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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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Uber laid off 400 people on its marketing team – and added 400 people to its driving team.

A recent exposé in The Guardian claims Apple’s ‘Siri’ assistant routinely records people having sex. “Trust me, it’s not as cool as you think” said Siri.

North America will experience its second New Moon of the month on July 31st, also known as a Black Moon. President Trump called the Black Moon a dust-infested dump that should go back where it came from.

Professional eating champion Joey Chestnut spent National Chicken Wing Day in a Hooters restaurant, where he ate 413 wings in 12 hours. Afterward, he had trouble fitting into his shiny orange shorts.

Founder Elon Musk said that Tesla electric vehicles will soon add video streaming from Netflix and YouTube – so drivers can stay entertained while they engage autopilot and the car drives itself into the back of a tractor-trailer.

Julie K. Brown, a Miami Herald reporter whose articles about Jeffrey Epstein led to sex trafficking charges, sold a book that she wrote about him. Epstein did not participate, even though Brown offered to make it a pop-up book.

A passenger on Middle East Airlines gave birth to a baby girl in the plane’s restroom during a flight from Qatar to Lebanon. The unhappiest passengers on the flight were the one who sat next to the crying newborn, and whoever was next in line for the restroom.

Artists installed seesaws that span the U.S./Mexico border so that kids on either side can play together. However, Border Patrol agents are worried that Mexicans will use the seesaws to catapult themselves over the wall into U.S. territory.

44 people in China were injured at a water park when a “tsunami pool” generated a larger-than-expected wave. Officials cited an electrical system malfunction, after a thorough search turned up no signs of Godzilla.

A new study claims that by not eating the core and seeds of apples, people are missing out on most of its healthy gut bacteria. The study looked at the abundance of healthy bacteria in people who choked to death eating apple cores.

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Guy Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was nominated by Anyone Who’s Ever Been Famous And Didn’t Get Their Star Yet So Now They Can Demand One.

Uber says they’ll kick riders off of the ride-hailing app if their ratings from drivers become too low. This is known internally as the ‘Three Strikes’ Puke Policy.

Walmart hired Suresh Kumar to be their new Chief Technology Officer.  Kumar said  Walmart’s biggest technology challenge is from customers and employees swiping tech from the electronics department.

Twelve dead dolphins have washed up on the beaches of Delaware.  Many of them were too badly decomposed to know what killed them, but local sea life experts suspect the cause of death may have been boredom from living in Delaware.

The U.S./China trade war is hurting Maine’s lobster industry. Tariffs and export restrictions are causing lobstermen to really feel the pinch.

New York City subways will begin accepting fares from Fitbit Pay. For those choosing to jump the turnstiles, their Fitbit will count it as two big steps.

A woman’s body was found stuffed in to a curbside garbage bin in the Frankford neighborhood of Philadelphia. “We’ve never seen anything like this” said the garbage collector, “usually they’re in with recycling.”

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House. Secret Service knew it wasn’t the President, because it wasn’t just his pants on fire.

A Delta Airlines passenger is suing, claiming an emotional support dog mauled him on a flight. The victim claims Delta never verified the support dog’s credentials, and provoked the attack by including Pupperoni in his in-flight snack box.

Seybie, a newborn baby girl weighing just 8.6 ounces, is the smallest surviving human baby on record. Her parents requested anonymity – known only as “Barbie” and “Ken”.

 

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The U.S. Postal Service began a two-week trial transporting mail across the Southwest via self-driving trucks, to see if the trucks improve delivery times and costs. They failed to mention accuracy, as the truck arrived in New Mexico instead of Nevada, as planned.

Howard Stern said if he’d interviewed Hillary Clinton in 2016, she may have won the Presidential Election because she’d have “reached a new audience” and the interview would “humanize her” by letting her pick a stripper to get a free boob job.

Tokyo’s police department released the Digi Police app, a free app that lets women report groping and sexual misconduct on the subway and other crowded places. New York’s police are evaluating a similar app to report subway masturbators, but find most riders prefer using the camera app.

A woman delivered a baby in the parking lot of a Melbourne, Australia McDonald’s after sending her husband into the restaurant to get her a Quarter Pounder. He returned to the car, gave it to her, then drove to a hospital with a Seven Pounder.

Johnny Depp accused ex-wife Amber Heard of defecating in his bed as part of a lawsuit against her. He failed to produce the sheets as evidence, saying he’d sold them for a lot of money on eBay to some creep.

Shares of cosmetics company Avon rose 17%, as the company is rumored to be close to being sold. Avon’s CEO said you wouldn’t believe how many doorbells they had to ring to find the right buyer.

Plans are underway for Whitney Houston’s holographic likeness to star in a concert tour celebrating the late singer’s career, just as soon as the hologram can get a restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Uber is reportedly launching a new $9.99/month unlimited food delivery service, officially called Uber Eats Pass, and unofficially called Lousy Tippers.

Amazon put workstation video games in its warehouses, so that laborers advance in the game when they speedily perform tasks like packing boxes. The good news is workers are rewarded with swag for high scores, the bad news is they lose a life every time they black out from exhaustion or take a bathroom break.

Tech website CNET released its list of the Best Smartphones Under $500. Topping the list is a $1500 iPhone that you buy from whoever stole it.

 

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Washington state could become the first state in the U.S. to allow human composting. It’s unclear how many people will do it, since the procedure costs $5,500 –  in addition to an arm and a leg.

A 2-year-old will undergo STD testing after finding, and playing with, a used condom in the dining area of a McDonald’s restaurant in Australia. Health officials are also examining the purple semen found inside the condom.

A consumer advocacy group is suing the Department of Agriculture for continuing to certify chicken for human consumption that contains fecal bacteria. “And not just at Chipotle” said the lawsuit.

Botswana unveiled a large, near-flawless 20.46 carat blue diamond to rival the legendary Hope Diamond in size and purity. Botswana officials thanked diamond miners for their blood, sweat, more blood, and …well, mostly blood fighting to bring the diamond out.

Kim Kardashian said she would never bribe elite colleges to accept her children, when the kids could just advance their careers with a homemade porno movie.

A new study out of Britain finds that dog ownership is good for fitness, with dog owners more likely to get the recommended amount of exercise. The study also finds that dog ownership is risky for neighborhood friendships, since you’re more likely to wave at people with a bag of poop in your hands.

President Trump tweeted condolences for the victims of terror bombings in Sri Lanka, claiming that “138 million” people died. Trump later said he confused the number of Sri Lankans who died with the number of Americans citing his presidency wishing they were dead.

Following his team’s elimination in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Winnipeg Jets captain Blake Wheeler told a reporter asking what went wrong to “f**k off”. Wheeler also added “please”, in keeping with Canadians’ reputation for common courtesy.

Uber & Lyft are implementing new features in response to public outcry over rideshare safety. In addition to verifying the driver & vehicle, riders will be notified via the respective apps when drivers plan to commit a crime.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is proposing the cancellation of $640 billion in student debt. The $640 billion is the combined historic revenue of Devry, ITT Tech, Strayer & University of Phoenix.

 

 

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A Washington state man was charged in connection with a murder-for-hire plot where he contracted to have his wife killed, but the killer murdered her sister by mistake. He’s charged with conspiracy, and illegally demanding a buy-one-get-one-free murder.

An American Airlines flight attendant spilled a tray of drinks on the company’s CEO Doug Parker. Parker then asked if he could have a full can of soda and she said no.

An 80-year-old New York City man was arrested for the 1973 murder of two women in Virginia Beach. At his arraignment, he said he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling teenage relatives sending DNA to Ancestry.com.

Lori Loughlin now faces money laundering charges in the college admission scandal. A judge spent 20 minutes telling her that the charge was for sending money to a fake offshore charity, and not like the time D.J. put her wallet in the washing machine.

A social media columnist has coined the phrase “cloaking” – a form of “ghosting” where you not only stand up your date, but also block them on every social media and dating app. In other words, it’s how you treat your parents, except for the date part.

A Quebec family returning from a road trip to Florida kept driving to Canada after their 87-year-old patriarch died in the car, to avoid U.S. health care costs. They were pleased with the savings, but angry at being pulled over six times after tying him to the roof.

Uber introduced Uber Vouchers, where participating hotels, restaurants and clubs can place credits in customer’s Uber accounts to help pay for their rides and harrowing assaults.

A burglar broke into Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis’ Atlanta home last month while he was away, stealing five guns and $20,000 cash. Markakis said he meant to bring at least one of the guns with him to carry while he played right field in Philadelphia.

Walmart is expanding its use of in-store robots for cleaning and inventory, saying they want human workers to spend time interacting with customers. Walmart also said they’re updating the robots software so they’ll steal fewer Xboxes.

Warner Brothers ordered the Trump 2020 campaign to stop using music and fonts from 2013 Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in their promo materials. However, they said Trump can use the Bane mask when he talks so it’ll be harder to understand him.

 

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

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Kim Kardashian West said on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ that she was on ecstasy when she made her infamous sex tape. Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, was also on ecstasy that day — a stripper named Ecstasy. 

British researchers published a study claiming that increased use of self-driving cars could lead to more sex on the road — making Uber rides even more dangerous for women when the drivers don’t have to worry about steering. 

Rihanna’s fans were upset by singer Chris Brown – who’d been charged with felony assault for hitting her 10 years ago – commenting on Rihanna’s sexy topless Instagram photo. He posted an ‘eyes wide open’ emoji after deleting his original comment ‘can’t beat that!’

New Jersey police removed a man from Cheerleaders strip club in Gloucester City after he bought $150 in lap dances despite having only $11 cash — ten loose dimes and a roll of quarters that bruised one of the dancers.

General Motors announced it’s closing four manufacturing plants and terminating 15% of salaried executives to generate $6 billion in cash flow. Shares of GM rose 5% on the news; Christmas lists of GM workers’ kids were slashed 40%. 

The Washington Post reports President Trump is now focused on the ballooning federal deficit – deepening in large part due to his tax cuts – and ways to fix it. Aides say his top idea is to declare bankruptcy, close the U.S.A. and reopen under a new name. 

A husky dog missing from its home in Brooklyn, New York for 18 months was found outside of Tampa, Florida and will be returned home. The dog is just happy to get our of Florida, but is happy he got the opportunity to vote while he was there. 

The U.S. Postal Service confirmed that they exposed the data of over 60 million users. Hackers, however, are having difficulty monetizing the names and addresses of old people mailing birthday & sympathy cards. 

Hospitals in China are denying they delivered the first gene-edited babies, after reports of their birth surfaced from MIT and the Associated Press. “These are just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blue-eyed blond haired Chinese babies” said a hospital exec. 

Smash hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is launching its online multiplayer game in beta. Players can now shoot other cowboys in the Old West, or, if that doesn’t work, they can move to Florida and shoot whatever they want.