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A new study finds walking immediately after a meal reduces gas. However, the findings are disputed by people walking behind study participants.

Michigan confirmed 25 cases of the highly contagious COVID-19 Delta variant – one person at an urgent care, and 24 people waiting in cars at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru next door.

New York City holds its Democratic Mayoral primary election, with eight official candidates vying to see if they can get more votes than Lin-Manuel Miranda gets write-ins.

A California appeals court has temporarily upheld the state’s ban on assault weapons, making workplace retirement parties just a little safer for now.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is threatening to jail citizens who don’t get vaccinated against COVID-19. His stance is worrying incarcerated murderers, who don’t want to listen to anti-vaxxers all day.

A South African woman who claimed to have given birth to 10 babies at once was admitted to a psychiatric ward after doctors found no physical evidence of her alleged c-section, only balloon shrapnel in her sweatpants.

Retired quarterback Eli Manning is taking a job in business development with the New York Giants. So far he’s been assigned three projects, two are incomplete and the third was intercepted by a coworker.

A French engineer claims to have cracked the long-unsolved Z13 and Z32 ciphers of the Zodiac Killer. Cryptographers think he’s wrong, since he theorizes Z13 is ‘KAYE’, a clue to the killer’s name, and Z32 is ‘Drink More Ovaltine’.

Actress Jordana Brewster of the Fast & Furious movie franchise revealed she had a crush on co-star Paul Walker after finding out he had a crush on her. It never worked out because Paul ended up crushing on a Porsche and a tree.

Medical journal JAMA said COVID-19 infections are twice as high in households that hosted a children’s birthday party – and even higher in households that hired FreeZo – the Libertarian, Anti-Vaccination Party Clown.

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New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.

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Protesters object to a planned wind turbine farm off the coast of Atlantic City. They say the turbines will harm ocean life; proponents claim that wind power will somehow create even more blow jobs for Atlantic City.

A sixth grader completed a science fair project called “Does your cat’s butthole really touch all the surfaces in your house?” by applying lipstick to two cats’ rectums and tracking them. The kid got an ‘A’, but his mom’s goodnight kiss with her date was a disappointment.

The City of Philadelphia lifted some restrictions on outdoor dining and other activities, giving gangs even more stuff to shoot at.

To battle diseases, Florida will release over 100,000 genetically-engineered non-biting male mosquitoes, so they’ll mate with biting females, with female offspring unable to survive. They’ll measure success by observing mosquito gender-reveal parties.

Meat processing brand Farmer John no longer makes Dodger Dogs, the official hot dog of the Los Angeles Dodgers. The team now sells ‘Traditional Dodger Dogs’, and every vendor and concession stand lost a Michelin star.

Boeing posted their sixth consecutive quarterly loss, telling angry shareholders that profits are dropping faster than a 737MAX.

Caitlyn Jenner’s sons are reportedly unhappy about her announced run for Governor of California. Jenner said she didn’t plan to run for Governor, but did so because her original plan to retire & get pregnant didn’t work out.

NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter snapped a photo of the Perseverance rover while it flew on Mars. Then Perseverance made it go back and take three more and pick a flattering filter.

Pfizer’s CEO says an antiviral pill to treat COVID-19 could be available by the end of the year. They just need to figure out how patients on ventilators can swallow it.

Kanye West told the New York Post’s Page Six that, after his divorce from Kim Kardashian, he wants his next relationship to be with “an artist and a creative person”. So, not just any stripper.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

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Eastern Kentucky linebacker Michael Harris was arrested after dashcam video shows him lifting a police officer over his head during his arrest. He remains in jail, but is hoping to get out in time to bench-press cops at the NFL Combine.

Attorney General William Barr told ABC News that President Trump’s tweets “make it impossible to do my job”. Meanwhile, Trump is telling aides that the new White House intern’s tight blouses and skirts “make it impossible to do my job.”

Subaru received low scores in the J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability Study, based mostly on responses from the member of broken-up female couples who don’t get to use the Subaru anymore.

Walmart announced it’s discontinuing their ‘high-end personal shopping service’, Jetblack. Walmart said it was losing money on the $50-a-month service, despite being able to pay six employees for $50 a month.

Genea Sky, a stripper whose fall from a 15-foot pole was seen millions of times, said she no longer wants to dance again. Sky said she suffered a fractured jaw, although it’s unclear whether that was caused by the fall, or a busy night in the Champagne Room.

A California lab claims to have created a coronavirus vaccine. They plan to start testing on humans this summer, just as soon as they can round up 100 people who each have coronavirus and $50,000 cash.

Roku claims that, by 2024, half of U.S. cable households will have cancelled their video service. Comcast disputed that claim, saying it’s impossible when their current on-hold times to disconnect TV average around three years.

Aerosmith welcomed back drummer Joey Kramer, after telling him he couldn’t perform with the band at the Grammys. Band members admitted they couldn’t really see or hear who was playing the drums, anyway.

Southwest is cancelling almost 400 daily summer flights each day because of Boeing’s cancellation of the 737 MAX. They’re communicating the news to passengers by telling them they’re in boarding group Z.

Universal is planning to open a “Classic Monsters” land in its Epic Universe Theme Park. Kids will be able to interact with scary monsters of yesteryear, such as Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman – and the grandparents who came along on the trip.

 

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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.

 

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.

 

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Donald Trump tweeted attacks at the hosts of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, saying host Mika Brzezinski was “bleeding from a facelift” during a January visit to Mar-A-Lago. First Lady Melania Trump defended her husband’s tweets, and asked Brzezinski if she used the doctor she’d recommended.

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders also defended the tweets, telling Fox News that Trump “fights fire with fire”..and that he’d have tweeted the fire emoji if he knew how to find it.

The Chicago Cubs visited President Trump at the White House. The last time the Cubs won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was President. Hearing this, Trump used the opportunity to brag that he carries a bigger stick.

Senator Ted Cruz posed with the Cubs World Series Championship trophy, finally giving Cubs fans a reason to regret winning it.

The state of California may require a warning on weed killer Roundup after research showed that active ingredient glyphosate is carcinogenic. The study followed dandelions that contracted cancer from Roundup.

  • Monsanto, the makers of Roundup, called the research “fatally flawed”. Monsanto is now hiring a new copywriter for their press releases.

McDonalds restaurants in India’s capital of New Delhi are all closing down temporarily as a result of expiring operating licenses — not because of Vindaloo McNuggets casualties.

Instagram introduced a new tool that blocks offensive comments, and also blocks spam in comments. As a result, Kardashian Instagram snaps have 90% fewer comments, and people may never know how to make money working from home.

#HeterosexualPrideDay is trending on Twitter, presumably because of people who like really boring parades.

City of Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams pled guilty to multiple bribery related offenses, thereby ending government corruption in Philadelphia for a few seconds.

An Indian doctor has created “Laughter Yoga”. It’s just regular yoga, where you don’t have to pretend you’re not laughing at the injuries, falling and farting.

The Atlanta Hawks debuted planned renovations to their home arena, including a bar behind the basket at floor level. The Hawks wanted to add convenience for groupies and people who don’t want to watch the game.

Jaguar has introduced the quickest passenger vehicle it has ever produced. At 592 horsepower, it goes from zero to the repair shop in under four seconds.