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An Amazon delivery driver was caught defecating in a woman’s garden. Worse, he sent her a picture to prove he delivered it.

Disney’s CEO said that fewer people are visiting Disney Parks than they expected. It’s so bad, the robots changed the lyrics to “It’s A Small ‘Crowd’ After All”.

The Tennessee GOP Senate Primary is still “too close to call” between two bigots.

FBI agents executed a federal search warrant on the home of YouTube star Jake Paul. No word on what they were looking for, but they’re seriously disappointed in the view count of the video they took.

The deadline for players to opt out of the upcoming NFL season is 4p.m. today. The deadline to acquire CTE has been extended indefinitely.

Amazon announced Prime Day – typically held in July – will now take place “in the fourth quarter”…taking the place of the holiday formerly known as Christmas.

Cable network Freeform announced the cancellation of mermaid drama ‘Siren’ after three seasons. An executive said the show just didn’t have legs.

A 6-year-old in a London suburb reportedly choked on parts of a blue face mask fried in to the McNuggets she was eating. Her mother requested a different Happy Meal toy.

NASA astronauts aboard the International Space Station shared a music video they made to Travis Tritt’s song “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” – which it was, unless you’re the astronaut who hates country music.

University of Connecticut is cancelling their 2020 men’s football season, saying it’s a safer way of going 0-12.

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Vermont banned placing food scraps in the trash. McDonald’s restaurants throughout the state introduced Compost Meals.

With a tenfold surge in cases since reopening, Florida is being called the new epicenter of coronavirus. “I guess we should get more Epi-Pens, then” said Governor Ron Desantis.

Donald Trump told Fox News Sean Hannity that he “aced” his cognitive evaluation, holding up the peg with four plastic donuts stacked largest to smallest.

A white Tennessee woman who shouted racist and homophobic slurs at a Black Lives Matter rally was fired from her job at a vision center. She asked for one final treatment at the office, claiming she couldn’t see color.

Johnny Depp testified in a British court that he called ex-wife Amber Heard “Amber Turd” after she defecated in their bed as a prank. He then testified that he called the cleaning lady to beg her not to quit.

A TikTok user shared a way to keep leftover avocado from browning in your refrigerator – don’t buy them.

The owner of a deli in Saratoga Springs, NY posted a sign telling “thirsty bros” not to ask his staff on dates while they’re trying to work, adding that they’ve already heard the ‘hot pastrami’ line dozens of times.

A Nazi-themed song on TikTok went viral, garnering 6.5 million views. “Maybe we don’t ban TikTok after all” said Donald Trump.

CNN contributor Ana Navarro addressed Americans who refuse to wear face masks, saying “wearing Spanx is harder”.  Spanx stopped selling face masks after multiple users reported collapsed noses and fractured jaws.

COVID-19 cases are surging in Mississippi – medical officials say intensive care barns don’t have enough available hay bales to admit new patients.

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Microsoft announced they’re closing all 83 of their retail stores. Details are coming on a Black Screen Of Death sale.

Donald Trump retweeted a video from a Florida retirement community with a man in a golf cart yelling “white power”. Trump deleted the tweet, explaining the guy didn’t yell it loud enough.

Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee got new face tattoos – the largest being two Japanese kanji characters on his right cheek. He offered no explanation but they translate roughly to Maury Clue.

Navigation app Waze updated its logo and graphics, including “moods” that drivers can share, including “mad”, “sick”, “flying” and “oops I just rear-ended somebody while picking a mood”.

Saved By The Bell’s Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond is behind $269,000 in payments on his house in Wisconsin, and Wells Fargo bank plans to foreclose. His costars rallied around him, pledging him all the royalties received from Zack Attack record sales and airplay.

The New England Patriots were fined $1.1 million and will forfeit a 2021 draft pick for illegally filming a Bengals/Browns game. The Patriots may appeal, saying having an employee watch a Bengals/Browns game was punishment enough.

Costco announced their bakery department will no longer sell $20 sheet cakes. They made the announcement by writing it in frosting on the top of a round cake.

60,000 pounds of chicken nuggets are being recalled because they may be contaminated with rubber. McDonald’s issued a statement saying none of their nuggets are affected, they just taste like it.

Scientists say they’ve used a single injection to edit genes in monkeys that put them at the greatest risk of heart disease. They were able to vaccinate the unhealthy monkeys after they fell asleep after drinking beer and eating french fries while watching NASCAR.

Pharma company Gilead said they’ll charge $3,120 for a single treatment of COVID-19 drug Remdesivir. But ask your pharmacist about a coupon where you can save $5.

 

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McDonald’s announced it’s returning some items to the menu that had been cut for efficiency during the pandemic. Returning items include fully-cooked Quarter Pounders.

A part owner of the Golden State Warriors said his favorite interview question is asking a candidate to “think about something you love and teach it to me”.  He said it demonstrates creativity, and that it’s enabled him to learn a bunch of new sex positions.

Facebook removed some Trump ads for displaying an inverted red triangle – a symbol of organized hate. Then Facebook execs returned to counting the money they earn from disorganized hate.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website is now selling a candle ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm” for $75. Expensive, but her past husbands and boyfriends have spent a lot more to smell it.

Blood type may play a role in which COVID-19 patients get sickest. So far, the worst blood types to have are ‘New Jersey’ and ‘Florida’.

A new study lists seven health benefits of walking – or, eight, if you count walking alone without your family.

Tesla released a software upgrade for its electric cars, including the ability to record self-facing video from the dashcam, so drivers can see what they look like when they’re getting carjacked.

JCPenney kicked off Going Out Of Business sales at 136 of its store locations, and Probably Going Out Of Business sales at the rest.

Fox News viewers took note of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s smoother facial features, leading to speculation that she’s enhanced her appearance with fillers, a facelift, or a third mortgage of her soul with the Devil.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June Shannon, admitted that she was addicted to drugs, with a $2,500-a-day meth habit. Her friends offered to get her into rehab, but first they offered to find her much better prices for meth.

 

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The Wall Street Journal reports that New York sent recovering COVID-19 patients to nursing homes, sickening elderly residents and angering others that newbies were winning the weekly bingo games.

An Australian woman shared her cleaning hack, placing a dishwasher detergent tablet in a sponge to clean her glass shower door. The door is spotless, but she suffered lacerations after tripping on a pile of plates she took into the shower with her.

Good Housekeeping issued their list of the 8 Top Outdoor Security Cameras, which they tested by gauging how effective they were catching the neighbor’s dog taking a dump in your yard.

McDonald’s released their plans for reopening restaurants. To limit the spread of virus, teenagers will be encouraged to throw their plastic trays in the garbage.

McDonald’s will also offer new COVID-19 Happy Meals – the toy is a face mask or a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Browser extension Scener lets you create watch parties so you can stream Netflix or HBO Go content alongside a Zoom-type videoconference meeting. It’s for people living in isolation who don’t have a spouse or partner to yell “shut up” at while they watch tv.

Iggy Azalea returned to Instagram, as the platform detected a steep rise in unintelligible gibberish.

Walmart just launched a new line of backpacking gear – after noticing how many homeless people don’t have backpacks.

Chick-fil-A is now the second-highest-grossing restaurant chain in the U.S., trailing only McDonald’s. They’re so flush with cash, executives are considering a huge offer to land free agent mascot, Grimace.

Cuba Gooding Jr serenaded Los Angeles nurses to thank them for their work during the COVID-19 pandemic, leaving some nurses wondering who he was, and others wondering why they couldn’t get someone more famous to sing for them.

 

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McDonald’s is offering free meals to healthcare workers and first responders, so they can switch things up and have someone take care of them when they become ill.

The U.S. Navy declassified three UFO videos taken by Navy pilots. The UFOs are planning a multi-city flyover to honor the brave extraterrestrials living among us. 

To prove that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is alive, North Korean media published a letter he allegedly sent to South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa dated April 27th. However, in the letter Kim asked Ramaphosa what he wants for Christmas. 

Felicity Huffman’s daughter Sophia was accepted to college based on her own SAT scores. Welcome Sophia Huffman to Strayer University’s Class of 2029. 

Comcast and Verizon have extended their pledge not to disconnect past-due customers through June 30th. Actually, it’ll be a lot longer since they’ll need your phone and internet connected to hound you to pay your bill. 

Camera drone maker DJI upped the specs on its new Mavic Air 2 model to 34 minutes of flight time and 48-megapixel photos – now creeps can hover it outside the bathroom windows of women who take really long showers. 

An ozone hole that formed over the Arctic this spring and grew into the largest ever, has now closed. Although next week it will reopen for curbside ozone pickup only. 

Starting May 1st, portions of Yokohama, Japan’s Unko Museum – dedicated entirely to poop – will be available for virtual tours. If you don’t want to wait until then, you can fill your computer screen with poop by streaming The Ingraham Angle.

The cast of ‘Melrose Place’ is reuniting for an episode of YouTube’s “Stars In The House”, to raise money for out-of-work actors, like most of the cast of ‘Melrose Place’. 

JetBlue announced passengers will be required to wear face masks on flights. Spirit Airlines also made a policy change, announcing passengers will be required to wear pants. 

 

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Philadelphia said city students without Internet access can do “remote learning” via wifi in parking lots, leading to a rash of kids stealing cars for school.

The FDA approved the first at-home tests for COVID-19, but there’s still a three-month wait for the at-home chemistry set you need to process it.

During a test run of its virtual NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals first-overall pick was delayed 2 1/2 minutes. The Bengals notified Commissioner Goodell, who said their call was important to him, and please stay on the line for the next available representative.

Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp advised residents to maintain social distancing, but also reopened hair & nail salons. This followed Georgia Tech’s successful demonstration of six-foot-long scissors.

Upright Citizens Brigade closed its theater and training center in New York. Founders launched the first-ever Don’t Fund Me so performers can continue to not get paid.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy visited the Wildwood shore boardwalk to survey storm damage. He may declare it a disaster area, then return when tourists arrive in summer to declare it an even bigger disaster area.

Still no confirmation from North Korea regarding Kim Jong Un’s condition. At first a  spokesperson said “He’s unwell.” – then corrected themself to say “Un? He’s well.”

Reacting to the pandemic’s effect on people of color, a McDonald’s in Guangzhou, China temporarily banned black customers – then remembered they never had any.

Congress approved $484 billion in aid for small businesses and hospitals, an undisclosed amount of which has already been claimed by Trump 19th Hole Urgent Care.

Online booze sales increased 400% in April, leading to hundreds of UPS driver and mailman DUIs.

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With more & more large corporations and government agencies approving employees working from home, AMC & Regal movie theaters announced they’ll be adding more matinee showtimes.

Levi’s and Nintendo are partnering to launch Super Mario-themed apparel, including Mario’s signature blue denim overalls. However, fans are angry because they don’t fit anyone over three feet tall.

Walmart confirmed a coronavirus case in one of its stores – local health inspectors called it the 19th-most scary disease they found there.

A Florida couple still stuck aboard the Grand Princess cruise ship filed a $1 million lawsuit over Princess Cruises’ handling of the coronavirus outbreak. Princess Cruises said they plan to remove the bench where they lawyer had been advertising.

Rob Gronkowski is reportedly close to signing a deal to appear at WWE pro wrestling events. For now, he’s doing intense studying to meet WWE’s exacting standards for athlete intelligence.

A New Jersey 7-Eleven store owner faces multiple charges for selling homemade hand sanitizer that gave four children first-and-second degree burns. The concoction was a mix of a commercial hand sanitizer, water, and 7-Eleven coffee.

McDonald’s is expanding its lineup of Big Mac sandwiches, adding a Big Mac with just one beef patty and another with four. The one-patty sandwich is called the Little Mac, and the four-patty sandwich is called Half of Donald Trump’s Lunch.

A study from Yale researchers found consumption of artifical sweetener sucralose, along with high-levels of carbohydrates, may raise blood sugar in healthy people to dangerous levels. The study followed a group of people who like putting Splenda on french fries.

Microsoft and its security partners announced the March 10th takedown of the Necurs botnet – believed to be responsible for up to 90% of the world’s email-distributed malware. In other news, the Trump 2020 campaign reported a 90% drop in donations on March 10th.

Starbucks is testing a new fully recyclable, compostable, paper coffee cup.  For its part, Dunkin is testing a new coffee that you can pour into your compost heap to make the worms work faster instead of drinking it yourself.

 

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Following his conviction on two counts of rape and sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein was taken to prison, but then rushed to a hospital after complaining of chest pains.. and scratchy prison bathrobes ..and a lack of 20-something female guards.

The White House asked Congress for $2.5 billion to fight the COVID-19 coronavirus, but Congress argued China already built a wall.

NASA’s InSight lander has detected a mysterious humming coming from planet Mars, possibly because Uptown Funk was playing on InSight’s satellite radio.

A Florida police officer’s body cam video showed him handcuffing a 6-year-old girl and putting her in a squad car after she threw a tantrum. The officer was fired, and charges against the girl for assault with a fidget spinner were dropped.

Dana Ghazi Mustafa, 27, was arrested following a flight from Frankfurt to Washington DC where she yelled “I’m going to stab everyone on on this plane. Then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how we get down.” She was reportedly angry that the crew refused to give her a tour of the cockpit.

More than a dozen states have introduced legislation requiring public schools to offer free feminine hygiene products in their bathrooms. Some states are hesitant, saying the move requires additional expense to train gym teachers what they’re for.

Netflix will issue daily lists of the ten most popular shows and movies in almost 100 countries. They’ll issue a separate Top 10 list of the most popular shows for Netflix & Chill.

It’s National Pancake Day and IHOP is offering its customers free pancakes, and a new training course for restaurant managers on how to evict homeless people.

In honor of the Shamrock Shake’s 50th Anniversary, McDonald’s is auctioning a gold & diamond Shamrock Shake cup valued at $90,000 – although the value drops significantly once you put a Shamrock Shake in it because the gold corrodes.

Sleep experts say sleeping on your side is the best position for feeling good the next day, since side-sleep aligns the spine, and turning on your side lets your partner know there’s no way it’s happening tonight.

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Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.