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The estate of the late Paul Reubens – ‘Pee Wee Herman’ is auctioning furniture from his private collection. Buyers are advised that the furniture does not talk, and seats from his private screening room are sold ‘as is’.

ESPN host Pat McAfee apologized for calling WNBA Indiana Fever rookie Caitlin Clark a “white b*tch” while praising her impact on the league. McAfee promised to only use the phrase when referring to caucasian male athletes he doesn’t like.

A Delta Airlines first class passenger had a “poop accident” which caused the entire front of the aircraft to stink. Other passengers praised the flight attendant’s handling of the difficult situation, as she used her heel to kick out a window so oxygen masks deployed.

A Philadelphia city crossing guard was arrested for giving cannabis edibles to teenagers on their way to school. None of the kids are learning anything, but everyone’s chill and hallway fistfights are way down.

Donald Trump lost his New York State gun permit after his felony conviction. He’s still expected to get off 100 shots at his Florida & New Jersey golf courses, then say he shot 70.

A toddler was lifted in to the air by her shirt by a giraffe as the family drove through a Texas safari park. The giraffe lowered the toddler back down without injury, but the toddler will be a little quicker to hand over the Skittles next time.

For the first time ever, ocean wildlife observers in Australia witnessed a tiger shark regurgitating a whole echidna – a dome-shaped sea mammal covered in spines. In another first, that same day, they witnessed a different shark regurgitate an entire Arby’s Beef & Cheddar combo.

A 2022 study asserted that 38 percent of WNBA players are gay. A similar study of NBA players remains incomplete because 10 percent of the players haven’t returned the questionnaire.

Author Suzanne Collins announced a fifth ‘Hunger Games’ book – a prequel set 24 years before the original – tentatively titled “No Thanks I’m Full’.

A new sexually-transmitted fungal infection, TMVII, was found on a New York City man, with rashes on his penis, buttocks & limbs after he traveled to Greece, England & California and had sex with partners in each location. Worse, he can’t find a doctor he can pay in frequent flier miles.

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Delaware’s department of motor vehicles is temporarily halting issuance of vanity license plates. The policy is opposed by the ACLU, and Delaware residents who say it’s now going to be a lot harder to spot douchebags.

A Colorado woman told police “arrest me now” when they arrived to find her male partner dead on the bed with his penis cut off. “Okay” said police.

PGA golfer Rory McIlroy announced he’s divorcing his wife of seven years. McIlroy denied her claims that he was seeking an open marriage, saying she misunderstood when he said he was getting a new swing coach.

A Pennsylvania man dismembered his roommate and left the body parts in 3 different locations. He said he fought with the roommate, and wanted to give the CSIs a scavenger hunt.

Palmer chocolate company expanded a recall of white chocolate products over a salmonella risk. The CDC warned consumers to return Palmer products, or risk death by chocolate.

Closing arguments in Donald Trump’s hush money trial are set for next week. Ongoing arguments are set for every time Donald Trump appears in front of a camera.

Marston Hefner, son of Playboy founder Hugh, said his inheritance was reduced after stepmother Crystal Hefner convinced her husband to modify the will. Marston calls Crystal a “master manipulator”, which Crystal agrees is right because she was able to manipulate erections out of Hefner before he died at 91.

Select Wendy’s locations are offering a bucket of 50 chicken nuggets, which they’re calling the Nuggs Party Pack, and which struggling families are calling Dinner For A Week.

Kyle, Texas failed in its bid to set a world record for largest gathering of men with the same name, as just 706 ‘Kyle’s showed up, compared to over 2,000 ‘Ivan’s who set the record in a Bosnian city. The women’s record is over 10,000 ‘Karen’s who took their daughters to a Taylor Swift concert.

Red Lobster filed for bankruptcy and will now be known as Red Ink Lobster.

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A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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Snoop Dogg and his Gin & Juice alcoholic beverage brand will sponsor this year’s NCAA football Arizona Bowl. No word on the halftime show, but it’s expected to be Snoop performing and smoking an Arizona Bowl.

A woman who is 23 weeks pregnant won a half-marathon in Indianapolis. Another woman who was 37 weeks pregnant finished an hour later, and was given a finisher’s medal, and the baby she delivered at mile six.

Former CEO Howard Schulz said Starbucks needs to fix its U.S. business after reporting disappointing quarterly earnings. He plans to provide a 10-point strategic marketing plan that contains fewer words than the average Starbucks latte order.

An Arizona State student broke down in tears after realizing her suspension for anti-Israel protests will force her to miss the graduation ceremony she’d studied 11 years for.

Stormy Daniels is expected to testify today in Donald Trump’s hush money trial. She may address the media because the judge hasn’t issued her a gag order, and besides she’s learned to relax her tongue and take deep breaths.

Venture capitalist David Ulevitch said in an interview that the thinks half of the white collar workers at Google do “no real work”. Ulevitch then dropped off his daughter’s resume at Google.

ABC News President Kim Godwin resigned over the weekend, following reports that she was badmouthing her new boss. “This just in” Godwin said, “…my personal belongings in a cardboard box.”

A program autographed by O.J. Simpson from daughter Sydney’s dance recital on June 12, 1994 – the day of Nicole Brown Simpson & Ron Goldman’s murders – is being auctioned. Sydney danced to ‘Footloose’, and that evening O.J. cut everybody.

Sylvester Stallone is selling 11 wristwatches from his private collection, expected to sell for anywhere from $400,000 to $5 million each. However, Stallone will keep digital watches that he knows how to read.

A man ejected from his vehicle who died in a Massachusetts car wreck had his body dragged in to the woods by a bear. Officials discovered the body, but the bear left before he could turn the man in to a rug.

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Divorce rates among married couples over 60 are rising faster than any other age category – in part because married men over 60 are rising slower than any other age category.

Israel’s Parliament voted to ban Al Jazeera network from the country, accusing it of inciting violence and anti-Semitism. They also voted to ban Cartoon Network, accusing it of inciting violence between cats and mice.

Madonna wrapped up her world tour with a free concert on Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Beach, which reportedly attracted 1.6 million people. It marked an attendance record, and a record for the most people to look at a 65-year-old woman on a Brazilian beach.

At a Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, Donald Trump compared the Biden Administration to the Gestapo. Trump’s cronies supported him, saying Trump honestly believes Gestapo was one of the Marx Brothers.

Victorias Secret supermodel Elle Macpherson again lowered the price of her Coral Gables, Florida mansion. First she lowered it from $29 million to $27 million, then again to $22 million. For the right buyer she’ll even throw in her lingerie hamper.

Actress Emily Blunt told Howard Stern that kissing some of her male co-stars made her sick to her stomach. She wouldn’t name names, but said that finding a Scientology pamphlet stuffed in to her pocket afterwards didn’t help.

Creatine supplements may boost cognitive performance after a poor night’s sleep. This, according to gym-rat meatheads who slept poorly but took creatine to remember that today’s Leg Day, bra’.

The top lawyer for the Republican National Committee resigned after just two months, citing “time commitment conflicts”. In other words, there wasn’t enough time in the day for him to keep up with all of Donald Trump’s felony trials.

High-end fitness chain Equinox is offering a $40,000-per-year ‘Optimize By Equinox’ program, focusing on longevity, that includes personal training, nutrition plans, sleep coaching and massage therapy. Not to be outdone, Planet Fitness announced they’re offering members free Meat Lovers pizza in addition to plain cheese.

The fiance of a Wisconsin teacher who admitted ‘making out’ with one of her fifth grade students has called off the wedding. He said he’s embarrassed and heartbroken, but that he now understands why there were three kids tables planned for the reception.

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New research finds getting angry for just 8 minutes can raise the risk of heart attack and stroke. Doctors advise using relaxation techniques, or training to beat people up in 7 minutes or less.

A Pro-Palestine protestor on the campus of Stanford University was pictured wearing a Hamas headband. Even more disturbing was the protestor saying he bought the headband at Fanatics.

Women are reporting sagging ‘Ozempic breasts’ due to loss of fatty tissue as they drop weight. They say they can’t afford restorative implants because of Ozempic’s cost, so they’re turning to padded bras and the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

TikTok and Universal Music Group agreed to an increased royalty payment structure, so now music from Universal artists like Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish can play while you attempt the newest deadly viral challenge.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency plans to declassify marijuana as a less-dangerous Schedule III narcotic, thereby opening up legal interstate sales of it, and the inevitable Amazon Basics Weed.

Nose-pickers are more likely to incur serious staph infections. And are also more likely to lie about how they got a staph infection.

Red Lobster is reportedly on the verge of Chapter 11 bankruptcy, owing to ongoing losses from a popular Endless Shrimp promotion, and low demand for its Endless Mixed Vegetables promotion.

The judge in Donald Trump’s hush-money trial is holding another gag order hearing. He’s considering issuing a Talk All You Want About Anything Order, in hopes that Trump will violate that and shut up for once.

Viral video of a Miami-area bowling alley brawl shows one woman throwing bowling balls at another woman and hitting her in the head. There haven’t been this many Miami women getting hit with balls since Diddy’s last mansion party.

The executor of O.J. Simpson’s estate invited the families of murder victims Nicole Brown & Ronald Goldman to a meeting. He wouldn’t reveal any planned compensation to the families, but he did ask them if they needed golf clubs or football cards.

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The Louvre museum may move the Mona Lisa to an underground room. She can come back upstairs once she’s ready to behave.

Self-driving tractor trailers will be on U.S. highways in late 2024, just as soon as they can recognize children making the bent-arm honk-your-horn gesture.

Walmart will close all 51 of its health care clinics in six states, citing financial losses, and a string of lawsuits from women claiming stockboys were offering pelvic exams.

An inflatable rescue slide flew off a Delta jet during takeoff from New York’s Kennedy Airport, landing in Queens and saving a family a few hundred bucks they would’ve spent renting a bounce house.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering moving the Super Bowl to the Sunday before President’s Day to make it a 3-day weekend. Or, just moving MLK Day to the day after the Super Bowl since it’s too close to New Year’s Day anyway.

The Kansas City Chiefs made Travis Kelce the highest paid tight end in NFL history with a 2-year $34 million contract extension. Meanwhile Taylor Swift earned $50 million from The Tortured Poets Department in 2 minutes, 34 seconds.

Donald Trump was found in contempt of court and fined $9,000 for violating his hush-money trial gag order nine times. Trump then told the court he can’t find a bond company to loan him the $9,000.

Trump will be allowed to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation by the judge in his hush money trial. However, he was blocked from giving the valedictorian’s speech.

The company owning Family Dollar & Dollar Tree will close 1,000 stores, with customers lined up outside of the locations for Going Out Of Business sales promising markdowns to 98 cents.

An Oklahoma man was arrested after going to a Starbucks drive-thru naked on multiple occasions “to see the pretty girls who work there”. The baristas said he’d switched to iced coffee after repeated burns to his lower body.

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Leaked information reveals creators of popular children’s cartoon Bluey – about a family of Australian dogs – will not produce new episodes, and the show has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Tinder announced a new feature ‘Share My Date’ – which lets users give details about their dating plans to friends & family for safety. Although they advise just sharing names & locations, and not what you’re planning to do the first night you meet someone.

A British man ran a mile in a swimming pool in 35 minutes, 24 seconds, establishing an unoffiicial world record. He was then kicked off the high school swim team for delaying the meet by 35 minutes, 24 seconds.

Federal officials announced plans to update nutrition standards for public school meals — as school lunch ladies frantically try to use up their salisbury steaks before the government outlaws them.

Harvey Weinstein’s sexual assault conviction in New York was overturned by the state’s Supreme Court. Weinstein is now a free man for the duration of the flight to California, where his conviction there will allow him to die in a west coast prison.

Tiger Woods’ 15-year-old son Charlie will attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open. He’ll also try to follow in his father’s footsteps by qualifying for a tryst with a Perkins Pancake House hostess.

The makers of Scrabble introduced Scrabble Together – a new version of the game intended to reduce conflict and make gameplay more inclusive. Players can now arrange any letters they want on the board and declare that it identifies as a word.

Actress Rebel Wilson’s book ‘Rebel Rising’ was released, but UK versions redact abuse claims about actor Sacha Baron Cohen because they were allegedly proven false. Printing untruths is a crime in the UK, which is why it’s hard to find any of Donald Trump’s books there.

A Florida golden retriever gave birth to Shamrock, a puppy with lime green fur. The mother dog denies having an affair with a monitor lizard.

Jon Bon Jovi admits he “hasn’t been a saint” throughout his 34-year marriage to wife Dorothea – referencing affairs, and making her watch his acting auditions.

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A Carnival Cruise ship rescued 27 Cuban migrants adrift on a wooden boat bound for the U.S. They were taken on board, given food, and examined by the medical team after all of them contracted norovirus 10 minutes after boarding the Carnival ship.

O.J. Simpson was cremated. The Juice is now pulp.

A judge is considering holding Donald Trump in contempt of court for violating gag orders during his hush money trial, then holding him in contempt of court for complaining about being found in contempt of court, and so on..

Actress Anne Hathaway said in the early 2000s she had to ‘make out’ with 10 different actors auditioning to co-star in a film with her as a way of testing ‘chemistry’. The part went to the straight guy.

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s ‘National Takeback Day’. Parents are encouraged to turn in unused prescription medications at designated sites, but to be careful not to use undesignated sites manned by high school stoners.

Taylor Swift revealed what inspired the 31 songs on her new album The Tortured Poets Department – 1 catchy riff that was stuck in her head, and 30 feelings of hatred and betrayal by old boyfriends.

NASA received its first update in five months from Voyager 1, the most distant spacecraft from Earth, reading “so sorry, totally slammed…s’up?”

A Virginia mom won $1,000,000 from a Powerball ticket purchased by her adult son. She then asked him why he has money for lottery tickets but not rent.

An Austrian company wants to build submersible superyachts for billionaires. Billionaires are skeptical of the business plan, since an underwater craft has nowhere for topless supermodels to sunbathe.

A mommy influencer on TikTok pushes the “9 minute theory” – the most important 9 minutes of your child’s day. It’s about picking 9 minutes of movies or cartoons that kids will sit still for while parents have sex.