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Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.

 

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Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.

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Saudi Arabia will allow women to drive for the first – and, in many instances, last – time.

  • While many Saudi women applauded the move, others asked “if we still can’t drink, what’s the point?”
  • Shares of Mini Cooper, Subaru & Saudi Urgent Care all soared on the news.

New York Giants co-owner John Mara said he’s unhappy with Odell Beckham Jr celebrating a touchdown by pretending to be a urinating dog. Also unhappy? – Mara’s dog – who said Beckham Jr should have peed on the goal post.

In San Diego, construction began on eight prototypes for President Trump’s proposed border wall. So far designs are split between stainless steel, and subway tiles with a decorative splash of color.

  • Once complete, the walls will be tested by Homeland Security; they’ll ask Crossfit enthusiasts to attempt tossing 10 pound bags of cake flour over it.

Chelsea Manning was denied entry into Canada; when Customs officials asked if she had anything to declare, she rattled off 45 minutes of U.S. Intelligence secrets.

Joanna & Chip Gaines, co-hosts of HGTV’s Fixer Upper, announced the show is ending. The time slot is expected to be filled with Flip Or Flop‘s Christina & Tarek El Moussa’s divorce hearings, Fixer Downer.

Russia threatened to block Facebook until they comply with a law requiring storage of its Russian users’ personal data on Russian soil.  Facebook has yet to respond, but expressed doubt about storing anything on soil.

Founder Jack Dorsey said Twitter will test doubling tweet length to 280 characters, delighting windbag liberal pundits who can now thread 10 anti-Trump tweets instead of the usual 20.

WalMart is introducing a line of 100 baby products under their new L’il Dirtbag brand.

A USA Today investigation revealed that in 2012, a Wisconsin music teacher told two 2nd Grade boys they couldn’t play Abraham Lincoln in a class skit because they were too “dark-skinned”. The teacher was reprimanded, and the dejected boys each walked home five miles uphill.

Acting Drug Enforcement Agency Administrator Chuck Rosenberg is leaving. Sources say he didn’t like having Trump as a boss and wants to work for someone smarter and more compassionate like El Chapo.

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A copperhead snake bit a woman three times at a Longhorn Steakhouse in Virginia. The woman was hospitalized for 11 days; the snake saved room for dessert and slithered out with a chocolate lava cake.

Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for repeatedly sexting a 15 year old girl. Weiner unsuccessfully pleaded with the judge for probation only, saying he’d straightened himself out and had the pictures to prove it.

GOP Senators made last-ditch revisions to the Graham-Cassidy health care bill, in an effort to appease holdout senators Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine. The revised bill now extends Medicaid benefits to elderly king crabs and lobsters.

President Trump signed an expansion of his original travel ban, adding 8 more nations, including North Korea. This comes as heartbreaking news to the Showcase Showdown trip winner on ‘The North Korean Price Is Right.’

A far-right Catholic group signed a letter accusing Pope Francis of heresy for, among other things, allowing divorced, remarried Catholics to accept Holy Communion.  His Holiness replied that he preaches forgiveness, and that he likes to see divorcees dressed up with their tongues sticking out.

Following hurricane devastation that left Puerto Rico almost fully off the grid, meteorologists and mayors on the East Coast of the U.S. are meeting to ask ‘How do we solve a problem like Maria?’.

French chef Sebastian Bras, whose restaurant Le Suquet has held Michelin’s highest three-star rating for a decade, asked Michelin to remove his stars so he won’t feel so much pressure. Michelin is expected to comply, having recently honored the request of a chef at Cracker Barrel to stop rating him.

Miss Turkey Itir Eisen was stripped of her title, after a controversial tweet where she said her period had begun, representing the blood of martyrs who had died in a coup to overthrow the government last year. Pageant runner-up, Asli Sumen, assumed the crown and tweeted “what’s a period?” since she’s 7.

North Korea released a 99-second propaganda video featuring crude computer simulations of U.S. warplanes and aircraft carriers exploding from North Korean attacks. The video concluded with ‘Directed by Michael Bay’.

Target stores raised their minimum wage to $11 an hour, and committed to paying $15 an hour in 2020. Reached for comment, a $9 an hour WalMart employee said that while he’s tempted, he won’t give up on a 30-year WalMart career.

 

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A high school art teacher in Arkansas was arrested, accused of having sex with four students. Her arraignment is delayed while she’s being treated for finger paint and paper mache infections.

Dozens of Florida women volunteered to do the laundry of visiting electrical linemen helping to restore power to the state after Hurricane Irma. Dozens of smarter Florida women are just buying the linemen new underwear.

For the first time in its 250-year history, the Marine Corps will have a female infantry officer. She will assume the post after completing mandatory training to prevent sexually harassing herself.

A Georgia area music teacher was removed from the classroom after giving her students printouts of vulgar rap lyrics and telling them to make them “more positive”. Of those students completing the assignment, the most popular n-word was “nurses”.

France is considering skipping the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea over security concerns, disappointing gamblers waiting to bet against the French men’s ice hockey team.

Travelers to Mexicali, Mexico are being warned about 7Up beverages contaminated with methamphetamine. One person has died from drinking it, and dozens more have died from routine chemical explosions at the bottling plant.

The FDA has recalled 11-ounce cans of Death Wish Nitro Cold Brew coffee because of botulism risk. An FDA spokesperson said the contaminated coffee could be lethal to drink, unless someone has built up an immunity drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

A California woman reported that while she watched HGTV, she heard a male voiceover speaking the warning “in the last days, extremely violent time will come.” No word from HGTV on whether they’ll air more episodes of House Hunters: Apocalypse.

Megyn Kelly Today debuts on NBC at 9a.m. Monday. Kelly assured reporters that “It’s not going to be the Trump channel.” Meanwhile Fox & Friends debuts a new show at 9a.m. Monday called The Trump Channel.

Former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall told Bleacher Report that he now has a ‘dream job’ as a staff writer for HBO’s Ballers. Mendenhall said that he’s had a much easier time getting his pro football stories on screen than he did when he tried writing for Game of Thrones. 

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12 year-old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer is the new champion of America’s Got Talent, succeeding last year’s champion, then-12 year-old ukulele-playing singer Grace Vanderwaal. Producers plan to rename the show ‘America’s Got A Thing For Preteen Girls’.

General Electric Corporation is getting rid of its corporate jets to cut costs. Execs will now have to charter a plane, fly commercial, or befriend a rapper.

Archaeologists have discovered 75 million year-old fossilized dinosaur poop – along with a chiseled note from a Cro-magnon man threatening violence if he finds it outside of his cave again.

  • The poop contained crustacean shells and rotting wood, forcing scientists to reconsider their belief that dinosaurs were herbivores — now concluding that some of them dined at Red Lobster.

Ivanka Trump, appearing on the Dr. Oz show, said she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to each of her three children. Ivanka said much of the depression came because of constant badgering from her father asking when she was getting her hot body back.

  • Responding to Ivanka’s revelation, Dr Oz asked her what postpartum depression is.

Apple said they’re working on a fix for the new Apple Watch Series 3, which sometimes fails to connect to cellular service while on unsecured wireless networks. Apple reiterated the important things are that they still get their money, and that purchasers still get to look like dorks talking to their watch like Dick Tracy.

To help fight the opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy said that it will limit new opioid prescriptions to a 7-day supply, but added that CVS ExtraCare loyalty card members will still get bottomless refills.

President Trump, speaking at a U.N. luncheon, referred to ‘Nambia’ — a non-existent African country — while praising its health care. A White House spokesperson acknowledged the mistake, saying the President was referring to Wakanda, and that he would personally apologize to the Nubian Prince T’Challa.

Melania Trump spoke out against bullying at the U.N. on Wednesday.  “Great speech” said Little Marco.

Rhode Island’s Governor said that the state will cover the $495 cost for DACA ‘Dreamers’ to extend their resident eligibility status, but that they’re on their own once they decide to wise up and leave Rhode Island.

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Apple released iOS 11 to the public, as CEO Tim Cook officially declared September 20th “Stare At The Download Bar On Your iPad For An Hour” Day.

  • iOS11 includes several new Augmented Reality features – including an Augmented Reality where you have the thousand dollars for an iPhone X.
  • Updates include changes to the App Store and a new Files app, giving you a convenient way to store music & photos that you’ll lose when you upgrade to iOS12.

TMZ released more photos of actor/comedian Kevin Hart allegedly cheating on his pregnant wife while in Las Vegas. In the latest images, Hart is seen posting a sign-up sheet for mistresses seeking to become his next wife.

Falling cereal sales led to General Mills reporting poor earnings to Wall Street, sending its stock price down 5%. While no formal layoffs have been announced, it’s rumored that a teary-eyed Count Chocula was seen leaving a meeting with Human Resources.

A new Boston University study concludes that young athletes who play tackle football before age 12 have more behavioral and cognitive problems later in life.  Pee Wee Football organizers responded to the study by introducing the Sippy Cup Concussion Protocol during league play.

President Trump met with Jordan’s King Abdullah II; Melania Trump dropped in at the end to share her resume & portfolio for any openings in the King’s harem.

United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley said that Trump referring to Kim Jong Un as ‘Rocket Man’ in his U.N. speech “worked” — because other ambassadors who spoke to her later used the ‘Rocket Man’ nickname. Haley added it worked just like the time when she called a junior high rival ‘fat ass’ and the other girls started saying it.

A professor at the University of Munich claims that interference in the upcoming German Presidential Election is coming not from Russia, but from U.S.-based right wing groups. As evidence, the professor produced Facebook ads featuring Pepe the German Frog.

Amazon is reportedly developing Alexa-enabled “smart glasses” that users can wear to engage the voice assistant while out & about. Amazon’s next step is conducting a field trial with nearsighted homeless people who already walk around talking to their glasses.

Mindy Kaling shared photos with Entertainment Tonight on her last day of shooting Hulu sitcom ‘The Mindy Project’. The photos are expected to be seen by a hundred times more people than have ever seen or heard of The Mindy Project.

 

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A 25 year-old Ohio father was arrested after donning a scary clown mask and chasing his 6 year-old daughter around the neighborhood to discipline her. He was apprehended when ordered by police to put his hands up, at which point his pants fell down.

Chipotle introduced queso to the menu at its restaurants last week, but commenters on Twitter have expressed disappointment. Worse, the mice filmed at Chipotle over the summer can be seen in a new video scraping the queso off of chips before eating them.

A study in this month’s International Journal of Obesity states that weight loss may be influenced by what’s in dieter’s poop. The study found more weight loss among those whose feces contained a higher ratio of Prevotella to Bacteroides bacteria; and less weight loss among those whose feces contained whole Snickers bars.

Donald Trump Jr. is declining his Secret Service protection so that he can have more privacy. The Secret Service complied, then winked and crossed their fingers behind their backs.

It’s been revealed that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been under U.S. government audio surveillance for 3 years. FBI agents now know how to say “urinating hooker” in several Eastern European dialects.

Toys R Us declared bankruptcy. The iconic retailer is so deep in debt, the only Hatchimals they can afford to sell this Christmas are knockoffs that require children to sit on them.

82 locations of Kohl’s stores will pack & ship Amazon returns for free. Kohl’s said it’s the least they can do to help out the bully that will eventually punch them out of business.

President Trump addressed the United Nations on Tuesday morning. Asked for their opinions after the speech, the President said it ‘went very well’; Ivanka Trump called it “excellent” and Eric Trump asked if it was time for lunch yet.

  • Trump again referred to Kim Jong-Un as ‘Rocket Man’ and said the North Korean leader was on a “suicide mission” – hinting that the President enjoys Heavy Metal as well as Classic Rock.

In Geneva, Switzerland, investigators are questioning two Spanish women who flushed 100,000 Euros down toilets at a UBS bank branch and several nearby restaurants. Speculation is that the women were involved in money laundering, or panicked when discovering the bank and restaurants lacked a bidet.

Sunday night’s Emmy Awards set a record for lowest-rated Emmy broadcast, a claim expected to be repeatedly disputed by surprise guest Sean Spicer.

A study in the journal Child Development finds that teenagers of today are slower than teens of the 70s, 80s & 90s to take steps toward independence such as driving, getting a job and dating. Teens reacting to the survey said “whatever”.

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Crayola is being criticized for naming its new crayon ‘Bluetiful’ – with some saying it sends a bad message because Bluetiful is neither a color or a word. “It’s both now, bitches!” said a foul-mouthed girl who really likes to color.

Verizon will stop offering cell phone service in some areas of rural Montana, angering businesses as well as cattle who enjoy talking to friends & family in far away pastures.

President Trump angered critics by retweeting a gif depicting him hitting a golf ball that drills Hillary Clinton, causing her to fall as she boards a jet. Trump then cheated by not taking a two-stroke penalty for losing his ball out of bounds.

Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary is leaving, said a White House source close enough to know that Mike Pence has actually had a press secretary all this time.

At a White House dinner to discuss DACA with President Trump, Democrat Nancy Pelosi reportedly rebutted interruptions by asking “Do the women get to talk around here?” — at which point Melania Trump silently shook her head side-to-side.

Pro-Trump “Mother Of All Rallies” in Washington, D.C. drew around 1,000 people instead of the million they’d targeted, making it the Absentee Mother Of All Rallies.

The Pewaukee, Wisconsin school district is requiring “dress-wearing” students planning to attend school dances to submit a photo of themselves wearing the dress. School officials will approve or reject the dress based on the school’s dress code, and gay male students will send feedback on how to look even more fabulous.

Serena Williams’ infant daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr already has her own Instagram account, and has already unfollowed Kendall Jenner.

September 16th is the most popular U.S. birth date, according to a Harvard professor, and according to women who got desperate around Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

U.S. home ownership rates are at their lowest level since the 1960s. New research says a big reason is that millennials value experiences over possessions; and an even bigger reason is that baby boomers favor screwing millennials over paying them fairly.

In Pisa, Italy, a robot conducted the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra during a concert by opera singer Andrea Bocelli. After the show, an attractive cellist broke off an affair she’d been having with the conductor by unplugging him.