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Flip or Flop star Christina Haack finalized the property settlement in her divorce from fellow HGTV star Ant Anstead. She keeps all their houses, but he gets to keep his Ant farm.

An all-woman broadcast team will call the Tampa Bay Rays/Baltimore Orioles game, a first for Major League Baseball. Not much will be different, only viewers will have to wait a couple of days to hear what the players did wrong.

The FBI is planning to upgrade criminal background checks for gun purchases, for tighter controls on sales to individuals under 18. Buyers are encouraged to act now if they want to give gifts for Sweet 16 parties and quinceaneras.

A tv docudrama about the Sex Pistols is hitting a snag as John ‘Johnny Rotten’ Lydon wants to block use of the group’s music. Producers may have to improvise by having teenage drug addicts bang on kitchen utensils.

Chrissy Teigen mourned the death of her dog, Pippa. Before the animal died, Teigen said she apologized for years-ago tweets calling the dog a fat bitch.

New York Yankees players Aaron Judge, Gio Urshela & Kyle Higashioka all tested positive for COVID-19, forcing the postponement of Thursday’s game. After those three strikes, the Yankees were out.

Google Maps is being accused of providing “potentially fatal” hiking routes. Google said they can’t help it if someone asks for walking directions on the Cross-Bronx Expressway.

An Indian bride called police and canceled her wedding, saying she didn’t want to marry the man because he was in love with someone else. The groom admitted he was in love with the other woman, but she was a lousy cook.

Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin flight will include the youngest – 18-year-old Oliver Daemen – & oldest – 82-year-old Wally Funk – space travelers ever. Daemen said he’s limited Funk to a total of two boring stories over the duration of the trip.

Machine Gun Kelly said he had a poster of actress & current girlfriend Megan Fox in his room as a teenager. He’s glad it worked out with Fox, because he was too late for his Farrah Fawcett poster.

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Johnson & Johnson is recalling some Aveeno and Neutrogena brand sunscreens because they may contain a carcinogen. Or, as they call it, a quicker way to get skin cancer.

Top U.S. Generals believed Donald Trump was setting the stage for a January coup to remain in office. But it took them a while to realize it, because Trump kept referring to it as a “coop”.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is suing Amazon for selling faulty carbon monoxide detectors, flammable children’s pajamas, and hair dryers that could electrocute people. However, they were satisfied with the prices they paid for the items on Prime Day.

Actor Jerry O’ Connell will replace Sharon Osbourne and become the first male panelist on ‘The Talk’. He’ll face away from the camera so the female co-hosts can talk about him behind his back.

A Utah company has stopped selling a kit that encases Glock handguns in Lego bricks, after multiple people reported injuries from stepping on the guns.

In a medical first, a paralyzed man’s brain waves have been turned into sentences. Researchers only shared the second sentence he thought of, because his first thoughts were about his young female nurse.

Pittsburgh Steelers QB Dwayne Haskins lost a tooth during a fight with his wife. She was charged with felony battery and penalized 15 yards for an illegal blow to the head.

Britney Spears is allowed to hire her own lawyer, and wants to sue her father for mismanaging her conservatorship. She’s hoping to take back control of her life and money, and finally buy a unicorn.

Netflix plans to offer video games on its service within the next year, then it’ll cancel your favorite game after one level.

An 18-year-old will accompany Jeff Bezos on his Blue Origin rocket launch. His job is to repeatedly ask “Are we in space yet?”

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City of Philadelphia public schools will all have a gender neutral bathroom this fall, ensuring trans & non-binary students have a place to smoke and buy drugs.

Several matches at the recently-completed Wimbledon tennis championships are being investigated for alleged fixing – starting with the ones where players used badminton racquets.

Qanon believers are becoming increasingly prevalent in California yoga & spirituality communities – beginning and ending classes wih ‘Don Must Stay’.

A white “Karen” was recorded attacking a black woman in a Victoria’s Secret in New Jersey. She was escorted away by police after getting several of her panties in a bunch.

Conor McGregor received a six-month medical suspension, preventing him from fighting while he recovers from a broken leg. This upends McGregor’s plan to fight sooner by grabbing the leg with his arm and hitting his opponent with it.

A Cleveland hospital mistakenly transplanted a new kidney to the wrong patient. Worse, the patient can only return it for store credit instead of a refund.

Gillian Anderson will no longer wear a bra. The truth – and her nipple – is out there.

Astronomers sighted a rare teardrop-shaped star – meaning, it killed another star.

Extreme heat is killing salmon in the Sacramento River. It’s so bad, instead of trying to swim upstream to escape it, they’re booking flights.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are now officially divorced. A judge signed off on the terms, including a custody arrangement where their two kids spend every other weekend in prison.

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The manager and eight employees at a Nebraska Burger King all walked out on their jobs and put ‘WE ALL QUIT’ on the large marquee sign in front of the restaurant. “Have it your way” said the owner.

Goldfish dumped in Michigan lakes are growing to over a foot in size, wreaking havoc with ecosystems. Wildlife experts don’t know how to get rid of them, since they’re too large to flush down a toilet.

The U.S. Government began issuing tax credit payments of $3,600 for children under age 6. Demand is surging for platinum rims and high-wattage stereos for tricycles.

Luxury watchmaker Tag Heuer debuted a Connected x Digital Watch featuring Super Mario that will retail for $2,150. Only 2,000 units will be sold, mostly to wealthy collectors who want to impress 10-year-olds.

Coca-Cola is changing Coke Zero Sugar to make it taste more like regular Coke Classic. They’re also considering changing the formula of Dasani Water to make it taste even more like a rusty schoolyard fountain.

Martin Lawrence’s daughter and Eddie Murphy’s son are dating, in what’s expected to bring a truly vulgar & hilarious breakup.

Cardi B gifted her daughter Kulture a diamond necklace for her 3rd birthday. Kulture then lost several baby teeth attempting to eat it.

Billionaire Melinda Gates visited New York City, with a security detail of six bodyguards and three SUVs. “Nice meeting you” said her Match.com date.

Actress Megan Fox said she visited Costa Rica and tried hallucinogen ayahuasca, saying she “went to hell for an eternity”. Fox now knows what it’s like to sit through one of her Transformers movies.

American Airlines crew duct-taped a woman to her seat after she experienced an in-flight “mental health episode” and tried to open the jet’s door. The woman said she chose American because Spirit Airlines charges $49 for the tape.

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Heat in Canada’s western provinces was so extreme, that mussels, clams and other shellfish were cooked alive on shore. Seals were given pagers to let them know when it was their turn to eat.

Statues of Confederate generals, including Robert E. Lee, were removed from Charlottesville, Virginia. They’ll be replaced with statues of other famous second-place finishers.

Recorded temperature at the Furnace Creek Visitor Center in California’s Death Valley National Park reached 130 degrees. Bears stopped in to the lodge to cool off before mauling exhausted hikers for a hot meal.

Passengers on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Miami were ordered to place their hands on their heads for the final hour of the flight due to a reported threat. A screaming passenger was arrested, and dozens of others were treated for spilling Diet Coke into their hair & eyes.

Robert O’Neill, the Navy Seal widely credited with shooting Osama Bin Laden in the face, is seeking investors for his Armed Forces Beer Company. The beer, unlike Bin Laden, has a pretty good head on it.

The Delta Variant of COVID-19 has almost completely taken over reported cases in the U.S. It’s so prevalent, the only places you can still get original COVID are Big Lots & Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

New York’s famed Comedy Cellar does not want Bill Cosby to perform there if he resumes standup comedy. Other clubs are taking a wait-and-see attitude to see if he meets a 10-person bringer requirement.

Music mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun is rumored to be splitting from his wife, Yael. They share three children, but it appears she may be done riding her Scooter.

A California woman is suing, claiming her NutriNinja blender severely cut three of her fingers, and that the blood changed her green smoothie to yellow.

Gypsy moths are getting a new name to remove what some consider an ethnic slur. They’ll now be know as Traveling Scam Artist moths.

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Thousands of jellyfish are gathering along the coast of Rhode Island. It’s the largest assembly of spineless creatures since the Republican National Convention.

Louisiana’s Zaila Avant-garde, age 14, became the first African American winner in the 96-year history of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She’s also the first junior high student in Louisiana to get 100 on a spelling test.

ICE plans to limit the detention of pregnant, nursing & post-partum illegal immigrants, angering Border Patrol workers who just got done painting detention centers pink & robin’s egg blue.

California authorities seized $1.19 billion in illegal marijuana trafficked by drug cartels. Then, California dispensaries announced a billion-dollar legal marijuana inventory blowout sale.

The Biden Administration will issue a directive to reinstate net neutrality rules, and allow renters to have greater flexibility in choosing internet service. The guidance says nothing about customer service or raising prices, so ISPs are generally cool with it.

The United Kingdom recently passed ‘right to repair’ statutes, requiring manufacturers make parts available for consumers to fix their own TVs, refrigerators & washing machines. The United Kingdom has also seen a rise in electrocutions.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian ex-boyfriend Tristan Thompson was awarded $50,000 in a libel settlement against a woman who falsely claimed he fathered her child. Thompson requested that the money be paid in $1 bills.

‘Flip Or Flop’ star Christina Haack claims she smoked toad venom to deal with anxiety issues. She’ll star in a new spinoff, ‘Flip, Flop, Hop & Fly’.

‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic’s ex-husband Dillon Passage announced he has a new boyfriend, John. No last name was given, but it’s speculated he’s John Ordinary.

Kim Kardashian is rebranding KKW Beauty products as she drops the West from her name following her pending divorce. She’s favoring KKK Beauty for Kim Kardashian Kosmetics.

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Ukraine’s Army is being criticized for forcing female cadets to march in high heels. Worse, none of them were given a matching belt & handbag.

General Motors will no longer install CD players in new cars. They’ll switch to in-dash clock/radios that hold your iPod.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and Jake Fromm each got married over the weekend, following lengthy negotiations with their wives over moving to Buffalo.

As part of the “largest menu overhaul” in its history, Subway sandwich shops are slicing ham and turkey more thinly. They’ll also give customers special magnifying glasses so they can actually see the meat on their sandwich.

Donald Trump plans to sue Facebook & Twitter for banning him from their platforms. He’s currently choosing a tough, smart lawyer from the advertisements on Newsmax.

Miki Sudo, reigning Women’s Champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from 2014-2020, skipped the 2021 event because she’s pregnant. Doctors are concerned that her amniotic fluid is already 70% hot dog water.

The trainer of Marcel the Monkey from ‘Friends’ criticized David Schwimmer for his critical remarks about the monkey during the cast reunion, claiming Schwimmer was jealous of the monkey getting laughs. He also criticized Matthew Perry for falsely accusing the monkey of stealing his Vicodin.

Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be expecting a baby with husband Colin Jost. No word on whether the ‘Black Widow’ star will have the baby delivered by Doctor Strange, or induced with a Hulk smash.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm said she was told by a much older man to use cocaine and have “lots of sex” to lose weight before she had even turned 18. She refused the sex, but said thanks for the cocaine.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Claire Crowley is having her breast implants removed, saying her current boyfriend told her that “your boobs are not what make you beautiful”. His opinion is not shared by dozens of former Bachelors.

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New Jersey is building its second offshore wind farms, just as soon as local crime bosses have enough bodies to fill in the giant underwater concrete pylons.

Colon cancer rising in young adults because of sugary drinks. The Surgeon General declared a Mountain Dew Code Red.

Florida condominium owners are debating selling their units in the wake of the Miami Surfside collapse. They’re worried about sharp drops in both value and altitude.

Over 180 people nationwide were killed by guns over the July 4th weekend. Chicago is considering cancelling next year’s fireworks and just scheduling a firefight.

Wildfires in the U.S. are so bad, even Hawaii is experiencing one. It’s a California wildfire on vacation.

Pope Francis is hospitalized following colon surgery, to fix an irregularity discovered by an altar boy.

Black TikTok’ers are on strike since Juneteenth and not creating dances, because they say they’re tired of white TikTok’ers stealing them and getting credit. In other news, the most popular dance on TikTok since Juneteenth is the Macarena.

WWE superstar wrestler Jimmy Uso was arrested for DUI, driving with a blood alcohol level of .205. Uso failed a field sobriety test, he was asked to hit the arresting officer with a folding chair and missed.

Monday marked Aphelion Day, when Earth is at its farthest point from the Sun. Fearing the added distance will diminish their tan, Jersey Shore beachgoers put their chairs on cinderblocks.

Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph resigned, saying he believes Britney wants to retire from singing. He came to the conclusion after listening to Britney sing.

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Donald Trump’s allies launched a new social media app, GETTR, to promote discussions free of cancel culture and liberal bias. Those eager to see it fail are already waiting to say “GETTR done”.

The NFL fined the Washington Football Team $10 million for creating a hostile workplace culture. Owner Daniel Snyder said he was stepping away from day-to-day operations, as the embarrassment left his skin red.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg’s fraud charges include using company funds to pay for his grandson’s school tuition. Only he was so dumb, the payments were made to Trump University.

Wally Funk, an 82-year-old woman and former NASA astronaut-in-training, will join Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, his brother Mark, and someone who paid $28 million, on the inaugural Blue Origin space flight. “So, anybody know what they’re doing?” they’ll ask each other during countdown.

A Boeing 737 cargo jet was forced to land in the ocean near Honolulu after experiencing engine failure. Customers who got emails saying “Great News! Your shipment is on the way!”..received follow-up emails, “Not-So-Great News!…”

Actress Raven Symone said her wife is the one to be thanked for Symone’s 30-pound weight loss, calling her “a terrible cook”.

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, is now the mother of a baby girl. Heard, who infamously pooped in Depp’s bed, said her baby is already pooping in hers.

The woman who held up a sign and allegedly caused a multi-bike crash at the Tour de France has been arrested. She was ordered to pay for all of the Band Aids needed to fix the boo-boos of the impacted cyclists.

The head of Instagram said it’s “no longer a photo-sharing app”. “Coulda fooled me” said millions of creeps ogling women.

West Nile virus has been found in mosquitoes in Washington state. But since the temperatures in Washington have reached 100 degrees, the bugs plan to return to the actual West Nile in Africa, where it’s cooler.