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A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

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Cheesecake Factory furloughed 41,000 employees. Each received a pager which will buzz when it’s their turn to come back to work. [Reader Submitted Joke! Thanks to…”T”!]

Doctors claim a loss of taste and smell is an early warning of coronavirus infection. This has been true in China and the U.S., but is unproven in the U.K. because so many people there just don’t want to smell or taste the food anyway.

Archaeologists in Leeds, England found more than 600 bottles of toxic beer under the stairs in a brewery dating back to the 19th century. The bottles contain lethal amounts of lead, and are labeled Coors Light.

Nintendo is planning to commemorate the Super Mario series 35th anniversary with new games. In related news, Mario and Peach announced they’re separating just shy of their 35th Anniversary.

MIT will post plans online for an emergency ventilator that can be built for $100. It’ll have people everywhere asking “what the f*** did you do with the vacuum cleaner?”

U.S. airlines are offering 5-and-6-hour flights between the east and west coasts for as low as $14. There are no seat assignments, because you’ll be up the whole time cleaning the jet.

Google search results now display 3D images of creatures you can view up-close on your Android phone. So far, the most popular ones are tigers, pandas, and porn stars.

American Airlines pilot Pati Marsh – a woman with 39 years and over 30,000 flight hours of experience – reached age 65 and had to retire, per FAA regulations. Her former co-pilots are happy to now be able to lower the cockpit temperature below 80 degrees.

Gerrity’s Supermarket in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania was forced to discard $35,000 in produce after Margaret Cirko, 35, deliberately coughed and spat on all of it. She was removed by police and arrested – then did the same thing at Whole Foods, ruining $250,000 worth of produce.

Six CBS News reporters tested positive for coronavirus, as CBS News rushed to air a tv ad saying “CBS News – FIRST to have reporters WITH COVID-19”.

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Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

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Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign has reportedly hired a comedy writer to punch up his material. No one knows the writer’s identity, but Bloomberg’s campaign slogan has changed from ‘Mike Will Get It Done’ to ‘Mike Will GIT ‘ER DONE!’

The White House has reportedly demanded that all communications related to coronavirus actions be routed through VP Mike Pence. In turn, he is required to route all communications through Head Coronavirus Prayer Warrior Karen Pence.

Chinese swimming champion Sun Yang has been banned from the sport for eight years over doping violations. Other swimmers are concerned the water will be cold without Sun hitting it.

  • Reached for comment about Sun Yang’s ban, China’s President Xi Jinping said “Yeah, we kinda have a bigger problems right now..”

A ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ contestant solved the puzzle ‘A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER’ with only the letters N and T showing. Wheel Of Fortune superfans wished that they, too, knew how to read.

Taylor Swift released a new video for her song ‘The Man’, in which she appears dressed as a bearded man in a suit. She was promptly praised by feminists and forced to apologize to transgender males.

A boat used for the Disney World Jungle Cruise ride sank in shallow water while filled with passengers. No one was injured, except for bites from ducks Huey, Dewey & Louie.

A lesbian teacher in Texas, suspended for showing students a picture of her future wife, won a $100,000 settlement with her school district – equal to ten times her annual salary.

A 39-year-old woman wearing a Cookie Monster costume was found passed out behind the wheel of her car and was treated with Narcan for a suspected heroin overdose. She was rushed to a local hospital, where her visit was sponsored by the letters N and H.

South Korea leads the world in male beauty treatment, with 75% of men getting a grooming or beauty treatment at least once a week. The remaining 25% have not yet joined a boy band.

This week the National Football League holds its Rookie Combine workouts in Indianapolis. In addition to sprinting, high jumping and bench-presses, this year each athlete is repeatedly struck in the head with a frying pan to gauge how many hits they can take before self-reporting a concussion.

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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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Steamboat Springs, Colorado shot off the world’s largest firework – weighing 2,800 pounds – at its winter carnival.  Roughly a thousand dogs and cats have not been seen since.

Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and his film ‘Parasite’ won Best Picture at the Oscars. It was a big night for ‘ho’s as Blac Chyna also was invited to the Oscars for some reason.

Oscars coverage started at 6:30p.m. Eastern time, and concluded around 11p.m. – about enough time to get halfway through ‘The Irishman’.

Bill Gates is reportedly considering the purchase of a 112-foot superyacht, powered by liquid hydrogen, at a price of $644 million. It has a helipad, gym, swimming pools, and a galley full of slaves to paddle it since nobody knows where to buy liquid hydrogen.

The XFL debuted over the weekend, with attendance of over 17,000 at each of the four games. Players are so confident, they’re already asking for next weekend off from their regular jobs.

Chinese health officials report 1,000 deaths from the Wuhan coronavirus, and say that 40,000 people sickened may be the “tip of the iceberg”. They said that because one of the cruise ships quarantined for coronavirus struck an iceberg.

The new craze in skin care is ‘dermaplaning’, where vellus, or ‘peach fuzz’ hair and a top layer of dead skin cells are removed. Experts warn the procedure should only be done by a licensed dermatologist with a surgical scalpel, or a buddy looking to try out his new belt sander.

A stripper in Texas fell off of a 15-foot pole on to the stage below, then began twerking –or, as the EMTs who arrived later called it, convulsing.

Chipotle is offering a ‘Guac Mode’ promotion, free guacamole to new & existing Chipotle Rewards members in February. This is different than their longstanding ‘Emergency Mode’ program, which is what they call Rewards program members contracting E.coli.

Warner Bros/DC Comics film ‘Birds of Prey’ – highlighting DC villainess Harley Quinn – opened with $33 million at the weekend box office, far short of the $45-55 million projected. Analysts blamed competition from the Oscars, the movie’s R rating, and not enough naked Birds.

 

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China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.

 

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Congressional Democrats are set to introduce the first two Articles of Impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power; and obstruction of Congress. Others are expected,  including:  spelling & grammar; potty mouth; and cheating at golf.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary named “they” the 2019 Word of the Year, edging out “he-she”.

A Philadelphia suburb is moving toward requiring homeowners to put house numbers on the back of houses. The purpose is to make the homes easier to identify for first responders, burglars, and really confused mail carriers.

Website Malwarebytes issued an editorial urging consumers not to buy and install video doorbells. They say the doorbell makers are providing too much video content to police and 3rd parties, and are vulnerable to hacks. Malwarebytes is owned by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

NASA stress-tested the fuel tank of its new Space Launch System rocket by seeing what it would take to blow a hole in it. Surprisingly, all it took was filling it with Mountain Dew.

A former Harvard geneticist wants to create a dating app based on people’s DNA. It’s the first dating app where users swap spit by mail.

An analysis by consumer research group ‘Simple. Thrifty. Living.’ finds Hawaii is the most expensive state to operate a Christmas light display. It costs an average of $46.62 in electric bills, and another $600 for the flight to get there.

A fifth grade social studies teacher in Missouri is suspended after giving students an in-class worksheet asking them to set a “price for a slave” as they learned about colonial America. Worse, she failed students who set the price too low without the inventory to back it up.

A team of Chinese researchers generated the first piglets created by combining stem cells from monkeys with fertilized pig embryos. The animals, known as pig-monkey chimeras, were called “delicious”.

Vanna White hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ while Pat Sajak recovers from emergency surgery. Letter-turning was handled by Minnie Mouse, who was told by producers to wear shorter, tighter dresses.

 

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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.