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Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.

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Joe Biden thinks it would help the country heal if Donald Trump attends his inauguration, but he personally doesn’t care if Trump doesn’t go. Trump hasn’t said if he’ll be there, but as of now he’s only checked ‘Interested’.

ESPN terminated ‘NFL Live’ and radio host Trey Wingo, who’s now Trey Wingone.

Scientists think they now know why salmon have been mysteriously dying on the West Coast – they never learned how to swim.

Former Congressman John Delaney proposes giving Americans $1,500 stimulus checks in exchange for getting a COVID-19 vaccine. He claims this will help build immunity, and create part-time jobs earning up to $15,000 a year.

50 billion British Pounds worth of banknotes are missing from the Bank of England and no one has an explanation. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent Donald Trump ten boxes of Christmas presents.

A Taiwanese man lied to his wife, telling her the Playstation 5 he bought was an air purifier. She discovered and made him sell it, after their apartment set a new high score for pollen and pet dander.

A Texas high school football player was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, then ran off the sideline and tackled the referee, concussing him. The referee entered the Concussion Protocol, and the student/athlete entered the Expulsion Protocol.

Queen Elizabeth II’s dog Vulcan died, leaving her with one remaining dog, Candy, who is now the only other bitch in line for the throne.

The FCC & FAA intend to officially ban cell-phone calls made by passengers when the plane is in flight. Although they’re considering an exception for Boeing 737MAX passengers whose jet is falling out of the sky.

Warner Bros Pictures announced it will simultaneously release all its upcoming films on HBO Max & cinemas. However, every microwave popcorn maker is raising prices to $15/bag.

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A new study from Arizona State University finds alligators can regrow severed tails, leading other scientists to question how in the hell alligators got to Arizona State.

The U.S. Department of Transportation ruled airlines can ban emotional support animals from flights – especially if they’re drunk.

In South Korea, high-school students spent Thursday taking the 9-hour-long national college entrance exam. Meanwhile, in Mississippi, students completing 9 hours of classroom work received their high school diplomas.

Former Presidents George Bush, Barack Obama & Bill Clinton say they’ll all receive COVID-19 vaccines publicly to instill public faith in them – though Clinton asked if he could see what the nurse looked like first.

3M is cutting 2,900 jobs. That’s according to a Post-It the CEO stuck on his desk to remind him.

Some Amazon customers in the U.K. who ordered Playstation 5 consoles received shipments of cat food instead. Investigators found the PS5s were stolen in an elaborate scheme involving warehouse workers and cats sitting on laptops.

Following his statement that the Department of Justice did not find election fraud, Attorney General William Barr and Donald Trump had a “contentious” White House meeting, because Barr insisted on eating something other than a Big Mac.

A U.S. Labor Board claims Google illegally spied on protesting workers before firing them. The workers said they found out when their Google Calendars added an event ‘Put Your Personal Belongings In A Cardboard Box’.

Lon Adams, who developed the recipe for Slim Jims, died at age 95 of COVID-19 complications, although arterial buildup of Slim Jim goop wasn’t doing him any favors, either.

Reno, Nevada set up a COVID-19 treatment unit in a parking garage. At least a dozen drivers have been circling for hours waiting for a ventilator to open up.

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The Department of Justice is investigating whether White House staff were bribed in exchange for Presidential pardons. They won’t say by who, but two bengal tigers are appearing at the White House Christmas Party.

Actor Ellen Page announced he is transgender and will be known as Elliott Page from now on. He said he did it to live as his authentic self, and for the 30% pay raise.

A California court told Dr. Dre to reveal his finances as part of ongoing divorce proceedings, or face $100,000 in fines. Dre said his accountant needs more time to relabel hundreds of expense entries currently categorized as “ho’s”.

Irene Bedard, the actress who voiced Pocahontas in the Disney animated film, was arrested two times for disorderly conduct while allegedly drunk. She was released into the custody of caring woodland creatures.

Apple released its annual list of Apps & Games of the Year – led by ‘The Ones That Make Us The Most Money’.

New York eatery The Meatball Shop is suing Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Deena, saying they stole trademarks for the sale of their own Meatball Squad merchandise. The lawsuit will likely be settled with an out-of-court sit-down.

On Monday night, stargazers witnessed a Beaver Full Moon, named by Native Americans for the time of year when beavers finish building winter lodges, and named by Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt for entirely different reasons.

Amazon added webcam support to its Fire TV Cube streaming device. Just say “Alexa, show me naked people in front of a webcam.”

TikTok is reportedly testing videos up to 3 minutes long, up from the current 1 minute, so you can watch your kid’s terrible dancing for three times longer.

Spotify announced it now hosts a catalog of 1.9 million different podcasts – equal to 114 million minutes of trees falling in a forest.

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The CDC is meeting to determine the first recipients of COVID-19 vaccines – not counting the ones who keep it after the White Elephant gift exchange at the CDC office Christmas party.

After a large metal monolith was placed in a remote Utah desert and then removed, another has been found in Romania. Many believe the tall steel monuments are the work of aliens who don’t know how to find someplace cool to leave their mark.

‘Not Wanted’ posters of Ivanka Trump are appearing in New York City. Trump is reportedly planning to move her family to New Jersey or Florida – places that aren’t as prone to negative publicity.

On Monday morning, outgoing First Lady Melania Trump unveiled the f**king White House Christmas decorations.

Sean Hannity admitted to his Fox News show’s audience that he doesn’t ‘vet’ the content that airs on it, right before Betsy Devos made her cable television stand-up comedy debut.

Barack Obama admitted that he received national security briefings regarding UFOs, but wouldn’t say if he believed them. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is seeking additional funding for the Space Force.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly received an experimental COVID-19 vaccine. News agencies claim it was delivered from China, but Kim said he developed it himself at his remote Fortress Of Solitude.

South Korea modified its military service requirement so a member of boy-band BTS won’t have to join the Army on his 28th birthday. South Korean soldiers are bummed they won’t get to learn any new choreography for parades.

McRib returns to all McDonald’s locations on Wednesday, according to a McDonald’s spokesperson, and to the senior agent leading a Secret Service motorcade departing the White House at 11:50p.m. tonight.

A possible tornado damaged a Costco in suburban Philadelphia on Monday. A real tornado, not shoppers trying to score a $300 70-inch tv.

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United Airlines is rushing shipments of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine has now spent four days waiting for Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to move it.

The Pope appointed Archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American Cardinal in the Catholic church. Gregory has spent more time in rooms full of sweaty, naked men than black Cardinal Ozzie Smith.

Vanderbilt University’ placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was still “almost ready”.

Trixie, the largest whale shark at the Georgia Aquarium, died. The smaller whale sharks are expected to mourn, then eat her.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers received a few votes from people who weighed in after being stabbed in the parking lot.

President-elect Joe Biden hurt his foot playing with his dog, and will need to wear a boot on his injured foot, in addition to the boot on his good foot to kick Trump out of the White House.

A report claims Iran’s top nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh was assassinated with a remote-control machine gun – the same one that’s sold out everywhere after being listed in the 2020 Al Qaeda Holiday Gift Guide.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and already aren’t speaking to each other.

The Denver Broncos lost 31-3 to the New Orleans Saints, in a game the Broncos played without any quarterbacks on the roster due to COVID-19. The New York Jets lost to Miami, dropping to 0-10 in a game where they were without any quarterbacks for the third month in a row.

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New Jersey enacted a law requiring all police officers wear body cameras. Then they passed another law requiring the cameras be worn with the lens facing outward.

Secret Service agents are reportedly being asked if they would consider transferring to Mar-A-Lago after January 20th. “Do we have to guard him too?” asked several candidates.

Dave Chappelle convinced Netflix to remove Chappelle’s Show from the service because he doesn’t collect royalties from it. Netflix also removed Rob Schneider’s comedy special – not because Schneider asked, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Jersey Shore’s Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and his wife are expecting a baby, ‘The Accident’.

Donald Trump plans to attend a Pennsylvania State Legislature hearing in Gettysburg on the state’s election processes at 12:30pm. Then he’ll ask for the Gettysburg Address of the nearest McDonald’s.

A mysterious metal monolith was found in a remote part of the Utah desert. Its purpose and origin were unknown until a jackrabbit came along and recharged his cell phone with it.

Joe Biden will address the nation on Thanksgiving about the alarming rise in COVID-19 cases, then flip a switch that lights a christmas tree and keeps his pacemaker running.

Thousands of prisoners in California State Penitentiaries received fraudulent claims for unemployment benefits, costing the state $20 million. The good news is the high-quality ingredients they purchased made 2020’s toilet wine the best vintage ever.

Scotland became the first country to require free menstrual products in public facilities nationwide. The costs to the nation are expected to be offset by an economic boom in tennis, horseback riding and bicycling.

The audio book for Alex Trebek’s memoir ‘The Answer Is..Reflections on My Life‘ was snubbed by the Grammys in the Best Spoken Word Album category. Grammy officials said the title was not submitted in the form of a question.

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Donald Trump’s job approval ratings fell in the first poll taken since the election, from 46 percent to 43 percent. The other 57 percent split between “disapproval” and “thinking he’d already quit”.

Utah dropped restrictions on group gatherings before Thanksgiving – now Mormon men can celebrate with all 12 of their wives.

A new study finds Missouri is the deadliest state for both COVID-19 infection and gun violence. Missouri’s governor announced a new plan to curb the spread of COVID-19 by testing more people, and shooting the ones who test positive.

China launched a space mission to the moon on Monday. Stargazers can follow the rocket all night as it travels through space with its turn signal on.

Qantas Airlines said they’ll require a COVID-19 vaccine for passengers on international flights. Spirit Airlines said they won’t follow suit for domestic flights, but still recommend a tetanus shot since there’s no telling what passengers will sit on.

NBC News reported that Donald Trump fears his Rudy Giuliani-led legal team is comprised of “fools who are making him look bad”. Trump was applauded on Capitol Hill for finally being right about something.

General Services Administration head Emily Murphy officially began the transition process to a Joe Biden presidency, after learning Biden plans to give all outgoing workers a free Honeybaked Ham.

Melania Trump greeted the delivery of the official White House Christmas Tree. Then sped away in the flatbed truck as the workers unloaded it.

CEO Ed Stack will retire after 36 years at Dick’s Sporting Goods. President Lauren Hobart will take over, becoming the first woman ever in charge of growing Dick’s.

Pornhub is selling discounted Premium Lifetime subscriptions at just $200 for Black Friday, although they also have offers for Teen Friday, Asian Friday, MILF Friday, Gay Friday & others.

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Nevada is limiting Thanksgiving gatherings to 10 people. They also announced a Thursday pay-per-view fight between the 10th & 11th guys in line for turkey dinner at a Las Vegas homeless shelter.

A new study claims people over age 45 are at greater risk of sexually transmitted infections, because they’re no longer worried about pregnancy, and because can you believe how much money they want for condoms these days?!

A viral video shows a Florida man pulling a puppy from the mouth of an alligator. The puppy is fine, and the alligator is considering adopting a kitten.

Melania Trump is planning to decorate the White House for Christmas one last time, according to a stock clerk at the nearby Ollie’s Bargain Outlet who said they’re sold out of inflatables.

New York City cops broke up an 80-person swingers party in Queens over the weekend. Police did praise those in attendance for using protection, and for finding inventive new uses for Purell.

British pro soccer player Darnell Fisher faces league discipline after being caught grabbing an opponent’s penis twice. He wasn’t carded, because he avoided touching the balls.

150 cold-stunned turtles – who couldn’t navigate to warmer water in time – were rescued on or near Cape Cod beaches, then moved to safety…slowly.

The first COVID-19 vaccines will likely require individuals to get two shots, one where the health professional tries to give it to you, and a second time where you stop being a pussy and sit still.

Donald Trump Jr said that, despite his COVID-19 positive test, he’s completely asymptomatic. He then asked his girlfriend if that means he feels good or not.

New York City residents are spraying their cars with cinnamon and mint oil to ward off giant rats that chew through wiring and damage engines. Rats are reportedly frustrated, but they smell amazing.