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Two senior executives resigned from Amazon-owned audiobook company Audible. Insiders say the work environment is hostile toward women, but the reason for the departures won’t be clear until H.R. downloads and listens to their resignation letters.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell signed a five-year contract extension at a rumored $40 million per year. Goodell was asking for $50 million, leaving no doubt that his balls were fully inflated.

  • To clear cap space, the league waived 10 janitors and 4 cafeteria ladies.

Raging wildfires continue to spread throughout Southern California, forcing closure of Interstate 405 in the hot zone outside of Los Angeles. It’s gotten so bad, LA drivers opening Google Maps were greeted with thoughts and prayers.

President Trump noticeably slurred his speech during a White House event to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, and to recognize a fizzing glass of water on his nightstand as the capital of his personal dental care.

  • A White House spokesperson said that Trump’s slurring was not caused by slipping dentures, but rather by a dry throat caused by swallowing PoliGrip.

Australia’s parliament approved same-sex marriage; with a 62% majority carrying passage of the Bloke-Bloke Sheila-Sheila Bill.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley said that sending U.S. athletes to the 2018 Winter Olympics is an “open question”, citing the games’ PyeongChang location just 50 miles from the North Korean border, and the cost of outfitting U.S. bobsleds with missile defense systems.

Astronomers have discovered a supermassive black hole they say is 800 million times as massive as the sun.  No intelligent life could survive there, so Republican congressmen are sponsoring a bill to assign it 50 electoral college votes.

Darlene Bradley, mayor of Davenport, Florida, was arrested for using a dead woman’s handicap parking placard so that she could park in front of city hall. The mayor tried to explain that she needed the space because someone was parked in her sinkhole.

General Electric is cutting 12,000 jobs in its Power Division, and aren’t sure whether to call it a downsizing or a power outage.

Visa spent a year developing a “signature sound” to validate point-of-purchase transactions made with Visa cards. The winner was a less-than-a-second sound that Visa says conveys “speed and convenience”. The runner-up was the less-than-a-second sound of a middle aged man saying “f*ck” when reading his family’s Visa bill.

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Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.

 

 

 

 

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Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.

 

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An expert in the field of concussions called the NFL Concussion Protocol “a fraud” after Indianapolis Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was allowed to remain in the game after a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Brissett was examined in a private sideline tent by an NFL doctor, who asked him to cough.

Children waiting to see Santa at Minnesota’s Mall Of America witnessed several stabbing victims in what officials called a botched robbery at a nearby Macy’s. When they made it to Santa’s lap, those children vowed to be really, really nice.

Bill Gates pledged $100 Million to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Most of the money will go to research, with the rest used to buy thousands of lucky seniors a new brain.

Russian base jumper Valery Rozov died during an attempted 22,000 foot jump in the Himalayas, part of his heretofore successful quest to jump off the highest mountain on each continent. Rozov was mourned in a statement by his sponsor, Red Bull, who said they wished the drink had given him better wings.

President Trump asked his Chinese counterpart, Li Xinping, to help quickly resolve the case of 3 visiting UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting sunglasses during their team visit to China. President Li said he would personally oversee the players’ hands being chopped off.

The National Weather Service launched Joint Polar Satellite System 1, a new weather satellite promising a “quantum leap” forward in forecasting technology. The weather service said the satellite will improve accuracy and advance notice for severe weather events, but stopped short of saying it will minimize ground-level reliance on large-breasted women in tight skirts.

Toy maker Mattel announced the first Barbie doll to be clad in a hijab. The doll, part of the Barbie ‘Shero’ series of women heroes, is modeled after Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. Other Barbies will be updated with side-eye as they watch the Hijab Barbie on the shelf next to them.

Revised heart health guidelines from cardiac research groups mean an additional 30 Million Americans will be classified as having “high blood pressure”. This, after the same 30 Million Americans’ blood pressure spiked a day after casting votes for Hillary Clinton.

Kansas City police stopped questioning a suspect detained for drug & gun charges when the suspect’s flatulence drove the detective from the room. Sean Sykes was eventually charged with three firearms violations and cocaine possession, but has yet to enter a plea since all of his court-appointed attorneys quit. (h/t to John Levytsky!)

Weight Watchers introduced Cense – a new brand of diet wine – and a new variation of its in-person meetings called Weight Watchers Anonymous.

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Mary McDonough, who portrayed Erin on CBS series The Waltons, talked to Fox News about complications she experienced from breast enhancement surgery.  McDonough said if she could do it over again, she’d have had the work done at Ike Godsey’s General Store instead of her father’s sawmill.

Sony Electronics introduced a revamped version of Aibo, its robotic pet dog. The updated dog responds to praise and understands what actions makes owners happy – for instance, it will hump a woman’s leg, but only after listening to her talk about her job and family for an hour.

President Trump will seek to terminate the Diversity Visa program that allowed NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov in to the U.S., but said Trump Hotels will still give triple points for Diversity Amex holders.

  • Lawmakers said Saipov was radicalized domestically online, and as a result still owed $20k in loans to Strayer University.
  • Trump said he’d ordered Homeland Security to tighten its extreme vetting process. A spokesperson for Home Depot said the guy had the $19 and a drivers license, so there wasn’t much more vetting they could do.

Walmart announced that their 4,700 stores will host Holiday Parties during the Xmas shopping season, sending Amazon’s stock price to another record high.

  • The parties will feature Selfies With Santa, shopping assistance from Holiday Helpers, and Grief Counseling.

Amazon has rolled out its Black Friday deals using augmented reality, after hearing from consumers who said they preferred to shop in a reality where they have money, jobs, and a different President.

Obamacare open enrollment begins, accompanied by rate increases so severe that customers are asking if poverty qualifies as a preexisting condition.

Papa John’s founder & CEO John Schnatter, on a disappointing earnings call, placed some blame for slower sales on their NFL sponsorship and the league’s poor handling of anthem protests. “We no longer want to be associated with a product that makes so many people sick” said the NFL.

More accusers have come forward to accuse Harvey Weinstein, James Toback and Kevin Spacey of sexual misconduct – to the point where A-List actors are reading Tyler Perry scripts because they’re running out of safe spaces.

 

 

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.

 

 

 

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A video posted to Instagram shows a group of Weber, Utah high school cheerleaders shouting the n-word. School officials reviewing the matter say the girls could be kicked off the squad or expelled, adding that the program is a cheertatorship, not a cheerocracy.

A study published in the journal Southeastern Naturalist confirmed that alligators in Florida and Georgia are snacking on small sharks and stingrays. Researchers say that many of the alligators consume them by accident, during Crab Fest at Red Lobster.

Google will use drones to deliver burritos in Australia. Early reviews describe the burritos as “cold” and “awful” following the long flight from Mexico.

Google also announced ambitious plans to build a ‘futuristic neighborhood’ outside of Toronto. The $50 million project will use technology to do everything from reducing pollution and commute times, to blocking rainfall and improving the weather. Asked if there’s anything the new community won’t have, a Google spokesperson replied “yeah, old people.”

President Trump reportedly plans a large increase in the number of “immigration jails” for illegal aliens —  side-by-side, along a thousand-mile stretch of the U.S./Mexico border.

Forbes Magazine released its annual list of the 400 Richest Americans. Donald Trump fell 92 spots from #156 in 2016 to #248, owing to what Forbes describes as a “tough New York real estate market” and “paying to keep that hookers peeing thing out of sight.”

NFL Players and owners met in New York to discuss anthem protests and increased community involvement. The NFL agreed to fund initiatives for community policing, where they’ll review police body cam footage and overturn arrests for no good reason.

Ford Motor Company is recalling over 1.3 million of their top-selling F150 pickup trucks to repair an issue where doors could open while the truck is moving. Ford reiterated that the trucks are Built Ford Tough, but that the people falling out of them are not.

 

Malaysia Airlines lost another CEO, and has given up looking for him.

ABC Networks announced a Black-ish spinoff, Grown-ish, will debut on its sister network Freeform this January. In other news, ABC is considering changing the name of The Good Doctor to Autist-ish.

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National Geographic published an article revealing that hibernating animals like bears and sloths don’t actually sleep – they enter a state of depressed metabolism called ‘torpor’, where they reduce heart rate, breathing, and reactivate their Netflix accounts.

The Social Security Administration announced benefits will increase 2% in 2018, as retirees flood jewelry stores to order gold chains with their grandkids’ initials encrusted in diamonds.

Iraqi forces state that they’ve taken key areas in the Northern city of Kirkuk from Islamic State. “We hope to go where no Iraqi has gone before in years” said military leader Captain Kirkuk.

Security experts have identified a dangerous wifi security flaw, KRACK [Key Reinstallation Attack] that allows hackers to intercept communications sent via wifi. Android devices are especially vulnerable – President Trump’s phone has reportedly been hacked, but data pirates have been unable to find a buyer for Candy Crush scores and draft tweets about the NFL.

Facebook is reportedly seeking to hire employees with National Security clearances, in order to mitigate political manipulation. Jared Kushner then submitted his application containing 100 errors and an inactive email address.

Kevin James opened up on why his sitcom ‘Kevin Can Wait’ killed off his wife’s character for season two, despite no one asking.

CEO Jack Dorsey announced that Twitter will launch new rules focusing on “unwanted sexual advances, non-consensual nudity, hate symbols, violent groups, and tweets that glorifies violence.” Creeps, terrorists and hate groups said they’re looking into Snapchat.

Colin Kaepernick filed a grievance alleging collusion among NFL owners for refusing to hire him. His grievance was filed after the Tennessee Titans signed free agent and former first-round flop Brandon Weeden to a backup role after discovering him with his head stuck in the posts of a wrought iron fence.

A Nature Communications study states that for every additional 2.2 pounds gained, overweight people cut their life expectancy by 7 months. Overweight people said it’s a risk they’re willing to take, not knowing if McRib will still be available in 7 months.

A Napa valley couple survived area wildfires burning around them by staying in a neighbor’s pool for six hours. They promised the neighbor they’d return to clean the pool.

Bruce Arena resigned as U.S. Men’s National Team soccer coach after failing to qualify for the 2018 World Cup. Arena collected his belongings, which included a gift basket of items made by merchants in Trinidad and Tobago.

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Hall of Fame NFL QB Y.A. Tittle died at age 90. Tittle played so long ago, ‘CTE’ was what concussed players said to sideline doctors when asked to spell ‘cat’ – before they were sent back in the game, anyway.

Analysts at Leerink, a boutique investment firm focusing on healthcare, say they’re certain that Amazon will be entering the prescription drug business. Fueling rumors? A new trademark application for the phrase Opioid Prime.

President Trump told Forbes magazine that he doesn’t think Rex Tillerson called him a moron, but implied that he would win if the two compared IQ tests. To prove his point, Trump stacked the four plastic donuts on the pole in a little under two minutes.

 

Raging California wildfires have destroyed several Napa Valley wineries. Oenophiles busily updated their profiles of the wine to say they tasted “notes of berry, smoky charcoal, and melted glass.”

The Ku Klux Klan placed flyers on cars parked at a North Carolina high school football game, protesting the removal of confederate monuments. The handouts were protested by civil rights advocates and the Chinese restaurant whose flyers were obscured by the KKK messages.

Many Americans chose to commemorate the traditional Columbus Day holiday by celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead – worrying mailmen who fear they won’t get the day off unless they’re Native American.

A 60 year-old Chicago Cubs fan is suing the team and Major League Baseball after being struck in the face by a foul ball which broke his nose, jaw and orbital bone. The Cubs countersued the man, saying his post-injury rendition of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ was the worst they’ve ever heard.

Dancing With The Stars competitor Frankie Muniz talked to People Magazine about his memory loss. Hollywood casting directors also discussed their memory loss, forgetting to hire Muniz for anything.

Mike Ditka – speaking on a national radio show – said that there has been no oppression in the United States in the last 100 years that he knows of, offering his 1980s Chicago Bears ‘Super Bowl Shuffle’ video to prove blacks and whites live in perpetual harmony.

Microsoft announced that it will no longer release version updates or new hardware for its Windows 10 Mobile phone operating system, although you can still sync Windows 10 Phones with your Zune.

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.