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‘Thursday’ is a new dating app that only works on Thursdays, and all of a user’s matches disappear at the end of the day. Men who go on dates with women can keep dating them if it goes well, or label them C U Next Thursday if it doesn’t.

Russian chess player Amina Abakarova was suspended from competitive play after poisoning her opponent by spraying mercury on their pieces. Abakarova may also be disqualified from her upcoming appearance in the Werther’s Originals Checkers Grand Nationals.

Swimmers were shocked to see an alligator swimming in Lake Erie near Erie, Pennsylvania. The alligator isn’t exactly thrilled to be in Erie, Pennsylvania either.

A 7.1 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan triggered a tsunami warning, and a potential oversupply of sushi.

A California teacher was shocked when she discovered a bear had broken into her classroom and eaten all the granola bar snacks. She was even more shocked when the bear’s mother showed up to complain that the granola bars her child ate weren’t gluten free.

New research finds harmful bacteria can survive being microwaved. Although the bacteria eventually die from ingesting Hot Pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

A woman died of suicide after choking herself to death on a baggage carousel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Meanwhile, at Philadelphia Airport, at least 3 people died after collapsing after 7 hours waiting at a baggage carousel.

Two people were stabbed at a Philadelphia rehab center. One was stabbed and the other restabbed.

The Biden Administration is sponsoring new regulations to make it easier to unsubscribe to apps and online services, and to require the ability to speak with a live customer service rep. If passed, it’s expected to create millions of new jobs in India.

After Kamala Harris championed exempting service worker’s tips from taxes, Donald Trump said she doesn’t have any of her own ideas, she just steals his. Harris plans to greet Trump at their September debate by grabbing him by the balls.

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An 11-foot pet alligator was seized at a home in Hamburg, New York, from a man who claims he had an exotic animal license, but it expired in 2021. The seizure was preceded by the first-ever 911 call the county received from a house cat.

The Los Angeles Dodgers minor league affiliate Rancho Cucamunga Quakes changed their nickname to Chaquetas. Chaqueta translates to ‘jacket’ and is intended to honor mariachi jackets, but is also slang for masturbation. Either way, they think local teen boys will be big Chaqueta fans.

Vladimir Putin was reelected to a six-year term as Russian president in an election criticized as being neither free or fair. Polls opened at 7a.m., and Russian state television projected Putin as the winner at 7:01a.m.

A longevity researcher claims people who eat a cup of beans every day live four years longer – but have difficulty remaining close to people for long periods of time.

Britain’s Princess Kate faces public pressure to speak out, as she’s not addressed the public since her abdominal surgery. Brits are applying even more pressure on Meghan Markle to stay away.

The most comprehensive study yet links ultra-processed foods to damage in all of the human body’s systems. The study cited early-onset dementia in grade school students who only ate Lunchables at recess.

AI-generated on-air talent is reportedly being used to spread misinformation on news broadcasts in Venezuela. Although some viewers could tell they were fake because the woman giving the weather wore loose clothing and had small breasts.

United Airlines CEO is addressing customers following a series of separate incidents, including a wheel falling off, a jet spewing hydraulic fluid, an engine fire, and a jet skidding off the runway. The CEO reassured customers that the in-flight wifi is better than ever.

Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom are launching a sports podcast, ‘Keeping Up With Sports’, to offer their takes on excellence in sports from the male and……………………………………………………………………………………………… female perspectives.

Donald Trump reportedly lacks the cash to secure a $454 million bond to appeal his civil financial fraud judgment in New York. Trump may be forced to liquidate assets and is privately soliciting bids on Trump Tower, Tiffany, Eric, Don Jr and his grandchildren.

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Applebee’s sold out of ‘Date Night Passes’ – cards offering $30 discounts on meals for two years – in less than a minute. Coincidentally, men who got the passes say their dates last less than a minute when women hear they’re going to Applebee’s.

An American Airlines passenger was kicked off a flight before departure for farting too much and bragging about the smell. American said they had no choice because passengers in adjacent rows paid for upgrades to Fartless Economy Plus.

Actor Ryan Gosling shared a social media post critical of Oscars voters denying nominations for ‘Barbie‘ co-star Margot Robbie and director Greta Gerwig. Toy maker Mattel said it was the first time ever that Ken had real balls.

8-year-old Ella Piazza, a little girl who was lifted up by Jason Kelce so she could show a sign and wave to Taylor Swift at a Buffalo Bills game, was contacted by The Today Show for an appearance. She was also contacted by Ticketmaster to pay $75 in fees for seeing Taylor Swift.

A frozen alligator was still alive while fully submerged under ice of a frozen pond in Texas. Wildlife experts said the gator was merely hibernating and should be left alone, after a good samaritan was hospitalized after attempting to give it CPR.

Alaska Airlines & United Airlines found many loose bolts on grounded Boeing 737 Max 9 jets, and are reconsidering future purchases of Boeing aircraft. Boeing’s CEO responded, promising every new 737 Max jet will come with a free monkey wrench.

A new study finds seagulls are shifting their habitats to urban environments. The birds now realize french fries are more plentiful inland, and it’s easier to shit on people at swimming pools versus the beach.

A new study from China finds life expectancy is longer for people drinking three daily cups of tea – a price that’s not too steep.

Lawmakers are asking the FDA to raise restrictions on tianeptine – a dangerous non-prescription antidepressant known as ‘gas station heroin’. It’s called that because of its opioid-like effects, and because it’s free with a fill-up at participating Exxon locations in the deep South.

A man in India dressed in women’s clothing and wore makeup to masquerade as his girlfriend so she could pass a healthcare career exam. They almost got away with it, but he was standing up while giving a sample for an accompanying drug test.

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Two climbers stranded on a steep cliff in British Columbia were rescued when nearby Sikh men made a lifeline for them out of their turbans and jackets. Everything worked out fine, but the men said, at first, they were worried Sikh.

A Sonoma County, California homeowner discovered a ‘rookery’ beneath his home – a gathering of rattlesnakes giving birth. He called a reptile rescue to have over 90 rattlesnakes removed, because none of them had health insurance.

Flash flooding and water rescues are underway in New Jersey as a nor’easter dropped 2 to 6 inches of rain on the state. 911 dispatchers received a record number of “hey, I’m drownin’ heeya” calls.

A hiker lost on Mount Elbert – Colorado’s highest peak – hindered rescue efforts due to his declining calls from searchers because he didn’t recognize their phone number. He also frustrated two different Grubhub drivers trying to deliver pizzas he ordered.

A cyclist in Alaska survived an attack from a 500-pound brown bear by repeatedly kicking the animal, then he watched in amazement as the bear stole his bike and rode away on it.

Police surveilling now-deceased fugitive Brian Laundrie thought he had returned to his parents home as they staked it out, but it was his mother. In their defense, she had shaved her head and choked her stylist following a bad haircut.

A TikTok ‘star’ with over 900,000 followers is accused of murdering his estranged wife and another man. His phone call to a lawyer currently has half a million views.

SpaceX is a ‘go’ to launch astronauts to the International Space Station on Halloween. They decided to go with astronauts since they couldn’t find any washed-up sci-fi TV actors in time.

Viral video shows a swimmer in Campo Grande, Brazil being pursued by an alligator, who bites his torso before freeing him and swimming away. The alligator is heard yelling at the man that this is a “locals only” spot.

Keanu Reeves gifted engraved Rolex watches to four stuntmen after they completed filming of ‘John Wick 4’. Onc of the watches was swiped and Reeves spent two hours tracking the thief down and shooting him and about 75 other people.

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Senator Rand Paul claims “hatred for Trump” is preventing clinical trials of the livestock dewormer Ivermectin as a means of curing COVID-19. Doctors say there’s nothing stopping Sen. Paul from doing his own trial anytime he wants.

The U.S. completed its pullout from Afghanistan, but promised to call or text in a day or two.

The Taliban said it will permit women to attend university, but mixing of genders in classes and activities will not be allowed. They then introduced the new all-male cheer squad at Kabul University.

An alligator attacked and killed a man at his Louisiana home flooded by Hurricane Ida. Prior to the attack, the alligator asked if the man had anything to eat, and the he told the alligator “no”.

The Caldor Fire is forcing evacuations near Lake Tahoe, California. The fire has spent a week in Lake Tahoe, equalling the seven-night record of Frank Sinatra.

Former champion Andy Murray was incensed after losing his opening-round U.S. Open match to #3 seed Stefanos Tsitsipas, claiming he manipulated the match with unneeded timeouts and bathroom breaks. For his part, the winner said he just really needed to take a Tsitsipiss.

IKEA is conducting a trial where it will buy back gently-used furniture. The furniture needs to be correctly assembled, so nobody’s shown up yet.

China banned online videogames for school children from Monday through Thursday, and will only allow three hours of gaming on the weekends. The decision led to both a spike in Fortnite wins for American & European kids, and record sales of Pornhub Premium subscriptions in China.

Jennifer Lopez wore a multipiece Dolce & Gabbana outfit in Venice, but left the price tag on the cape. Onlookers questioned the authenticity of the clothes, since the tag was from TJ Maxx.

A judge in Ohio ordered a hospital to treat a 51-year-old COVID patient – described by his wife as being ‘at death’s door’ – with livestock deworming medication Ivermectin. He then ordered the man’s ventilator be used on a cow that’s having breathing trouble.

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The latest winner of the James Dyson Award for innovation converted rotting and expired crops into renewable energy. The runner up converted rotting and expired crops into Taco Bell menu items.

Scientists testing 75 sunscreens found they all contained a cancer-causing chemical: Diet Coke.

Fitbit is introducing snoring & noise detection to its sleep tracking metrics, and will also count the steps once you’re kicked out of bed and walk to the couch.

Bill Cosby was denied parole because he refuses ongoing therapy for sexual predators. That, and he tried putting Tylenol PM in the therapist’s tea.

Some Nest Learning Thermostats are reportedly shutting off air conditioning units after their latest software update. The update, version 6.1.1-2, was code-named “Yeah? Well it’s STILL too damn cold in here.”

An alligator was spotted in the Susquehanna River in northern Pennsylvania. The alligator is described as being 3 to 4 feet long, and extremely lonely.

Studies of Mediterranean ants show the worker ants will carry their queen to far-away nests to mate, as a way of avoiding inbreeding. Conversely, Mississippi ants are fine with inbreeding, since the kids are only going to do manual labor anyway.

Kroger will give away $5 million to people getting COVID-19 vaccinations at their stores. The winners funds will be loaded on to a shoppers club card that’s paired with the microchip in the vaccine.

The COVID-19 virus variant originally found in India has been identified in Oregon. The Indian buffet also offers five other variants.

Kim Kardashian blamed flunking the ‘baby bar’ exam on COVID-19 – which, coincidentally, was her score on the 800-point test.

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A huge forest fire continues to burn across parts of New Jersey. State officials are hoping to make it go away by billing it for insurance and property taxes.

NASA’s solar orbiters captured video of the sun releasing a huge plasma ejection. Then the sun cleared its browser history and smoked a cigarette.

Andrew Giuliani, son of Rudy, announced he’s running for Governor of New York at a press event at Empire State Total Landscaping.

Government doctors advise colorectal screenings should start at age 45, because patients are nicer to look at than they are at 50 or 60.

China landed its first-ever rover on Mars. It’ll begin sending data back to China’s space agency in about two weeks, after it completes registration at the Mars Department of Motor Vehicles.

A Long Branch, New Jersey police officer was arrested for operating a meth lab in his house. Asked why he did it, he said he wanted to win the blue ribbon in the New Jersey State Fair cook-off.

A new report claims McDonald’s franchises are bypassing food safety protocols to keep ice cream machines working. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying they don’t have food safety protocols.

A father in Maine was arrested after his two-year-old son shot him & his wife with a Glock 9mm handgun. The man surrendered to police at the hospital, but only after complying with the shooter’s demands to turn on Paw Patrol.

For the first time in its history, NBC won’t have a sitcom on their fall tv schedule. This, after the pilot for ‘Untitled Chris D’Elia/Tony Hinchcliffe Project’ tested poorly. [story h/t to D.J.]

A six-foot alligator chased terrified pedestrians in a Wendy’s parking lot in Lehigh Acres, Florida. They were less scared, however, when they were later chased by Son of Alligator.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.

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Michael Phelps lost his race with a great white shark during an event to kick off Discovery Channel Shark Week. The result is not yet official, since the shark has yet to submit a urine sample.

  • Phelps told Jimmy Fallon he wished he could have swam in the open water instead of a protective cage. The shark agreed.

An alligator was spotted and captured swimming near a pier in Miami Beach. Alligators are fresh water creatures, but experts assume it left for the beach because there are more people to eat there.

Donald Trump dedicated the newest naval aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. Somehow the aircraft carrier received a 35% approval rating in a Washington Post poll.

Reports say Trump has been consulting his legal experts regarding the extent of his Presidential power to pardon. Given the number of family and staff under Federal investigation, “A Thousand Pardons” may go from being an Asian cliche to being Trump’s exit strategy.

Chris Froome won his 3rd consecutive Tour de France. Froome said his title effort took a lot of tainted blood, tainted sweat & tainted tears.

The Department of Labor ordered Wells Fargo Bank to rehire a manager who acted as whistleblower in the company’s fake account scandal, and to pay her $577,500 in back wages. Wells Fargo plans to appeal the ruling and will place the money in six checking accounts that she never asked for.

The robbery of a Fresno CA Starbucks by a man wearing a Transformers mask was foiled when a customer hit him over the head with a chair. The Decepticon was captured and the hero transformed back in to a cappuccino machine.

A Detroit real estate company ad sparked outrage. The Bedrock Detroit outdoor ad with the slogan “See Detroit Like We Do” depicted mostly white people, despite the City of Detroit being 82% black. The ad was removed, and still nobody is all that interested in seeing Detroit.

The Estate of Albert Einstein corrected an Ivanka Trump tweet, which incorrectly attributed a quote “If the facts don’t support the theory, change the facts” to Einstein, even though he never said it. Ivanka replied “there you go, changing the facts.”

Snooty, the world’s oldest manatee in captivity, died just days after his 69th birthday – as the nationwide opioid epidemic claims yet another victim.

Warner Bros and DC Comics announced a Wonder Woman sequel at San Diego Comic Con, after meeting Diana Prince’s demands to be paid ‘Bruce Wayne money’.