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NASA’s Pereseverance rover successfully landed on Mars, where it was promptly roverjacked, forced to drive to an ATM to withdraw money and stripped for parts. NASA believes there may, indeed, be life on Mars.

Two women were arrested for an incident at an Atlanta AMC movie theater, when one of them shot a woman who shushed them. Police identified the couple from surveillance footage of them buying popcorn and bullets at the concession stand.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned from Cancun after public outrage for his abandoning Texas during their storm crisis. Texas’ other Senator, John Cornyn, could not be reached for comment while he remained on a sex tour of Thailand.

Former Trump ally-turned-critic Nikki Haley reportedly asked for a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but was turned down. Conflicting reports claim Trump agreed to the meeting, but insisted it happen in a hot tub.

A former 60 Minutes producer claims Ghislaine Maxwell admitted video exists of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton engaged in sexual activity at Epstein properties, but she “doesn’t know where they are”, except the ones shown at Mar-a-Lago Member Movie Night.

A white man from Tennessee was arrested for using former President Obama’s name and presidential seal on a handgun permit application. Cops grew suspicious when he entered the full name as The Rock Obama.

A new study claims Neanderthals were wiped out 42,000 years ago, from a climate crisis caused by a reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. “Yeah, bullsh*t” said velociraptors.

Retired MLB All-Star Johnny Damon was charged with DUI in Florida. Damon’s blood alcohol content of .200 was over twice the legal limit, but still got him dropped to eighth in the batting order.

$23,000 raised in a GoFundMe for ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ Tessica Brown is under investigation to ensure the money is directed properly. Until then, it’s stuck.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz teamed up to say they’re being fraudulent used as endorsers of CBD Oil products. They reemphasized their endorsements are exclusive to psychiatric quackery and miraculous cures like acai & green coffee bean extract.

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Police charged a Florida lawyer for a series of bank robberies. They caught him after he sent each bank a bill for $150 for an hour’s worth of work, even though he was only there a few minutes.

Kim Kardashian turned 40. Her breasts, buttocks and lip fillers all turned 22.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s deposition in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex-trafficking case was unsealed, along with her notes written in purple gel pen ink reading “Do you like Jeffrey? [Circle One] YES NO “

Google shut down streaming service Google Play Music. It’s now Google Won’t Play Music.

Whole Foods announced one-hour grocery delivery, or about ten minutes longer than it takes for your organic produce to go bad.

Miami Dolphins head coach Brian Flores said first round draft pick Tua Tagovailoa will take over as the team’s starting quarterback. “Tagovailoa – you’re it” said Flores.

A Colorado woman was charged with misdemeanors after her pet deer gored a neighbor with its antlers. The attack cost the woman dearly, as she was forced to surrender one buck and another $1000 of her dough.

Iranians are allegedly sending threatening emails to registered U.S. voters, pretending to be white supremacists the Proud Boys. Asked why they chose Proud Boys, Iranians said because they already have the beards and the guns.

A volunteer in Astra Zeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine trial died of COVID-19, but Astra Zeneca said he was in the control group and given a placebo. Astra Zeneca said after thinking about it, they’ll still pay him the $200 participant fee.

Penn State men’s basketball coach Pat Chambers resigned following a university investigation of inappropriate conduct. Penn State officials struggled to accept the resignation, because Chambers hadn’t molested anyone.

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The zoo featured in Netflix series ‘Tiger King’ has been permanently closed. The tigers wish it were done sooner so they could have collected $600/week unemployment benefits.

Apple’s value has doubled in the past two years, from $1 trillion in $2 trillion dollars. Thanks to profit sharing, teenage assembly workers are now on track for early retirement at age 80.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyers say she’s being monitored by prison psychologists for several hours a day without her knowledge. For their part, the psychologists say she’s getting pretty good at tying knots.

The Zoom videoconferencing app is coming to Facebook Portal, so the five people who bought one can chat with one another.

Google is testing the 6GHz spectrum in 17 states. In addition to the existing 2.4GHz and 5GHz spectrum, it’s expected to give households a third wifi network option that they don’t know how to set up.

The creator of MyPillow, Mike Lindell, is claiming oleandrin – a toxic floral compound – could treat coronavirus. Better still, if the FDA approves it, they’ll get a second oleandrin sample for free.

Discovery channel will air a three-part series, ‘Growing Belushi’, highlighting actor Jim Belushi’s legal cannabis farm in Oregon. So tune in if you’re looking for one of the few reasons not to like legal cannabis.

Donald & Melania Trump’s absentee ballots in Florida’s primary election were collected – all ten of them.

The Food & Drug Administration is launching a “substantive review” of Juul e-cigarettes. To complete it, they’ve requested permission to temporarily hire a bunch of cool kids.

A couple was caught having sex during a Zoom board meeting of Rio de Janeiro school counselors. The remaining participants fought about whether or not the sex should be on mute.

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Dave Chappelle brought out Louis C.K. as a surprise guest at his comedy shows in Yellow Springs, Ohio – on the condition that Louis C.K. agreed not to bring out a surprise guest backstage.

Simon Cowell broke his back after falling off an electric bike at his home. Hearing the news, hundreds of former American Idol and America’s Got Talent contestants wondered if the bike was okay.

Fire consumed a house owned by Rachael Ray in upstate New York. Responders were able to contain the fire, but said the cookies had to be thrown out.

A former finance CEO – Douglas Hodge, 62 – convicted in the college admissions scandal said his sentence at upstate New York’s Otisville prison is “torture”. He then asked who he needs to pay six figures to get into a nicer prison.

Amazon is reportedly planning to use closed Sears and JC Penney stores as fulfillment centers. As practice for possible new jobs, shoppers are urinating in bottles and milk jugs as they shop at Sears and JC Penney.

Donald Trump reached out to the governor of South Dakota to inquire about adding his face to Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough sculptable rock, and the wind would keep blowing off the tumbleweed hair.

Ben & Jerry’s said partially-eaten ice cream pints should be stored upside-down to prevent ‘freezer burn’. Or, do what most people do and eat the whole thing at once.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s former personal assistant, Emmy Tayler, has reportedly left the U.K. following Maxwell’s arrest on sex abuse charges. Tayler is rumored to be in the Napa Valley learning to make wine in a toilet before visiting Maxwell in New York.

A distraught 24-year-old woman posted in a Reddit relationship forum that her husband  bought a used Taco Bell dining booth to put in his home office. She wrote that it isn’t the horrible design she finds most offensive, it’s the smell.

McDonald’s is suing its formerCEO Steve Easterbrook for lying to the board of directors about the sexual nature of his relationships with employees. Easterbrook’s lawyer claims he only kept it a secret because that’s the way Hamburglars like to operate.

 

 

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NFL legend Deion Sanders said his Pro Football Hall of Fame bust looks like ‘a white dude from Upstate New York’.  “See? I told you I was a great athlete!” said white dudes from Upstate New York to their wives and girlfriends.

Taylor Swift changed the logo on her ‘Folklore’ album merchandise after the owner of a black-owned business – named ‘The Folklore’ – called her on it. Swift’s team agreed to change the logo, which now reads ‘The Thriller’.

Donald Trump tweeted a suggestion that the November election be delayed because of the coronavirus. He’s suggesting a move from the 3rd of the month to the 31st.

Sonic Drive-In unveiled its first redesigned restaurant in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, featuring a covered patio and lawn games. The grand opening was attended by a hand-selected VIP list of pre-diabetics.

Buffalo Bills defensive lineman Star Lotulelei has opted out of the upcoming NFL season. The Bills told other players they’re also free to opt out, that you don’t have to be a Star to not be in their show.

Archaeologists say they’ve discovered the likely source of Stonehenge’s giant Sarsen stones – bigger stones.

The Yaraka Hotel in the rural Australian outback banned two local emus, Kevin & Carol, because they learned to climb the stairs from the lobby to the pub, where they steal food. Kevin & Carol said they only used the stairs because the elevator was broken.

Manhattan judge Loretta Preska has agreed to delay the unsealing of depositions related to Ghislaine Maxwell’s sex life until Maxwell can file an appeal, and until the Trump Foundation’s check clears.

Despite an announced plan to move them out of the city, federal agents once again tear-gassed protesters in Portland. The agents claim they needed to use up the tear gas because there just isn’t enough room in their carry-ons for the flight home.

A Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department investigation concluded that a Starbucks employee put a cleaning cloth – not a tampon, as originally reported – in an off-duty cop’s drink. Employees at the coffee shop then resumed wiping down tables and chairs with tampons.

 

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Walmart announced they’re requiring all shoppers to wear masks, and all their senior citizen greeters will receive karate training.

The Virginia mountain lake where ‘Dirty Dancing’ was filmed had completely dried up, but is now starting to retain water again after a wet spring. The symbolism has made Jennifer Grey hopeful she’ll get acting offers again.

The New York Post published a photo of actress Amber Heard’s feces after she reportedly defecated in her & Johnny Depp’s bed after a fight. The picture was evidence in litigation between the two actors, and is part of the Post’s Pulitzer prize entry.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorney told the judge at her bail hearing that she is now married. The lawyer wouldn’t say who she wed or when, only that she’s really getting along with one of the other prisoners.

Kanye West ended his 2020 presidential bid, choosing instead to run on stage at the next inauguration to tell everybody who should have won.

Asheville, North Carolina approved reparations for Black residents. It’s now impossible to rent a U-Haul within a 500-mile radius of Asheville, North Carolina.

Former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville won the Republican nomination in Alabama’s senate primary over former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself.

New York Times opinion columnist and editor Bari Weiss resigned, issuing a scathing letter claiming that coworkers called her a Nazi and a racist. “Welcome aboard!” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Ivanka Trump was dragged in social media after saying unemployed workers should “try something new!” Later, she posted a selfie holding a can of Goya beans saying “try something new!…this stuff that people eat on the other side of the wall!”

Celebrity co-parents Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have reportedly reunited and hired a wedding planner to prepare a low-key ceremony to be attended by family members, close friends, and 200 photographers.

 

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Ghislaine Maxwell is being held in a Brooklyn jail under 24-hour surveillance, and forced to wear paper clothing. When reporters asked how she was doing, her lawyer said she’s “pretty torn up.”

The NFL’s Washington Redskins have agreed to change their name to something less racist, so you can rule out Washington Presidents.

Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai Bachchan – known as the ‘World’s Most Beautiful Woman’ – tested positive for COVID-19. It’s assumed the 150 people in the song & dance number accompanying her test are also at risk.

A Super Mario Bros cartridge sold for a record $114,000 at auction. Its value dropped to about five bucks after the buyer blew in it.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli sold their Bel-Air mansion. It reportedly sold for considerably less than the $28 million asking price, because the buyer really wanted that rowing machine.

As more Americans cut grains from their diets, Chipotle plans to test cauliflower rice, just as soon as they can find cauliflower with enough E.coli in it.

NBA players are complaining about the food while they resume the season at Disney World, and are also complaining that they aren’t getting any phone numbers at the daily Princess Breakfast.

Bristol Palin shared a photo with Zach Towers, a Texas roofing contractor. She hasn’t confirmed that they’re officially a couple; Palin usually only does so after she’s had the baby.

A dog in Texas tested positive for coronavirus. Health department officials are frantically contact tracing other dogs’ butts.

Donald Trump reportedly considered selling the island of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria since he thought it was already liquidated.

 

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Rapper/actor Machine Gun Kelly is taking a social media break to mourn the death of his father, Pop Gun Kelly.

Ford announced the newly-updated Bronco, and promised to send one to suburban Philadelphia in case Bill Cosby breaks out of prison.

Jimmy John’s employees shared video of themselves making a noose out of bread dough and placing it around one of their necks. It’s the week’s second-most-disgusting sandwich shop video, next to one showing someone eating at Subway.

Disney announced a content development deal with Colin Kaepernick – followed by an announcement from Scrooge McDuck that he’s severing ties with the company.

9 NHL players tested positive for coronavirus – none of whom you’ve heard of.

Restaurant chain Big Boy announced they’re changing mascots to a female named Dolly. Dolly asked not to be referred to as Big Girl.

Cosmopolitan magazine is publishing stories of men walking out on dates. So far, the Number One reason is that “the sex was over’.

Harvard and Princeton universities announced plans for students to return to campus. They say if admitted students aren’t smart enough to avoid coronavirus, they should go to a different school.

Fox News said they ‘mistakenly’ cropped Donald Trump out of a photo of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, adding they mistakenly photoshopped Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden into it.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said the United States is “looking at” banning TikTok and other social media apps – after his video lip-synching to BTS got zero likes.

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Ghislaine Maxwell, longtime associate of Jeffrey Epstein, was arrested in New Hampshire. Officials said she would have been brought in sooner, but nobody knew how to pronounce her name when reading her rights.

New York State will prohibit fans from attending or tailgating at pro sports venues during the pandemic. Buffalo Bills fans will have no choice but to jump off armoires and break their dining room tables at home.

Young people in Alabama are throwing ‘COVID-19 Parties’ – where people with coronavirus attend and the first person to get infected receives a payout. Party organizers claim it’s cheaper than organizing a separate baby shower.

Lifeguards in Orange County, California rescued a bride in her wedding gown after she and the groom were swept into the ocean posing for wedding photos. On the bright side, a 30-year-old single female shark caught her bouquet.

Police in Italy seized $1 billion worth of amphetamines they claim was manufactured by terror group ISIS. ISIS admitted diversifying into drugmaking because there just isn’t a lot of money to be made in blowing shit up.

A Colorado “throuple” is expecting a baby. Lo Taylor is pregnant with her husband Mike’s child, but wants girlfriend/partner Jess Woodstock “to help breastfeed”. Lo & Jess plan to get small breast tattoos so the baby will know which flavor they’re choosing.

Columbus, Ohio took down a statue of Christopher Columbus – the city’s namesake. 75,000 people want the statue replaced with an image of a black transgender activist, but the local hockey team doesn’t want to call itself the Marsha P Johnson Blue Jackets.

Formula 1 racing billionaire Bernie Ecclestone became a father at age 89, when his 44-year-old wife delivered a son. Ecclestone thanked his race team for attaching a 650-horsepower engine to one of his sperm.

The Lake Travis, Texas health department is urging its residents not to attend this weekend’s Vanilla Ice concert amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases. They added if you must go, wear a mask to keep people from identifying you at a Vanilla Ice concert.

As part of settlement conditions in a paternity lawsuit, rapper Offset is demanding his baby mama, Nicole Marie Algarin, give their child Kalea Marie Algarin his last name. The child would be renamed Kalea Marie Set.