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McDonald’s shut down restaurants in Russia, citing the “needless human suffering” of people eating at McDonald’s in Russia.

A new study links concussions in young people to ongoing mental health issues – proving that parents really are slapping their kids silly.

Charles Entenmann, founder of Entenmanns Bakery, died at age 92. He’ll either be cremated, or baked at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out clean.

Memphis police say a man disguised himself as a Walmart employee and loaded stolen TVs into accomplice’s vehicles. A store manager knew something was wrong when he saw what appeared to be a Walmart employee actually assisting a customer.

As deaths from COVID approach 1 million in the U.S., some are advocating for a COVID Memorial Day. It would be like the other Memorial Day, but honoring mostly dopes who were scared of needles.

Kohl’s is adding Sephora mini-shops to 75% of its stores, but management warned investors to be patient, saying Sephora can only sell makeup to Kohl’s shopper-moms, not miracles.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warned of “grave consequences” after senior officials were fired for failing to enforce the nation’s strict COVID prevention guidelines. The officials said they couldn’t handle the surge in COVID-positive residents because they ran out of bullets.

A former Texas “Teacher Of The Year” – fired for showing students a picture of her female fiance – settled a lawsuit with her former school district for $100,000. The kids each received $10,000 because the fiance isn’t very cute.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill overhauling the United States Postal Service – which was then delivered by a Post Office letter carrier to the Lincoln Memorial instead of the House of Representatives.

Uber Eats announced new ‘Group Ordering’ and ‘Bill Splitting’ features, allowing multiple people to stiff the driver on their tip.

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After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.

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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.

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A New Jersey man received the first-ever successful face and double-hand transplant. “Don’t give me that look” said his girlfriend.

Experts warn the U.K. variant of COVID-19 could be the most deadly, going so far as calling it The British Cooking of Respiratory Illnesses.

In a secret ballot, Republicans in the House of Representatives voted 145-61 to keep Liz Cheney in her leadership post. However, they voted 196-10 to denounce ‘veggie platter’ as the snack served during the meeting.

Back-country skiers have died in separate avalanche incidents in Colorado, Utah, and New Hampshire. In each case, calls to resign have been ignored by local Saint Bernards.

Some Sam’s Club warehouse store locations are ready to administer COVID-19 vaccines, provided you need 50 of them.

Researchers are concerned that a lethal disease killing chimpanzees in Sierra Leone – that’s a 99% DNA match for COVID-19 – will jump to humans. Local health officials continue to to advise humans to stop making out with chimpanzees.

After multiple players tested positive for COVID-19 , the National Women’s Hockey League cancelled its ‘bubble’ season in Lake Placid, New York. It’s a crippling blow to the league, and the two budget hotels in Lake Placid, New York.

Following his positive diagnosis, Michael Strahan returned to ‘Good Morning America’ to say “You don’t want COVID…but you DO want these terrific deals on TVs for the big game!”

The New York Times published an article about Jonathan Jacob Meijer, a Dutch musician who allegedly fathered over 300 children via sperm donation – and boy, is his arm tired.

LEGO announced they’ll refuse to make or sell products based on modern military equipment. Kids wanting to shoot the s**t out of LEGO people will just have to use the Millenium Falcon.

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As she left the altar, a female parishioner at a Philadelphia Catholic mass was punched in the face by another woman. The victim received the body of Christ, and the knuckles of Christine.

Kellyanne Conway’s daughter, Claudia, said on social media that she’s “pushing for emancipation”. To prove he’s the greatest president since Lincoln, Donald Trump will deliver her Emancipation Proclamation at Yo-Semite National Park.

Nancy Pelosi called the House of Representatives into a special weekend session to pass a $25 billion funding bill for the U.S. Postal Service. It’s the most money a woman has spent on a Saturday since the pandemic started.

The University of Mississippi’s student newspaper, The Daily Mississippian, printed a headline about the school reopening: ‘Are We Ready? Hell No.’ The paper gained national attention for its bold stance, and because they spelled Mississippian correctly.

In suburban Houston, a wedding guest shot the groom in the chest after the ceremony. The newlyweds said they wished they’d given out wine glasses instead of loaded handguns as wedding party favors.

An Arkansas farmer who confessed to killing a 26-year-old woman was the recipient of the county’s Family Of The Year award in 2016. In accordance with contest rules, the award now goes to the farm family that didn’t kill anybody.

The FDA is investigating a nine-state salmonella outbreak linked to peaches. Details are fuzzy.

A 4-year-old scored a hole-in-one at a golf course in West Virginia, then celebrated it with two more beers than he usually has after playing.

A $10 avocado slicer has 3,417 5-star reviews on Amazon – and a blistering 1-star review from someone with three fingers on their left hand.

Doctors in India removed a 110-pound ovarian tumor from a 233-pound woman. The woman and her tumor are both now happy to be a Size 4.

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Shopping malls losing retail tenants are increasingly filling the vacant space with doctor’s offices. This is great news if you want to get a cute new outfit before your appointment with the hot dentist, or if you have a heart attack while mall walking.

On its next scheduled mission, SpaceX will launch an Adidas soccer ball and green slime into outer space. They’re hoping it will help to lure out an 8-year-old who ran away from the International Space Station.

A note passed to a Domino’s Pizza employee at a New Mexico store led to the rescue of a kidnapped woman. Her captor allowed her to enter the store to get a takeout pizza, when she gave the clerk a note indicating she was a captive. The note added “P.S. your pizza sucks.”

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard said that California Senator Kamala Harris was “not qualified” to be President — kicking off the first Democatfight.

Lifetime channel will produce a follow-up to their hit investigative series ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ — tentatively titled ‘Washing The Pee Off’.

Komiko Love, a single parent known as ‘The Budget Mom’, shared how she eliminated $77,000 in debt in 8 months. She created a strict system of tracking income and expenses, and sold her son.

A Florida man in a Captain America t-shirt was recorded masturbating in front of a female security guard at a gated community. The guard asked him to cover up with his Vibranium shield until more sober Avengers could take him home.

Viral video shows a bison at Yellowstone National Park charging and tossing a 9-year-old girl in the air, after becoming agitated at tourists standing too close. The girl was treated and released, and the bison used a nearby tree trunk to realign his horns.

The House of Representatives voted 429-3 to advance the Stopping Bad Robocalls Act, aimed to reduce unwanted telemarketing calls. The three dissenting voters said they held out because they want to hear more about these zero-percent interest rate credit cards.

A new AAA study claims older drivers are more easily distracted than younger drivers by in-car technology, taking 4-to-8 seconds longer to interact with dashboard systems. AAA claims some systems are poorly designed, while others have no outlets to plug in a Walkman.

FBI agents raided Biological Resource Center in Phoenix, a body-part donation bank, and found a cooler full of detached penises.  Agents removed them from the cooler and they got a lot bigger.

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Microsoft is offering free software to boards of election in U. S. municipalities to prevent voting machine hacking. This follows several years of Facebook making their free software available to manipulate elections.

Tom Brady was criticized for diving off a Costa Rica cliff while holding his 6-year-old daughter’s hand. He then let some air out of his daughter and got a better grip for their second jump.

The Wyoming Valley School District in Pennsylvania is warning families their kids could be sent to foster care if school lunch debts remain unpaid. The kids are fine with it and want to know what their foster families are serving for lunch.

A Congresswoman said she witnessed hundreds of men and women held in a room for hours doing nothing during an oppressive heat wave. Then she left the House of Representatives and visited a Border Patrol detention center in Texas.

President Trump dropped in on a Saturday wedding reception at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. Trump called the couple over to pose for photos, then told them to go back where they came from.

At San Diego Comic-Con, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige confirmed there will be more LGBTQ characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe – leading to Peter Parker & Mary Jane Watson’s first awkward three-way.

During a guided safari tour on Saturday at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Farmington, Pennsylvania, a Himalayan bear reached through a fence and bit an employee’s arm. “NOW will you get me some cold water?” said the bear standing in 98-degree heat.

Natalie Portman will play the first-ever female Thor in new Marvel film ‘Thor: Love and Thunder’. Plot details are scarce, but are believed to involve lady Thor’s search to replace Mjolnir, Hammer of the Gods, with a more sensible rechargeable cordless drill.

A new study claims women are more likely to die in vehicle accidents because “female” crash test dummies are much smaller than real women, meaning seat belts and airbags aren’t properly designed. Also, female crash test dummies don’t text or distract male drivers by asking to use restrooms.

Rumors circulating about Apple’s iPhone 12 claim it will have a revolutionary new display — it will use OLED technology, and will need to be dropped a second time before it breaks.

 

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

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Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.