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A new study finds performing music helps retain brain function as you age. Plenty of tickets still remain for the AARP-sponsored Rolling Stones Retaining Our Brain Function Tour.

Citing the $1,000-a-month cost, state employees in North Carolina will no longer be reimbursed for weight-loss drugs Wegovy and Ozempic. North Carolina said they’ll save the money now and spend it on fixing the heart attacks later.

Team USA 2022 Olympic figure skaters will receive gold medals after Russian skater Kamila Valieva was banned for a positive drug test. Kamila now identifies as Sergei and is training for the 2024 Paris games as a powerlifter.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink announced their first chip implant in a human brain. The procedure was funded by an anonymous donor who wanted help around the house and to quit being bothered for sex.

E. Jean Carroll appeared on The Rachel Maddow Show and compared Donald Trump to a walrus. Trump filed a defamation suit against Carroll seeking $83 million.

At a Turning Point conservative political conference, a speaker claimed My Pillow founder & Trump advocate Mike Lindell is “losing everything”. He’s so close to financial ruin that his company’s name may change to Somebody Else’s Pillow.

Health magazine ranked 13 Super Bowl party foods from best to worst, with a veggie platter ‘best’ and sweetened soda ‘worst’. The list omitted alcohol, so nobody will be going to their party, anyway.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded a $2.25 billion judgment against Monsanto for successfully arguing that use of weed killer RoundUp for 20 years caused his cancer. He plans to use the money to hire someone else to take care of his lawn.

The Czech Republic signed a deal with the U.S. government to acquire 24 F-35 fighter jets. This, despite a 40% Off coupon from Boeing to outfit 737 Max 9 jets with rockets.

Starbucks is launching the Oleato – an olive-oil & coffee beverage called ‘a legit laxative’ – nationwide. The drinks will cost upwards of six bucks, and the key to the restroom will cost twenty.

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A new study concludes men are generally better than women at navigating & directions. Men would like to know why but refuse to ask.

A traveler at JFK Airport was arrested for smuggling cocaine in bags of jumbo shrimp. He chose the shrimp because it was easier than trying to hide the cocaine in cocktail sauce.

A man was arrested for attempting to break in to Taylor Swift’s New York City townhouse. He was carrying burglar tools and a Kansas City Chiefs schedule.

A Florida grandmother was arrested in mid-December for her role in a murder-for-hire of her ex son-in-law. She’s charged with murder, and her grandkids assume at this point they aren’t getting those Christmas checks.

Ron DeSantis withdrew from seeking the GOP Presidential nomination. He said he was unsure of his future plans, before being reminded that he’s still Governor of Florida.

A top dentist revealed the real problems with Kanye West’s new titanium teeth – a high risk of gum infections, and setting off the alarm at airport security.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow of E! Network’s ‘Botched‘ said he quit using Ozempic because it took away the “joy of eating” – leaving him with nothing but the joy of fixing several women’s boobs every day.

A large sinkhole opened up in Delran, New Jersey, measuring 25 x 25 feet wide and 15 feet deep. Roads will be closed until local crime bosses fill it with snitches.

Former Vice President Al Gore turned 75, and will leave Apple’s Board of Directors because of the company’s age-based restrictions. At 75, he’s now too old to be on the Board, and 60-65 years too old to build iPhones.

A United Airlines flight from Edinburgh, Scotland to Newark, New Jersey was cancelled because the pilot was arrested for having a taser in his carry-on bag. The pilot said he only planned to use the taser if someone tried to steal his vodka.

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Donald Trump is rumored to have lost weight using diabetes drugs like Ozempic or Mounjaro. However, Trump’s doctor said he “has reduced his weight through an improved diet and continued daily physical activity.” Then firefighters were called to the doctor’s office to extinguish his pants.

A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Philadelphia was robbed at gunpoint by a man demanding the keys for mailboxes. The robber took the keys and finished his route in half the time.

The state of California is concerned that LA Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani is dodging taxes by deferring $680 million of his record-breaking contract. Ohtani is also concerned that he has a structured settlement but he needs cash now.

Cosmopolitan magazine released a special ‘Sex After 60’ issue. It contains 50 pages of ads, and is 53 pages total.

Child researchers say screen time for children younger than two years old could lead to sensory development issues and learning disabilities. The problem is particularly bad for babies sitting in their grandparents lap while they watch Fox News.

A viral TikTok video features a woman claiming to use LinkedIn as a dating app. Then after the dates she endorses the men for skills like Orgasm Management.

NBA star Ja Morant of the Memphis Grizzlies – who’d been suspended for social media videos waving a handgun – will miss the remainder of the season with a shoulder injury. Both the suspension and injury left Morant unable to shoot.

Lawyers for Donald Trump in his presidential immunity hearing offered a “qualified yes” when asked if a president is immune from prosecution for ordering Navy SEALs to kill a rival candidate. Trump explained Joe Biden is President of Al Qaeda.

The World Economic Forum shared their 10-year outlook, saying the world could suffer catastrophic consequences in the next decade, citing climate change, artificial intelligence, and the reintroduction of the Double Big Mac.

Armed men stormed a TV station in Ecuador during a live broadcast and took several station workers hostage, amidst the nation’s battle with drug gangs. Concerned viewers were frightened, but also frustrated at having to wait until the 11 O’Clock News to find out what happened.

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The first new public elementary school built in North Philadelphia in more than 70 years opened. A sixth grader cut a ribbon at one of the school’s exits to become the first student dropping out of it.

The mansion of Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill caught fire. Afterward, the structure was ruled incomplete.

Subscribers are cancelling streaming services in record numbers, due to higher prices, and watching 25 minutes of the latest Adam Sandler movie.

6.9 million 23andMe customers had their personal information stolen in a massive data breach. Although one of the hackers was delighted to discover several of the victims were long-lost cousins.

Amy Robach told her romantic partner and former Good Morning America co-host T.J. Holmes that she “lost most of her worldly possessions” in the divorce that followed their extramarital affair. Holmes said he remembered the first time she lost her shirt.

Dozens of previously-sealed documents related to Jeffrey Epstein were unsealed Wednesday. It’s the first time Donald Trump and Bill Clinton appeared together in years.

An Illinois man issued a warning, claiming he fell into a diabetic coma after taking counterfeit Ozempic. However, he did lose 8 pounds while he was knocked out.

TGI Fridays abruptly closed 36 underperforming restaurants, which they’re renaming SDI* Thursday. [*Shutting Down Immediately]

Colombian carrier Avianca was named the World’s Most Punctual Passenger Airline – mainly because crews are terrified what will happen if the drugs arrive late.

People with hearing loss who use hearing aids exhibit a 24% lower risk of mortality – as opposed to the 76% who can’t hear their friend say “look out for that truck”.

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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.

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Restaurant chain Founding Farmers is being dragged for adding a 5% “wellness charge” to customer bills to subsidize employees paid vacation & health care. Meanwhile Waffle House quietly added a 5% “illness charge” to pay for customer trips to the emergency room.

A rabid raccoon attacked a student on the Princeton University campus. The raccoon remains at large, but is expected to show up for finals if it wants to keep its scholarship.

A woman who appears to be pregnant has been spotted on several doorbell cameras stealing packages in the Philadelphia suburbs. That, or she stole a basketball and forgot to put it in her trunk.

McDonald’s announced plans to open 10,000 new restaurants. Although bulls say they’re going to have a hard time making enough new cows.

Diabetes & weight-loss drunk Ozempic could be used to treat alcohol abuse. Doctors are hoping they have a new weapon to treat two-thirds of fat, drunk & stupid.

A new study links wasabi to ‘substantial’ boosts in memory – and to the introduction of new Flamin’ Hot Prevagen.

A woman who threw a hot burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle worker was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 60 days working a fast food job. Ironically, her job in jail pays better.

The final Republican Presidential Debate was held last night, with most observers saying Nikki Haley finished first – and Chris Christie last – in the all-important Swimsuit Competition.

Ken Hudson Campbell – who portrayed a local Santa in the original ‘Home Alone‘ – is the beneficiary of a GoFundMe to pay for his cancer surgery. He’s also kind of pissed that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest only gives money to children’s charities.

Daddy Yankee, rapper and King Of Reggaeton, announced he’s retiring from music to devote his life to Christ, and attend churchaton.

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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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Toy maker Zuru recalled over 7 million Baby Shark bath toys over risk of puncture wounds from its hard plastic top fin. They’ve also recalled their Adult Shark toys after several reported deaths.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk said its high-dose oral semaglutide pill – the same active ingredient as popular weight loss drug Ozempic – leads to a 15% weight loss in obese patients. It’s even higher if the leg that falls off is more than 15% of a user’s body weight.

A robot is collecting debris about 1,600 feet from the wreck of the Titanic, looking for pieces of the OceanGate Titan. Although so far the robot has only collected a lot of rich-guy pocket watches and top hats.

A missing Illinois teen girl was spotted in North Carolina after the girl’s illegal abduction by her mother was featured on Netflix’s Unsolved Mysteries. The woman who identified the girl is now working on the unsolved mystery of her ex-boyfriend’s new Netflix password.

‘Granfluencers’ – seniors who amass large online followings – have taken TikTok by storm. OnlyFans?..not so much.

In 1990, a man named Tom Stuker bought a lifetime air pass from United Airlines for $290,000. He has since flown more than 23 million miles, lost 40 suitcases and 6 dogs.

Khloe Kardashian posted a new selfie showing off her new short haircut – sending Hulu executives scrambling to turn it in to an eight-episode miniseries.

Viral video shows a Florida shark biting a man on a boat in the Everglades who’d put his hand in the water, dragging him off the boat. The shark was angry at the man for drinking a Bud Light with his other hand.

Kim Kardashian said on a podcast her favorite sex is “passionate make-up sex”, specifically, “make-up for getting angry over your antisemitism” sex.

Mexican authorities are reviewing a disturbing video where members of the Jalisco New Generation drug cartel threaten female restaurant servers with guns as they extort money from them. The women say they’ll comply, but it’s not their fault everyone is ordering $1 margaritas at the Applebees where they work.

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Las Vegas Police reportedly set up surveillance cameras at a home where residents reported a UFO and alien sightings. One resident said they were anally probed on the alien ship, leading two CSIs to quit instead of gathering evidence.

The popularity of weight-loss drug Ozempic is creaing a spike in emergency room visits from users suffering diarrhea, nausea & bloating. Because symptoms are so similar, hospitals are separating visitors in to an Ozempic line, and an Arby’s line.

Disney/Pixar’s Elemental posted the worst opening box office weekend for a Pixar film at just $29.6 million – even lower than their second-worst effort, Buzz & Woody’s Wedding.

Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston said he plans to honor existing commitments and retire from acting in 2026. He’ll seek advice on how to live without movie & tv roles from any one of the people serving him when he goes out to eat.

Spotify podcasting exec Bill Simmons called Prince Harry & Meghan Markle “f*cking grifters” after they ended a $20 million deal to produce content for the streaming service. A spokesperson for the couple corrected Simmons, saying technically they’re F*cking Archgrifters of Sussex.

A man who lost 360 pounds started a GoFundMe to pay for removal of his excess skin through a series of surgeries. He wants donors to feel like they have some skin in the game, so he’ll send them some of his.

Hunter Biden agreed to plead guilty to misdemeanor gun and tax evasion charges. “Well, that settles it, we can stop talking about this now” said Republicans.

Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt paid $67.6 million at a Treasury Department auction for a 267-foot superyacht that was seized from a Russian oligarch at the start of the Ukraine war. Schmidt says he plans to redecorate it, but will keep the hookers & blow.

Russia accused the U.S. of planning to drop malaria-infested mosquitos on Russian troops invading Ukraine. The U.S. denied it, admitting they tested the idea, but most of the mosquitos quit during basic training.

Singer Bebe Rexha was struck in the face with a smartphone at a New York concert, giving her a black eye and a three-stitch cut. A 27-year-old male was charged with simple assault, and also charged $100 for a cracked iPhone screen.