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79-year-old Joe Biden told 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over, referring to COVID-19 and his childhood battle with the black plague.

A Utah polygamist sect is accused of unpaid labor, sex abuse, human trafficking and not letting anyone drink caffeinated coffee.

Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest after a brief 14-hour funeral ceremony.

Nissan recalled 200,000 pickup trucks because of a rollaway risk while in ‘Park’ – delighting owners who now have a great excuse for not helping their friends move.

Donald Trump said that the FBI agents who “ransacked” his Mar-a-Lago home didn’t even remove their shoes before searching his bedroom – unlike the Secret Service agents who enter the bedroom to ‘protect’ Melania.

Queen Elizabeth’s scone recipe is going viral following her death, and following the choking deaths of dozens of people eating them.

Two tickets to Michael Jordan’s first Chicago Bulls NBA game in 1984 are expected to sell at auction for over $300,000. Or, with Ticketmaster fees, about $600,000.

Brett Favre is implicated in a scheme to use Mississippi state welfare funds to build a new volleyball stadium at his daughter’s college. He faces home imprisonment where he’ll be monitored via Copper Fit ankle bracelet.

Denver’s airport has the world’s largest animal therapy program, with dozens of dogs walking throughout the airport where anxious travelers can pet them. Philadelphia’s airport has the largest animal employment program, where gorillas take their time handling checked bags.

An Arizona milkshake shop broke a world record by creating 266 different flavors in over an hour. They were then given a terrible Yelp review by a 75-year-old customer waiting an hour to get the vanilla shake they ordered.

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Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

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Russia is “almost certainly” getting weapons from North Korea in support of their invasion of Ukraine. This, according to Ukrainian soldiers who’ve found discarded Russian guns with the price tags still on them from Un’s Sporting Goods.

The NBA suspended Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver for one year and fined him $10 million for workplace misconduct – including using the N-word and making sex jokes. He’ll be required to attend sensitivity training where NBA players teach him to use proper language and respect women.

New York Fashion Week featured runway shows with models and pets wearing matching outfits. Although to prevent fights the shows required both a catwalk and a dogwalk.

Queen Elizabeth’s body arrived at Buckingham Palace to lie in state. She’s been dead for almost a week, so Procter & Gamble will mark the occasion by spraying the area with new Royal Family Febreze.

Actor Ryan Reynolds broadcast his colonoscopy – marking the first time someone’s been further up his ass than Ryan Reynolds himself.

New York Jets Head Coach Robert Saleh said he’s ‘keeping receipts’ of everyone trashing the team after their season-opening loss at home to the Baltimore Ravens. The Jets announced several new hires on their accounting staff to help keep track of thousands of receipts.

A new study finds that one-hour nature walks reduce stress compared to one-hour walks in busy cities. The study results were delayed because city walkers in Chicago & Philadelphia couldn’t complete the full hour without getting shot.

A 19-year-old North Carolina man was arrested for drunk driving after an 18-year-old woman fell out of the golf cart he was operating and died. He was charged with DUI, vehicular manslaughter, and holding up several foursomes behind him.

Wheelchair bound residents at a home for military veterans in Taiwan were given a performance by a stripper, who gave several of them lap dances and gonorrhea.

An exploding package that injured a Northeastern University worker contained a note criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Police are looking for a Facebook user whose People You May Know includes Ted ‘Unabomber’ Kaczynski.

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A new study finds extreme temperatures fuel online hate speech, in a phenomenon scientists call Hot Racist Girl Summer.

Middle school boys in Rhode Island created a ‘pedo database’ of their male teacher’s interactions with girls, including calling them ‘sweetheart’ and making them dance for him. The teacher is currently suspended, and girls angrily wait to see which of them won the dance-off.

Alabama may use nitrogen hypoxia – a form of asphyxiation – for executions in death sentences. Right now the only holdup is finding an Alabama judge to issue the death warrant who can spell ‘hypoxia’.

A Canadian family is taking a world tour with their four children before they lose their vision to retinitis pigmentosa. They’ll still take vacations years from now, which they call sight-notseeing tours.

A 22-year-old man was arrested for heckling Prince Andrew during the procession of Queen Elizabeth’s coffin in Scotland. The man thought Prince Andrew would prefer chasing after the box of a much younger woman.

The Department of Justice seized the cell phones of Donald Trump associates implicated in the January 6th riots and efforts to overturn the 2020 election. The men who lost the phones asked for the appointment of a Special Master to delete all of the dick pics.

An Australian man was killed by a kangaroo – the first documented kangaroo fatality since 1936. Investigators say the kangaroo was a licensed gun owner.

Senator Lindsey Graham plans to introduce legislation for a nationwide abortion ban, saying pregnant women have never really been his thing, anyway.

Ray J said Kris Jenner is lying, and that she watched the sex tapes he made with Kim Kardashian. Not only that, but Kris can be heard yelling ‘Action’ and ‘Cut’ on them.

A family in suburban Philadelphia claims their mailbox has been blown up three times in eight days. They plan to stop ordering vegan meal kits from Hello Fresh.

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A bear crashed a two-year-old’s birthday party in Hartford, Connecticut and ate all of the cupcakes. Nobody was injured, and the bear booked appearances at three other upcoming birthday parties.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is out for ‘several weeks’ after suffering a thumb injury in the Cowboys’ season-opening 19-3 loss to Tampa Bay. Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy’s thumb is okay despite being stuck in his ass.

Credit card companies will create a new merchant category for gun dealers, which they say may help identify suspicious firearms purchases. However, critics say it won’t identify bulk sales of AR-15s at Ollie’s Bargain Outlet and Big Lots.

Elon Musk’s college girlfriend Jennifer Gwynne is auctioning off mementos of their time together at the University of Pennsylvania in the 1990s. Appraisers say that, after almost 30 years, the condoms Musk removed during sex held up surprisingly well.

Herb Kohler, heir to the family’s fortune in faucet & plumbing supplies, died at age 83. No cause of death was given, only that his health went swiftly down the drain.

Viral video captured a British Airways pilot announcing the death of Queen Elizabeth mid-flight between New York & London, eliciting tears from some passengers. He then announced the inflight movie as Jared Leto’s ‘Morbius’, eliciting tears from everyone.

A father and son were arrested for stomping on a guest at a Florida wedding reception, nearly killing him. Guests called it the worst-ever attempt at the Electric Slide.

Explorers have mapped an additional 6 miles to Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave system, bringing the total to 426 miles, the world’s largest. There’s now even more room for Kentuckians to live under a rock.

Apple released iOS16. It’s available to download today, for use starting Thursday when it’s finished installing.

Britney Spears said that she has no plans to ever perform again, saying she’s pretty traumatized for life. Britney’s father, Jamie, bought a bigger mailbox to fit all of the thank-you cards he’s been getting.

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Police officers in Pennsylvania used Narcan to save the same man who overdosed 3 times in 72 hours. Cops were left with no choice but to arrest the manager of the donut shop for dealing heroin.

South Carolina Republicans failed in their effort to enact a ban on abortion that begins at the moment of fertilization. They’ll regroup and attempt to ban abortion at the moment of ‘U Up?’ text.

Shares of gun maker Smith & Wesson dropped as the company cites a decline in demand. They’re considering lower prices to get the stock to shoot back up again.

The Vietnamese government arrested a famous noodle vendor, Bui Tuan Lam, for “anti-state” activity criticizing the ruling Communist party and uslurping their authority.

Queen Elizabeth died at her summer home in Balmoral Castle. Her alleged pedophile son Prince Andrew is in mourning at his summer home, Bal-Immoral Castle.

King Charles II arrived at Buckingham Palace after visiting Balmoral Castle to make sure his mother was really dead.

Charles’ & the late Princess Diana’s son, Prince William, is now next in line for the throne, despite his visibly receding heir line.

After losing the first set of her US Open semifinal, top seed Iga Swiatek credited feeling “lighter” following a bathroom break for her three-set win, rallying back from deuce.

Two animal rights activists ran onto the field with pink smoke flares during Thursday’s NFL Kickoff game between the Buffalo Bills & Los Angeles Rams. They protested animal cruelty in the form of broken limbs and concussions suffered by Bears, Bengals, Dolphins, etc…

Kris Jenner passed a lie detector test on The Late Late Show With James Corden when denying she helped daughter Kim Kardashian release her infamous sex tape. She also passed when asked if she convinced son Rob Kardashian no one wanted to see him have sex.

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Kellogg’s introduced new InstaBowls – single-serving breakfast cereal packages that include powdered milk, so you add water to them. Famous mascot Tony The Tiger says “They’rrrrrrrre Gross!”

The family of Queen Elizabeth is reportedly rushing to her side due to failing health. Duchess Meghan Markle is joining them, right after she rushes to the Queen’s jewelry cabinet.

General Motors is introducing its cheapest electric vehicle ever, the Equinox EV, a small SUV. The good news is it’s expected to cost $30,000; the bad news is it runs on 350 AA batteries.

A Michigan man was mauled by a grizzly bear after he and his partners encountered the bear and her 3 cubs while hunting moose. Wildlife officials called it a really bad surprise party.

The U.S. Army discharged a white supremacist who enrolled in the military after claiming he did so to ‘get better at killing black people’. A day later he enrolled in a police academy in the Midwest.

Philadelphia Police Inspector Charles Layton said the majority of the City’s record-high 946 year-to-date carjackings are parked vehicles. Although he praised some of the really fast runners who are able to jack moving cars.

A North Carolina teacher – charged with having sex with a student – was arrested again for inviting the same student to her house while she was on house arrest for ‘Netflix and Study Hall’.

Hend Bustami, 28, was arrested for skipping out on her bill at the Chili’s in Las Vegas airport, but said she was harassed by cops for being ‘too good looking’. It’s the boldest claim in recorded history by someone who ate an an airport Chili’s.

Kim Kardashian launched a private equity firm to fund startup companies. Despite the inherent risk, Kardashian is confident she won’t lose her ass.

A reptile wrangler was called to a home in Australia to remove a python from a reclining chair. The python wanted to kill the old man sitting in it but kept dozing off.

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Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are rumored to be in an “epic fight” over his decision to unretire and play another NFL season. Gisele is currently not staying at their home in Tampa, and Tom is feeling deflated.

New York City ended its mask requirement for subways, buses and other mass transit, allowing commuters to once again savor the full aromatic bouquet of urine.

Saudi Arabia threatened Netflix over content that ‘violates Islamic values’. Specifics weren’t given, although it’s believed Saudi officials are upset over gay characters, same sex kissing, and the continued availability of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack And Jill‘.

Barack & Michelle Obama will return for the unveiling of their official portraits at The White House. Meanwhile Donald & Melania Trump will attend the unveiling of their official portraits to hang in the restrooms of Texas Roadhouse.

A Southwest Airlines pilot threatened to cancel a flight from Houston to Mexico because a passenger was Air Drop’ing nude photos to other passengers. The pilot was angry because he had an Android phone and couldn’t see them.

Genealogy technology identified the killer of Stacey Lyn Chahorski, a Michigan woman missing for 33 years, as Henry Wise, a truck driver who died in 1999. His body will be exhumed so hero cops can put handcuffs on his skeleton and perp=drag him to court.

Archaeologists discovered a 31,000-year-old body in Indonesia which, they say, highlights advanced medical knowledge because of its lower-leg amputation. They also believe it shows advanced culinary knowledge because of the recipe they found to cook the leg.

Kanye West said Hollywood is a “giant brothel”, adding that pornography “destroyed (his) family”. Ex-wife Kim was unavailable for comment while being photographed exposing her bare buttocks for the cover of Interview magazine.

Thieves in Brazil stole a parked vehicle after kicking out a naked couple having sex inside it. The vehicle was last spotted several miles away traveling at a high rate of speed with the windows down.

An Only Fans model said she almost died after undergoing labiaplasty to relieve discomfort in her vaginal area. She said she paid $6,000 for the procedure, but made about 50 times that much on Only Fans selling before-and-after pictures.

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Top seed Iga Swiatek of Poland complained that women in the U.S. Open tennis championships use lighter tennis balls than those played in men’s matches. Swiatek prefers playing with men’s balls.

A federal judge ruled a Special Master must review documents seized in a raid at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort. The Justice Department is suspicious, because the Special Master requested a Special Servant to deliver Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A man stirred controversy by using a text-to-image artificial intelligence program to win first prize in the Digital Art competition at the Colorado State Fair, angering other entrants. Worse, the text he entered to create his art was ‘dogs playing poker’.

A North Carolina family demands answers after a teacher hit their 16-year-old son in the head with a textbook for talking in class. His parents, who attended Catholic School in the 70s, wonder why the teacher didn’t hit him harder.

Scientists created viable mouse embryos without the use of sperm or an egg – which may help families having difficulty conceiving children. But for now, the scientists need help trapping the lab-created mice.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the Malibu Chili Cook-Off together. JLo was seen consulting with the 90 Day Fiance woman who sells her farts in a jar to see how to cash in on her visit.

A man snuck into a dressing room at the Tropicana Las Vegas during a magic show and masturbated while sitting on a couch. Despite saying “abracadabra” multiple times, his lovely assistant never appeared.

A female mortician on Tik Tok claims the pre-embalming ritual for corpses is like a “spa treatment”. She said cremation is like a “hot stone massage”, only the stones are 1000 degrees.

80,000 attendees sat in traffic jams as long as 12 hours to leave the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert – while joining the Urinating Behind Your Open Car Door festival.

A retired female jockey started an Only Fans account selling nude content. She’s currently settling a dispute about how much money to share with the horse.