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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

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Burger King is launching a dollar menu called $1 Your Way. They’re also launching a two-dollar menu, where they’ll run across the street and get you McDonald’s fries.

A Connecticut woman discovered her four-year-old spent $16,000 in the Apple App Store on premium items for racing game Sonic Forces. She’s angry at Apple for not refunding her money, and angry at her kid for still sucking at the game.

Over 70 cadets at West Point Military Academy were discovered cheating during an online calculus exam. It’s the worst West Point cheating scandal in decades, equal to the 75th-worst cheating scandal at University of Phoenix this week.

Three different skiers died in two massive Colorado avalanches over the weekend. Each will be given a cowboy funeral since they died with their boots on.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said $600 government stimulus checks will begin arriving a few days after Christmas, but Americans will be unable to exchange them for the $1,200 checks they really wanted.

A truck carrying propane tanks flipped and exploded on the Long Island Expressway. Multiple fire companies responded with thousands of marinated chickens.

The United States is on track to record 3.2 million deaths in 2020, the highest total ever and 400,000 more than 2019. Forecasters say a COVID-19 vaccine may cut 2021 deaths, but that reduction could also be offset by the relaunch of the Boeing 737 MAX.

Tech website cNET gave 2020 Innovation Awards to the COVID-19 vaccine and the Playstation 5 Dualsense Controller – two things most people don’t have a chance of getting until June.

As a Delta jet taxied to a departure runway at Laguardia, two passengers opened a cabin door and slid down to the tarmac along with a large service dog. The dog told cops there’s no way he could have waited to 30,000 feet to do his business.

Tiger Woods and his 11-year-old son Charlie played in the father/son PNC Championship in Florida over the weekend. Team Woods finished 7th in the tourney, and 1st getting sexts.

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Amazon, Target & Walmart all kicked off big two-day sales. Amazon has Prime Day, Target has Deal Days, and Walmart has Dig Up That Coffee-Can Cash In The Yard Days.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he “won’t walk away from” the COVID-19 outbreak no matter who the President is. Instead, he’ll fly to New Zealand.

Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson both paused their COVID-19 vaccine trials because a participant became ill. Newly-immune Donald Trump volunteered to donate his plasma, but the patients said they don’t want herpes.

Employees of iconic Hollywood landmark Chateau Marmont say the hotel has a “toxic, drug-fueled culture”. Not surprisingly, guests rate Chateau Marmont as Los Angeles’ #1 Hotel for Toxic Drug-Fueled Stays on Trip Advisor.

Nikki Patterson of Scotland broke the Guinness Book Record for having the most tattoos of any musical artist, with 28 tattoos of Eminem. Remarkably, 27 of them are cover-ups of Vanilla Ice.

New York’s upscale sex club, Snctm, is planning a ‘Black-Death themed’ Halloween sex party. Space is limited to 30 guests on a first-served, first-come basis.

A 25-year-old Nevada man is now the first U.S. citizen confirmed to have contracted COVID-19 twice. He says the second bout was worse because of his underlying condition of eating at the Circus Circus buffet the day of his second positive test.

A new study claims coronavirus can survive for up to 28 days on paper money. “So?” said men who leave all their cash in pants pockets when they do laundry.

Delta Airlines reported a $5.4 billion quarterly loss due to the pandemic. So good luck getting them to give you that whole can of Diet Coke.

Flight attendants Kim Guillory, a black woman, and Sharon Tesler, a Jewish woman – both “over age 39” – are suing United Airlines, saying they aren’t picked for MLB & NFL charter flights because they’re not young and blond. United claims it’s not their age and race, it’s that football and baseball players don’t want to have sex with them.

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.

 

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A Delta Airlines flight making an emergency landing in Los Angeles dumped jet fuel that landed on kids at an outdoor playground. Delta representatives visited the playground to wring out the children’s clothing and underwear to try and get the fuel back.

Google is acquiring Pointy, a startup that helps brick-&-mortar retailers sell their products online, so Amazon can find them and put them out of business.

An American Airlines employee copied a passenger’s phone number from their luggage tag, then bombarded her with over 100 “creepy” text messages. Since the employee wasn’t a pilot, she called the cops.

Wine consumption is down in the United States, with industry analysts saying competition from spiked seltzer and hard liquor is cutting into Mom’s day drinking.

Spectrum Cable – formed from the Charter acquisition of Time Warner and Bright House Cable – announced they’re discontinuing home security service. Spectrum representatives say this isn’t the first time a large cable company just gave up on customer service, it’s just the first time they admitted it.

Police were called to the home of former NFL All-Pro wide receiver Antonio Brown, who, in a fight with his girlfriend, threw a bag of penis-shaped gummy candies at her. She failed to catch them, and blamed Brown for being a terrible passer.

Walmart is bringing robots to 650 more stores, as they ramp up efforts to make it impossible for shoppers to find human help.

A new study finds Grindr is illegally sharing users’ personal information with third parties. Grindr users say they’re cool with it, and also wouldn’t mind if third parties brought along fourth and fifth parties.

Glassdoor named the ‘best job in America’ for 2020 – a front-end engineer, who codes and tests website user experience and makes $105,000 annually. Glassdoor’s second-best job is a rear-end engineer, aka ‘personal trainer’.

A 37-year-old woman was arrested for trying to build a bomb inside of a Tampa, Florida Walmart. She was stopped by an off-duty law enforcement officer, then said her break was over.

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The U.S. House of Representatives approved Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump. Trump held a rally in Battle Creek, Michigan, home of some of his oldest and dearest friends – Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger & Dig ‘Em.

A man on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to New York gave up his first-class seat so that an 88-year-old woman in coach could take it. He explained that first class was the only place on board with a defibrillator.

A start-up company devised a workplace toilet that slopes 13 degrees forward, making it uncomfortable for long seated periods so employees return to work faster. A startup of goofoffs devised a harness to wear while using it so you can stay as long as you like.

Ikea previewed its ‘Smart Home’ plans for 2020. Customers eagerly await smart home products from the company that makes you walk through a mile-long labyrinth to get to the checkout after you buy them.

Selena Gomez is opening up about what she calls the “abuse” during her relationship with Justin Bieber – most of which involved having to listen to Justin Bieber songs.

A mini-casino will open in a former Sears department store location in York, Pennsylvania. It was chosen because people are used to going there and blowing money with nothing good to show for it.

A new study claims people regularly eating chili peppers reduce their risk of death by 23%, mainly because colorectal cancers are melted. [Story h/t to A.O.]

Delta Airlines flight attendants say their new uniforms are making them lose their hair, break out in hives, and cough uncontrollably. Coincidentally, Delta passengers are saying the same thing about the $10 in-flight meals.

Walmart.com revealed its top-selling product of 2019, the Instant Pot programmable pressure cooker. Other top sellers were paper towels and flushable wipes, to clean up after the terrible Instant Pot meals.

TMZ shared video of Serena Willams getting boxing lessons from Mike Tyson. Williams may miss January’s Australian Open with a broken jaw.

 

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VP Mike Pence announced the 2020 launch of the Space Force. That is, unless a Democrat is elected President in 2020, in which case The Force Will Not Be With Us.

A viral video shows a large alligator scaling a fence. The U.S. Border Patrol is now on the lookout for alligators smuggling immigrants from Mexico in their stomachs.

Sony Pictures is pulling Spider-Man out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe due to a profit-sharing dispute with Marvel parent company Disney. Spider-Man will be leaving the Avengers, but is excited about joining Charlie’s Angels.

Delta Airlines claims to have not bumped a single passenger in the last five months – but would not say if passengers accepted offers to share crates with dogs.

Philadelphia Chief of Police Richard Ross resigned over not doing enough to limit sexual harrassment among the force’s rank-&-file. Ross allegedly tried every kind of bribe to stop it.

Walmart is suing Tesla. They claim Tesla solar panels are catching fire, creating a safety issue. Walmart said they’re used to stores being dumpster fires, but not roof fires.

85-year-old Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn. King updated his Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated – and by ‘It’ I mean sex because I’m 85 years old”.

ABC announced the 12 new contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, including former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who insisted that it’s 24 contestants.

Popeye’s, Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s, and other brands are fighting on Twitter about who has the best chicken sandwich. KFC is sitting it out, so as not to focus attention on what’s in its “chicken” sandwich.

The Washington Post profiled Revel, a company renting electric mopeds for riding in D.C. The author said the moped turned everyone’s head, including his own when he was struck by a city bus.

 

 

 

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Guy Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was nominated by Anyone Who’s Ever Been Famous And Didn’t Get Their Star Yet So Now They Can Demand One.

Uber says they’ll kick riders off of the ride-hailing app if their ratings from drivers become too low. This is known internally as the ‘Three Strikes’ Puke Policy.

Walmart hired Suresh Kumar to be their new Chief Technology Officer.  Kumar said  Walmart’s biggest technology challenge is from customers and employees swiping tech from the electronics department.

Twelve dead dolphins have washed up on the beaches of Delaware.  Many of them were too badly decomposed to know what killed them, but local sea life experts suspect the cause of death may have been boredom from living in Delaware.

The U.S./China trade war is hurting Maine’s lobster industry. Tariffs and export restrictions are causing lobstermen to really feel the pinch.

New York City subways will begin accepting fares from Fitbit Pay. For those choosing to jump the turnstiles, their Fitbit will count it as two big steps.

A woman’s body was found stuffed in to a curbside garbage bin in the Frankford neighborhood of Philadelphia. “We’ve never seen anything like this” said the garbage collector, “usually they’re in with recycling.”

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House. Secret Service knew it wasn’t the President, because it wasn’t just his pants on fire.

A Delta Airlines passenger is suing, claiming an emotional support dog mauled him on a flight. The victim claims Delta never verified the support dog’s credentials, and provoked the attack by including Pupperoni in his in-flight snack box.

Seybie, a newborn baby girl weighing just 8.6 ounces, is the smallest surviving human baby on record. Her parents requested anonymity – known only as “Barbie” and “Ken”.

 

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The Unicode Consortium released new emojis coming in 2019, including new images of people with physical disabilities. It’ll now be easier than ever to tell someone you’re having sex with a physically disabled person.

A University of Pennsylvania hospital is testing a patient to see if they have ebola. Testing is complicated because ebola symptoms – bleeding, nausea & fever – closely mirror those of patients admitted after eating scrapple for breakfast.

The NYPD sent a cease & desist letter to Google asking that they stop letting drivers use the Waze app to alert others to DUI checkpoints. Google refused, citing freedom of speech, and users desire to improve at drunk texting and driving.

Delta Airlines & Coca-Cola apologized for “creepy” beverage napkins used on Delta flights, that encouraged writing your name and phone number on them to give to others on the flight. Passengers complained, and male flight attendants have one less option to meet people.

Virginia’s white Governor and Attorney General admitted wearing blackface to parties, and the black Lieutenant Governor is accused of sexual assault. While everyone waits to see what horrible thing the Speaker of the State House did, the janitor at the Capitol is picking out a suit for his swearing-in ceremony.

A Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Ocean City, New Jersey tested positive for hepatitis A. Customers who were there between January 27 & 31 are advised to get vaccinated, or to clean out their liver with an extra-large Dunkin coffee.

The minor-league-baseball Hartford Yard Goats will go peanut-free at their home stadium this year, providing children with peanut allergies a safe place to go and be bored.

Justin Bieber said in an interview that he abused Xanax, giving him something in common with parents of daughters playing Justin Bieber songs around the house.

JC Penney announced they’re discontinuing sales of appliances and most furniture, in order to focus on its core business — selling embarrassing back-to-school clothing purchased by grandparents.

Walmart announced an expansion of its Allswell online mattress and bedding business, saying they’ll dedicate more in-store display space to show the best way to put it on the floor of your trailer or van.

 

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Kenneth Connin, a 27-year-old quadriplegic, realized his lifelong dream of performing in a gay porno movie. Although he wasn’t able to realize his other lifelong dream, providing the money shot in it. [h/t to anonymous contributor!]

  • Filming took longer than expected, because for multiple takes, when the director shouted “rolling!”, Connin wheeled out of frame.

Fox News mistakenly aired a graphic that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. They apologized for the error, but told the intern who made it not to delete it altogether.

Pornhub reports that traffic is way up during daytime hours in Washington, DC. They attribute the shift to the U.S. government shutdown, and the speedy new router and laptops that Donald & Barron Trump got for Christmas.

Delta Airlines introduced a new “streamlined” boarding process, where passengers will board the aircraft by fare type. First class goes first, followed by Gold & Platinum members, then Main Cabin 1, 2 & 3 — and, finally, Basic Economy passengers will be told to go home.

In an effort to minimize injury from warehouse collisions, Amazon workers are being given vests that send signals to robots to recognize and move around them.  Accidents haven’t been completely eliminated, as sentient robots still run over human coworkers they dislike.

An organizational behavior professor at Stanford claims that workplace stress from employees who hate their jobs accounts for 8 percent of U.S. companies’ annual health costs and 120,000 deaths each year — and that’s not even counting the shootings.

Tesla announced it’s ending a customer referral program, where Tesla owners get free vehicle charging in exchange for getting friends to buy a Tesla. They were losing money underestimating how many rich a-hole friends that rich a-hole Tesla owners could refer.

DJI, the world’s largest manufacturer of flying drones, uncovered an employee fraud scheme totaling $150 million. Multiple employees have been fired; however, the whereabouts of the money is up in the air.

Backstreet Boys will release their newest album on January 25th, titled ‘DNA’ – which stands for Do Not Allow your friends to know you bought it.

Facebook launched a new petition feature to compete with sites like Change.org. The first petition asked Facebook to stop exploiting user privacy & personal data, posted by employees of Change.org.