By |

Amazon will spend $700 million retraining a third of its workforce by 2025 – retraining them to work somewhere else when they’re replaced by a robot.

A Japanese hotel built a lifesize Boeing 737 flight simulator into one of its rooms. To operate it, you have to rent the hotel room, and then prove that you’re drunk.

Privacy advocates are concerned by reports that Google has humans listening to, and transcribing, questions asked to Google Assistant. For their part, the humans are bored typing “Hey Google, how late is Wendy’s open?” thousands of times.

Video captured off the South Carolina coast by the NOAA Ocean Exploration & Research team shows a large, bony, wreckfish swallowing a shark whole. The video continues with the wreckfish swimming to a Charleston Walgreen’s for antacid.

The group One Million Moms is calling for a boycott of Toy Story 4 over a scene where a lesbian couple is dropping off their child at school, saying it’s a subtle nod to LGBT normalcy. However, Woody & Buzz thought it was kinda hot.

The CDC declared West Virginia the Most Obese U.S. State, with 38% of residents considered obese, and the other 62% thinner, but mostly because of opioids.

A Tucson, Arizona driver was charged with DUI after his car crossed the median and slammed into a giant saguaro cactus, which went through the windshield. He refused a breathalyzer, so the cops just held it up to the many holes in his face.

Clay County, Missouri police tweeted that they’d apprehended a fugitive suspect wanted for drug possession when he loudly farted while hiding, giving up his location. The cops then assumed he was armed and fired 30 rounds at him.

Nicole Kidman posted on Instagram that she’d gotten a dog for the first time in her life. The dog described her as “pretty stuck-up”.

President Trump spoke about kidney health, saying “kidneys have a special place in the heart” – leading Americans to wonder how he survives without either.

By |

U.S. Attorneys discovered photos and images on discs, believed to be of underage girls, at the home of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. They thanked an elite tactical team of junior high boys enlisted for the search, highly skilled in finding porn hidden in anyone’s house.

For just the second time, a woman has given birth after receiving a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The donor remains anonymous, but was described as “almost frigid”.

Mini Cooper debuted its first fully electric vehicle. It can travel up to 180 miles carrying four environmentally-conscious lesbians.

A 13-year-old Canadian scientist has proven that decibel levels of restroom hand dryers are harmful to children’s hearing – as are the general decibel levels following Taco Tuesday in the school cafeteria.

Facebook published its 2019 diversity report, saying that it’s looking to expand the number of women and minority employees from current levels, to “some”.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York on Thursday, which started “when we’re ready, OKAY?!” said the women.

Golfer John Daly was refused the use of a riding golf cart by the Open Championship in Ireland. Daly dropped out of the tournament and started looking for an Irish Hooters parking lot where he could sign autographs.

Twitter announced new rules banning hate speech based on religion, as part of its commitment to a culture of trust, safety and respect which will never exist.

Disney is recalling its Toy Story 4 “Forky” plush toy because its plastic eyes could detach and cause a choking hazard. They advise taking the toy from children, then watching as the rest of your child’s toys risk their lives trying to get it back.

Shadow Cabaret strip club will host a charity golf tournament at Trump Doral in Florida featuring strippers as ‘caddy girls’ – raising questions about why the Trump organization would host the event, and bigger questions about why the President isn’t playing in it.

By |

Wildlife officials in the U.K. rescued what they thought was an exotic bird, that turned out to be a seagull covered in curry powder. They treated the bird, and stopped eating chicken tikka masala at a nearby Indian food buffet.

An artist unveiled a wooden statue of Melania Trump in her native Slovenia. Insiders say the President is frustrated by his inability to unveil the wooden statue living with him in the White House for the last two years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup. President Trump said the women should be paid equally to the men, but then went ahead and ordered value meals for their visit instead of full-price Big Macs and Whoppers.

Martin Charnin, lyricist & writer of the Broadway smash Annie, died at age 84 following a hard knock – a heart attack.

Amazon is selling a 292-square-foot tiny house for $18,800. It takes 2-3 days to build and 2-3 friends to help you steal it off of the porch of someone who ordered it.

On a cruise bound for South Korea from Vladivostok, Russia, a man hallucinating & high on drugs burst into a married couple’s cabin and was arrested after a shoving match. It was all part of the maiden voyage of the new Carnival Angel Dust ship.

On his family’s first night living at their new home, a Virginia dad fired 39 warning shots and brawled with a naked woman who called herself “the devil” after she broke in on July 4th night. The woman was subsequently fired by Welcome Wagon.

ICE used facial recognition to scan state driver’s license databases without individual consent, angering civil rights activists and illegal immigrants who hate the way their face looks in those pictures.

The Cincinnati Reds wore ‘throwback’ 1956-era sleeveless jerseys – baring their arms – for a game against the Cleveland Indians that the Reds lost, 11-1. Sun’s out, empty guns out.

15-year-old American tennis phenom Cori Gauff’s run at Wimbledon ended with Round-of-16 defeat to 7th seed Simona Halep, as Coco went cold.

 

By |

Disney named Halle Bailey, a black actress, to play the lead role of Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid. Racists are demanding the scales be balanced with Sebastian the Crab portrayed by Larry the Cable Guy.

Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp experienced outages on Wednesday. Opportunists seized on it to claim they never got the event invite to boring July 4th barbecues.

Joey Chestnut won his 12th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship – and with it, surpassed the FDA’s recommended lifetime allowance of sodium 50 times over.

President Trump’s July 4th speech included factual errors about Americans taking over “airports” in 1776, and when the Star-Spangled Banner was written. Though Trump clearly doesn’t know history, the world hopes they’re spared his having to repeat it.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck California on July 4th, centered 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles. President Trump accused liberal Hollywood of stealing attention from his Salute To America in Washington, D.C.

Japan resumed commercial whaling. Asked what they would do with their catch, Japanese whalers replied “probably something gross.”

Witnesses near St. Petersburg, Florida watched 10 alligators drag a “badly decomposed” human body into Lake Maggiore – kicking off the grand opening of Florida’s newest Old Country Alligator Buffet.

A passenger on Columbian airline Viva Air arrived 30 minutes after boarding closed for her flight from Medellin to Bogota, leading her to angrily smash a gate agent’s laptop. She was arrested and later booked on a different flight to smuggle drugs.

Market researcher TrendForce states 65-inch TVs are the most popular choice in North American households, and 27-inch TVs are the most popular ones sitting by curbs with “FREE!” signs on them.

According to the Labor Department, job creation bounced back in June, reflecting the return of Marvel superheroes brought back to life in Avengers: Endgame.

By |

Thomas Hatchett, an 86-year-old resident at a New Jersey retirement community, was charged with the shooting death of a 71-year-old fellow resident. Hatchett was apprehended watching whatever he wanted to on the rec room tv.

Nike canceled its Betsy Ross Flag shoes after Colin Kaepernick raised concerns – then laid off the bonnet-wearing Indonesian factory women sewing the flags on the shoes while sitting in rocking chairs.

Former Google employee Andy Rubin – founder of the Android operating system – is accused in divorce proceedings of having several mistresses and of running a ‘sex ring’. “Tell me more about this Android sex ring” said lonely Japanese bachelors.

The deadly poison Sarin was detected at a mailing facility on the Facebook campus. Employee reactions ranged from Wow! to Angry to Sad.

A former NASA intern who purchased footage of the 1969 moon landing for $218 may earn millions when it’s auctioned by Sotheby’s, who rated the video “flawless”. The auction will take place just as soon as someone edits out the director yelling “Action!”

A 70-year-old marathoner who set an age group record in the L.A. Marathon was disqualified for cheating. He claims he isn’t a bad guy, citing the 5-star review he gave to his Uber driver.

A Jim Beam warehouse containing 45,000 whiskey barrels caught fire. “I’LL save you!” said alcoholic Superman.

Domestic violence charges were dropped against Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Odubel Herrera.  Observers speculated that Herrera has four balls, cause it looks like he’s gonna walk.

A 10-foot 800-pound shark was tracked off of the Jersey Shore in Cape May. It’s believed the shark is a local, since it complained about the calamari.

President Trump’s July 4th celebration is rumored to be costing the National Parks Service $2.3 million – angering those saying that money is for employees who never clean or deodorize National Park restrooms.

 

 

By |

President Trump made history as the first U.S. President to set foot in North Korea, then promptly blew it by asking for his dry cleaning.

Observers questioned where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un acquired a Rolls Royce limousine. He claims it was a reward for straight-As in every class he ever took, but privately everyone assumes he assassinated the guy who used to own it.

Taylor Swift published a scathing Tumblr post over her music catalogue being acquired by music industry mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun. The public is hoping Braun will do the right thing and burn all of it.

Meghan Markle attended the Yankees/Red Sox series in London, and gave all of the players ceremonial baseballs with her phone number written on them.

The Buffalo Bills are selling pieces of artifical turf recently removed from their home at New Era Field. They make the perfect gift for someone you hope never has anything good happen to them.

Facebook, AirBNB and Google all have policies forbidding employees from asking another employee on a date twice. So it’s either get rejected and give up, or really make that first date count.

In South Africa, magician Li Lau was struck in the head with an arrow when one of his tricks went wront. Li is expected to recover, and will continue to refine his Don’t Get Hit In The Head With An Arrow illusion.

The New York Mets honored the 50th Anniversary of their 1969 Amazin’ Mets championship team, but mistakenly included two living players in an ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow. No members of the 2019 Mets were shown, though a lot of them wish they were dead.

A new study from broker Edward Jones claims 38% of women admit being hindered from making life decisions by a lack of financial knowledge – adding that it’s just too much work emptying their bag to see how much money is in it.

The Centers for Disease Control warns Americans to take precautions against ‘cryptosporidium’ – a fecal bacteria that can live for days in public swimming pools, causing up to three weeks worth of “profuse, watery diarrhea”. They advise anyone with diarrhea not to swim for up to two weeks, angering water park owners who say they count on sick people to stay in business.

By |

Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

By |

Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

By |

Pet supply company Chewy raised over $1 billion in its initial public stock offering. “Who’s a good boy!?” said the CEO to the lead investment banker.

A Southwest Airlines passenger was bombarded with nude photos sent to her by a male passenger via Apple AirDrop. Flight attendants made an announcement for it to stop. The woman passenger was shocked, but pleased that the in-flight wifi worked so well.

O.J. Simpson started a Twitter account. Kato Kaelin is expected to join Twitter to take care of it for him.

CNN published a profile ‘What It’s Like To Be A White Woman Named LaKiesha’. Aside from the many other misunderstandings, she’s super-frustrated with all of the fundraising emails she gets from Blacks For Trump.

A mom said her 4-year-old son barely spoke until he heard the hit song ‘Old Town Road’ and started singing it. Now lots of people ask her to please shut up her non-verbal kid.

Mattel introduced Hot Wheels ID, ‘smart’ Hot Wheels cars that store data about how it performs in races, right up until your kid blows it up with firecrackers.

A shark bit an 8-year-old boy in the leg off the coast of North Carolina. The boy was rushed to a hospital and is expected to recover, and the shark has to register as a child predator.

More than 260 dolphins have been found stranded off of the Gulf Coast near Florida, Louisiana & Alabama. Scientists are baffled, but the dolphins blame Spirit Airlines.

Americans were outraged by a Tweet from Bill Cosby reading “Hey hey hey .. It’s America’s Dad”, then commenting about the importance of fatherhood. However, President Trump was relieved to see convicted felons get to use Twitter in prison.

President Trump tweeted about the “motley crew” of Democratic presidential challengers, reminding his followers that he’s the one they call Dr Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel alright.

 

By |

SunTrust and BB&T banks are merging and changing names to Truist. Asked to use it in a sentence, the CEO said “the Truist way to profitability is bounced check fees.”

A government watchdog group has recommended that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway be removed. The group is the Department of Hair, Makeup & Wardrobe.

  • They asked that Trump go too, but can’t do anything to a sitting President.

The Toronto Raptors won the NBA title, defeating the Golden State Warriors in six games. Prime Minister Trudeau’s staff is busily scheduling the team’s visit to 24 Sussex for a champion’s heat lamp buffet of McPoutine’s and Back Bacon King.

The New York Times shared a preliminary design of the Harriet Tubman $20 bill. It was reworked following a first draft showing Thomas Jefferson next to Tubman asking her out for drinks.

Scientists at Florida State University’s ‘MagLab’ – for the study of magnetic fields – have made the world’s strongest magnet. They’ve already received inquiries from Floridians interested in sticking an alligator to their refrigerator.

President Trump announced the departure of Press Secretary Sarah Sanders at a White House event promoting second chance programs for convicted felons. This way, their applications will be on top of the pile.

Nintendo is considering a move of its manufacturing operations out of China – to avoid U.S. import tariffs, and based on intelligence that Mario may be sharing intel secrets.

Bentley introduced a new sedan with a top speed of 207 miles per hour. Still, the 2020 Bentley Flying Spur is no match for the 1940 Oak Tree.

Google is ending integration of Google Photos and Google Drive. They say users find it ‘confusing’, adding that the move will make it much easier for Google to dis-integrate your content.

The first Democratic presidential candidate debates will air over two nights, June 26 & 27, on NBC Networks. Viewers are being tricked into watching by ads calling the debates ‘This Is 20 Of Us’.