By |

New York State passed a law raising the minimum age to 21 in order to purchase or own a semi-automatic rifle. NRA parents are now left scrambling to find gifts for high-school graduation parties.

Queen Elizabeth pulled out of her scheduled appearance at a St. Paul’s Cathedral service during her Platinum Jubilee, citing “discomfort”. Other old British ladies were thrilled to have a new excuse they, too, could use to blow off two dismal hours at church.

The United Nations recognized the nation of Turkey’s official name change to Turkiye, pronounced tur-key-yay, and the condiment of Gravy’s official name change to Graviye.

COO Sheryl Sandberg announced she’s leaving Facebook parent company Meta, and that she’s under investigation for using company resources to plan her wedding. She runs Facebook, but still needed three Facebook software developers to figure out the privacy settings for the wedding event.

Apple claims its upcoming iPad OS 16 tablet operating system will finally make iPads effectively replace laptops. Because the software weighs four pounds.

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Joe Girardi. The team is now seven games under .500, but the last straw was Girardi testing positive for monkeypox.

NASA selected Axiom Space and Collins Aerospace to develop the next spacesuits for astronauts working outside the International Space Station (ISS), edging out Carhartt and Wrangler.

Law enforcement officials in Uvalde, Texas now claim 911 call information from terrified children “never reached” the police chief on-site – thanks to a Texas law requiring school children to answer each other’s 911 calls.

LIV Golf, the upstart professional golf league backed by the Saudi Arabian government, is rumored to have paid Dustin Johnson $125 million to join. Or, about a thousand times what they pay for guys to execute foreign journalists.

A new study finds 17 & 18 year olds should have one-to-two hours of screen time per day on weekdays, and two-to-three hours on weekends, to be emotionally well-adjusted. Males should spend most of their time on social media and websites, and an efficient 90 seconds on porn.

By |

The City of Philadelphia says applications for gun permits increased 539% from 2020 to 2021. They say the only thing more impressive than the volume increase is the penmanship of the 10-year-olds filling out the applications.

Tiger Woods was caught on a hot mic muttering ‘f*ck off’ as his shot on the 9th hole at The Masters failed to stay on the green. Later he was caught muttering “f*ck on?” during a brief phone conversation with a hostess at a nearby Outback Steakhouse.

The United Nations voted to remove Russia from the Human Rights Council, but Russia gets first pick of countries to join the new Human Rights Violations Council.

Today’s SpaceX launch is the first to send tourists to the International Space Station. Exact pricing is not disclosed, but each passenger paid in the “tens of millions” – not counting the $750,000 t-shirts from the Space Station gift shop.

A DHL cargo jet broke in half while making an emergency landing at a Costa Rica airport. Following an FAA investigation and work from local welders, Spirit Airlines Cargo will make its maiden voyage from Costa Rica.

Tesla Motors will begin selling its all-electric Cybertruck next year. They’d planned to launch this year, but could not reach an agreement with Bob Seger, Toby Keith or John Mellencamp for music to use in the commercials.

Google Meet implemented a feature that will end a video call if no one else shows up after five minutes. They call it Google Ghosted.

Pink Floyd reunited for the first time in 28 years to release a song protesting the Ukraine invasion: ‘Hey Hey Rise Up‘. The B-side is a song about Vladimir Putin’s conscience called ‘Uncomfortably Numb‘.

April 8th is Dog Farting Awareness Day, started by dog lovers to highlight the ways a dog’s flatulence provides insight to their health. Dogs are using the day to highlight human’s wrongful habit of blaming their flatulence on nearby dogs.

Chris Brown announced the birth of a baby girl with Instagram model Diamond Brown. Chris said that, as a mom, Diamond is hard to beat.

By |

Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

By |

Retired NBA player Iman Shumpert and partner Daniella Karagach won Season 30 of Dancing With The Stars, beating out favorites Jojo Siwa and Jenna Johnson – showing America prefers interracial couples to two women together.

A fan attacked wrestler Seth Rollins during a WWE Raw televised match at Barclays Center in Brooklyn. A spokesman for WWE said they’re reconsidering future ‘Bring Your Own Folding Chair’ Nights.

Actor Eddie Redmayne said his Oscar-nominated lead role as a transgender woman in The Danish Girl is one of his regrets, adding a trans actor should have played the part. But look for The Danish Girl Again, starring Edna Redmayne.

Chrissy Teigen revealed she had an eyebrow hair transplant, saying the hardest part was getting the hairs pulled from her upper lip.

Many families are asking relatives to get COVID-19 tests before Thanksgiving gatherings. Many dysfunctional families are asking relatives get COVID-19 so they can cancel Thanksgiving gatherings.

NASA announced a delay in the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope due to an “incident”. Speculation is swirling that the incident is James getting caught pointing it at a woman’s bedroom window.

Good Morning America host Michael Strahan accepted Jeff Bezos’ invitation to ride on a Blue Origin rocket, just as soon as they finish cleaning the seat up after William Shatner.

The United Nations is warning that Afghanistan’s financial system is on the brink of collapse, with 1 out of every 3 households lacking a single goat to pay for goods and services.

Author Gigi Gatewood said she and her husband always forget their actual wedding anniversary, so they celebrate it on Black Friday. Gatewood makes the day special every year by promising a special Bedroom Doorbuster.

Taylor Swift’s 10-minute ballad ‘All Too Well’ became the longest song to hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. However, Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ still holds the record for #1 song that feels like it lasts 20 minutes.

By |

An American Airlines flight from New York to Los Angeles was diverted when an unruly passenger assaulted a flight attendant. The flight landed in Denver, in a Home Depot parking lot so the crew could buy duct tape.

An inexpensive generic antidepressant, fluvoxamine, may reduce the risk of severe COVID-19 – or at least make patients a bit happier about getting it.

Snoop Dogg and Eminem are no longer feuding. The two fought since Snoop left Eminem off his list of 10 Greatest Rappers. Snoop apologized, saying Eminem belongs on the list, but to make room he must make a difficult phone call to Vanilla Ice.

Researchers remain puzzled by the origin of mummies found in China in the 1990s, all of them buried in boats in the middle of a desert. Although the researchers do agree that the people in the boats got pretty bad directions to the yacht club.

Sitting Bull’s great grandson has been identified using a new DNA technique. He’s been positively identified as Sitting Around Playing Video Games Bull.

A new study finds drinking coffee reduces the risk of developing kidney stones. And that, for people who already have them, it could decrease them from two lumps to one.

A Kentucky high school is under investigation for a pageant where students wear little clothing and give lap dances to teachers and staff. Participants defended the tradition, calling it “Kentucky occupational training”.

Great white sharks vision can’t tell a difference between seals and humans swimming or surfing, according to a new study. Human attacks may be a case of “mistaken identity” with seals, or a case of humans with enough blubber to be seals.

The United Nations released a new video warning of the effects of climate change, starring a talking animatronic dinosaur. Afghanistan’s UN Ambassador walked out on the video because it was an uncovered female dinosaur.

Three elementary schools near Syracuse, New York banned ‘Squid Game‘-themed Halloween costumes, citing the violent nature of the series, and a dozen recess deaths during Red Light/Green Light and Tug-of-War.

By |

Meghan Markle & Prince Harry will appear at Saturday’s Global Citizen festival to defend the planet and defeat poverty. Since they’re showing up, it’s now called the Global Better-Than-You-Normal-Citizens festival.

The United States death toll – 675,000 Americans & counting – from COVID-19 just surpassed the deaths from the 1918 Spanish Flu. “F*ck” .. was the last word of a 105-year-old who retires with a record of 1-1 against the two viruses.

“Actress” Nicole Richie accidentally set her hair on fire while blowing out candles celebrating her 40th birthday. The fire briefly spread to her pants and she admitted she’s 47.

Cassandra Peterson – better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark – says in her new autobiography that she’s been in a same-sex relationship with a woman for 19 years. Though she admits the relationship is open and allows her to bang werewolves during a full moon.

The cinema remake of Broadway hit ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ received mostly negative reviews, many centering on 27-year-old Ben Platt playing the title high-school character. A sequel is planned, ‘Evan Hansen Gets His GED’.

Disney CEO Bob Chiapek praised Disney’s Park Pass Reservation System as the “backbone” of their theme park operation. He then praised overpriced day passes as the “arm and a leg” that sucker families append to that backbone.

Talk show host James Corden faces criticism for his comments regarding Korean boy-band BTS’ appearance at the United Nations, saying it was unusual because their fanbase is mostly 15-year-old girls. U.N. ambassadors from Iraq and Afghanistan said some of their wives are 15-year-old girls.

African airlines are converting passenger jets to cargo carriers because they can make more money. That, and Air Ethiopia is tired of hearing passengers complain that they’re starving.

A magnitude 5.9 earthquake hit Melbourne, Australia, as parents scrambled to retrieve their joeys and put them back in pouches.

The Rolling Stones played their first concert since the death of drummer Charlie Watts, a private concert for New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The Stones hired new drummer Steve Jordan to beat the skins, and Kraft found a new massage therapist to do the same.

By |

A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

By |

Harrison Ford injured his shoulder rehearsing a fight scene for the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. Short Round’s jaw was unhurt.

The new CEO of Southwest Airlines said they’ll continue their policy of no fees for checked bags or ticket changes, saying they have dozens of other ways to piss off passengers.

Original Beach Boys member Mike Love said one of their classic love songs was inspired by a jar of honey in a cabinet. It was Beebara Ann.

MTV is reviving VH1’s ‘Behind The Music’, with episodes devoted to Duran Duran, New Kids On The Block, Ricky Martin, and others. An executive producer for the show said “for the last time, Color Me Badd, NO one cares”.

Britney Spears appeared in court via Zoom, asking a judge to end her conservatorship and allow her to manage her own money, since she’s mentally stable and mature. Spears testified for 20 minutes, the first 15 talking to a toaster oven.

Fast food restaurants are deemphasizing dollar menus, and pushing higher-priced burgers and ‘family meals’. Although so far, demand has been slow for McDonald’s 1000-piece McNuggets box.

The delta variant of COVID-19 has a new mutation called ‘delta plus’. It’s like the standard delta variant, only with more legroom.

Joe Biden nominated Cindy McCain to a United Nations post to combat global hunger. He then nominated Meghan McCain to bring Resting Bitch Face to women in third-world countries.

Google delayed its Chrome browser cookie-blocking privacy plan by 2 years, saying it needs more time to steal the personal information of people born in the next 2 years.

John McAfee, antivirus software mogul, was found dead of an apparent suicide in a Spanish jail before he was extradited to the U.S. to face tax evasion charges. Next to his body were 12 notes reading “WARNING! Your protection has expired!”

By |

Joe Biden issued an Executive Order directing the U.S. Postal Service to use electric vehicles. “Electric vehicles” meaning mail trucks, and robots trained to deliver mail slowly to the wrong house.

Anti-violence groups in Philadelphia held a gun buyback event, where each gun could be exchanged for $100 in grocery store gift cards. In other news, police are seeking an armed robber who stole 100 guns and $10,000 in grocery store gift cards.

United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres urged the forming of a global alliance to end white supremacy & neo-Nazism. The effort would be led by Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell was permanently suspended from Twitter for spreading lies about the presidential election. He took to Parler and Gab to say he won’t end the pillow fight.

A court in India ruled that groping over clothing without skin-on-skin contact is not sexual assault. The ruling was followed by a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Trump hotel and golf complex in India.

Pizza Hut announced the nationwide rollout of a new Detroit-style pizza. They say it’s thick like a Chicago-style pizza, only rectangular, and you don’t have to shoot the driver delivering it.

A judge ordered the surveillance sex video of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft at Orchids of Asia spa be destroyed. The workers can still keep their Super Bowl rings.

Canadian legislators voted unanimously to designate the Proud Boys a white supremacist terrorist group. Or, as they’re known in Canada, the Prood Buys.

Kellyanne Conway is accused of posting a topless image of her 16-year-old daughter on Twitter. “And you suspend ME?” said the My Pillow guy.

Cops in Arizona are looking for prison escapees who used a large air conditioning unit as a battering ram to access a closet for tools used in their escape. Remaining inmates are waiting to beat the sh*t out of them for breaking the air conditioner.

By |

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work studying the very poor. They plan to take the prize money and blow it in Las Vegas.

The United Nations says that the world loses $400 billion in food before it reaches stores. “Good” said children who saw 5% of it is broccoli.

A dating expert advises people who have been ghosted on a dating app to send one final positive message: “I’ve been thinking of you and would still love to meet. Let me know.” And if that doesn’t work: “Let’s have sex.”

Etiquette experts compiled a list of the rudest things you can do on a plane. Topping the list – eating smelly food. Second rudest? Crashing it.

Donald Trump tweeted Happy Birthday to the U.S. Navy, but not to his daughter Tiffany. Trump said it was because the Navy is easier to look at.

Southwest Airlines has ended Senior Fares for passengers 65 and older. No reason was given, but Southwest said they’re still keeping bereavement fares, so, you know, six-in-one..

Doctors are warning women not to put toothpaste in their vaginas to tighten them, even though their boyfriends are having better dental checkups. [story h/t to E.T.]

The last surviving search dog that worked Ground Zero after the 9/11 terror attacks has passed away at age 16. He’ll be given a hero’s burial, then be dug up by a different dog. [Story h/t to J.L.]

An elementary school teacher in Australia who passed out drunk during class is banned from teaching for two years. During the ban, she’ll receive training to learn how to time her benders to coincide with days when the kids watch instructional movies.

A Chinese city is introducing hotel sheets & towels imbedded with microchips, scannable by phone to let guests know when they were last washed. They say it’s far more accurate than the old system of asking the bedbugs.