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Amazon will spend $700 million retraining a third of its workforce by 2025 – retraining them to work somewhere else when they’re replaced by a robot.

A Japanese hotel built a lifesize Boeing 737 flight simulator into one of its rooms. To operate it, you have to rent the hotel room, and then prove that you’re drunk.

Privacy advocates are concerned by reports that Google has humans listening to, and transcribing, questions asked to Google Assistant. For their part, the humans are bored typing “Hey Google, how late is Wendy’s open?” thousands of times.

Video captured off the South Carolina coast by the NOAA Ocean Exploration & Research team shows a large, bony, wreckfish swallowing a shark whole. The video continues with the wreckfish swimming to a Charleston Walgreen’s for antacid.

The group One Million Moms is calling for a boycott of Toy Story 4 over a scene where a lesbian couple is dropping off their child at school, saying it’s a subtle nod to LGBT normalcy. However, Woody & Buzz thought it was kinda hot.

The CDC declared West Virginia the Most Obese U.S. State, with 38% of residents considered obese, and the other 62% thinner, but mostly because of opioids.

A Tucson, Arizona driver was charged with DUI after his car crossed the median and slammed into a giant saguaro cactus, which went through the windshield. He refused a breathalyzer, so the cops just held it up to the many holes in his face.

Clay County, Missouri police tweeted that they’d apprehended a fugitive suspect wanted for drug possession when he loudly farted while hiding, giving up his location. The cops then assumed he was armed and fired 30 rounds at him.

Nicole Kidman posted on Instagram that she’d gotten a dog for the first time in her life. The dog described her as “pretty stuck-up”.

President Trump spoke about kidney health, saying “kidneys have a special place in the heart” – leading Americans to wonder how he survives without either.

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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.

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Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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A Washington state man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun hidden in his pants. Police told him he had the right to remain silent, because they were afraid of what he had hidden in his mouth. [story h/t to J.O.]

Cable giant Comcast is developing an in-home device that monitors health and provides help when it detects users having a serious medical episode. By ‘help’, it means allowing you to pay your final bill with voice commands before you die.

Sylvester Stallone kept the two pet turtles – ‘Cuff’ and ‘Link’ – from the original Rocky film in the mid-70s, and reports that they’re each alive and 44 years old. Like Stallone, they’ve each been married and divorced several times.

Brian Hickerson, boyfriend of actress Hayden Panetierre, has been hit with a restraining order following a domestic violence arrest. He’s been ordered to stay 100 yards away, but was given a telescope so he can see the 4-foot-11-inch actress from a distance to make sure he’s complying.

Students from the University of Southern California’s Rocket Propulsion Lab are the first in-school team to send a rocket outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Hollywood celebrities took note and are paying six figures to get their kids on USC’s Rocket Team.

Paramount Pictures pushed back the release of Sonic the Hedgehog three months, to February 14, 2020. The added time is needed to update Sonic visual effects, and for a marketing campaign touting it as the Perfect Valentine’s Day Breakup Movie.

Retired NFL QB Donovan McNabb told TMZ he believes he should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, since he has better career numbers than Dallas Cowboys’ HOF QB Troy Aikman. McNabb concedes that Aikman has more Super Bowl rings, but he out-vomited Aikman in Super Bowls.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are reportedly attempting to trademark the name of their newest child, Psalm. If successful, churches will no longer be able to refer to Psalms by name, instead calling them ‘good ol’ catchy prayers from the back of the Bible’.

Simon Cowell said he’s lost twenty pounds on a vegan diet. He says he feels great and is still a huge dick.

Amazon is now offering free tours of its Fulfillment Centers, so visitors as young as 6 years old can learn how corporate slavery works.

 

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CVS Pharmacy launched same-day prescription delivery. It works pretty well the first day, but then the day after you get lots of questions, say oxy addicts.

The third person in as many weeks fell to their death in the Grand Canyon. The last words he heard were his family yelling “I told you we should have gone to Disneyland.”

Mick Jagger underwent surgery to replace a heart valve, after postponing the Rolling Stones tour and telling his cardiologist “I can’t get no circulation”.

Snapchat added in-app games. Users can now play puzzle, adventure and shooting games using photos of their genitals.

The Mormon Church will now allow same-sex couples to baptize their children, saying that just because their parents are gay doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t grow up to be religious kooks.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers claim a fake bomb threat was used to install video cameras in the Orchids of Asia massage parlor, with Jupiter Police citing a “suspicious package”. By ‘suspicious package’, the spa owner thought they meant an uncircumcised guy.

Amazon lowered prices at Whole Foods, saying Prime Members aren’t spending enough money there. They say if price cuts don’t work, they may change the store’s name to Junk Foods.

Microsoft changed its Windows 10 upgrade policy. Instead of forcing upgrades, it will now allow users to decide when to crash their PCs with the latest version.

President Trump said he’s giving Mexico one year to reduce drug trafficking into the U.S. or else he’ll close the border. If he doesn’t see improvement, he’s also taking away their video games.

Actress Charlize Theron said that she’s been single for ten years, adding “somebody needs to grow a pair and step up”. She’s since been asked out by several lesbians who augmented their breasts.

 

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A Fairfield, Ohio substitute teacher was removed from a middle school classroom after he allegedly masturbated behind the desk with students present.  School officials also confiscated the movie he was showing in health class.

A Mississippi man had his leg amputated following a duck hunting accident, when his dog stepped on a gun and it fired, hitting him. Since the incident occurred in Mississippi, the dog was not charged because he’s allowed to own & fire a gun without a permit.

Pizza Hut is expanding its beer delivery service to over 1,000 locations before summer. Pizza Hut executives say the top question customers ask when adding beer to an order is if they can cancel the pizza.

The New York Police Department closed sexual assault investigations into celebrity chef Mario Batali without filing charges – although detectives are not ruling out new menu items.

Oxford Pennant, a local business in Buffalo, NY, is hoping to improve the city’s reputation by holding a sweepstakes to win a two-night all-expenses-paid trip to the city. So far, they’ve received 28,000 entries from Guatemalan asylum-seekers.

Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie filed for divorce.  Bezos then signed on to Amazon, and his ‘Recommendations For You’ already featured five different supermodels.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports the United States has a record 1.4 billion pound surplus of cheese. “We’re doing all we can” said mice eating queso at Chipotle.

Amazon has an under-the-radar program that sends select customers free samples of items such as coffee and dog food.  Customers writing reviews saying they didn’t like the taste of the dog food are removed from the program.

United is the first U.S. airline to take delivery of the massive new 300-passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It has extra-wide aisles for dragging overbooked Economy passengers from the plane and special storage for animals that die on board.

NBC News reports that the U.S. Government shutdown is forcing the FDA to suspend routine food safety inspections. Or, as the FDA calls it, a Romaine Holiday.

 

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Two female bachelorettes competing on Asian tv show ‘Bachelor: Vietnam’ have reportedly dropped out of the competition so that they could have a romantic relationship with each other. This confused The Bachelor, who thought he was going to be part of the show’s first threesome.

A class action suit being brought by Asian-Americans is alleging racial bias in Harvard University’s student admissions process. “See, I knew it was fixed!” said an Asian kid with an 1100 combined SAT score in his dorm at Arizona State.

Apple acquired music analytics firm Asaii, which claims that its algorithms filter social media and streaming music to predict which unsigned artists will become “the next Justin Bieber.” So far, Asaii has found zero Justin Biebers and millions of Annoying Friends asking you to come watch them sing Taylor Swift covers at open mic.

Apple released a series of Apple Watch ‘how to’ videos over the weekend. They include “How to start a workout”; “How to use Emergency SOS”; and “How to corner your friends and coworkers into asking about your new Apple Watch.”

President Trump was interviewed on 60 Minutes and said that he treated alleged sexual assault victim Christine Blasey Ford with respect, adding that it doesn’t matter because “we won”. It was unclear in Trump’s mind whether “we” referred to conservatives, or men who get away with sexual assault.

Scientists at Caltech and University of Quebec have developed the world’s fastest camera, capable of capturing 10 trillion frames per second. The camera can capture the progress of a beam of light in slow motion, but the scientists’ dads still managed to take out-of-focus photos of their own necks pointing it the wrong way.

In a posthumously published book, physicist Stephen Hawking warns the unchecked growth of artificial intelligence could wipe out humanity. Hawking warns humans will need to build safeguards to slow down super robots, such as coding kill switches or making the robots want to eat at Chipotle.

Sears declared bankruptcy after being unable to make a $134 million debt payment that was due on Monday. Sears tried to raise the cash by returning truckloads of Craftsman tools and Toughskins jeans to Amazon, but they were only offered store credit.

Sony PlayStation 4 owners are reportedly seeing their consoles seize up and crash due to a malicious message. The message is from the gamers’ moms saying if they don’t get jobs, they’re smashing the PlayStation.

A new viral Facebook hoax has emerged, this one warning of the dangers of cloned accounts. Facebook says safeguards are in place to prevent cloning, but that users whose friends have a cloned account may enjoy the ability to unfriend them twice.

 

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Facebook and Instagram are adding dashboards to help track time spent on social media. “Wow, four hours a day is a lot of bullying!” said a cyberbully.

A survey from personal finance website Finder.com found that gin drinkers are the biggest “drunk shoppers” on Amazon. They were also the biggest “drunk shoppers” at brick & mortar stores before racking up so many DUIs.

Thieves stole two of Sweden’s crown jewels in a daring daylight heist in Stockholm. The criminals escaped in a speedboat and are still at large, despite Sweden putting all six of its cops on the case.

All 103 persons aboard an Aeromexico flight that crashed on Wednesday morning survived. Air travel experts weighed in on how everyone lived, saying that ‘tequila keeps everybody pretty relaxed.’

A man unknowingly rescued old books from a dumpster that had once belonged to Thomas Jefferson. Some were volumes by French theologian Pierre Charron – most were compilations of letters to 1800s Penthouse Forum about sex with black women.

A flight attendants union is petitioning the Department of Transportation to regulate the temperature aboard commercial aircraft. With the rise of sexually aggressive behavior on planes, the flight attendants are trying to eliminate any reason for weirdos to remove their shirts and pants.

Charlie Sheen is asking a judge to modify his child support, saying that he’s been unable to find steady work, and is in a “dire financial crisis” with less than $10 million in assets. Sheen is requesting that he be allowed to pay child support with cocaine.

The winners were announced in the New York State Craft Beer Competition. The big winner was Threes Brewing from Brooklyn, which took two medals; the big loser was Genesee, which took several judges’ livers.

Ivanka Trump shared an opinion that diverged from her father’s, saying she doesn’t think the media is the ‘enemy of the people’. She added that she thinks media is “hilarious” and “Boo! A Media Halloween” is her favorite Tyler Perry movie.

Thanks to a new law, catcallers in Paris face $870 on-the-spot fines for verbal sexual harassment. Police have yet to collect any money, though, since the male undercover cops they’ve been using to stroll past construction sites aren’t that hot.

Madonna said that Donald Trump’s presidency led her to move her family to Portugal – just in case anyone is struggling to find a positive outcome of the Trump presidency.

 

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The Center for Whale Research reported that a mourning mother orca carried the body of its dead baby for several days in the Pacific Ocean. The mother orca also tore the heads off of several sharks who told unfortunate ‘dead baby’ jokes.

Alt-rock band Jimmy Eat World took to Twitter to give the origin story for their band name. Most people gave it a half-minute then switched on to something else.

Moviepass reportedly ran out of cash to pay for its subscribers’ movie tickets last week, causing an outage in the service while they secured more funding. In the meantime, the Moviepass app gave advice on which theater exit doors were the easiest to open from the outside and sneak in.

Gun control advocates are trying to stop the August 1st release of files for plastic firearms to be made on 3D printers. Terrorists are already fighting with each other over guns they’ve tried printing, since they don’t know what it means to “open door A and clear jam.”

A recruiting manager for Amazon told Business Insider the biggest mistake applicants make on their resumes is emphasizing big-name companies and lofty job titles instead of achievements. She said communicating your results is the key to Amazon picking you for a $14/hour job with 90-second timed bathroom breaks.

In Palo Alto, California, a 17-year-old boy broke into a couple’s home and demanded to use their wifi, telling one homeowner that he’d run out of cellular data. He was shoved out of the house and captured shortly thereafter, with police dubbing him The Boost Mobile Bandit.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti claims that in addition to Daniels and Playmate Karen McDougal, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to at least 3 more women with whom he had sexual affairs. Avenatti is seeking to get their names, to meet his goal of having at least 4 female clients with ginormous boobs.

A woman in Scotland capturing video of a thunderstorm on her iPhone was struck by lightning, and claims that the rubber case she’d placed on the phone that day saved her life. Not only that, but she now says she can recharge her phone just by holding it.

Police in Navarro County, Texas used bulldozers to access and seize a five-acre marijuana growing compound. To ward off potential thieves, the growers had placed a scarecrow in a hammock holding an assault rifle. “Wasn’t me” confirmed NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch.