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A 7-year-old boy in Perkasie, Pennsylvania found a cache of hand grenades in his backyard. The boy is unharmed, but successfully negotiated three straight nights of ice cream for dinner.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission, which no longer uses human toll-takers, said their system of billing users by scanning license plates has left them with over $100 million in unpaid tolls, over $30,000 from a vehicle known only as FAK-PLAT.

New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attended the Met Gala in a white floor-length gown with the phrase TAX THE RICH in red letters on the back. Fashion experts said the gown was exquisite, and her ass looked RICH.

Gay rapper Lil Nas X also attended the Met Gala, then left to attend an orgy, the Meat Gala.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly quarantining after several cases of COVID-19 broke out in his entourage. Meanwhile, Putin’s COVID-positive associates are being treated with bullets.

Tanya Fear, a British actress who appeared in the series ‘Doctor Who‘, has been found after being reported missing in Los Angeles. Los Angeles Police enlisted the help of Doctor Where.

A 22-year-old woman disappeared while on a cross-country trip with her boyfriend. She was last seen in person on August 23rd, and last seen online August 24th where she Tinder matched with a grizzly bear.

Rapper Blueface faces assault charges after violently attacking the doorman at a California club. The doorman was taken to an area hospital, where he is now known as Bruiseface.

Nicki Minaj was dragged on Twitter for a post claiming her cousin’s friend’s wedding was called off after he received the COVID vaccine and his testicles became swollen. Minaj reportedly had the vaccine in her buttocks and those got really big also.

Apple issued an Urgent Software Update to protect against a vulnerability in its iMessage platform – adding that the iOS download and install is the most important three hours you’ll spend today.

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China updated its policies to allow families up to three children, because those iPhones aren’t going to build themselves.

Apple extended their remote office work until January, 2022 – unless your office is an iPhone factory, in which case get your ass to work right away.

Tesla introduced Tesla Bots – humanoid robots that use the same artificial intelligence and cameras found in Tesla cars. The first Tesla Bots turned on their auto pilot function and died sprinting into bridge abutments.

The FDA gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to treat COVID-19 – but, in a rare “I-told-you-so moment”, also gave full approval to Clorox for injecting bleach.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant with her second baby fathered by rapper Travis Scott. Her first child is named Stormi, she plans to name this one Dark.

The Pentagon is ordering U.S. airlines help evacuate American citizens and Afghan visa holders from Kabul after the Taliban’s violent takeover. Evacuees assigned to Spirit Airlines decided to wait a few days to see what their options are.

Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly asking staffers if anyone wants to keep his dog, Captain, after he leaves the Governor’s mansion. So far, no takers, as Captain faces 13 different allegations of unwanted leg-humping.

After Mike Richards resigned following accusations of sexual harassment and misogyny, critics want Mayim Bialik fired from her Jeopardy! hosting duties over past statements on vaccines. At this rate, Levar Burton may never get hired because of the fight Geordi had with Captain Picard in 1987.

Former special education teacher-turned-OnlyFans porn star Courtney Tillia said the platform’s ban on pornography will hurt her financially, but she won’t return to teaching. “Damn”, said her special education students.

Google Maps expanded support for e-bike and scooter rental services, so you can get directions to the emergency room when you get struck by a car on your e-bike or scooter.

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Apple says they’re going ‘all in’ on 5G technology in 2022, with factories hiring thousands of fifth graders.

Jeff Bezos gifted $100 million ‘Courage & Civility’ Awards to chef Jose Andres and CNN anchor Van Jones, so they can continue charitable work. Finalists are not yet announced for the Donald Trump ‘Cowardice & Hostility’ awards, but multiple January 6th rioters are in the running.

Joe Pytka, director of the original ‘Space Jam‘ movie, said ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy” is so boring he couldn’t finish it in one sitting. It’s one of the most scathing criticisms an 82-year-old has ever leveled against a children’s cartoon.

Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular gay-friendly Cape Cod tourist destination, is experiencing a surge in COVID cases, causing officials to require guests & residents to wear masks with mouth holes.

The Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA title, but gunfire outside their home arena in the postgame celebration sent three people to the hospital with Buckshot wounds .

A COVID-positive Indonesian man was arrested for disguising himself as his wife so he could board a domestic flight on a local airline. He was discovered by the drunken groper in the adjacent seat.

“Floating breakfast” is a growing trend in the hospitality industry; it describes breakfast served in pools or hot tubs at luxury resorts, or, at Ramada Inns, the continental breakfast dumped into the toilet.

Kanye West threw a listening party for his new album in Las Vegas, which morphed into traffic jam at the parking lot exit halfway through the listening party.

Cecil County Maryland broke ground on what will be the biggest Great Wolf Lodge, a 700-room hotel and largest indoor water park – also home to the world’s largest concentration of water-borne bacteria.

A Philadelphia bakery apologized after making a cake honoring a police officer’s service anniversary with a Philadelphia Police Department logo reading ‘Coffee Donuts Corruption’ instead of ‘Honor Integrity Service’. The cop still ate the cake along with coffee & donuts.

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Domestic homicide is up 138% this year in Philadelphia. Philly – where families that stay together, slay together.

Apple fired Antonio Garcia, author of ‘Chaos Monkeys‘, after 2,000 employees signed a petition protesting the sexist & racist views expressed in his book. He expressed disappointment, saying he’d just finished a follow-up, ‘Empowerment Monkeys‘.

Ohio announced a million-dollar-a-week lottery prize to encourage residents to get a COVID vaccine. The winners are unknown, but so far 200 losers have died of overdoses.

Amazon Studios is spending $465 million dollars for a single-season of its ‘Lord of the Rings’ tv series. Studio chief Jennifer Salke defended the spending, saying the dragons wouldn’t work for less than $2 million per show.

Grimes said she suffered a panic attack several days after appearing on Saturday Night Live, when she forgot how to spell X Æ A-12 at the pediatrician’s office.

Actress Gal Gadot posted a Tweet calling for peace between Israel and Palestine, but disabled comments after hundreds of angry replies, including “Shut up, Diana” – posted by arch-nemesis Cheetah.

Chick-fil-A is facing a sauce shortage. It’s so bad, customers are encouraging employees to spit in it to stretch what they have.

American Airlines is returning meal service to domestic first-class flights over 1,500 miles. Spirit Airlines is returning its meal service, a single 6-foot party sub that gets passed around the cabin, with every passenger taking a bite if they want to.

University of South Carolina’s president resigned after plagiarizing his commencement speech, and congratulating graduates of the “University of California”. He then invited graduates to collect their diplomas, bong hits and jello shots.

NBC announced ‘This Is Us’ will end after season 6, leading husbands and boyfriends everywhere to delightedly shout ‘This Is Over’.

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Space debris from a Chinese rocket will fall to Earth, but nobody knows where. Experts believe it will land in a body of water, because that’s typically where you find a Chinese junk.

An armed suspect took hostages at a Wells Fargo bank in Minnesota. He was arrested, but only after bank employees got his name and created three checking accounts he didn’t ask for.

56-year-old Paulina Porizkova’s full-frontal-nude Vogue magazine cover was unretouched. Although in many cases it has been smeared by older men purchasing their first-ever copy of Vogue.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli reportedly stayed at a luxury resort following their release from prison, according to the maid who had to clean the toilet where they made wine.

Of all the new retail stores opening in the U.S. this year, half will be dollar stores. If a $15 national minimum wage is passed, they’ll be dollar-fifty stores.

Google Photos’ free unlimited photo storage ends on June 1st. In response, Apple is reminding users that it will continue free unlimited photo deletion whenever you try to backup iCloud.

The Hollywood Reporter claims producers are workign on a Black Superman movie. The villain is unnamed, but everyone’s pretty certain it’ll be a white guy with dreadlocks. [story h/t to J.M.!]

Doctors at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia discovered a new disease that prevents the formation of antibodies in humans. It’s an antivaxx Mommy blog started by a patient’s mother.

Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner are building adjacent mansions outside of Los Angeles. This way, it’s easier for Khloe to cry on Kris’ shoulder when one of her boyfriends cheats on her.

A new study finds sharks use the earth’s magnetic field like a compass during long-distance migrations. However, when hungry, they prefer to ask other sharks for directions to the nearest swimmer they can eat.

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Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

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Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth, died at age 99. Prince Harry & Meghan Markle asked for privacy during this difficult time until they can schedule interviews about it.

Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer, Alabama appear to have voted not to unionize. To celebrate, billionaire Jeff Bezos will give all the workers new pee bottles, and a pizza party where they’ll be served by the robots that will eventually fire them.

Facebook is testing labels on Pages created by people & organizations. So far, the labels include ‘fan page’, ‘satire page’, & ‘public official’ – but could expand to include ‘abandoned page’, ‘conspiracy kook page’ and ‘page Trump is using to dodge his ban’.

Apple is reportedly delaying some new product introductions because of a supply shortage – specifically, a shortage of teenagers to build them.

Singer Chris Brown’s Porsche was damaged in a chain-reaction collision of valet-parked cars outside of an L.A. club. Brown dismissed the accident, saying “I’ve got ten of these (cars)” before summoning an Uber driver he could punch in the face.

A billboard, ‘Matt Gaetz Wants To Date Your Child’, was put up in Florida – paid for by Matt Gaetz.

Khloe Kardashian, who attempted to get an unauthorized, unretouched bikini photo take off the Internet, posted her own unedited photo to Instagram. “Not bad” said her boyfriend Tristan Thompson, while in bed with some woman he hooked up with.

Gene Suellentrop, a Kansas GOP State Senator, reportedly called the arresting officer ‘donut boy’ when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Suellentrop disputed the claim, saying he was just asking directions to the nearest location of Donut Boy.

Japanese doctors performed the first-ever lung transplant from living donors to a COVID-19 patient. All are in stable condition, but the donors need extra time to catch their breath.

An interstate highway outside Philadelphia was closed when a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of gallons of syrup. Philadelphia police assisted first responders, then sat on guardrails and ate their shoes.

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Following a racially-charged argument between co-hosts Sharon Osbourne and Sheryl Underwood, ‘The Talk’ is on temporary hiatus, and will be replaced with ‘The Awkward Interracial Silence’.

Soleil Moon Frye, better known as ‘Punky Brewster’ revealed in her new documentary ‘Kid 90’ that she lost her virginity at age 18 to then-29-year-old Charlie Sheen. She described the encounter as ‘magical’, because she somehow didn’t contract herpes.

Facebook will pay news outlets to display their content in Australia. However, they’ve yet to agree to terms to pay Australian moms for gossip about who’s cheating on who.

Calls are growing for Donald Trump to urge his skeptical supporters to get a COVID-19 vaccine, since he’s been vaccinated. Calls are also growing for Trump to jump off a bridge, for the obvious good example that will set among his followers.

TIME Magazine features trans actor Elliot [formerly Ellen] Page on the cover. In a profile article, Elliot said he had his breasts removed, which has ‘transformed his life’ while ‘severely dropping his bench press’.

Tiger Woods signed a new deal with game publisher 2K to appear in their PGA Tour video game series. You’ll be able to play as Tiger, meaning you can drive into the rough and miss the entire season.

Trevor Lawrence, expected to be selected first overall in the NFL Draft, traveled to Las Vegas for a bachelor party ahead of his April wedding. There, he watched film of strippers before making his draft picks for the party.

Katrina Parrott, an African-American woman who invented diverse skin tones for emoji, is suing Apple for stealing her idea. She’s angry enough to have developed a new reddish-black tone.

For the first time, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences nominated two women to lose the Oscar to one of three men in the Best Director category.

Scientists used 3D sound mapping to unlock the secret of why hummingbirds hum. Long story short, all that flapping makes it hard to hold a note.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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McDonald’s is bringing back Spicy McNuggets, after the FDA found they kill the coronavirus on customer’s unwashed hands.

Most U.S. states have reported cases of the U.K. coronavirus variant. People with the virus feel terrible, except for 3 to 4pm when the virus breaks for tea.

Messaging platform Discord shut down the WallStreetBets server, where individual investors had rallied to counter hedge fund positions in GameStop stock. Since 98% of the group was already on an Incel [Involuntarily Celibate] group server, it wasn’t a big deal.

Spacewalking astronauts attempted to fix a European science platform outside the International Space Station. One European astronaut died when he lifted his facemask after stepping outside to smoke.

A new study claims reflected light from the full moon changes people’s sleep patterns without their realizing it. It also changes sleep patterns of people who do realize it as they run from werewolves.

Apple is reportedly testing a virtual reality headset, that you can wear to imagine being someone who has $1,200 to spend on an iPhone.

Facebook’s Independent Oversight Board met for the first time, overturning several decisions to remove posts, including some involving adult nudity. So, see for yourself if you think Stormy Daniels accurately described Donald Trump’s hog.

Students at Liberty High in Florida – where school resource officer Ethan Fournier was recorded body-slamming a female student – want Fournier fired. The Chemistry Club has also cancelled Fournier’s order for tear gas.

COVID-sniffing dogs checked arriving fans at a Miami Heat game for the first time. Things went smoothly, but the dogs were shocked that Snausages cost $9 each.

People stranded in a snowstorm in Oregon while returning from a COVID vaccine clinic used leftover vaccines to innoculate other stranded motorists. Oregon officials told impatient seniors not to drive their cars into snow drifts to speed things up.