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A Seventh Day Adventist Pastor in The Bronx told parishioners women must submit to their husbands, and told husbands “the best person to rape is your wife”. Those in attendance questioned the need for a sermon at the kickoff for the church’s Holiday Bake Sale.

Philadelphia, which is approaching 500 homicide deaths in 2021, is calling for a Homicide Free Thanksgiving. But they promise to make it up to residents with an upcoming ’12 Days Of Homicide’ Christmas promotion.

Kyle Rittenhouse visited Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago, but said if he wanted to eat Big Macs and watch Fox News, he could have just stayed home.

A 45-year-old man in Moradabad, India – declared dead after being hit by a motorcycle – was found alive after 7 hours in a morgue freezer. He was listed in critical condition following treatment on ‘defrost’ in a morgue microwave.

Apple delayed the rollout of its ‘Digital Drivers License’ feature – where you can add your license to Apple Wallet – until “early 2022”. On the bright side, teenagers can use Apple’s new ‘Digital Fake ID’ feature immediately.

Rolls-Royce claims to have developed the world’s fastest all-electric aircraft, reaching over 387 mph before crashing into a Tesla recharging station at an A-Plus Mini-Mart.

Scientists were stunned to find a 10,000-year-old mammoth tusk at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, adding that the tusk was incredibly well-preserved, as was the note telling the mammoth it failed its junior lifeguard exam.

A bizarre species of tropical bees, known as “vulture bees”, forego pollen and eat meat from dead animal carcasses instead. Vulture bees were discovered when South American beekeepers opened hives and found Slim Jims instead of honey.

Dick Vitale returned to courtside for ESPN, calling the NCAA basketball game between Gonzaga and UCLA while he continues treatment for lymphoma. Vitale cried when he was introduced, causing millions of viewers to temporarily unmute their TVs.

Steve Burton, 51, an actor on ‘General Hospital’ for the last 30 years, was fired for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccines, and that he’d take his chances at Actual Hospital.

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200 Philadelphia teens have been shot in the city’s streets so far this year. So officials are opening Curfew Centers, where teens can get off the streets and be shot indoors.

Sesame Street introduced Ji-Young, a Korean female Muppet. Grover now exclusively dates Asians.

AMC Theaters announced a plan to sell their popcorn outside of cinemas, without having to buy a movie ticket. Customers can choose different varieties of popcorn from 2020, 2019, and other vintages.

Jury selection begins in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex=trafficking trial. “Reject her, she’s not young or hot enough” said Maxwell to her attorney, adding “oops, force of habit”.

500 people were hospitalized with stings as heavy storms washed scorpions into homes in Egypt. No one died, but all of them were disappointed that their State Egyptian Farm homeowners policies don’t cover scorpion damage.

A Maryland mayor was charged with 50 counts of distributing revenge porn on Reddit, at Subreddits including r/needysluts. A Reddit moderator condemned the mayor, saying his actions violated the strict community standards of r/needysluts.

An Australian reptile park said a ‘megaspider’ – a massive funnel-web spider measuring 3 inches long with fangs that can pierce a human fingernail – is the biggest of its kind they’ve seen; and that it took five stomps with a steel-toed boot to kill it.

Pennsylvania banned Japanese Barberry, an invasive ornamental shrub that crowds out native plants and provides a home for diseased ticks. The Department of Agriculture is awarding grants so ticks can be rehomed in the coats of deer.

A 38-year-old Massachusetts man with recurring seizures and episodes of “speaking gibberish” was diagnosed with tapeworms tbat had lived in his brain for years. Doctors were tipped off by the 7-Eleven Sushi Loyalty Club Card in his wallet.

A woman who uses a wheelchair surprised her fiance at their wedding by rising out of the chair and walking down the aisle. She realized her dream of walking down the aisle, and his dream of consummating their marriage with standing sex.

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A man remains at large after stabbing a security guard at a NYC Apple Store. The attack was captured on store security, but not by any of the dozen-or-so dopes standing around holding iPhones.

Police in suburban Philadelphia arrested 6 people, charged with selling cocaine out of ambulances. Cops noticed a spike in 911 calls asking for rides to raves and music festivals.

Alabama school employee Martha Pope, 43, was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old male student. Or, as it’s known in Alabama high schools, “health class”.

A Manhattan entrepreneur who hired a woman as a live-in assistant was arrested for placing hidden cameras in her bedroom and bathroom, then tried to blame his 10-year-old son. “Not only did I not do it, he wouldn’t even let me watch the video!” said the 10-year-old.

A man & woman, Philadelphia Eagles fans, were removed from the Carolina Panthers stadium after having sex in a men’s room stall during last Sunday’s game. It didn’t last long, since the man only made it to the L in the E-A-G-L-E-S chant before finishing.

LinkedIn is shutting down its China website, after crashing the Internet sending billions of notifications telling people to congratulate factory employees celebrating work anniversaries.

Ghost Robotics, a robot maker for the military, showed off the new Q-UGV, a robot dog equipped with a gun. “No, YOU sit” said the robot.

A stuntman inverted in a straitjacket was smashed between two exploding cars in a stunt gone wrong on the new ‘America’s Got Talent: Extreme‘. He was rushed to a trauma unit after receiving the show’s first-ever Golden Medivac.

Gay comic Hannah Gadsby – responding to Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos defending Dave Chappelle’s recent special – said she takes sh*ts with more backbone than Sarandos. Gadsby is currently recovering from rectal reconstruction surgery.

NBA Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving refuses to get the COVID-19 vaccine, the first shot in his life he wouldn’t consider taking.

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Following a wild shooting outside a Wawa convenience store, Philadelphia police needed to use coffee cups from the store to mark all of the bullet casings. They intended to mark the casings with donuts, but they disappeared.

Philadelphia also surpassed 400 homicides in 2021. Mayor Jim Kenney said he’s “outraged and heartbroken”, but plans to slow things down by mandating vaccines, masks, and kevlar vests.

The Rolling Stones paid tribute to deceased drummer Charlie Watts as their tour kicked off in St. Louis, as they posted large photos of Watts on video screens, alongside a video of band members splitting a pile of cash three ways instead of four.

A home drone delivery service in Canberra, Australia shut down because ravens kept attacking the drones. The ravens are angry that the drones are flying too close to their nests, and doubly-angry that none of the parcels contain worms.

A viral video shows a woman with a portable mic & speaker walking the aisle of a Spirit Airlines flight, performing songs from her “mixtape”. She dedicated her performance in celebration of her 3rd anniversary as a Spirit Airlines flight attendant.

Dog The Bounty Hunter announced he’s joining the search for Brian Laundrie, who’s wanted in the death of Gabby Petito. Dog will focus his search on the Appalachian Trail, where there are more tv cameras than the Florida swamps.

Cheryl Burke, professional dancer on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, will not appear for several weeks because she’s positive for COVID-19. ABC execs arranged a hastily-produced limited-run spinoff, Ventilating With the Stars.

Facebook is reportedly pausing development of an Instagram app for children, owing to heightened criticism of influencer culture, and concern that they’re not getting high enough adoption of the app from hot-looking kids.

Nestle recalled 14 tons of DiGiorno frozen pizzas for containing an ‘undeclared ingredient’, soy protein – after mouse droppings on the pizza tested positive for soy protein.

Carjacking cases are skyrocketing in New York and other cities. It’s so bad, carjackers created an app so they can carpool.

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A Michigan man is charged with placing pipe bombs at cell phone stores because he was angry about the spread of cursing and pornography. He was apprehended on the way to getting his Macbook repaired at the Genius Bar.

The search for Brian Laundrie continues in Florida, with dive teams searching underwater in swamps. Police have not named Laundrie a suspect in the death of his fiance Gabby Petito, but rather a Person-Probably-Eaten-By-Alligators Of Interest.

A Philadelphia woman grew impatient at a Chipotle restaurant, drawing a gun and saying “somebody better get me my food”. Terrified employees forgot to charge her “a little more” for guacamole.

A Subway sandwich shop franchisee and executive is accused of cheating 3,000 employees out of $38 million in wages and benefits, and of cheating an untold number of customers out of a decent lunch.

Subway’s August sales were their biggest in 8 years, following an overhaul to their menu. “Wow! I can’t wait to try it in 8 years!” said Jared Fogle.

Betty Reid Soskin, a National Park Service Ranger in Richmond, California, turned 100. She celebrated the milestone with her 100-year-old life partner, Smokey The Bear.

Extreme weather conditions are leading to 16-foot waves on the Southwest shores of Lake Michigan, depositing up to three times as many dead gangsters on the Chicago lakefront.

Microsoft will introduce the Surface Laptop Studio, a $1,599 tablet/laptop hybrid that it codenamed ‘The Frankenstein’ during development. They called it Frankenstein because it’s powered by old Zune music players and Microsoft Fit Bands.

Citing a bus driver shortage, Camden, New Jersey is offering parents $1,000 to drive their own kids to school. Since it’s Camden, parents can choose to receive their payment in cash, ammunition, or drugs.

B.B. King’s estate is angry over a biographer’s claim that B.B.’s 15 children with 15 different women can’t possibly be his, because he was left sterile from a boyhood accident. That, and B.B.’s unreleased single ‘Low Sperm Count Blues’.

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A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.

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Firefighters battling California’s Dixie wildfire report some property owners pointing guns at them as they try to rescue them from the approaching flames. Firefighters also didn’t know the Bloods and Crips own clubhouses near the fire.

The National Labor Relations Board reaffirmed the right of unions to put Scabby, the giant inflatable rat, in front of businesses using non-union labor. Local health departments will, however, still oppose giant non-inflatable rats inside of restaurants.

The U.S. Senate is set to approve a massive $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which is estimated to be enough money to repair one-third of the potholes in and around Philadelphia.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is asking hospitals to halt non-urgent procedures as COVID-19 cases soar in the state – risking an untimely halt to Texas’ massive cheerleader boob job industry before the start of football season.

Blake Moynes got engaged to The Bachelorette Katie Thurston on the show’s season finale, after Thurston ended a romance with another contestant, Justin Glaze, and a third contestant, Greg Grippo, quit. The couple are reportedly still engaged, at least until Thurston can track down one of the other two guys.

Fox Network’s Fantasy Island reboot premieres tonight, as Donald Trump demands to know how he can get on the show.

Harrison Ford vacationed in Croatia as he recovers from an injury suffered on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Joint Replacement.

Twitter suspended Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene for spreading misinformation about vaccines. She’ll be reinstated in a week so she can resume spreading misinformation about vaccines.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards, a frontrunner to become permanent host, allegedly has a history of sexual harassment and poor workplace behavior. He admits he’s stronger in some categories and weaker in others.

Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is selling an NFT of her “Not Impressed” meme-face from her silver medal ceremony in 2012. It could sell for a 5-figure price, then be shown off by its owner to people making the Not Impressed face.

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Five employees were injured when a tornado ripped through Faulkner GMC/Buick in the Philadelphia suburbs. Owners, however, wanted to clarify that this is not to be confused with their End-Of-July Tornado of Savings Event.

The first wave of Afghanistan evacuees – residents who helped U.S. Troops – arrived in Virginia. They were treated to tours of Colonial Williamsburg, and immediately asked to go back to Afghanistan.

A woman broke the world record by delivering nine babies. She’s planning to feed them with a breast pump attached to a sprinkler.

House Republicans are protesting the mask mandate by walking to the Senate chamber, where masks aren’t required, and where Congressman Matt Gaetz heard it was the Senate’s ‘Take Your Daughter To Work’ Day.

Los Angeles approved an ordinance criminalizing homelessness. Homeless people are turning themselves in on days where they like the menu at the county jail.

People in Missouri are wearing disguises to get COVID-19 vaccines so their conservative friends won’t shun them. Missouri’s Department of Health said they’ve issued a record number of vaccine cards to Frankenstein, Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees.

Scarlett Johansson is suing Disney, saying their decision to co-premiere Marvel Studios ‘Black Widow’ on Disney+ led to her losing out on back-end compensation. The lawsuit appears ugly, and also jeopardizes Johansson’s upcoming role in ‘That Darn Cat 2’.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowski, 36, told her Instagram followers that she contracted shingles. She said it surprised her because of her age, and because she’s never been on a roof in her entire life.

The Winklevoss Twins band played their first live gig. They call themselves The Righteous Brothers because they thought of it first.

Donald Trump is selling one of his personal helicopters. No selling price is listed, but its estimated value is around $1 million – minus whatever it costs to get the smells of McDonald’s and bronzer out of it.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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Lin-Manuel Miranda apologized for failing to cast dark-skinned Afro-Latino actors in his hit movie ‘In The Heights’, but added “come on, Aaron Burr was pretty black in Hamilton..”

Philadelphia is innovating to solve its two problems of illegal ATVs & dirt bikes, and uncollected trash, by building garbage ramps for illegal ATVs & dirt bikes to jump over.

Sotheby’s will auction the 9,555 lines of source code that formed the basis for the World Wide Web. It will also sell the performance review of the person who wrote it, where their boss gave them an overall grade of ‘Needs Improvement’.

AMC Networks is premiering ‘Kevin Can F**k Himself’, a send-up of the ‘awkward husband’ sitcom format, named after production assistants favorite phrase on the set of defunct Kevin James show ‘Kevin Can Wait’.

Rihanna’s Fenty fashion line debuted new leggings with an open-weave crisscross pattern that exposes the wearer’s butt crack. Rihanna explained that she likes to wear leggings, but needed a place to hold her phone.

The Chief of the Bank of England warns that rising adoption of cryptocurrency attracts criminal activity. Then he announced that the Bank of England will accept overdraft penalty fees in Bitcoin.

A proposed documentary on the career of Jim Varney is seeking crowdfunding, ‘Ernest Goes To Kickstarter’.

Actor/comedian Rob Riggle is accusing his estranged wife Tiffany of installing a spy camera in his office to hear conversations with his girlfriend. Tiffany is believed to be the only person in America who wants to see & hear more from Rob Riggle.

Some Americans were infected with COVID-19 as early as December, 2019. They’re believed to be the Hello Fresh customers who ordered the Cheesy Pangolin Casserole.

Producers of the Harley Quinn animated series on HBO Max were forced to delete a scene depicting Batman performing oral sex on Catwoman – as well as an additional scene where she returns the favor and coughs up a hairball.