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A truck scattering salt on a path at a Chicago park slid backward into Lake Michigan, which will now be named the Not-So-Great Salt Lake.

“Disney Plus” was Google’s top trending search term in 2019. Second place was a ten-thousand-way tie between “[Name of Celebrity] Naked”.

University of Phoenix agreed to cancel $141 million in student debt over deceptive advertising. “That’s great!” said Summa Cum Laude fast-food drive-thru workers.

May 21, 2021 is being dubbed “Keanu Reeves Day”, with both ‘Matrix 4’ and ‘John Wick:Chapter 4’ debuting in theatres.  May 18, 2021 is being called ‘Rob Schneider Day’ with ‘Deuce Bigalow 3’ debuting on home video in Eastern Europe.

Dan Spilo, a ‘castaway’/contestant on CBS’ ‘Survivor’, was removed from the show in Fiji for alleged off-camera incidents of “inappropriate touching”. Spilo would not comment, nor would the monkeys who lodged the complaint.

President Trump called Time Magazine’s naming of climate activist Greta Thunberg ‘Person of the Year’ “ridiculous”, saying she should “chill”. Four White House aides then fought over who should get credit for coming up with that pun.

A hacker accessed a Ring security camera that a family placed in their 8-year-old’s bedroom and harassed her via the camera’s speaker. The family was horrified, but admit the hacker did get her to clean her room.

A Lenexa, Kansas woman used christmas lights to create a giant illuminated penis on her home’s roof, before neighbors asked her to shut it off. She complied, but may turn it back on Christmas Eve, at the request of Gay Santa.

Google Assistant launched Interpreter Mode, where two users can chat on Google even if they speak different languages. It’s considered a major breakthrough for International Sexting.

A Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles office made a 78-year-old woman walk without a cane before renewing her license, causing her to fall and break her wrist. Then they wouldn’t renew her license because she couldn’t sign her name.

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A Mount Laurel, NJ man caught on video directing racial slurs at his neighbors was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Thousands of other New Jersey residents not recorded on video doing the same thing remain at large.

Mail order dental business Smile Direct Club is shutting down. Customers who haven’t finished straightening their teeth will be offered other do-it-yourself options from Home Depot.

Baseball star Shohei Ohtani is signing a record $700 million, 10-year deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to the $70 million per year, Ohtani will also receive Taylor Swift’s phone number.

A Pakistani woman escaped an arranged marriage to her cousin by joining the U.S Air Force. She’s now stationed at an Air Force base in Mississippi, where dozens of locals tell her marrying their cousin isn’t so bad.

A new study finds owning a cat could double the risk of developing schizophrenia. The cat is fine with it so long as it gets fed.

Lindsay & Cade Brown are stepsiblings with a growing TikTok following, who share videos about how they got married and started a family. They’re also set to star in Pornhub’s first-ever sitcom.

Ana Akiva. a former pastor in Brazil, joined OnlyFans. She doesn’t see why Catholic priests should be the only ones who get to show their naked body to teenage boys.

A vampire-slaying kit once owned by a British aristocrat sold at auction for nearly $16,000. The buyer said he didn’t want to spend the money, but four different exterminators turned him down.

University of Pennsylvania President Liz McGill resigned after being criticized for not taking a more forceful stance against antisemitism. McGill also cancelled her Hanukkah party due to projected low turnout.

Cardi B. confirmed she and her husband are calling it Offset. While they’ll no longer be husband & wife, he hopes they can still be a-Migos.

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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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Restaurant chain Founding Farmers is being dragged for adding a 5% “wellness charge” to customer bills to subsidize employees paid vacation & health care. Meanwhile Waffle House quietly added a 5% “illness charge” to pay for customer trips to the emergency room.

A rabid raccoon attacked a student on the Princeton University campus. The raccoon remains at large, but is expected to show up for finals if it wants to keep its scholarship.

A woman who appears to be pregnant has been spotted on several doorbell cameras stealing packages in the Philadelphia suburbs. That, or she stole a basketball and forgot to put it in her trunk.

McDonald’s announced plans to open 10,000 new restaurants. Although bulls say they’re going to have a hard time making enough new cows.

Diabetes & weight-loss drunk Ozempic could be used to treat alcohol abuse. Doctors are hoping they have a new weapon to treat two-thirds of fat, drunk & stupid.

A new study links wasabi to ‘substantial’ boosts in memory – and to the introduction of new Flamin’ Hot Prevagen.

A woman who threw a hot burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle worker was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 60 days working a fast food job. Ironically, her job in jail pays better.

The final Republican Presidential Debate was held last night, with most observers saying Nikki Haley finished first – and Chris Christie last – in the all-important Swimsuit Competition.

Ken Hudson Campbell – who portrayed a local Santa in the original ‘Home Alone‘ – is the beneficiary of a GoFundMe to pay for his cancer surgery. He’s also kind of pissed that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest only gives money to children’s charities.

Daddy Yankee, rapper and King Of Reggaeton, announced he’s retiring from music to devote his life to Christ, and attend churchaton.

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Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears had his leg amputated – settling half of his lawyer’s fees for keeping Britney’s conservatorship going all those years.

Video game Grand Theft Auto 6 will feature the franchise’s first female protagonist, Lucia. Instead of punching Vice City prostitutes and stealing their money, Lucia tells them they’re fierce and agrees that sex work is real work.

Taylor Swift is Time magazine’s 2023 Person Of The Year.  They promised Beyonce 2024 because the staff wants to live to see 2025.

Gen Z women posting to social media are embracing the trend of ‘Golden Retriever boyfriends’ – loyal, courteous men who make loving companions, but who also can’t help occasionally humping their leg when they’re excited. 

A recent survey finds over one-third of couples undergo “sleep divorce” – sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring, tv watching, or the bed not having enough room for a third person.

Barbie was named to Forbes magazine’s list of the World’s Most Powerful Women – the first woman to make the list who can’t talk or dress herself.

Norman Lear passed away at age 101. Lear’s pioneering sitcoms like ‘All In The Family’, and ‘Sanford & Son‘ elevated the discussion of race relations in America, and paved the way for other producers to create thousands of hours of network TV dogshit.

Dr. Amy Cohen of Narberth, PA was arrested and charged with attempted murder after setting fire to the home of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s grandmother. It’s now even more difficult to schedule an appointment with her.

Former Congressman George Santos quadrupled his fee for personalized videos on Cameo to $350 following his expulsion. But he’s been ordered to give refunds to people who saw his listing offering videos from Boy George.

Cardi B posted an early New Year’s resolution, saying she plans to drop all “dead weight” in her life. So she unfollowed her husband Offset on Instagram, and made an appointment to have silicone siphoned from her buttocks.

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A kangaroo that escaped while being transferred between zoos was captured in Canada, but punched a cop in the face while being apprehended. He was later hailed as a hero by other wrongly jailed kangaroos.

Godzilla Minus One, a Japanese-language monster movie, opened strongly at the U.S. box office. A sequel is reportedly in the works, Godzilla Plus One, where Godzilla brings a date to a family wedding.

Comic Relief US held their inaugural gala in New York City with a focus on reducing intergenerational poverty. Famous comics performed, then gave the money to broke comics that nobody’s heard of.

A New York Times investigation reported some air traffic controllers are drunk and sleeping on the job. This concerned Spirit Airlines pilots, who say they rely on sober guidance when landing their aircraft after five gin & tonics and a nap.

Missouri police pursued a suspected drunk driver while he towed a mobile home. He was apprehended after the pursuit, and was the state’s first DUI perpetrator to fail a field sobriety test in his bedroom.

A tanker carrying propane exploded in Vermont. Several alarms were issued, with multiple fire departments responding to create a pop-up chicken barbecue.

Victor Rocha, a career diplomat and former U.S. Ambassador to Bolivia, was arrested by the FBI and charged with serving as a spy for Cuba for decades. He was jailed and given a framed certificate for 40 years of government service.

Brenda Lee’s Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, recorded in 1958, became the oldest song to hit Number One on the Billboard Hot 100. Her success was noticed by Cardi B., who offered to duet with the 78-year-old Lee on her follow-up single, DAP.

Oxford University Press named ‘rizz’ its 2023 Word Of The Year. Rizz is short for charisma, can be used as either a noun or verb, and is destined to piss off someone who loses in Scrabble because of it.

Gino Hangenkotter remains on the run, the fourth escapee from a Philadelphia prison this year. The reward for information leading to his capture was increased to $2,000, and the reward for guards at the prison was increased to $13.75/hour.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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McDonald’s is making process changes to ensure its burgers are more juicy. Fewer burger patties will be cooked at once, and kitchen workers will each get water bottles to make sure they have plenty of spit.

Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman on the Supreme Court, has died. Donald Trump swiftly nominated a conservative woman to take her spot in the nursing home.

Theresa Nist, the now-fiancee of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, was seen returning items to a HomeGoods store in her home state of New Jersey. “I don’t think you bought this here” said the clerk as Nist slid an unopened vibrator across the counter.

A blind golden mole that burrows through sand and was declared extinct over 87 years ago has been rediscovered in South Africa. Wildlife experts are amazed the blind mole was able to find sex on the beach.

A missing Botticelli painting valued at $109 million was found at a home in southern Italy. It was recovered when the owner tried selling it to buy plastic covers for her new furniture.

Tesla delivered its first Cybertruck off the assembly line, four years after it was announced. It has a starting price of $60,990, or $61,500 if you want electric Cybertrucknutz.

Democrats in Congress are pushing for a federal holiday honoring Rosa Parks on the anniversary of her arrest – while Republicans are pushing it to the back of the agenda.

A California father was arrested for allegedly helping his 16-year-old daughter sell her nude photos online. He’s being held on $4 million bail, and until further notice, their Etsy store is closed.

A 46-year-old male hospital security guard accused of sexually violating a 79-year-old female corpse claims he had a medical episode and fell on the body…and that the family requested she be buried in black lingerie.

Jung Yoo-jung, a 23-year-old Korean woman, was sentenced to life in prison for murdering and dismembering a female tutor she met online because she was obsessed with ‘true crime’ and murder. Before sentencing Jung was notified that she aced her English test.

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For the first time ever, a Lifetime Christmas movie – ‘A Cowboy Christmas Romance‘ – features a sex scene. Copyright issues forced producers to switch out the film’s original title: ‘Brokeback Santa’s Workshop’.

Pope Francis canceled a planned trip to Dubai to attend a climate change conference because he’s still recovering from the flu – and not at all because his travel partner told him at the last minute that homosexuality is illegal in the United Arab Emirates.

A Virgin Atlantic Boeing 787 became the first jet to cross the Atlantic Ocean using sustainable, non-fossil fuel. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines Boeing 727 manufactured in 1963 became the first jet to barely make it from Chicago to Los Angeles on a quarter-tank of gas.

Kraft introduced vegan Mac & Cheese – just when you thought toddlers couldn’t possibly be even pickier douchebags.

Red Lobster said they recorded an $11 million quarterly loss on their Endless Shrimp promotion. Although final numbers aren’t yet available because a few hundred families that started over the summer are still going.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner’s alleged ex-girlfriend said he lied to ABC producers about their 3-year relationship after his wife died, and that he refused to take her to his high-school reunion because she gained weight. He ended their relationship by refusing to give her a rose. Or a text back. Or orgasms.

UK’s Metro Bank announced it was cutting 20% of its workers just weeks before Christmas. Metro Bank’s Board of Directors and CEO were then informed they’d each be visited by Three Spirits on Christmas Eve.

Trolls are accusing Beyonce of whitening her skin. Trolls are leaving Taylor Swift alone, because she couldn’t get any whiter if she tried.

Barry Manilow performed at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, and was criticized for his appearance by viewers who said he used too much Botox. Manilow clapped back, singing he can’t smile without it.

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Bradley Cooper attended his 30th high school reunion in suburban Philadelphia – but was still unable to convince anyone there to watch Maestro.

Amazon reported record-breaking orders over the Black Friday holiday weekend, with workers filling over 400 million bottles of urine.

Tiger Woods announced he’ll return to play at the Hero World Challenge in the Bahamas. Tiger said his putting and iron shots are good, but that his driving still occasionally puts him in a ditch with a shattered ankle.

The NHL Chicago Blackhawks terminated the contract of forward Corey Perry, and attempted to squash rumors that he’d had sex with the mother of 18-year-old teammate Conor Bedard. For the record, Bedard’s mom said she’s only interested in Chicago Bulls.

After working Thanksgiving and Sunday games, CBS Sports will give Tony Romo & Jim Nantz a break in NFL Week 13. NBC Sports announced that, despite an online petition with 75 million signatures, Cris Collinsworth will still call the Sunday night game.

Melania Trump attended Rosalynn Carter’s funeral, and was the only former White House resident in attendance not wearing black. She explained her husband told her she was attending a runway show during Plains, Georgia Fall Fashion Week.

Kansas announced a redesign of their 2024 license plate after complaints from residents who say the word KANSAS is too big and makes them vulnerable to insults from other motorists.

High winds toppled the National Christmas Tree at the White House – continuing the trend of the last two Presidents who also couldn’t stay erect.

Kylie Jenner flew to London to attend boyfriend Timothee Chalamet’s ‘Wonka‘ movie premiere – where she joined Chalamet at the after-party while he affectionately caressed her WonkaDonk.

An underaged girl – alleged to have had an inappropriate relationship with Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey – and her family are not cooperating with the NBA’s investigation. The family is requesting privacy while the girl waits in line to see Santa.