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The estate of the late Paul Reubens – ‘Pee Wee Herman’ is auctioning furniture from his private collection. Buyers are advised that the furniture does not talk, and seats from his private screening room are sold ‘as is’.

ESPN host Pat McAfee apologized for calling WNBA Indiana Fever rookie Caitlin Clark a “white b*tch” while praising her impact on the league. McAfee promised to only use the phrase when referring to caucasian male athletes he doesn’t like.

A Delta Airlines first class passenger had a “poop accident” which caused the entire front of the aircraft to stink. Other passengers praised the flight attendant’s handling of the difficult situation, as she used her heel to kick out a window so oxygen masks deployed.

A Philadelphia city crossing guard was arrested for giving cannabis edibles to teenagers on their way to school. None of the kids are learning anything, but everyone’s chill and hallway fistfights are way down.

Donald Trump lost his New York State gun permit after his felony conviction. He’s still expected to get off 100 shots at his Florida & New Jersey golf courses, then say he shot 70.

A toddler was lifted in to the air by her shirt by a giraffe as the family drove through a Texas safari park. The giraffe lowered the toddler back down without injury, but the toddler will be a little quicker to hand over the Skittles next time.

For the first time ever, ocean wildlife observers in Australia witnessed a tiger shark regurgitating a whole echidna – a dome-shaped sea mammal covered in spines. In another first, that same day, they witnessed a different shark regurgitate an entire Arby’s Beef & Cheddar combo.

A 2022 study asserted that 38 percent of WNBA players are gay. A similar study of NBA players remains incomplete because 10 percent of the players haven’t returned the questionnaire.

Author Suzanne Collins announced a fifth ‘Hunger Games’ book – a prequel set 24 years before the original – tentatively titled “No Thanks I’m Full’.

A new sexually-transmitted fungal infection, TMVII, was found on a New York City man, with rashes on his penis, buttocks & limbs after he traveled to Greece, England & California and had sex with partners in each location. Worse, he can’t find a doctor he can pay in frequent flier miles.

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An Alabama man hugged 1,123 trees in an hour to break a world record. Other Alabama men failed after spending too much time hugging the trees with waist-level knotholes.

Newly-deciphered text from ancient scolls reveals details of Greek philosopher Plato’s final day before his death, with Plato allegedly having said “let’s give that new roast beef place Arbysius just opened a try”.

Comcast-owned streaming service Peacock increased prices, citing increased programming costs for the Paris Olympics and “because we like making money”.

Dave & Busters will now allow $5 bets on arcade games – and addiction counseling to people who blow their mortgage payment $5-at-at-time on skeeball.

Cannabis retailer MedMen filed for bankruptcy, citing $414 million in debt, and too many customers who took the weed and kept saying “dude, you know I’m good for the money..”

Harvey Weinstein is expected to appear in court to be re-arraigned on overturned sexual assault charges, despite a recent hospitalization. His spokesperson said Weinstein has cardiac issues, diabetes, and is nearly blind – making it extremely difficult for him to sexually harass prison cafeteria ladies.

A 2.6 magnitude aftershock was registered in New Jersey, as men wearing gold chains during sex took credit for making the Earth move.

Barbra Streisand was dragged for replying to Melissa McCarthy’s Instagram photo by asking her if she takes Ozempic. Streisand apologized, saying she’s known McCarthy for years, adding “wegovy way back”.

The LA Dodgers/Arizona Diamondbacks game at Arizona’s Chase Field was delayed 2 hours by a swarm of bees that landed in the netting behind home plate. A beekeeper removed them and determined they were Dodgers fans because they left the game early.

The families of an alleged road rage killer and his victim brawled inside a Massachusetts courtroom. Officials broke up the fight and the judge told them to go outside and settle it with their cars.

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A New Jersey worker at Olive Garden was confirmed to have hepatitis A. For a limited time, diners can pay one price for unlimited soup, salad, breadsticks and liver damage.

  • He was diagnosed after a recent shift, and will not be allowed to return to work until cleared by a medical professional, or until another line cook quits.

People are paying up to $12,000 to have their eye color changed. Others are going blind and suing the makers of Just For Men and L’Oreal eye color kits.

A Florida school district removed dictionaries to review them for content describing sexual conduct. Mississippi school districts removed them following complaints from students that they couldn’t follow the story.

Popeyes is offering free wings if the Eagles, Ravens, or Buffalo win the Super Bowl. If the Dolphins win, StarKist will stop putting them in tuna cans.

eBay was fined $3 million after employees sent live spiders and cockroaches to harass a couple who criticized the company. eBay is also being sued by customers who say they never received the spiders and cockroaches they purchased.

Disney’s Pixar animation studio will reportedly undergo significant layoffs in 2024. What goes ‘Up’ must come ‘Down’.

Former ‘Good Morning America’ host TJ Holmes said he’d down up to 18 drinks a day after he was fired for an affair with co-host Amy Robach – expanding a good morning to a good afternoon & evening, as well.

Flight attendants revealed a code word for difficult passengers, ‘Philip’. It originated from PILP, ‘Passenger I’d Like to Punch. On Spirit Airlines, alpha passengers are called AFCs, for Airborne Fight Club Champions.

A University of Colorado study finds cannabis can motivate users to exercise. That’s if you count running to the door to get the pizza as a workout. [h/t to J.O.!]

Hertz Rental Car is selling 20,000 electric vehicles. Hertz claims the electrics are expensive to repair, and that only about 20% of customers renting them pay the extra fee for a full tank of gas.

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Following allegations of sex at Jeffrey Epstein’s home with a 17-year-old girl, Britain’s Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles. Andrew will no longer be officially addressed as Captain Horndog.

The Biden Administration will make face masks free for all Americans, delighting poor families whose kids will trick-or-treat as ‘Surgeon’ next Halloween.

An ‘exquisite’ 2,000-year-old Roman figure was found during a railway excavation in the United Kingdom – next to a ‘nefarious’ 2,000 year old figure of a mustached guy in a black top hat & cape who tied her there.

Female Walmart truck drivers filed a class action lawsuit over the company requiring them to wear mens pants on the job. The suit asks that they be allowed to dress more like Walmart customers, and wear no pants.

Rapper Meek Mill, actor Kevin Hart and Philadelphia 76ers co-owner Michael Rubin donated $15 million to defray costs at Philadelphia parochial & private schools, in case you were wondering where Father Michael got that new Lexus.

Retired player & NFL analyst Bart Scott recommended Buffalo Bills QB Josh Allen take Viagra to improve blood flow during Saturday’s playoff game, where temps will be in the single-digits. The idea was rejected by Mitch Morse, the Bills center who’s bent over snapping the ball to Allen.

The new BD Veritor COVID test allows you to digitally share your results with contacts. They’re also working on an STD test, where you’ll probably want to disable the contact-sharing until you see the results first.

Researchers discovered over 60 million “breeding nests” of Antarctic icefish on the floor of the frigid Weddell Sea. They were located after sonar detected Barry White songs coming from the icefish late-night breeding playlist.

Cannabis use can prevent COVID-19 infection, according to a new study which followed hundreds of stoners who weren’t leaving their house anyway.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ contestant Clint Arlis died at age 34. Bachelorettes placed roses on his grave, but added that doesn’t mean they want to make out with him again.

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Police are searching for an Oklahoma man who defecated in a grocery store freezer, where a woman put her hands in it while reaching for Totino’s Pizza Rolls. She still eats pizza rolls, but has sworn off Fudgsicles for life.

COVID-19 is now the number one cause of death among U.S. law enforcement officers. In a rare act of unity, the Bloods, Crips, MS-13 and Latin Kings have all made COVID-19 an honorary member.

Rapper Saweetie teamed up with Hidden Valley Ranch to endorse a limited edition of Crocs footwear, whose green-flecked beige color mimics the look of the salad dressing, while the rubber of the shoes mimics the taste of vegetables dipped in it.

According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index survey, McDonald’s is the “least-trusted” U.S. fast-food chain. Conversely, Arby’s is the chain most-trusted to make respondents feel ill.

The Justice Department is reviewing its policies on housing transgender inmates in federal prisons, including guidelines for honeymoon nights when transgender prisoners get married.

Copenhagen was named ‘World’s Safest City’ by The Economist. Through 15 pages of single-spaced listings, still no sign of Chicago.

Habitual users of cannabis, especially teens, are reportedly experiencing severe abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting. Emergency room doctors in legal-marijuana states blame the new Hidden Valley Ranch line of THC edibles.

Antoine Dodson – star of the viral 2010 “Hide yo wife, hide yo kids” video – started a GoFundMe to pay funeral expenses for his mother. “Find yo credit cards, find yo Paypal” he says in a new video.

Actor Jason London, star of 1993’s ‘Dazed and Confused’ was arrested for DUI after police found him behind the wheel of a car that crashed, was stuck in a ditch and on fire. Cops described the vehicle as “a lot like London’s career”.

Bam Margera’s wife has not yet filed for divorce, but is seeking sole custody of their 3-year-old son. She said she’d like Bam to have visitation rights, but supervised, and only after he’s removed the beehive from his head.

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The zoo featured in Netflix series ‘Tiger King’ has been permanently closed. The tigers wish it were done sooner so they could have collected $600/week unemployment benefits.

Apple’s value has doubled in the past two years, from $1 trillion in $2 trillion dollars. Thanks to profit sharing, teenage assembly workers are now on track for early retirement at age 80.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyers say she’s being monitored by prison psychologists for several hours a day without her knowledge. For their part, the psychologists say she’s getting pretty good at tying knots.

The Zoom videoconferencing app is coming to Facebook Portal, so the five people who bought one can chat with one another.

Google is testing the 6GHz spectrum in 17 states. In addition to the existing 2.4GHz and 5GHz spectrum, it’s expected to give households a third wifi network option that they don’t know how to set up.

The creator of MyPillow, Mike Lindell, is claiming oleandrin – a toxic floral compound – could treat coronavirus. Better still, if the FDA approves it, they’ll get a second oleandrin sample for free.

Discovery channel will air a three-part series, ‘Growing Belushi’, highlighting actor Jim Belushi’s legal cannabis farm in Oregon. So tune in if you’re looking for one of the few reasons not to like legal cannabis.

Donald & Melania Trump’s absentee ballots in Florida’s primary election were collected – all ten of them.

The Food & Drug Administration is launching a “substantive review” of Juul e-cigarettes. To complete it, they’ve requested permission to temporarily hire a bunch of cool kids.

A couple was caught having sex during a Zoom board meeting of Rio de Janeiro school counselors. The remaining participants fought about whether or not the sex should be on mute.

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The NBA held its 2019 Draft on Thursday night, coinciding with Vogue Magazine’s 2019 Worst Dressed List release party.

An early-morning petroleum refinery explosion in South Philadelphia was felt for several miles. Residents are thankful it happened in between gas explosions at dining areas of Pat’s and Geno’s steaks.

Industry experts say cannabis sales could reach $15 billion globally in 2019 – or, $50 over $15 billion if your friend’s buddy comes through.

Lindsay Lohan signed a record deal with Casablanca Records – free download codes for her new album are expected to hit yogurt containers in 2020.

‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ star Margaret Josephs was honored for her contributions to the Englewood, NJ community – by staying out of it.

A benign cyst was found on retired WWE diva Nikki Bella’s brain – surgeons worked several hours detaching it with blows from a folding chair.

Outside of Hollywood dining hotspot Craig’s, a shirtless ‘Ivan Drago’ lookalike Russian in boxing shorts & gloves challenged Justin Bieber to a fistfight. It’s the kind of Russian interference every American supports.

CBS News is exposing a scam where counterfeit surgical screws were placed in the backs of spinal fusion patients in Southern California. Patients describe their suspicions when told their surgery would take place in the storeroom of Ace Hardware.

A Samsung exec told the crowd at an event in Seoul that the months-delayed folding smartphone Samsung Galaxy Fold is “ready to hit the market!” He appeared alongside executives from Dollar General and Big Lots.

Google responded to a Wall Street Journal report that there are millions of fake business listings in Google Maps.  Users reportedly drove for hours trying to find Mike Hunt Subaru and Mike Hunt Mini Cooper dealerships.

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Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.