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Robert Johnson, billionaire founder of BET Network, said the U.S. government should pay black Americans $14 trillion in reparations for slavery. “Yeah!” said Rachel Dolezal.

UFC fighter Jon Jones said he’ll relinquish his light heavyweight title belt – but the pawn shop guy said he’s still only giving him $200 for it.

Police in Pittsburgh seek to arrest and charge 20-year-old Brian Bartels for starting riots there. Bartels allegedly said that Philadelphia is a pretty great city, too.

Actor Thomas Middleditch and wife Mollie Gates – who Middleditch has said have an open marriage – are getting divorced. Their marriage is now more open than ever.

Donald Trump plans to declare Antifa a terrorist organization, and is pretty sure he’ll do the same for Uncletifa.

Dozens of Walmart and Target stores closed after being looted during weekend riots. Workers were largely unsuccessful collecting email addresses to let the looters know when the stores plan to reopen.

White Claw hard seltzer launched in Ireland, delighting women who want a lighter alternative to get loaded before their bar fights. 

Beyoncé posted on Instagram, telling her fans to demand justice and end racial inequality. She then shut off the camera and asked her assistants to let her know how everything turns out.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook needs to do more to support equality and safety for black communities. Then he kicked back and watched Facebook videos about how black people started COVID-19.

The World Meteorological Organization released its alphabetically-ordered list of hurricane names for 2020, starting with Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal & Dolly. Kyle was chosen for letter K, leading to Karen asking to speak to the hurricane’s manager.

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Two of trainer Bob Baffert’s horses tested positive for banned substances, including Kentucky Derby favorite Charlatan. Charlatan and the other horse checked themselves into a rehab pasture.

Off-price retailer Tuesday Morning is closing 230 stores and declaring bankruptcy. A judge scheduled a hearing for Tuesday morning, but executives said they’re busy then.

Nevada casinos are set to reopen at partial capacity on June 4th. They’ll feature new touchless slot machines, where you hold your credit card next to it and it just tells you how much money you lost.

New streaming service HBO Max launched. It’s expected to compete with Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, YouTube Premium & others for people who look at the menu for 20 minutes and decide there’s nothing to watch.

The Federal Reserve reports massive unemployment during the pandemic is compounded by people who don’t want to return to their old jobs. They didn’t specify which jobs, only that it rhymed with ‘Glamazon Scaremouse’.

Tom Brady is selling his customized Cadillac Escalade for $300,000, just as soon as he removes the video of other NFL team practices from the DVD player.

Whisper, a 20-year-old beluga whale, gave birth to a calf at the Georgia Aquarium. Per Georgia tradition, the father is expected to return for a shotgun whale wedding.

A rare bottle of cognac sold for $146,000 at auction, thus increasing the budget for a hip-hop artist’s new video by $146,000.

Joe Biden says he hopes to announce his running mate by August 1st – so, in about two weeks.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, responding to Twitter fact-checking Donald Trump, said he doesn’t believe social media should be the ‘arbiter of truth’ – especially when there’s so much money to made peddling bullshit.

 

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After 5 years, a cat missing from Phoenix was found 1,200 miles away in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The cat was still in remarkable shape, weighing 19 pounds, and meowed that he’s really into crystals and holistic healing now.

Senator Elizabeth Warren said a recently-revealed secret White House dinner between Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg & President Trump was “corruption”. Zuckerberg said he checked in, but Warren couldn’t see it because he unfollowed her.

Fred Cox, former Minnesota Vikings kicker and inventor of the original NERF football, died at age 80. Cox is mourned by Vikings fans, and millions of parents who cite the NERF football as the cheapest gift they could possibly give.

Sam Hunt, country singer known for such hits as ‘Drinkin’ Too Much’, was arrested for DUI in Nashville. Asked what he was doing with a blood-alcohol content of .173, Hunt replied “research”.

A university professor in Syracuse, New York released results of a yearlong study of ticks. One in three ticks studied were carrying at least one disease; the rest were carrying blood in a thermos for lunch. [story h/t to A.D.]

A 14-year-old boy faces hate crime charges for posting a photo of a black classmate on Craigslist in a listing titled “Slave for Sale”. The boy is assisting investigators after telling them he received over a dozen offers from Trump Resorts.

Former Penn State Assistant Coach and convicted child abuser Jerry Sandusky is scheduled to arrive at a Pennsylvania courthouse to be resentenced, and because he never turned in his playbook.

T-Mobile admitted some of its prepaid wireless customers’ data was accessed in a criminal hack, but that the criminals said there’s no point stealing the identity of people with such terrible credit scores.

While demonstrating the toughness of the new Tesla Cybertruck during a press event, Elon Musk inadvertently cracked two of the windows. He quickly covered them up with a gun rack and a confederate flag decal and kept going.

President Trump commented on Impeachment proceedings, saying “I want a trial”. But he’s expected to walk back his remarks once aides tell him Matlock is dead.

 

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A man in Scranton PA is wanted for tricking a woman into selling him a used iPhone for a roll of bills containing two $1s, a $10, and a Million-Dollar Bill. The woman realized the Million Dollar Bill was a fake when she didn’t see Donald Trump’s picture on it.

Walmart’s Black Friday sales ad appears to have leaked online. The deals are so good, dirtbags and their extended families are practicing stampedes at the door to their barns.

The new National Hockey League team in Seattle announced its best season tickets will sell for $12,000 to over $15,000. While expensive, they say the average fan can afford it if they just cut out five or six $6 capuccinos a day.

Disneyland guests were exposed to the measles after an infected person visited the park last week. ‘It’s A Small World’ was quarantined since none of the child robots were vaccinated.

Four American Airlines flight attendants were arrested for money laundering at Miami airport, accused of carrying thousands of dollars in cash. During interrogation, each was given a small glass of Diet Coke but were not allowed to have the whole can.

Actor William H. Macy visited wife Felicity Huffman in prison, bringing her a script with a file in it.

A list of the 50 Worst Rappers has gone viral. Will Smith and MC Hammer were not on the list, leading to speculation that the list was created by Will Smith and MC Hammer.

‘Joker’ is set to become the highest-grossing R-rated movie ever released, at least until Marvel includes a nude scene in ‘Black Widow’ or ‘Captain Marvel 2’.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will commit $1 Billion toward creating affordable housing in California. The money will go to build 4 townhouses in San Francisco.

 

 

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Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook’s policy allowing lies and misinformation in political ads is “something we have to live with”… like “spending millions for a wall around your house” or “selling personal information without consent”.

The first all-female spacewalk is taking place today — right after ‘Ellen’ so they’ll have some fun things to talk about!!

Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo negotiated a five-day cease-fire from Turkey.  [Mike drop]

  • Turkey did not, however, call it a cease fire. They referred to it as a “pause”…in killing innocent Kurdish people before steamrolling more of Syria.

New York’s City Council approved a plan to close Rikers Island and spend $8.7 billion to replace it with four high-rise prisons. They said they’ll recoup some of the money suckering tourists into thinking the jails are the Empire State Building.

  • They haven’t named the high-rise prisons, but the most popular suggestion so far is Trump Towers.

Jennifer Garner shared a video of her mammogram appointment, inspring women and disappointing creeps who disliked missing all the good parts.

Royal Caribbean banned a woman passenger for life for climbing onto the railing outside of her cabin to take a selfie. However, a spokesman for budget cruise line Carnival said she’s welcome on board their new ship Dangerous Selfie Of The Seas.

President Trump attended the ribbon-cutting of a new Louis Vuitton factory in Texas – opened to make enough luggage to carry all of Melania and Barron’s stuff when they finally ditch him.

Duchess of Sussex and new mom Meghan Markle told an interviewer “not many people have asked if I’m ok.” adding, “they also haven’t asked if I’m rich, and I am, so I guess I’m ok.”

American Airlines Captain Joe Weis, piloting his final flight for the airline, gave his flight wings pin to a 2-year-old on board, saying “NOW will you PLEASE stop crying?!”

Ethiopia opened its Imperial Palace to the public for the first time, at which point it was immediately stormed by thousands of Ethiopians wondering if they had anything to eat in there.

 

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Chinese officials detained an American FedEx pilot, telling him he absolutely, positively had to be questioned overnight.

Firearms manufacturer Colt said they’re halting production of AR-15 assault rifles for the consumer market, citing surplus inventory. A ‘buy one now, get one free for a future mass shooting’ sale was not a success.

A scientist who works identifying fossils has found a way to identify criminals from partial hair samples that don’t include the root. Score one for cops, and one for bald serial killers.

North America’s bird population has dropped by almost one-third in the past 50 years, making liars of everyone saying the U.S. is for the birds.

A Delta Airlines flight dropped 30,000 feet of altitude without warning, releasing oxygen masks and terrifying passengers who sent frantic texts like “I love you”; “Pray for me”; and “Where’s my gin and tonic?”

Lizzo accused her Postmates delivery person of stealing her food order. The delivery driver said he did what he had to do to feed a family of 8.

Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, site of a 1979 meltdown, is closing today. Construction begins tomorrow on Cooling Tower Condominiums.

Tom Brady tweeted that he shut off the Thursday Night Football game between the Titans and Jaguars because of poor officiating. “Is that any way to talk about your best friends?” replied NFL referees.

Amazon committed to use 100% renewable energy and purchase 40,000 electric delivery vans to fight climate change, while they deliver all of the plastic crap you buy.

Mark Zuckerberg met with Donald Trump at the White House, but didn’t check in.

 

 

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Facebook announced its new cryptocurrency, Libra. It’s the easy-to-understand alternate currency from the people who brought you Facebook Privacy Settings.

  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg highlighted the need for a new cryptocurrency, because after the first few billion, U.S. dollars get boring.

Marvel Studios is rereleasing Avengers: Endgame with new scenes: of a mortuary technician’s electrocution death from pouring embalming fluid on the thing in Tony Stark’s chest, and Thanos hip-hop dancing to Snap “I’ve Got The Power”.

Rotten Tomatoes published a list of 150 Erotic Movies – Ranked Worst to Best. No men have yet challenged the rankings cause they’ve been stuck in the 140s for a while now.

Conservative publication National Review gave one of the few negative reviews to Disney’s upcoming Toy Story 4, citing cowboy Woody’s refusal to detain toys made in Mexico.

Apple will offer device repair at over 1,000 Best Buy stores, at locations called The Not Exactly Genius Bar.

Google announced a new initiative with 4-H Clubs to bring coding skills to rural towns. They just need computers with keyboards big enough for the cows’ & pigs’ hooves.

Actress Bella Thorne issued a tearful video in response to Whoopi Goldberg’s criticism of her for the release of hacked nude pictures. Goldberg said Thorne shouldn’t take nudes to begin with, a sentiment echoed by Goldberg’s long-ago boyfriend, Ted Danson in blackface.

The Federal Reserve chose not to increase interest rates, meaning borrowers’s rates will remain the same on student loans they won’t pay back anyway.

A doctor in England removed a patient’s 2 1/2-centimeter-long chunk of earwax and posted it online. The patient’s hearing was restored and they also solved the mystery of the family’s missing hamster.

BuzzFeed posted a list of photographs of first class meals on 24 different airlines.  Spirit Airlines photo was a picture of a shirtless stowaway vagrant eating an egg salad sandwich in the cargo hold.

San Francisco became the first city to ban e*cigarettes – while announcing a concurrent  plan to provide Juul’ing douchebags safe spaces to kick their habit such as poetry slams and comedy open mics.

 

 

 

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President Trump toughened rules for immigrants seeking asylum in the United States, including adding an application fee. Critics are angry because immigrants typically don’t have the money to pay, and because the fees go to Barron Trump’s Venmo account.

NASA is conducting a trial exercise where a giant asteroid strikes Earth, wiping out an entire city. So far none of the nerdy male NASA engineers has been able to convince a hot woman scientist to have sex with them because Houston will be wiped out, anyway.

Erin Heatherton, 30, a former Victoria’s Secret model, declared bankruptcy, citing just over $6,000 in assets and well over $500,000 in debt.  She’s seeking a court-appointed assistant to sort through Sugar Daddy applications from various creeps.

Three-time Pro Bowl RB Jamaal Charles will officially retire as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs, despite never following in the team’s recent tradition of committing some sort of shockingly violent crime.

Tesla is cutting the price of its home solar energy panels to spur adoption, as cities prepare for a wave of environmentally-conscious do-it-yourselfers falling off of roofs.

United Kingdom bookmakers Ladbrokes say the odds-on favorites for the name of Meghan Markle & Prince Harry’s baby are ‘Grace’ and ‘Diana’, while the longest odds are being offered for ‘Dakota’ and ‘Melania’.

Starting in 2020, residents of England must opt out to keep organs from being harvested for transplant after death. Although some proposals seek to exclude certain body parts from automatic donation, including genitals, unless of course it’s a guy’s, huge, and would really make the recipient’s day.

The Indian Army claims to have seen the footprint of a Yeti near the base camp of Makalu, near the border of Nepal and Tibet. The footprint measures 32 inches long, 15 inches wide, and apparently was able to find Crocs in its size.

Kohl’s CEO Michelle Gass said the company has “not done our job” connecting with millennials, saying they’re still struggling to find the right segment of millennials that want to dress like 45-year-old moms.

Mark Zuckerberg said he invented a “sleep box” to help his wife, Priscilla, get enough sleep while the couple raise two young children.  The box is large enough to hold the children and both of their nannies.

 

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Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

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A 22-year-old Virginia woman found a metal hook inside of her Playtex Simply Gentle Glide tampon. The company said they’d refund her $7 purchase, and apologized for the hook, and the worm on it.

An Indiana middle school student told Apple’s Siri assistant “I’m going to shoot up a school”, then posted a screenshot of a list of local schools Siri gave in response. His friends told police and he was arrested. Reached for comment, Siri said she just wanted to get that crazy kid out of her house.

Deals site Simple Thrifty Living researched the cheapest state to buy cases of Miller Lite and Bud Light beer. Michigan was the cheapest at an average of $14.62 per case; Pennsylvania was most expensive at $21.98.  Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board said that, while beer is more expensive, there are more choices for liver transplant surgery.

Randi Zuckerberg said her father offered her and her brother, Mark, the option to own & operate a McDonald’s franchise instead of going to college. Mark decided to go to Harvard, drop out and start Facebook, since he didn’t think he’d be able to harvest and sell as much personal information from a McDonald’s franchise.

A pregnant Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania claims she was fired from her job because she’s having a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. School administrators don’t dispute her story, but wish she’d claimed Immaculate Conception because then everyone would have been cool with it.

New Jersey will gradually raise the minimum wage to $15/hour by 2024. The move is expected to make New Jersey a more appealing life and work destination for no one.

The White House says President Trump’s Tuesday State of the Union address will be ‘Unifying’ and ‘Optimistic’ — adding that instead of a speech, Trump will be addressing the country with a rerun of The West Wing.

Democratic Congressmen are still planning to attend the State of the Union, most after finding they can’t get more than $5 for their seats on Stubhub.

Jury deliberations began in the New York felony trial of Mexican druglord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Deliberations are expected to be prolonged because of the time involved to provide all of the jurors with completely new identities.

The City of Philadelphia is proposing a ban on cashless businesses, saying they discriminate against the poor. The legislation is supported by Councilman Bill Greenlee, and the head of the Philadelphia Armed Robbers Union.

The body of a man found dead in Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains had died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear. The bear was ultimately euthanized after three unsuccessful attempts at rehab.