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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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A new study finds heated car seats can lower male fertility by killing sperm. Female fertility could also be lowered due to fried eggs.

Eight suspicious U.S. citizens’ deaths in Colombia are linked to dating apps. Police are specifically targeting dating app Plenty Of Drug Mules.

Two UK men used gay dating app Grindr to set up dates with men and rob them – making them literal butt pirates.

Sotheby’s is auctioning a suit worn by Nicole Kidman in her corny 2021 ads urging people to return to the ‘magic’ of AMC Theaters – just as soon as they get the imitation butter-flavored topping stains out of it.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime makeup artist died. He was fondly remembered by most, while other accused him of doing blackface.

Fox Network is bringing back true crime series ‘America’s Most Wanted‘. The first 13 episodes are just trying to round up more January 6th guys.

Paroled mob boss and 19-time murderer Sammy ‘the Bull’ Gravano said Donald Trump is ‘incorruptible’. Russian President and murderer Vladimir Putin said he isn’t so sure.

The wife of Milli Vanilli’s Fabrice Morvan filed for divorce. His lawyer will do the singing for him.

Bobi, who was posthumously named ‘Oldest Dog Ever’ at age 31 by the Guinness Book of Records, had its record rescinded while recordkeepers investigate. Meanwhile, the world’s Second Oldest Dog Ever is currently being told about the great farm he’s going to.

The Miami Dolphins/Kansas City Chiefs NFL playoff game aired exclusively on Peacock was the most-streamed live event in history with 23 million viewers. The next day, Peacock broke a different record with 22 million cancellations.

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Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

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Atlantic City announced an expansion to its multi-million-dollar surveillance camera system. The cameras are used in high-activity areas to monitor crime, and also to take & sell souvenir photos with a real Atlantic City prostitute.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he doesn’t think Americans should expect a vaccine mandate for air travel, but he does recommend travelers continue to wear masks, and learn to throw a punch for the occasional mid-flight brawl.

After a first time capsule from 1887 was unearthed beneath a Robert E. Lee statue in Richmond, a second time capsule was found. The first one contained books & letters, the second one contained the world’s oldest Starbucks gift cards.

A man was arrested after murdering a man he met on Grindr and eating his testicles. His legal team is asking that cannibalism charges be dismissed because the victim requested to be an organ donor.

Habitat for Humanity completed and donated its first-ever 3D-printed house. It was later robbed by a guy with a 3D-printed gun.

A bird flu outbreak in Israel led to the slaughter of half a million infected chickens. And boy are the farmers chasing them tired.

Doctors are sharing ways to tell if you have a common cold or the Omicron variant of COVID. They say the key differences with Omicron are loss of taste &/or smell, and severe headache. Men are increasingly hearing “not tonight, I have Omicron”.

Patricia Cornwall, arrested for punching an 80-year-old man on a Delta flight in a mask dispute, was booked for DUI just last month. Cornwall is now booking a cruise, where she plans to get arrested and complete her air, land & sea trifecta.

Balaclavas a.k.a. ski masks are a hot apparel trend. Bank tellers are having a tough time telling if customers are there to shoot them, or just fashionable.

Amazon’s Alexa assistant told a 10-year-old girl to play with a live electrical outlet. The girl didn’t do it, but thanked Alexa for her next idea to go play in traffic.

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A New York MTA bus slammed into a Brooklyn townhouse complex where it remains stuck, requiring the evacuation of 170+ residents. However, three hipsters moved into the bus, splitting the $4,000 monthly rent.

BroodX cicadas were cited as the cause of a car crash outside of Cincinnati. Two cicadas were ticketed for driving with licenses that expired 16 years ago.

Beech Nut will no longer sell rice cereal baby food, saying it can’t control the high levels of arsenic in the rice. Meanwhile, several parents who tried serving the product claim their baby’s first words as “Are you TRYING to f*ckin’ KILL ME?”.

A viral TikTok video shows a groom nervously checking his phone as his bride walks down the aisle on their wedding day. She explained that his vows were written on the phone, but wondered if Grindr had a notes tab.

The Biden administration bought 500 million doses of Pfizer’s COVID vaccine to donate to underserved countries. However, unvaccinated residents of third-world countries are waiting to see what vaccine lottery prizes he’s giving away.

Mississippi ranks lowest in the country for adult COVID-19 vaccination, and highest in the nation for medical technicians cutting their hands open while holding syringes backwards.

Nitrous oxide, or ‘laughing gas’, shows promising early trial results to treat depression. The study followed 200 depressed individuals partying at an EDM festival with a truckload of canned whipped cream.

NBC cancelled fan-favorite show ‘Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist’, or, as it’s now known, ‘Zoey’s 25- Episode Playlist’.

Indonesian health officials were able to modify mosquitoes and reduce dengue fever transmission by 77%. They did so by introducing male mosquitoes to a bacteria found in Drakkar Noir, so humans could smell and avoid them.

Emma Colonel Alspuro, wife of convicted drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, pleaded guilty in U.S. Federal Court to drug trafficking charges. The former beauty queen will represent Mexico in this year’s Miss Supermax Pageant.

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Japan will release contaminated wastewater from the closed Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean over the course of ten years. The bad news is nuclear contamination; the good news is octopuses will have 16 legs.

Wyatt Pike, a singer who’d made the top 12 finalists on American Idol, abruptly quit the contest for “personal reasons”. It’s the most memorable thing an American Idol contestant or winner has done in the last 15 years.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced White Claw Surge, with a higher alcohol content of 8%. “Surge” represents the stomach contents of underage drinkers.

NBC will air ‘Roll Up Your Sleeves’, a special where celebrities, the Bidens, and Obamas discuss the importance of COVID-19 vaccines. Fox will air a competing special, ‘Pull Down Your Pants’, a reading of text messages from Donald Trump and Matt Gaetz.

The Buffalo Bills announced a COVID-19 vaccine will be required to attend games in the fall, in addition to the current requirement of failing a breathalyzer.

Subway closed over 1,800 locations since the beginning of the pandemic. Experts say they’ve been hurt by the lack of drive-thrus, and not having a chicken sandwich, which violates Subway’s policy of putting a visible amount of meat on bread.

A women’s soccer match between the Portland Thorns and Kansas City NWSL ended in fights, with four players being ejected. The fights started because of rough play, and players angry that their teammates wore the same outfit and shoes.

Investigators seized the iPhone of Congressman Matt Gaetz as part of their investigation into alleged trafficking. Gaetz was just two weeks away from an upgrade to a new phone without Venmo payments for sex with teenagers.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star Colton Underwood came out as gay. Bachelorettes say this explains their nights with him in the ‘Fantasy Suites’ singing Lady Gaga karaoke and making Grindr profiles as a ‘goof’.

Egypt impounded the Ever Given, saying the ship’s Japanese owner owes $900 million for the week it blocked the Suez Canal, and for the operation to free it. It’s the largest fine ever levied in Egyptian Traffic Court.

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A Delta Airlines flight making an emergency landing in Los Angeles dumped jet fuel that landed on kids at an outdoor playground. Delta representatives visited the playground to wring out the children’s clothing and underwear to try and get the fuel back.

Google is acquiring Pointy, a startup that helps brick-&-mortar retailers sell their products online, so Amazon can find them and put them out of business.

An American Airlines employee copied a passenger’s phone number from their luggage tag, then bombarded her with over 100 “creepy” text messages. Since the employee wasn’t a pilot, she called the cops.

Wine consumption is down in the United States, with industry analysts saying competition from spiked seltzer and hard liquor is cutting into Mom’s day drinking.

Spectrum Cable – formed from the Charter acquisition of Time Warner and Bright House Cable – announced they’re discontinuing home security service. Spectrum representatives say this isn’t the first time a large cable company just gave up on customer service, it’s just the first time they admitted it.

Police were called to the home of former NFL All-Pro wide receiver Antonio Brown, who, in a fight with his girlfriend, threw a bag of penis-shaped gummy candies at her. She failed to catch them, and blamed Brown for being a terrible passer.

Walmart is bringing robots to 650 more stores, as they ramp up efforts to make it impossible for shoppers to find human help.

A new study finds Grindr is illegally sharing users’ personal information with third parties. Grindr users say they’re cool with it, and also wouldn’t mind if third parties brought along fourth and fifth parties.

Glassdoor named the ‘best job in America’ for 2020 – a front-end engineer, who codes and tests website user experience and makes $105,000 annually. Glassdoor’s second-best job is a rear-end engineer, aka ‘personal trainer’.

A 37-year-old woman was arrested for trying to build a bomb inside of a Tampa, Florida Walmart. She was stopped by an off-duty law enforcement officer, then said her break was over.

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Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.

 

 

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Match, parent company of Tinder, is suing its dating app competitor Bumble, saying that Bumble stole Tinder’s ‘swiping’ and ‘women make the first move’ ideas.  Before the matter goes to court, Match, Tinder & Bumble are going out for coffee with their gay friend Grindr to see if they can work things out.

Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon is challenging incumbent Andrew Cuomo for the Democratic nomination for Governor of New York State. She’s narrowed her campaign slogans down to “Nixon – A Name You Can Trust” or “I Was The Dumpy One, So You Know I’m Good At Politics”.

An Arizona pedestrian was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber. Worse, the car was texting.

Delta Airlines is apologizing for misrouting a puppy on a cross-country flight. The puppy departed Richmond, VA bound for Boise, ID but was sent to Las Vegas. The puppy was finally reunited with its owner, but was hungover and broke.

Here’s Ivanka Trump preparing for a romantic evening with Jared Kushner as they contemplate having a fourth child:

Ivanka lab photo

Police in Glendale, Wisconsin are looking for a woman who assaulted a McDonald’s employee for putting sausage on her breakfast sandwich instead of bacon. Wisconsin lawmakers responded by approving a bill to train McDonald’s employees in using handguns.

Women’s motorcycle land speed record holder Valerie Thompson survived when her streamlined bike crashed at 343mph. Thompson lost control of the bike when she passed her friend wearing a cute top and tried to flag her down to see where she got it.

Star Millie Bobby Brown tweeted support to a young boy after his sister posted on Twitter that none of his friends showed up to his Stranger Things themed birthday party.  Brown asked for an invite to next year’s party, while police worked to identify the bodies of the invitees who had been eaten by a demogorgon.

Walt Disney World reopened its “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, after removing a scene depicting shackled women being auctioned as brides. The scene has been replaced with a ship being hijacked and the crew murdered, along with its renaming to “Somali Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Scientists in South Carolina found that a small daily dose of Viagra reduced the development of colorectal cancer in mice, and made the mice too busy to care about their colorectal cancer, anyway.