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Two of trainer Bob Baffert’s horses tested positive for banned substances, including Kentucky Derby favorite Charlatan. Charlatan and the other horse checked themselves into a rehab pasture.

Off-price retailer Tuesday Morning is closing 230 stores and declaring bankruptcy. A judge scheduled a hearing for Tuesday morning, but executives said they’re busy then.

Nevada casinos are set to reopen at partial capacity on June 4th. They’ll feature new touchless slot machines, where you hold your credit card next to it and it just tells you how much money you lost.

New streaming service HBO Max launched. It’s expected to compete with Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, YouTube Premium & others for people who look at the menu for 20 minutes and decide there’s nothing to watch.

The Federal Reserve reports massive unemployment during the pandemic is compounded by people who don’t want to return to their old jobs. They didn’t specify which jobs, only that it rhymed with ‘Glamazon Scaremouse’.

Tom Brady is selling his customized Cadillac Escalade for $300,000, just as soon as he removes the video of other NFL team practices from the DVD player.

Whisper, a 20-year-old beluga whale, gave birth to a calf at the Georgia Aquarium. Per Georgia tradition, the father is expected to return for a shotgun whale wedding.

A rare bottle of cognac sold for $146,000 at auction, thus increasing the budget for a hip-hop artist’s new video by $146,000.

Joe Biden says he hopes to announce his running mate by August 1st – so, in about two weeks.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, responding to Twitter fact-checking Donald Trump, said he doesn’t believe social media should be the ‘arbiter of truth’ – especially when there’s so much money to made peddling bullshit.

 

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Pokemon Go will get ‘reality blending’ updates in June, where Pokemon can hide behind real life objects, and mug you to free the other Pokemon you’ve already captured.

Hertz Rental Car filed for bankruptcy. They blame low usage during the pandemic, and the inability to charge $6 for a gallon of gas.

A researcher in Japan created a lickable surface that can recreate almost any flavor without eating the associated food. It’s thought to be a game-changing breakthrough for both weight loss and oral sex.

NASA is scheduled to launch two American astronauts into space in a Tesla Falcon 9 rocket on Wednesday. They’re expected to arrive at the International Space Station after they circle the Earth a couple of times on the way looking for a recharging station.

Twitter labeled two of Donald Trump’s tweets “Potentially Misleading” in accordance with their new fact-checking policy. Twitter may skip reviewing individual tweets and just label Trump’s account “Totally Misleading”.

Chrissy Teigen told her 29 million Instagram followers that she’s getting her breast implants removed. She received over a million comments from creeps asking if they could have them.

Dairy Queen unveiled a vegan Dilly Bar — it’s non-dairy chocolate covering three brussels sprouts on a stick.

Ford created software for police cars that heat the interior to 133 degrees for 15 minutes to kill disease-causing germs. Cops can hit the switch, go sit in Dunkin Donuts for a while, then return to a disinfected car and a more cooperative perp in the backseat.

A judge refused to immediately accept Lori Loughlin’s guilty plea and prison term in the college admissions scandal, choosing instead to render his decision at a Very Special Sentencing Episode on August 21st.

City of Philadelphia officials are moving 50 to 100 homeless people from an unused baggage claim area at Philadelphia International Airport during the pandemic. The people will be bused to various locations, but somehow their bags ended up in Miami.

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Finland will eliminate separate subjects in public schools. Finnish students will now be able to tell their parents “I’m failing everything”. [Story h/t to K.N.S.]

A viral photo shows a priest baptizing a baby with holy water shot from a squirt gun. The baby is welcome to return in 10 years when the priest will shoot him in the face again.

The manhunt continues for a University of Connecticut student wanted for multiple murders. They’re hoping he’ll surrender and transfer from UConn to UConvict.

Three young Bolivian brothers, ages 12, 10 & 8 – were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them, thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man. “You dopes, the spider has to be radioactive” said Brazil’s best doctor.

Florida theme parks will soon reopen, requiring visitors wear masks and disclaiming they can’t guarantee they won’t be exposed to coronavirus – unless they want to, in which case they can go to new attraction ‘Scrooge McDuck On A Ventilator’.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich –  one made with actual chickens.

A male beard model shaved for the first time in 10 years, letting his wife of 7 years see his bare face for the first time. “How fast does it grow back?” she asked.

Stanley Ho, a Macau casino tycoon considered ‘the father of Chinese gambling’, died at age 98. He would have lasted longer, but too many people bet he’d make it to 100.

Uber Eats is launching “family style meals” so everyone in the house can screw the delivery driver out of a tip.

Disney+ premiered ‘Out’ – Pixar’s first short film featuring a gay leading character. It has for years featured gay supporting characters like Rex and Slinky Dog from Toy Story.

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The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden. 

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Donald Trump explained his opposition to mail-in voting, saying “voting is an honor”. He added “there’s only one thing more important than honor…in ‘er.” [ED NOTE: This is an old street joke that I first saw when it was told in an interview by actor John Wayne.]

Lori Loughlin will plead guilty to fraud in the College Admissions Scandal. “Have mercy!” said her mullet-haired lawyer.

Johns Hopkins University researchers say the coronavirus has infected its 5 Millionth person, although they are baffled as to who should get the balloons and confetti.

Three people were shot near a reopened shopping & entertainment district in a suburb of Phoenix. Residents expressed relief that things are getting back to normal.

The Masked Singer crowned its new champion, Kandi Burruss – who said she’ll probably put her costume back on so people would know who the hell she is.

Todd Tilghman won The Voice. “Who’s Todd Tilghman?” asked Kandi Burruss.

Sylvester Stallone is hosting a ‘Rocky’ watch party on Facebook. The party will last four hours – 90 minutes for the movie, and 2 1/2 hours so a translator can decipher what Stallone is mumbling.

Experts say public swimming pools may be closed in areas with large numbers of COVID-19 cases. It’s either that, or kids drown when they struggle to breathe through a wet facemask.

An unnamed NFL player from New Jersey claims a female passenger on a United Airlines flight sexually assaulted him, repeatedly groping his thighs and crotch. The woman was moved to a different seat, where other male passengers fought to sit next to her.

A 43-year-old male nurse in San Francisco showed in before & after pics how a six-week battle with COVID-19 caused him to lose 50 pounds. After seeing the photos, Weight Watchers told its members coronavirus counts as zero points.

 

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The University of Kentucky fired its cheerleading coaches after finding the squad engaged in hazing, excessive drinking and partial nudity at cheer events. The University President said “we’ve got to be. aggressive. be, be aggressive.”

Police arrested a GrubHub driver for running over the owner of a restaurant who demanded that he socially distance. The driver contends he was just trying to knock the victim six feet away.

A Los Angeles company is selling women’s underwear with names like ‘Cuomo’ & ‘Fauci’ printed near the crotch. “Well, I’m out” said potential sex partners of women wearing the underwear.

Usain Bolt’s girlfriend, Kasi Bennett, gave birth to their daughter, who posted a disappointingly slow time sprinting out of the birth canal.

Massage parlors in Pinellas County, Florida are allowed to reopen. The milestone was celebrated with a flyover – and landing – from the New England Patriots team jet.

Tattoo parlors in Pinellas County were also allowed to reopen. Florida men & women waited in long lines to get face tattoos of masks.

European budget airline Ryanair has new rules for passengers during the pandemic, including raising your hand to go to the bathroom. In the U.S., Spirit Airlines also asks passengers to raise their hand, so the flight attendant can collect your “bathroom bag”.

The U.S. Treasury Department is sending out 4 million prepaid debit cards to Americans instead of stimulus checks, with a small number of Limited Edition Platinum cards for registered Republicans not on welfare.

Instagram is introducing “Guides” – a way for publishers to post longer form wellness tips. So far, however, most of the Guides are breathing exercises while you stare at women with large breasts and buttocks.

Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, ‘Very Cavallari’ is being cancelled due to her pending divorce. It’s being replaced with a show about a hot female Instagram model who runs errands for her ex-husband, ‘Cutler Butler’.

 

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Pew Research claims millennials may have difficulty buying a home, because wealthy baby boomers are divorcing and taking the inventory. Or, millennials can decide to hook up with a divorced 60-year-old.

Kim Chavez, owner of Wyoming strip club The Den, spoke to USA Today about the pandemic: “We knew that once our doors closed, we were screwed until we could reopen.” Now they’ve reopened, dancers wear masks, and are screwed in the Champagne Room.

Anosmia, or losing your sense of smell and taste, has been added to the official list of coronavirus symptoms in the United Kingdom. “Great!” said the U.K. general manager of KFC restaurants.

As quarantine restrictions continue, more Americans are using their cars as office space. Some have even hired consultants who have extensive experience working in cars: prostitutes.

FC Seoul, a soccer team in South Korea, apologized after the team used rubber sex dolls to fill the stands, holding up signs for the company that makes them. FC Seoul players were even more disappointed, thinking they finally had groupies.

Grubhub users discovered that Pasqually’s Pizza & Wings is really food made at Chuck E. Cheese locations. They figured it out when the food was delivered by a giant rat who insisted on doing song & dance routines.

Apple Stores are planning to slowly reopen. They’ve slowly downloaded the reopening plan and are just waiting for it to slowly install before restarting.

An Ocean City, Maryland restaurant, Fish Tales, is enforcing social distancing by making patrons eat & drink while standing inside of giant inner tubes on wheels. The good news is blackout drunks’ heads just bounce off it.

John Krasinski’s quarantine hit YouTube series ‘Some Good News’ went on hiatus after its 8th episode. Its rumored replacement is ‘Some Terrible News’ which is Jared Kushner talking to a smartphone camera about his day.

The U.S. reportedly needs up to 180,000 ‘contact tracers’ to gauge exposure from those with COVID-19. They seek tech-savvy people with success investigating others’ location using the phone and social media .. so, dumped boyfriends & girlfriends.

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Russian long-jump silver medalist Darya Klishina revealed she was offered $300,000 a month to become an escort. Klishina declined the offer, and the guy said he’d try his luck with the pole vaulters.

Classic video game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater will be rereleased and feature the skate pros at their current ages. The boards will have walkers on the front of them.

At age 13, Isabella Rose Taylor became the youngest fashion designer to have a clothing line at Nordstrom. She’s so young, any guy caught removing one of her dresses from a date faced felony charges.

Ikea released designs for making forts out of their furniture and accessories, leading to dozens of parents suing Ikea after the forts fell on their kids.

Actress and married mom Megan Fox was spotted riding in a car with rapper Machine Gun Kelly, leading to speculation she may be leaving her husband, Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Pea Shooter Green.

A man drove 600 miles from Olympia, Washington to Sacramento, California to get a haircut. By the time he arrived home, he was back on the road for a trim.

Justin Bieber said he wishes he “saved himself” for his wife, Hailey Bieber – but admits that he “spent himself” a thousand or so times.

Buffalo Bills draft pick A.J. Epenesa, a defensive lineman out of Iowa, said that “Buffalo is a lot like Iowa”…insulting both Buffalo, and Iowa.

The NFL is considering awarding improved draft position to teams that hire minority coaching candidates. All 32 teams responded by promoting black athletes to Player/Coach.

PGA superstar Rory McIlroy said that he won’t play golf with Donald Trump again. Trump immediately replied that McIlroy is just angry because he lost.

 

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The Wall Street Journal reports that New York sent recovering COVID-19 patients to nursing homes, sickening elderly residents and angering others that newbies were winning the weekly bingo games.

An Australian woman shared her cleaning hack, placing a dishwasher detergent tablet in a sponge to clean her glass shower door. The door is spotless, but she suffered lacerations after tripping on a pile of plates she took into the shower with her.

Good Housekeeping issued their list of the 8 Top Outdoor Security Cameras, which they tested by gauging how effective they were catching the neighbor’s dog taking a dump in your yard.

McDonald’s released their plans for reopening restaurants. To limit the spread of virus, teenagers will be encouraged to throw their plastic trays in the garbage.

McDonald’s will also offer new COVID-19 Happy Meals – the toy is a face mask or a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Browser extension Scener lets you create watch parties so you can stream Netflix or HBO Go content alongside a Zoom-type videoconference meeting. It’s for people living in isolation who don’t have a spouse or partner to yell “shut up” at while they watch tv.

Iggy Azalea returned to Instagram, as the platform detected a steep rise in unintelligible gibberish.

Walmart just launched a new line of backpacking gear – after noticing how many homeless people don’t have backpacks.

Chick-fil-A is now the second-highest-grossing restaurant chain in the U.S., trailing only McDonald’s. They’re so flush with cash, executives are considering a huge offer to land free agent mascot, Grimace.

Cuba Gooding Jr serenaded Los Angeles nurses to thank them for their work during the COVID-19 pandemic, leaving some nurses wondering who he was, and others wondering why they couldn’t get someone more famous to sing for them.

 

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The U.S. Senate is considering expanding the Patriot Act to allow the FBI to view citizens web browsing history & search terms without a warrant. Civil liberties advocates oppose it, but the FBI said they’ve hit a dead-end tracking the ‘Busty Mature Latinas’ Killer.

A business analytics company forecasts Jeff Bezos will become the world’s first trillionaire by 2026. This upset many Americans, but most of them are more upset their Amazon Prime shipments are taking 7 days to get there.

Mary-Kate Olsen is getting divorced from French banker Pierre Olivier Sarkozy. He’s given her until May 18 to vacate their home, making it a Half-Full House.

Golden Corral shared reopening plans, where servers will bring buffet food to tables, and use special harnesses to lift children without touching them so they can shove their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Freelance platforms like Fiverr and Upwork say the most in-demand “side hustles” you can do from home include website design, app testing & blog writing. If you’re willing to go outside the home, they recommend “the world’s oldest side hustle”.

For its reopening, Disney World will check guests temperature prior to entry. They’ll use special thermometers to tell the difference between a real fever, and people angry at how much they just paid to get into Disney World.

A viral video shows a fight as a woman was kicked out of Red Lobster on Mother’s Day after demanding a refund because her order took 3 hours. Red Lobster’s spokesperson said they were glad no one was injured by the fight, or by the Shrimp Alfredo.

Researchers state low Vitamin D levels are correlated with severity of COVID-19 illness and death. They say prevention plans should include drinking milk in direct sunlight.

The same researchers are warning that women should use caution around dude-bros who offer to up their levels of “Vitamin D”.

A woman traveling by foot throughout India gave birth, then walked 99 miles with her newborn. She named the baby ‘Heavy’.