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The 1990s murder-for-hire of a New Jersey woman by her husband – the leader of a synagogue – has been made into a musical A Wicked Soul In Cherry Hill, upsetting the Jewish community. The play’s original title was Can’t Rabbi Me Love.

United Airlines said no passengers were hurt when a jet landing at Washington DC’s Reagan Airport blew out two tires. Although passengers were angry when AAA said they’d take two hours to arrive and fix it.

Sarah Palin lost her defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Things didn’t look good when the jury sent the judge a note asking if it was possible to defame an imbecile.

Prince Andrew reached an out-of-court financial settlement in a sexual assault case brought by a woman who met him through Jeffrey Epstein when she was underage. Amounts were not disclosed, but it’s believed to equal the cost of lots of massages.

Gymnast Simone Biles got engaged to Houston Texans football player Jonathan Owens, who plans to give her the twisties on their honeymoon

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler opened Janie’s House, a home for abused women, named after the song Janie’s Got A Gun, where a teen girl shoots her abusive father. Residents receive housing, occupational training and target practice.

President Biden will allow the January 6th Commission to review White House logs to see who visited Donald Trump on the day of the riots, other than the usual visits from the spray tan lady and the Grubhub Big Mac guy.

Libya held the first-ever beauty pageant for chickens. But the big winner is the woman who got rich sewing all the evening gowns & swimsuits.

Russian skater Kamila Valieva said she tested positive for a banned substance because she mistakenly took her grandfather’s medication. Valieva also said taking her grandfather’s medication made it difficult to skate because of her huge boner.

Pregnant inmates in a Pennsylvania state prison trial program will be permitted access to doula services. A doula provides physical & emotional support to women before, during & after childbirth – and also keeps lookout when the inmates want to hook up with the guards again.

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Tinder introduced ‘Blind Dates’ – a new feature where users with common interests engage in a brief text-only chat to gauge compatibility prior to exchanging photos of their penises and breasts.

Truckers protesting COVID restrictions were cleared off of the Ambassar Bridge connecting Ontario and Michigan. The renewed flow of goods is expected to result in shifts restarting for auto workers at assembly plants, and hookers at truck stops.

The United States temporarily halted Mexican avocado imports after a border inspector was threatened by a Mexican drug cartel. The inspector had reportedly refused the cartel’s repeated bribes of Snausages and Pupperoni.

Kanye West posted a series of Instagram messages calling Pete Davidson a “d*ckhead”. His fans replied with suggestions like “thick bread” and “sick bed”, hoping that their rhymes will get used in Ye’s next diss track.

Following its acquisition by the New York Times, some Wordle players claim the game is blocking guesses of slurs and slang. Everyday players say the change hindered their ability to successfully solve BUNTS.

Actress Rosario Dawson broke up with New Jersey U.S. Senator Cory Booker after a three-year relationship. Once Booker’s term expires, she may seek re-erection.

The wife of wide receiver Van Jefferson of the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams left SoFi Stadium on a stretcher after going into labor during the game. They would have taken her to the blue tent on the sideline, but Mr. Jefferson was already in there getting a vasectomy.

CNN reports Donald Trump used a Secret Service agent’s phone to call wife Melania after the Stormy Daniels affair allegations broke. They also report Melania saw the number and answered “hi lover”.

A man carrying a white flag ran on to the field during the Super Bowl. Security finally tackled him after he ran 80 yards, making him the game’s leading rusher.

A Florida man will stand trial for shooting another man because he was texting in a movie theater. The shooter claims self-defense because the victim threw popcorn at him, which had hardened over 10 years in storage at the theater.

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The New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman claims in her new book about Donald Trump that White House staff would occasionally find documents Trump had flushed down the toilet. Most were birthday & Fathers Day cards from Eric & Don Jr.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that her divorce is about making herself happy, adding that her 40s are about ‘Team Me’.. meaning herself, and Team Me’s 100 makeup, wardrobe and photo artists.

A Los Angeles woman died after falling from the third floor of a parking garage during a lesson for riding her new motorcycle. A family spokesperson said they may take legal action against Kneivel Driving Instructors.

A 70-year-old Italian woman was found dead at her kitchen table, still sitting in the same place where she died an estimated two years earlier. First responders said the pasta was really overcooked.

A Frontier Airlines passenger had to be restrained after falsely claiming a passenger in the row behind him was sticking him with a needle to steal his DNA. A Frontier flight attendant told him that wasn’t possible, because needles aren’t given out until drink service starts.

A Republican candidate for Oregon governor admitted he & his wife were formerly in a partner-swapping Facebook group, making Oregon a swing state.

The Biden Administration is earmarking $5 billion to install electric vehicle chargers at interstate highway rest stops – so drivers can hook up their cars to charge at the same places down-low gay men hook up with each other.

United Kingdom archaeologists found a Roman-era graveyard containing dozens of decapitated skeletons with skulls placed between their legs, in what they’re calling Europe’s first Halloween Spirit pop-up location.

Sportscaster Erin Andrews shared her favorite Tom Brady moment, when the QB threw passes with Andrews’ father at a Montana ranch, and asked Erin to “shag balls” – a duty usually reserved for Gisele Bundchen.

Scientists discovered a new planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun. Even more amazing is they found it with Zillow.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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A New York man has a record-breaking 864 tattoos of insects on his body. “Is that a mosquito between your legs or is now just a bad time?” asked a prospective sex partner.

The FAA can levy a $30,000 fine and confiscate the drone of anyone flying theirs within 34 miles of SoFi Stadium around the Super Bowl. A 12-year-old L.A. boy who just wants to see the girl next door naked is expected to ask his parents for $30,399.

Argentinians are being urged to throw out cocaine after opioid-tainted batches killed 23 and put another 80 people in intensive care. The product has been pulled off the shelves of all Argentina Big Lots.

Jackass Forever premiered in theaters on Friday, and is also being considered as the slogan for a Donald Trump candidacy in 2024.

Amazon Prime is raising its price to $139, citing higher costs of shipping & Prime Video programming, and also the money it’s thinking of paying to Joe Rogan’s brother Moe Rogan to start a podcast.

Tesla recalled more than 800,000 vehicles to fix an issue with its “full self driving” software, and is also doing body work on the ones that crashed into telephone poles driving themselves in to the dealership.

COVID-19 cases are now trending downward in every U.S. state except for one. “We’ll get there!” said Alabama Governor Kay Ivey as she rode her donkey into work.

Kohl’s department store board of directors are attempting to fend off a hostile takeover from an activist investor group. It’s believed to the first time anyone’s attempted to acquire a publicly traded company with coupons.

Billionaires want to build “mixed use business parks” in low-earth orbit. And you think your commute is terrible now..

Netflix plans to release over 70 movies in 2022, including Knives Out 2, Enola Holmes 2, Pinocchio, and the rest are Adam Sandler movies.

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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.

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Starbucks apologized for selling expired food in China. They say it takes a reeeeally long time to write out the customer’s names correctly on the orders.

Target recalled ‘Letters To Santa’ mailboxes due to laceration risk from the mail slot’s sharp edges. The recall was issued after Santa noticed a lot of his letters had small fingers in them.

Donald Trump Jr sent frantic texts to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows on January 6th, trying to get then-President Trump to stop the violence. Trump Jr would’ve sent the message directly, but his father never gave him his phone number.

36 National Football League players tested positive for COVID-19 on Monday, the highest single-day total since testing was implemented. The 1-11-1 Detroit Lions traded all their COVID-positive players to upcoming opponents in the hope of racking up forfeit wins.

The 2022 Rivian R1T is the first all-electric pickup truck to win MotorTrend Truck of the Year. Its truck nutz are actually batteries.

Pfizer said its COVID-19 pill, Paxlovid, shows high effectiveness preventing COVID-related hospitalization and death, adding that its pill form makes it far easier than vaccines to get mind-control chips into patients.

NASA is tracking two British explorers on an 80-day, 2,200-mile walking trek across Antarctica, in preparation for future astronaut landings on Mars. So far, the most important feedback the explorers have given is “drive instead”.

New UFC women’s fighting champion Julianna Pena is celebrating her upset victory over champ Amanda Nunes by taking her 7-year-old daughter to Disney World – where she’d better behave.

Derrick Dillard, son-in-law of ‘19 Kids and Counting‘ patriarch Jim Bob Duggar, said he thinks the child porn conviction of Duggar’s son, Josh, will hurt Jim Bob’s campaign for Arkansas state senate. However, Jim Bob will tout his 18-1 record in raising non-pedophiles.

Danny Carey, drummer for Tool, was arrested following a physical altercation at the Kansas City airport. He was charged with misdemeanor assault, and acting like a total Tool, not just a quarter of it.

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The groom at a Philadelphia wedding was mugged outside of his wedding reception. Philly police released a photo of the suspect, a woman in a long white dress seen with the groom just minutes before.

Spider-Man actor Tom Holland said in an interview he farted on co-star Zendaya while they performed a stunt for Spider-Man: No Way Home. Filming was halted because the webs that shot out gave Zendaya pinkeye.

Delta Air Lines announced it’s dropping service to Lincoln, Nebraska; Cody, Wyoming; & Grand Junction, Colorado. Travelers in those cities now have fewer options if they want to beat up a flight attendant.

Spain’s youngest Episcopal bishop was stripped of his powers after admitting to marrying a woman who writes erotic fiction. Her latest work, The Bishop & The Maiden With Heaving Bosoms, hits stores in January.

A Popeye’s chicken franchise in Philadelphia was criticized for banning homeless customers. The good news is, on average, homeless Philadelphians have lost five pounds.

India’s Harnaaz Sandhu was named Miss Universe 2021. During contestant interviews, host Steve Harvey asked her to do an animal impression, so Sandhu meowed. Later, Harvey awarded the coveted crown to the “Indian pussy”.

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows reportedly turned over a PowerPoint presentation outlining how a January 6th coup would keep Donald Trump in office. Meadows disputes that the slides were shared, because CTRL/F7 didn’t get the projector to work.

The United Kingdom’s largest spy agency, GCHQ, released a digital Christmas card with a series of “fiendish puzzles” for kids aged 11 to 18 to complete, keeping them busy while a GCHQ agent goes at it with their mom.

The U.K.’s Department of Digital Culture placed an export restriction on a rare 17th Century painting of a black woman and her white female companion, titled Allegorical Painting of Two Ladies: English School, but more widely known as See, I TOLD You I Have A Black Friend.

Kim Kardashian passed California’s ‘Baby Bar’ exam after failing it three times, pushing her one step closer to becoming a lawyer once she passes the full bar exam after failing that 20 times.

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Parts of Hawai’i received up to two feet of rain on Monday & Tuesday. “I can’t remember this area seeing something this bad” said attendees at the 80th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

The Christmas tree outside of Fox News in New York caught fire, after briefly coming into contact with Tucker Carlson’s pants.

Olaf Scholz officially succeds Angela Merkel as Chancellor of Germany, after the country decided they needed leadership with an even-more-German-sounding name.

The Blanco Fracture Zone, a fault line off the Oregon coast, generated 40 earthquakes in 24 hours. Oregonian hipsters were cool with it, though, because they were organic.

Donald Trump’s new social media company filed a presentation with the Securities & Exchange Commission that only gave partial names of its employees, listing a Senior Mobile Developer as “BJ”. New CEO Devin Nunes said they confused “employees” and “benefits”.

One of the accusers in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking trial said Maxwell “assessed her body” for presentation to Epstein when she was just 14. And whaddaya know?…she passed. [Editors Note: Ghislaine Maxwell is a goddamned monster and should never see freedom again.]

Workers at three Starbucks shops in Buffalo, NY are voting to unionize. Union organizers say the workers need to be treated fairly, while Starbucks said the union’s request for snow days will put the stores out of business within a week.

China’s Yutu 2 lunar rover captured images of a mysterious “hut” on the far side of the Moon. Little is known about the hut, except for its red roof and a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man console.

The Omicron variant of COVID-19 was confirmed in Florida. It didn’t want to go, but it needed to use air & hotel miles before the end of the year.

NASA announced they’ve commissioned a new telescope to see inside black holes, and also graduated 10 new astronauts – five of whom aren’t thrilled to be sent into whatever black holes the telescope finds.