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Delaware’s department of motor vehicles is temporarily halting issuance of vanity license plates. The policy is opposed by the ACLU, and Delaware residents who say it’s now going to be a lot harder to spot douchebags.

A Colorado woman told police “arrest me now” when they arrived to find her male partner dead on the bed with his penis cut off. “Okay” said police.

PGA golfer Rory McIlroy announced he’s divorcing his wife of seven years. McIlroy denied her claims that he was seeking an open marriage, saying she misunderstood when he said he was getting a new swing coach.

A Pennsylvania man dismembered his roommate and left the body parts in 3 different locations. He said he fought with the roommate, and wanted to give the CSIs a scavenger hunt.

Palmer chocolate company expanded a recall of white chocolate products over a salmonella risk. The CDC warned consumers to return Palmer products, or risk death by chocolate.

Closing arguments in Donald Trump’s hush money trial are set for next week. Ongoing arguments are set for every time Donald Trump appears in front of a camera.

Marston Hefner, son of Playboy founder Hugh, said his inheritance was reduced after stepmother Crystal Hefner convinced her husband to modify the will. Marston calls Crystal a “master manipulator”, which Crystal agrees is right because she was able to manipulate erections out of Hefner before he died at 91.

Select Wendy’s locations are offering a bucket of 50 chicken nuggets, which they’re calling the Nuggs Party Pack, and which struggling families are calling Dinner For A Week.

Kyle, Texas failed in its bid to set a world record for largest gathering of men with the same name, as just 706 ‘Kyle’s showed up, compared to over 2,000 ‘Ivan’s who set the record in a Bosnian city. The women’s record is over 10,000 ‘Karen’s who took their daughters to a Taylor Swift concert.

Red Lobster filed for bankruptcy and will now be known as Red Ink Lobster.

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Following their divorce, Melinda Gates is stepping down as Co-Chair of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation – which will continue its charitable work as the Bill Gates & Some Hot Girl That Jeffrey Epstein Introduced Him To Foundation.

Judge Judy is suing the National Inquirer for publishing a story claiming she’s helping the Menendez Brothers get a new trial. Judy claims she’s not pushing for their retrial, but she is hoping they get freed so they can co-star with her in a sitcom.

The WNBA started funding teams’ charter travel to road games. Two teams traveled on charter jets, two more traveled on charter buses, and the rest charter hitchhiked.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania man appeared in court after his arrest for allegedly breaking in to two women’s apartments and stealing their underwear. His attorney plans to file briefs with the court once he collects them all from the defendant.

Red Lobster workers in the Northeast were ‘blindsided’ as the chain abruptly closed 50 restaurants. Managers, servers & kitchen staff were given no warning, and lobsters had to find their own rides back to the ocean.

Kelly Clarkson finally admitted using a weight-loss drug to help shed approximately 60 pounds, but that “it isn’t Ozempic”. She’s previously claimed she lost the weight via “walks and cold plunges”, leading people to assume she took an ice bath after walking to liposuction.

Google is beta-testing a feature on its Google Messages app that allows users to edit text messages after they’ve already been sent. This comes as welcome news to everyone who’s ever texted ‘go duck yourself’ to someone.

Three inmates who bludgeoned notorious crime boss Whitey Bulger to death in a West Virginia prison accepted plea deals. Charges weren’t announced, but are believed to be assault, and unlawful use of the free weights in the recreation yard.

Following the resignation of Miss Teen USA for issues with pageant management, the runner-up said she doesn’t want the crown either. If one of the other 48 contestants doesn’t take it, the title will go to Miss Pre-Teen USA.

Kate Gosselin posted a Happy Birthday message to 4 of her sextuplets as they turned 20. The other two no longer speak to her and sided with their father, Jon. An older set of twins also took Kate’s side. Seizing on the dysfunction, TLC Network is offering them a new show, ‘Jon & Kate Plus Hate’.

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New research finds getting angry for just 8 minutes can raise the risk of heart attack and stroke. Doctors advise using relaxation techniques, or training to beat people up in 7 minutes or less.

A Pro-Palestine protestor on the campus of Stanford University was pictured wearing a Hamas headband. Even more disturbing was the protestor saying he bought the headband at Fanatics.

Women are reporting sagging ‘Ozempic breasts’ due to loss of fatty tissue as they drop weight. They say they can’t afford restorative implants because of Ozempic’s cost, so they’re turning to padded bras and the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

TikTok and Universal Music Group agreed to an increased royalty payment structure, so now music from Universal artists like Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish can play while you attempt the newest deadly viral challenge.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency plans to declassify marijuana as a less-dangerous Schedule III narcotic, thereby opening up legal interstate sales of it, and the inevitable Amazon Basics Weed.

Nose-pickers are more likely to incur serious staph infections. And are also more likely to lie about how they got a staph infection.

Red Lobster is reportedly on the verge of Chapter 11 bankruptcy, owing to ongoing losses from a popular Endless Shrimp promotion, and low demand for its Endless Mixed Vegetables promotion.

The judge in Donald Trump’s hush-money trial is holding another gag order hearing. He’s considering issuing a Talk All You Want About Anything Order, in hopes that Trump will violate that and shut up for once.

Viral video of a Miami-area bowling alley brawl shows one woman throwing bowling balls at another woman and hitting her in the head. There haven’t been this many Miami women getting hit with balls since Diddy’s last mansion party.

The executor of O.J. Simpson’s estate invited the families of murder victims Nicole Brown & Ronald Goldman to a meeting. He wouldn’t reveal any planned compensation to the families, but he did ask them if they needed golf clubs or football cards.

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For the first time ever, a Lifetime Christmas movie – ‘A Cowboy Christmas Romance‘ – features a sex scene. Copyright issues forced producers to switch out the film’s original title: ‘Brokeback Santa’s Workshop’.

Pope Francis canceled a planned trip to Dubai to attend a climate change conference because he’s still recovering from the flu – and not at all because his travel partner told him at the last minute that homosexuality is illegal in the United Arab Emirates.

A Virgin Atlantic Boeing 787 became the first jet to cross the Atlantic Ocean using sustainable, non-fossil fuel. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines Boeing 727 manufactured in 1963 became the first jet to barely make it from Chicago to Los Angeles on a quarter-tank of gas.

Kraft introduced vegan Mac & Cheese – just when you thought toddlers couldn’t possibly be even pickier douchebags.

Red Lobster said they recorded an $11 million quarterly loss on their Endless Shrimp promotion. Although final numbers aren’t yet available because a few hundred families that started over the summer are still going.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner’s alleged ex-girlfriend said he lied to ABC producers about their 3-year relationship after his wife died, and that he refused to take her to his high-school reunion because she gained weight. He ended their relationship by refusing to give her a rose. Or a text back. Or orgasms.

UK’s Metro Bank announced it was cutting 20% of its workers just weeks before Christmas. Metro Bank’s Board of Directors and CEO were then informed they’d each be visited by Three Spirits on Christmas Eve.

Trolls are accusing Beyonce of whitening her skin. Trolls are leaving Taylor Swift alone, because she couldn’t get any whiter if she tried.

Barry Manilow performed at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, and was criticized for his appearance by viewers who said he used too much Botox. Manilow clapped back, singing he can’t smile without it.

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Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

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Smoke from the U.S. wildfires has reached France – where it now wears a beret and striped sweater and makes fun of Americans along with the other smokers.

Navigation app Waze added lane guidance, so you’ll know when to get in the far-right lane before you start texting.

Donald Trump claims there are 25 witnesses disputing The Atlantic’s report that he called dead U.S. soldiers “losers” and “suckers” while in Europe. The witnesses are Barron’s classmates who clarify that he said it to them at Career Day.

Thanks to wildfires, Portland, Oregon has the worst air quality of any location on Earth. Which is news to the people in the restrooms at Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station.

Simon Properties shopping malls will stay closed on Thanksgiving, but will hold socially-distant trampling events throughout the Holiday season to help folks get in the spirit.

Madonna will direct a film biography of her own life. She’ll fund the project since studios balked at her casting choice for ‘Young Madonna’ – herself.

Red Lobster will offer the Dew Garita, the first “official” Mountain Dew cocktail, and the 100,000th overall, if you count the ones from losers drinking out of brown bags at the skate park.

COVID-19 cases among Florida children jumped 26% in a month. Contact tracers say teacher/student relationships are in full swing.

Eight people in Indonesia who refused to wear masks were ordered to dig graves for COVID-19 victims as punishment. They were then told to lie in the graves and wait.

Big Ten college football will return next month. Every player will be required to take COVID-19 tests. Those who fail will be assigned a tutor whose nasal mucus will pass.

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The U.S. Senate is considering expanding the Patriot Act to allow the FBI to view citizens web browsing history & search terms without a warrant. Civil liberties advocates oppose it, but the FBI said they’ve hit a dead-end tracking the ‘Busty Mature Latinas’ Killer.

A business analytics company forecasts Jeff Bezos will become the world’s first trillionaire by 2026. This upset many Americans, but most of them are more upset their Amazon Prime shipments are taking 7 days to get there.

Mary-Kate Olsen is getting divorced from French banker Pierre Olivier Sarkozy. He’s given her until May 18 to vacate their home, making it a Half-Full House.

Golden Corral shared reopening plans, where servers will bring buffet food to tables, and use special harnesses to lift children without touching them so they can shove their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Freelance platforms like Fiverr and Upwork say the most in-demand “side hustles” you can do from home include website design, app testing & blog writing. If you’re willing to go outside the home, they recommend “the world’s oldest side hustle”.

For its reopening, Disney World will check guests temperature prior to entry. They’ll use special thermometers to tell the difference between a real fever, and people angry at how much they just paid to get into Disney World.

A viral video shows a fight as a woman was kicked out of Red Lobster on Mother’s Day after demanding a refund because her order took 3 hours. Red Lobster’s spokesperson said they were glad no one was injured by the fight, or by the Shrimp Alfredo.

Researchers state low Vitamin D levels are correlated with severity of COVID-19 illness and death. They say prevention plans should include drinking milk in direct sunlight.

The same researchers are warning that women should use caution around dude-bros who offer to up their levels of “Vitamin D”.

A woman traveling by foot throughout India gave birth, then walked 99 miles with her newborn. She named the baby ‘Heavy’.

 

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A video posted to Instagram shows a group of Weber, Utah high school cheerleaders shouting the n-word. School officials reviewing the matter say the girls could be kicked off the squad or expelled, adding that the program is a cheertatorship, not a cheerocracy.

A study published in the journal Southeastern Naturalist confirmed that alligators in Florida and Georgia are snacking on small sharks and stingrays. Researchers say that many of the alligators consume them by accident, during Crab Fest at Red Lobster.

Google will use drones to deliver burritos in Australia. Early reviews describe the burritos as “cold” and “awful” following the long flight from Mexico.

Google also announced ambitious plans to build a ‘futuristic neighborhood’ outside of Toronto. The $50 million project will use technology to do everything from reducing pollution and commute times, to blocking rainfall and improving the weather. Asked if there’s anything the new community won’t have, a Google spokesperson replied “yeah, old people.”

President Trump reportedly plans a large increase in the number of “immigration jails” for illegal aliens —  side-by-side, along a thousand-mile stretch of the U.S./Mexico border.

Forbes Magazine released its annual list of the 400 Richest Americans. Donald Trump fell 92 spots from #156 in 2016 to #248, owing to what Forbes describes as a “tough New York real estate market” and “paying to keep that hookers peeing thing out of sight.”

NFL Players and owners met in New York to discuss anthem protests and increased community involvement. The NFL agreed to fund initiatives for community policing, where they’ll review police body cam footage and overturn arrests for no good reason.

Ford Motor Company is recalling over 1.3 million of their top-selling F150 pickup trucks to repair an issue where doors could open while the truck is moving. Ford reiterated that the trucks are Built Ford Tough, but that the people falling out of them are not.

 

Malaysia Airlines lost another CEO, and has given up looking for him.

ABC Networks announced a Black-ish spinoff, Grown-ish, will debut on its sister network Freeform this January. In other news, ABC is considering changing the name of The Good Doctor to Autist-ish.

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.