good clearance sale.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese sold out of its ‘Bagel That’ device that cuts holes in bread and other foods, turning them into “bagels”. Bagel purists are angry, as are parents whose kids turned their hands into bagels.

President Trump named Robert O’Brien, hostage negotiator for the State Department, to be his new National Security Adviser. O’Brien will immediately start negotiating his own release.

Taiga Motors debuted the Orca, an electric Jet-Ski type personal watercraft that runs for up to two hours, then electrocutes everything within a quarter-mile when you recharge it.

The FBI is investigating the disappearance of CEO Michael Mann, believed to have stolen $35 million in client funds from his company MyPayrollHR. Mann is believed to be the only intelligent person in the U.S. working in human resources.

The second state dinner of the Trump presidency takes place Friday. Melania Trump will show off design changes, including restored draperies in the Green Room, restored furniture in the Blue Room, and new locks on her Bedroom.

Facebook formed an independent board to oversee content moderation decisions. “Do you think that’s hate speech?” asked one billionaire board member to another.

Model Chrissy Teigen accidentally posted her email address and was swarmed with unwanted FaceTime calls. Teigen answered one saying “..was 100 percent sure this would be a penis but nope just a nice stranger.” She then changed emails and answered a FaceTime call from her husband John Legend’s penis.

 

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Monday was National Guacamole Day, making Tuesday National Throw Out Your Brown Guacamole Day.

Scientists at MIT unveiled the blackest black ever created, absorbing 99.9% of light. They’re calling it “Flavor Flav”.

  • While the blackest black ever created is impressive, MIT researchers found most people think the shade that only absorbs 90% of light is prettier.

Rumors circulated that Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man may make one more onscreen appearance in Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie — a scene where Tony Stark gives multiple compelling reasons to Natasha Romanov why she shouldn’t portray Iron Man.

Golfer John Daly’s son, 16-year-old Little John, won the International Junior Golf Tour’s Florida Junior event by nine strokes. The elder Daly said he thinks his kid will get even better as his alcohol tolerance improves.

Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her part in the Operation Varsity Blues college cheating scandal. The prison is reportedly pretty cushy; Huffman plans to report several hours early for hair & makeup.

Christie Brinkley dropped out of Dancing With The Stars with an arm injury. “Boy, I didn’t think there was a more physically demanding job than modeling!” she said.

Lou Ferrigno – TV’s Hulk – is selling his Los Angeles home for $3.9 million. Ferrigno said the house has “the best home gym in the country”. The equipment is pretty average, but it’s filled with hot young women he paid to be there.

Men’s Health magazine published an article “What Happens To Your Body When You Stop Working Out for 90 Days”. It’s about how Jonah Hill preps for movie roles.

To promote growth of bee populations, McDonald’s in Sweden is converting roadside advertising billboards into hotels for bees. This follows their successful decades-long campaign turning human arteries into hotels for saturated fats.

Couples and therapists are advocating the 5-5-5 Method to resolve conflicts, where one partner talks for 5 minutes, the other talks for 5, then they converse together for 5 more. This is different than the less successful 5 Method, where one partner takes 5 seconds to confess to an affair.

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Old Navy announced plans to nearly double the number of their stores to over 2,000. They’ll even expand into Syria, where they’ll be known as Old Taliban.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves said doing psychedelic drugs like LSD “brought me closer to the planet and humanity” – specifically, she passed out on the grass and was revived by an EMT.

Tim Tebow was summoned to testify in the trial of an athletic trainer accused of injecting clients with illegal performance-enhancing drugs without their knowledge. Tebow refused comment according to his attorney, Jesus.

The manager of a Taco Bell in Louisville kicked out a group comprised of a woman and 20 homeless people she took there for dinner.  Taco Bell said the store manager will be retrained, and reminded that 75% of Taco Bell revenue comes from the homeless.

A transatlantic flight from Frankfurt to Cancun had to make an unscheduled landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee on the instrument panel. The cockpit was repaired and the pilot appreciated the extra time to sober up.

Harvard University said it’s reviewing $9 million in donations between 1998 and 2007 from the late Jeffrey Epstein. Harvard said they refused donations following his 2008 conviction, but do welcome and encourage financial gifts from other alumni pedophiles.

A new study suggests an elevator to the moon could be built for about $1 billion using existing technology – but would require a LOT of illegal immigrants to work construction.

  • Some critics question whether travelers would really use an elevator to the moon, considering how long they’d have to hold in farts.

Northwestern University psychologist Alexandra Solomon published a list of seven phrases couples can use to deepen their connection, including “tell me more” and “how do you want to feel?”. Just missing the list at #8 was “skip the condom”.

Kim Kardashian said before being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pain and numbness in her hands were so severe, she couldn’t lift her children to hand them off to nannies for days at a time.

Google Photos now lets U.S. customers order same-day prints, for old-fashioned types who like to send their dick pics in the mail.