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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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An 11-foot pet alligator was seized at a home in Hamburg, New York, from a man who claims he had an exotic animal license, but it expired in 2021. The seizure was preceded by the first-ever 911 call the county received from a house cat.

The Los Angeles Dodgers minor league affiliate Rancho Cucamunga Quakes changed their nickname to Chaquetas. Chaqueta translates to ‘jacket’ and is intended to honor mariachi jackets, but is also slang for masturbation. Either way, they think local teen boys will be big Chaqueta fans.

Vladimir Putin was reelected to a six-year term as Russian president in an election criticized as being neither free or fair. Polls opened at 7a.m., and Russian state television projected Putin as the winner at 7:01a.m.

A longevity researcher claims people who eat a cup of beans every day live four years longer – but have difficulty remaining close to people for long periods of time.

Britain’s Princess Kate faces public pressure to speak out, as she’s not addressed the public since her abdominal surgery. Brits are applying even more pressure on Meghan Markle to stay away.

The most comprehensive study yet links ultra-processed foods to damage in all of the human body’s systems. The study cited early-onset dementia in grade school students who only ate Lunchables at recess.

AI-generated on-air talent is reportedly being used to spread misinformation on news broadcasts in Venezuela. Although some viewers could tell they were fake because the woman giving the weather wore loose clothing and had small breasts.

United Airlines CEO is addressing customers following a series of separate incidents, including a wheel falling off, a jet spewing hydraulic fluid, an engine fire, and a jet skidding off the runway. The CEO reassured customers that the in-flight wifi is better than ever.

Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom are launching a sports podcast, ‘Keeping Up With Sports’, to offer their takes on excellence in sports from the male and……………………………………………………………………………………………… female perspectives.

Donald Trump reportedly lacks the cash to secure a $454 million bond to appeal his civil financial fraud judgment in New York. Trump may be forced to liquidate assets and is privately soliciting bids on Trump Tower, Tiffany, Eric, Don Jr and his grandchildren.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit turned around after maggots fell from an overhead bin on to passengers. The maggots were reportedly eating rotting fish, included in their Economy Plus fare.

Billboard compiled their list of the Top 50 Love Songs of All Time, topped by Lionel Richie & Diana Ross’ 1981 duet ‘Endless Love‘. They ranked the songs based on sales and chart ranking, and started by eliminating songs containing ‘ho’ and ‘b*tch’.

The stainless steel bodies of new Tesla Cybertrucks are already rusting. Owners complain the $80,000 trucks are refusing to drive themselves in the rain.

Many purchasers of Apple’s $3,499 Vision Pro virtual reality headset are returning them, complaining of headaches, eye strain, and the virtual sex being not-so-great.

Vladimir Putin mocked Tucker Carlson’s ‘soft’ questions during their two-hour interview. Carlson defended the interview, saying Americans have every right to know Putin’s favorite color is red.

Producers of ‘Young Sheldon’ say the series final season will contain multiple ‘Big Bang Theory’ Easter Eggs – meaning the use of an excessively loud laugh track for the first time.

New data finds the average New York City apartment renter pays over $10,000 in upfrtont costs just to secure an apartment. The total includes a security deposit, first month’s rent, brokers fees, and protection money to the rats.

Usher got married in Las Vegas the day after the Super Bowl to longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea. Usher met Goicoechea after ending his relationship with Gonorrhea.

Sean Evans, host of the popular ‘Hot Ones’ wing-eating podcast, reportedly broke up with porn star girlfriend Melissa Stratton. Evans said he thought he should see other people, and that she should see several other people in an afternoon.

80% of Americans test positive for chlormequat, a pesticide found in Cheerios that can cause delayed puberty. Parents should get their child tested if they’re still eating Cheerios off a high chair tray at age 15.

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A new study finds heated car seats can lower male fertility by killing sperm. Female fertility could also be lowered due to fried eggs.

Eight suspicious U.S. citizens’ deaths in Colombia are linked to dating apps. Police are specifically targeting dating app Plenty Of Drug Mules.

Two UK men used gay dating app Grindr to set up dates with men and rob them – making them literal butt pirates.

Sotheby’s is auctioning a suit worn by Nicole Kidman in her corny 2021 ads urging people to return to the ‘magic’ of AMC Theaters – just as soon as they get the imitation butter-flavored topping stains out of it.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime makeup artist died. He was fondly remembered by most, while other accused him of doing blackface.

Fox Network is bringing back true crime series ‘America’s Most Wanted‘. The first 13 episodes are just trying to round up more January 6th guys.

Paroled mob boss and 19-time murderer Sammy ‘the Bull’ Gravano said Donald Trump is ‘incorruptible’. Russian President and murderer Vladimir Putin said he isn’t so sure.

The wife of Milli Vanilli’s Fabrice Morvan filed for divorce. His lawyer will do the singing for him.

Bobi, who was posthumously named ‘Oldest Dog Ever’ at age 31 by the Guinness Book of Records, had its record rescinded while recordkeepers investigate. Meanwhile, the world’s Second Oldest Dog Ever is currently being told about the great farm he’s going to.

The Miami Dolphins/Kansas City Chiefs NFL playoff game aired exclusively on Peacock was the most-streamed live event in history with 23 million viewers. The next day, Peacock broke a different record with 22 million cancellations.

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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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Hurricane Idalia is expected to make landfall and do considerable damage in Florida. Meanwhile, Hurricane Vidalia is already wreaking havoc on an Outback Steakhouse customer in Florida who ate three Bloomin’ Onions.

Hundreds of flights are cancelled in & out of Florida because of the hurricane. “What hurricane?”” said a Southwest Airlines spokesperson as they cancelled dozens of flights because it’s Tuesday.

3M Corporation agreed to pay $6 billion in damages after the U.S. military said its earplugs caused hearing loss – an unheard-of settlement.

Kouri Richins, a Utah mother accused of murdering her husband then writing a children’s book ‘Are You With Me?‘ about grief & loss, will not face the death penalty. However, prosecutors asked to block publication of her latest children’s book ‘It Sucks In Jail’.

An Australian woman suffering from abdominal pain, diarhhea, night sweats and fever was found to have a worm living in her brain. After being removed, the worm said the sweats and fever were its fault, but blamed the rest on her diet.

A couple held a gender reveal in the middle of an Adele concert during her residency in Las Vegas. “So was it a boy or girl?” asked dozens of fans returning to their seats who skipped it to hit the concession stand for drinks.

A high school football game in suburban Philadelphia was suspended in the third quarter after a student in the crowd was spotted carrying a gun. Police removed the student, and parents praised the cop by firing their guns into the air.

Donald Trump posted on Truth Social that he won the Senior Club Championship at his Bedminster, NJ golf course – edging out ex-wife Ivana, who was six under.

A Univision network news crew in Chicago was robbed while covering the scene of a robbery. Stay tuned for film at 11, captured by the robbers with the camera they stole.

Vladimir Putin is asking aides to prepare for another possible mutiny after the death of Wagner mercenary group leader Yevgeny Prigozhin. So Wagner soldiers are being offered an all-expenses-paid vacation starting with a private flight to Cancun.

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CVS is expanding its announced layoffs. However, investors and doctors are both concerned about the new self-service fill-your-own-prescription kiosks.

Donald Trump was reportedly allowed to ‘pre-report’ his 215-pound weight when surrendering to Georgia officials at the Fulton County Jail. He apparently pre-reported it when he was in eighth grade.

The Kremlin vigorously denied claims that Vladimir Putin was behind the jet crash that killed Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin, saying Putin has no idea how to make a bomb.

The owner of Jimmy John’s is buying Subway – saying they want to offer customers a choice of terrible sandwiches with either more meat at Jimmy John’s, or no meat at Subway.

Blackswan is a four-woman K-pop group with no Korean members. They chose Blackswan after changing their first choice, Kim-chi’li Van=il’li.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram message reading “F*ck with me . I dare you”. Her three ex-husbands said they have, and still wanted out.

Dennis Rodman had his girlfriend’s face tattooed on his buttocks, since he thought it would be nice to sit on her face for a change.

Zillow is offering mortgages to prospective home buyers with just a 1% down payment. They say it’s a good way for people to deal with soaring mortgage rates who want to experience what it’s like to have their house foreclosed & repossessed.

A former McDonald’s chef posted to social media to say 10:30a.m. – the breakfast-to-lunch changeover – is the worst time to eat there, contradicting the widely-held opinion that the worst time to eat at McDonald’s is “anytime”.

The U.S. may revise its recommended alcohol-consumption guidelines to just two beers per week. “Okay” said men sipping a 72-ounce beer.

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The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a man who went overboard after leaving a bar on a Carnival Cruise ship bound for Mexico, upping their rescue record for overboard drunks to 1-for-10,000.

A water main break at Bridgestone Arena in Nashville forced the postponement of the NHL Nashville Predators/Colorado Avalanche game, since neither team agreed to play floor hockey instead of ice hockey.

Former German Prime Minister Angela Merkel said at the end of her term there was nothing she could do to influence the behavior of Russian President Vladimir Putin – since she was 67 and not that hot anymore.

Elon Musk will reintroduce verification to Twitter, with blue checks for individuals, grey for corporate accounts and gold for government. All will be manually verified, so Musk is considering black checks indicating who’s dead by the time they finish.

Kanye West is running for President in 2024. Nobody thinks he’ll win, but everyone is dying to watch him debate.

Researchers from Australia National University claim to have found ‘the world’s oldest meal’ in 550-million-year-old fossils unearthed in Russia. It’s a Swanson Hungry Cro-Magnon Man Salisbury Steak Look-At-Cave-Wall dinner.

Jennifer Lopez announced a new project ‘This Is Me..Now’ which “chronicles the emotional, spiritual and psychological journey that she has taken over the past two decades.” Male fans asked “that’s all great but how’s your ass holding up?”

Fashion house Balenciaga apologized for photos featuring small children holding bags depicting teddy bears wearing bondage gear. Critics said if little kids wanted to hang around bears in bondage gear, they could go to their hairy gay grandfather’s house.

Fired University of Tennessee football coach Jeremy Pruitt admitted to giving a player’s mother $300 in a Chick-fil-A bag to help her with personal expenses, in violation of NCAA rules. The mother turned him in because there wasn’t any food in it.

A 48,500-year-old virus has been revived from permafrost in Siberia, and has already replicated itself in a lab. It was discovered next to the frozen body of a Siberian guy with herpes.

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Hilaria Baldwin said she’s dealing with “mama guilt” after she and husband Alec welcomed a 7th child together, concerned about spending enough time with each of them. Alec is dealing with “papa guilt” – a potential involuntary manslaughter conviction.

Megan Thee Stallion created a website that lists mental health resources for her fans. Although she points out it’s not for people crazy about big tits and asses.

Hurricane Ian struck Cuba and is making its way toward the Gulf Coast. The bad news is potential destruction; the good news is the fast currents will deliver rafts of illegal immigrants to Florida shores several hours early.

Black actress KiKi Layne said she and fellow person-of-color actor Ari’el Stachel had significant roles in the new film Don’t Worry Darling, but much of their work was cut. Director Olivia Wilde said she saved the footage for a possible sequel, Don’t Worry Shawty.

The cousin of one of Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims is angry at the Netflix dramatization of Dahmer’s killings, saying it’s dredged up painful memories, or ‘cannibal reflux’.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney signed an executive order banning guns in Philly recreation spaces. Players will have to figure out a new way to punish the losing team in pickup basketball games.

800 competitors entered Florida’s Python Hunt – a months-long effort to rid the Everglades of invasive Burmese pythons. No word on how it’s going, other than the competitors list is down to 792 since the pythons won some battles.

Dr. Umberto Tozzi, a cosmetic surgeon specializing in vaginal reconstruction, or labiaplasty, explained to NeedToKnow Online why he’s performed over 300 of the surgeries – his 50% off coupons.

Families of children are warring with Pickleball players who set up DIY courts in New York City playgrounds, interfering with their kids space and playtime. Pickleballers are fighting back to regain their turf by joining the PickleCrips.

Newly-activated Russian soldiers from Vladimir Putin’s draft are immediately surrendering to their Ukrainian counterparts after deployment. It’s so bad, Emmanuel Macron issued a statement denying that France is training the Russian army.