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Thanks to a new Federal rule going into effect January 1st, hospitals will be required to list the cost of their standard medical procedures online. Although many hospitals are skirting the rule, posting “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”

The Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau gave $35,000 so the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall – closed due to the government shutdown – could remain open, thus ensuring that hundreds of children will be properly bored.

With 2018 homicides up 11% in the City of Philadelphia, the police department has reassigned the Captain that runs the homicide unit. A department spokesperson told the media that he fell well below the targeted 20% goal.

The remnants of a wrecked 19th century wooden ship washed ashore over the weekend in Stone Harbor, New jersey. Historians believe it may be the wreck of the D.H. Ingraham, a schooner that caught fire off the New Jersey coast, remembered by many as the first floating meth lab.

Instagram users freaked out when the company tested horizontal scrolling of photos/stories versus the traditional vertical-scrolling user interface. Paramedics were called to the home of Kim Kardashian, who spent several hours spinning her iPhone trying to fix it.

Michelle Obama was named Most Admired Woman in an annual Gallup poll, ousting Hillary Clinton, who had held the title for 17 years.  Oprah finished second, and Stormy Daniels did not make the Top 5, despite her videos being admired thousands of times a day.

Stefany Miley, 48, a district judge in Clark County, Nevada was arrested on suspicion of battery for an incident involving her 18-year-old son. She allegedly threw the book at him. And also a laptop & a vase.

The U.S. Office of Personnel Management offered furloughed federal employees a survival guide during the shutdown. One suggestion was to exchange painting or carpentry work for reductions in their rent. Furloughed workers said thanks, but the reason they chose government employment was to avoid any actual work.

Patti Stanger, star of Bravo’s ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’, is going on a live tour to help singles and couples. Although every guy who buys a ticket through Groupon won’t be matched up with any gold diggers in the audience.

Actor Forest Whitaker filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years, citing irreconcilable differences. He’s reportedly keeping his good eye out for a new romance.

Science journal Proceedings of the Royal Society reviewed sexual activity of mammals with a baculum, or penis bone, meant to keep males erect and inside of females. Raccoons have, on average, a full hour of sexual intercourse – during which time they exchange tips on where to find the best garbage.

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President & First Lady Donald and Melania Trump made a surprise day-after-Christmas trip to Iraq, the couple’s first visit to an active combat zone outside of their bedroom.

The President spent three hours on the ground in Iraq, shooting a 110 that he carded as a 72-stroke par.

Pennsylvania is toughening penalties for repeat drunk drivers. Second-time offenders caught driving while intoxicated will be now be required to both say – and sing – the alphabet backwards.

Lightning strikes in the Dallas area forced the cancellation of the Boise State/Boston College First Responder Bowl after just ten minutes. Organizers were worried that if someone was struck by lightning, there wouldn’t be any first responders there.

More than 3,000 patients may have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis at the HealthPlus Surgery Center in Saddle Brook, New Jersey. Although when contacted, most of them said they already had HIV or hepatitis from stepping on needles at the Jersey shore.

A father booked six flights on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so he could spend the holiday with his daughter, who was working as a flight attendant on all of them. He was upgraded to first class on one flight, dragged off another overbooked one and still hasn’t gotten his luggage.

An Oregon man became the first person to traverse Antarctica alone on foot with no assistance. “NO assistance?!” said a female penguin recalling several passionate nights.

A Michigan petting zoo is asking for residents to drop off their discarded Christmas trees so the goats can eat them.  Zookeepers said you can even leave ornaments on them that you don’t want because, screw it, they’re goats.

Police are reportedly in possession of a 2016 Snapchat video showing actor Kevin Spacey groping a busboy who’s accused the actor of sexual assault. Although Spacey is reportedly more embarrassed about 2016 video, ‘Nine Lives’ where he starred as a talking cat.

The top health question searched on Google in 2018 was “What is the keto diet?”. The second-most googled question was “What is ALS?” And the third most searched question was “If I have ALS, should I do the keto diet?”

 

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Italy’s Mount Etna – Europe’s tallest and most active volcano – erupted, forcing the closure of nearby Catania Airport. The volcano spewed ash and hot lava – although obnoxious Italians insist that you call it ‘gravy’.

President Trump took a phone call from a 7-year-old and asked him if ‘he was still a believer in Santa, because at 7, it’s marginal’.  The 7-year-old then asked Trump what “marginal” means, and the President replied that he didn’t know.

Melania Trump also took a phone call from a 7-year-old girl, who asked how you marry a rich slob. The First Lady told the girl if she didn’t already have her plan in place, she’s late getting started.

Regal the beagle, a canine working for U.S. Customs & Border patrol at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport, sniffed out a six-inch giant millipede in the luggage of a couple arriving from South Africa. The millipede was arrested for cocaine trafficking after a cavity search was conducted with a microscope.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the safest 2019 vehicles. Subaru topped the list with multiple vehicles, to the relief of lesbians who like to text and drive.

UFC 232’s light-heavyweight bout between Jon Jones and Alexander Gustafsson was abruptly moved from Las Vegas to Los Angeles after officials found “abnormalities” in Jones’ pre-fight drug test. The abnormality was that he actually passed it.

As of December 31st, the minimum wage in New York City for fast-food workers and businesses with 11 or more employees will increase; they’ll now receive $15/hour for spitting in tourists’ burgers.

A Kentucky man was arrested for assault after throwing a Christmas ham at a woman during an argument over when to have the family holiday dinner. The man was taken in  to custody, and several pigs living in his backyard are once again worried that one of them will need to replace the main course.

A 32-year-old Florida man was sentenced to 30 years in prison for soliciting sex from a 14-year-old girl. The suspect was arrested at a convenience store when meeting the girl, who turned out to be undercover law enforcement. “Since when are there 14-year-old girl cops?” he asked, still not quite getting it.

The NFL’s Oakland Raiders may need a temporary home in 2019, since their new Las Vegas stadium won’t be ready until 2020. Among the single-season options is Mexico City; imprisoned drug kingpin El Chapo Guzman said he’ll even let the team run on to the field from one of his tunnels.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 41, reaffirmed his plan to continue playing in the NFL beyond the 2019 season. Brady said he has goals set for at least two more seasons, and he believes that he can achieve them with teammates’ help and referees protecting him.

 

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A letter mailed by Abraham Lincoln just days before Christmas, 1863, sold at auction for $60k – by the family who just received it this past Friday.

Japan experienced its greatest natural population decline ever in 2018, with just 951.000 births. The slowdown was attributed to the devastating National Headache of 2017.

Madonna changed public relations firms, signing with Kelly Bush Novak. Novak is tasked with getting the world to remember that Madonna exists.

Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber paid off all of the layaways at two Compton, California Walmart locations. They did so after hearing about Tyler Perry & Kid Rock’s generosity doing the same, and followed through when they realized they didn’t have to actually set foot in a Compton, California Walmart.

Page Six reports that ‘Bull’ actor Michael Weatherly – a recent target of sexual harassment allegations by co-star Eliza Dushku – was the first person to have sexual intercourse with a teenage Jessica Alba. Weatherly offered no comment, but it’s been speculated that his harassment is a sign that it’s been all downhill since then.

The FDA is warning that unwashed avocado skins could lead to listeria poisoning, after seeing a rise in listeria poisoning among raccoons eating avocado skins out of Chipotle dumpsters.

A Reuters article claims that Amazon’s Alexa is occasionally offering up terrifying bits of advice via it’s “let’s chat” feature – telling one person to “kill your foster parents.” The person getting the device was upset a) because they didn’t know they were adopted; and b) Alexa didn’t tell them how to do the murder.

Comedian Pete Davidson was spotted watching Machine Gun Kelly perform at Cleveland State University, just a week after police made a wellness check following his Instagram post about not wanting to live. Friends think Davidson is showing renewed strength with his ability to endure an hour of terrible white-guy rap.

Wendy Williams apologized for slurring her words during an interview on her daytime talk show, attributing the behavior to painkillers she’d been taking for a shoulder injury. Her viewers have been especially understanding, since so many of them take drugs to enable them to sit through the Wendy Williams Show.

‘Flip or Flop’ co-star Christina El Moussa had an intimate secret, wedding to new husband Ant Anstead in Newport Beach, California. On their wedding night, they saw each other naked and budgeted $75,000 for renovations.

 

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President Trump issued government shutdown threats via Twitter, saying his $5 billion border wall is effective, and that he “knows tech better than anyone.” Trump then set down his unsecured smartphone and asked Barron how the thing he’s holding makes Mario’s go-kart move on the tv.

A GoFundMe for the border wall is now one of the site’s Top 5 biggest money-raisers ever. The campaign was started by a Purple Heart recipient and triple-amputee, who echoes Trump’s sentiment that wall-climbing is hard.

Valeri Spiridonov, a Russian man in Florida suffering from a muscle-wasting disease, canceled plans to undergo the world’s first head transplant after his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spiridonov said that at this magical time of year, it’s better to give head than receive it. [ h/t to SES ! ]

  • Meanwhile, nobody is more relieved at the transplant being called off than the donor.

Svetlana Zhakarova, a former mistress of one-time New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, claims that while his wife was away, he snuck her into his NYC apartment in a suitcase. She called the experience humiliating, but added that she swears by the quality and storage capacity of Samsonite luggage.

Amazon announced that Prime Now members who order by 9p.m. on Christmas Eve will get packages delivered before Midnight. In tandem, Amazon Prime Now Dirtbags guarantee that they’ll steal it off of your porch by 1a.m. Christmas morning.

Wawa, Sheetz & 7-Eleven all announced that they’ll be open all, or part, of Christmas Day. They invite families to stop in to grab a hot drink, or just sit in the parking lot to watch customers and gain a better understanding of Seasonal Depression.

WhatsApp chat groups are spreading illegal child porn. Parent company Facebook claimed they’re doing all they can, with Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg clicking the Wow! emoji on the story after she read it.

Pope Francis urged sexual predator priests and bishops to turn themselves in. As for cardinals, he said they should hold off because he needs some help moving furniture when he gets a new apartment on January 1st.

A former chemistry major at Lehigh University admitted to poisoning his roommate’s food & drink with toxic metal thallium. The chemistry major fell just short of getting an automatic 4.0 because his roommate lived.

Samsung is reportedly working on its own version of Google Pixel’s popular low-light photography feature ‘Night Sight’, to be called Bright Night. Samsung said Galaxy phone owners feel left out because they can’t take flashless naked selfies in the dark without awaking their spouses.

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Porn actress Jenna Jameson shared three photos of her buttocks on Instagram, to display the progress of her appearance over the course of an eight-month, 80-pound weight loss. “Oh, NOW I recognize you!” said 50 different male porn stars when they saw the third picture.

A GoFundMe campaign seeks to raise a billion dollars to help fund the controversial wall along the U.S./Mexico border, and has already raised $3.3 million dollars. It was started by The Trump Foundation.

Customer service agents at DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe are reporting fielding panic calls from customers getting results that reveal they’re adopted, or that children aren’t really theirs. They say the hard part is telling callers that speaking to a supervisor won’t change that their wife had an affair.

Kim, Khloe & Kourtney Kardashian and sister Kylie Jenner all said they’ll no longer update their personal apps and websites — abandoning fans who will only be able to see & read about them on their tv show..gossip sites..other tv shows.. Facebook.. Instagram.. Snapchat..TikTok…

Anheuser-Busch is investing $50 million toward development of cannabis-infused beverages. So around July 4th, when they put America on Budweiser cans, it will read Stoned America instead.

Following Alfonso Ribeiro’s lawsuit against Epic Games ‘Fortnite’ for stealing his Carlton Dance, ‘Backpack Kid’, inventor of the Floss, is also suing Epic for stealing his dance. Lawyers for Chubby Checker are ready just in case Fortnite characters do The Twist while standing in front of a walker.

Walgreens announced a plan designed to save the company more than $1 billion annually. It pretty much boils down to firing everyone who’s been stealing oxycontin.

The U.S. Justice Department accused China of systemic hacking into the systems of American tech & industry giants. Comcast said that the Chinese had stolen their Customer Satisfaction Playbook – but the Justice Department said they’re more worried about useful information that was stolen.

In the U.K., a dying man enamored of his two-year-old neighbor girl bought her 19 years of Xmas presents and had them delivered to her parents before he passed away.  The parents cried, then promptly opened the Year 19 gift and got wasted on it.

Saudi Arabia announced the creation of three new government bodies aimed at improving their intelligence operations after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. The three bodies are: strategy & development; legal affairs; and a new & improved secret murder department.

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Some parents in Huntington Woods, Michigan want the public library to end ‘Drag Queen Story Hour’ – where drag queens read to children. However, the drag queens are a huge draw and children love it, though some complained a reading of The Night Before Christmas took 2 hours including costume changes.

President Donald Trump’s charitable foundation is being dissolved amidst allegations of ‘persistently illegal conduct’ — leaving many wondering who will put gifts under the tree for Playmates and porn stars.

Adam Bros., the farm linked to E. coli in romaine lettuce, is now recalling red & green leaf lettuce and cauliflower out of what they say is “an abundance of caution”. Throughout the country, children are hoping they also extend their caution to broccoli and asparagus.

Actor Dax Shepard defended telling his child that there is no Santa. Shepard said he was tired of lying, adding that he also told his daughter that the CHiPs movie sucked.

A Kansas mom was shocked to find metal shavings in her daughter’s gummy vitamins from Zarbee’s Naturals.  Said a Zarbee’s spokesman “so do you want your kid to get iron or don’t you?”

Multiple Tinder employees who sued Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, for $2 billion were fired this week. The employees say they were subjected to intimidation and retaliation, Match Group human resources claimed that they simply swiped left on their performance reviews.

At the trial of drug kingpin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, a Chicago-area cocaine distributor described the organization to a jury, calling it “a highly-matrixed team where motivated self-starters are fully empowered to contribute and grow in a challenging, fast-paced environment!”

Utah implemented the lowest blood-alcohol threshold for DUI in the nation, at .05.  Residents are advised not only to avoid drinking & driving, but to avoid tongue-kissing drunk women & men in the bar before getting behind the wheel.

A 23-year-old Florida man was arrested by Port St. Lucie police for attempting to pay for his order at a McDonald’s drive-thru with pot.  The drive-thru worker alerted police, saying the man must have been high, since he offered a dime bag for a $6 value meal.

A Swedish music festival, Statement Festival, that banned cisgender men, was found guilty of discrimination. A Swedish court found that the festival, which only allowed cisgender women, transgender and non-binary people, discriminated against men born with penises who wanted to feel hated while listening to terrible music.

 

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A new type of malware was discovered that steals screenshots and other information off computers, based on code buried in memes posted to Twitter. The malware authors have already claimed the inaugural Nobel Prize in Social Media, for deterring dopes from posting more hackneyed Twitter memes.

Police and hackers discovered they can use 3D-printed replicas of someone’s head & face to unlock a smartphone. ISIS & Al Qaeda responded by requiring all their terrorists to wear sunglasses on Team Picture Day.

A California woman said Southwest Airlines made her surrender her pet beta fish before a flight, and that she had to give the fish to a stranger since the airline wouldn’t hold it. The woman said she had no idea where the fish ended up, but a guy using an airport toilet has a pretty good idea.

94301, Palo Alto, California is the U.S.’ most expensive zip code. based on a study by 24/7 Wall Street.  The least expensive zip code is Five Blanks, Mississippi, which is too poor to send or receive mail.

The state of California ended its plan to generate revenue by taxing text messages. California’s Department of Revenue announced the decision with this : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

According to a study posted in journal JAMA Pediatrics, children in Florida schools getting report cards on Friday showed a fourfold increase in incidents of domestic abuse on Saturday. Children in states with better schools knew enough to hide their lousy report cards until Monday.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly still interested in interviewing President Trump as part of the Russia probe. He’s so serious, he bought a long blonde wig & a tight dress and sent an audition tape to Fox News.

Ex-CBS CEO Les Moonves will not receive the $140 million severance stipulated in his contract, since a CBS investigation found numerous instances of both sexual misconduct – harassing women .. and professional misconduct – green-lighting ‘God Friended Me’.

According to the U.S. Postal Service, today is the last day to mail your b.s. Christmas letter in time to have friends & family members roll their eyes reading it before December 25th.

Alfonso Ribeiro is suing Epic Games and 2K Sports for copying his Fresh Prince of Bel Air ‘Carlton Dance’ in their Fortnite and NBA 2K games. Ribeiro states that he’s in the process of copyrighting the Carlton Dance, and also copyrighting the idea of a black guy being an uptight white loser.

 

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President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

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Del Monte is recalling more than 64,000 cases of canned ‘fiesta corn’ – mixed with red and green peppers – due to botulism risk. They’re also considering recalling all inventory of canned cream corn because of terroristic threats from grossed-out kids.

Taylor Swift revealed that video kiosks set up at her concerts used facial recognition software to identify her known stalkers in attendance. A ‘command station’ in Nashville held a database of Swift’s stalkers photos for comparison. No reason was given as to why Donald Trump’s photo was in the database.

Amazon lowered the price on a 2nd-generation Alexa-enabled Echo Dot to just $19.99 for its big Christmas Sale. That’s the lowest price ever to surrender any & all privacy in your home.

Melania Trump became the first First Lady to fly in V-22 Osprey, a massive military flight machine that has airplane range, yet lifts off & lands like a helicopter. Her flight took her over the Atlantic Ocean and parts of Virginia, safely landing on the roof of Bergdorf Goodman just before the end of their Christmas shoe sale.

KFC is selling prefab firelogs that smell like their fried chicken when burned.  You can either let the logs burn all the way out, or extinguish them with your own vomit. [h/t to SES & RC !]

Michael Cohen sat for an interview on ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ to discuss his and now-President Trump’s role in paying off Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Cohen said of Trump “he knows the truth” — which, for Trump, is a first.

  • Cohen added that he’s “done being loyal to Trump”, and that he’s shifting his loyalty to whomever is boss of his cell block.

Netflix is testing a new feature, ‘Watch That Scene Again’, which allows viewers to immediately re-watch key scenes in movies. They say they got the idea from every guy who’s watched porn, ever.

Facebook admitted that for 12 days, it allowed access to users’ photos that they’d uploaded to Facebook, but had not agreed to share.  Facebook admits that this resulted in the unwanted sharing of boob and penis shots that users were on the fence about while they tried alternate angles & lighting.

A Reuters investigation alleges that Johnson & Johnson for years hid the knowledge that its signature Baby Powder contained cancer-causing asbestos. J&J has yet to deny the reports, but says they aren’t receiving enough credit for the powder preventing babies from catching fire. [h/t to BTT]

Stormy Daniels owes Donald Trump’s lawyers over $293,000 for her failed defamation lawsuit, and is in talks with Scores strip clubs to do high-end shows to earn the money. Her lawyer said  Scores would need to pay more than the current offer she has from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.