By |

A porch pirate in New Jersey stole a new cell phone delivery while posing as an Amazon driver. He then sent the victim a picture of the phone on his own porch and requested feedback.

A black bear was spotted roaming through backyards in Newark Delaware. It’s believed to be lost while looking for neighboring Bear, Delaware.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk will build a $4.1 billion facility to manufacture weight loss drugs Wegovy & Ozempic. They’re also spending a billion dollars on McDonald’s franchises just to make sure demand keeps up.

Pandas are returning to the San Diego Zoo for the first time in years, scheduled to arrive via Panda Express.

A bride in Australia went viral for a video of her walking down the aisle while telling guests to put their mobile phones away. Women were disappointed at not being able to record the bride; men were angry missing the football game.

Health officials are warning of fake Botox. They advise patients to ask their doctors for the real Botox when they want to look fake.

The City of Philadelphia opened all of its municipal pools and spray parks – offering residents who want to cool off the choice of being sprayed with water or bullets.

Surgeons performed a kidney transplant on a man who remained awake the entire time. Representatives from the Guinness Book of Records were on hand to present the man’s award for World’s Worst Health Insurance.

Bubbles the Chimp, longtime pet of the late Michael Jackson, turned 41 years old at the Florida animal sanctuary where he lives and receives twice-weekly trauma therapy.

Parisians angry about the cost of cleaning the River Seine for the Paris Olympics plan to defecate in it as a protest, along with dozens of others who have no idea there’s a protest going on.

By |

‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

By |

Philadelphia 76ers guard Kelly Oubre Jr was the victim of a hit-and-run after the side mirror of a car struck him and broke his rib. Nevertheless, an NBA referee assessed Oubre with a blocking foul for moving when he was hit.

A FedEx employee is charged with stealing $99,000 worth of gold coins from a package. He was released on bail, and the coins were forwarded to their intended recipient, Scrooge McDuck.

The Marvels bombed at the global box office, turning in the lowest ticket sales ever for a Marvel Cinematic Universe film on its opening weekend. MCU Executive Producer Kevin Feige is now considering halting production on Ant Man’s Spring Break.

NASA astronauts Jasmin Moghbeli and Loral O’Hara completed maintenance during a spacewalk outside the International Space Station in just over six hours, despite dropping their tool bag. They spent twenty minutes tightening screws, and five hours floating to the ISS Home Depot for a new wrench.

Texas A&M fired head football coach Jimbo Fisher, but will pay him the $77 million remaining on his $95 million contract. Fisher said $95 million feels like fair payment for having to spend the past six years of his life living in Southeast Texas.

As prices of olives and olive oil surge, olive growers in Greece say thieves are cutting down trees and stealing them – resulting in some of the lowest-speed police pursuits ever recorded.

Barry Manilow explained why he didn’t come out as gay until 2017 – saying he assumed everyone figured it out in 1977.

Travis Kelce used the Kansas City Chiefs bye week to fly to Argentina and attend a Taylor Swift concert – while other single Chiefs teammates stayed in Missouri and had sex with several different women that no one’s ever heard of.

The New York Post reports that some migrants bused from the Southern Border to Chicago are deciding to return to their home country because the city’s resources are depleted. The migrants were given the choice of returning home, or giving it a go in Cleveland.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend Victoria Lamas was denied entry into the actor’s 49th birthday party. Lamas reportedly showed her ID and was turned away because she was over 21.

By |

Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.

By |

Reddit introduced comment searching, making it quicker to find your favorite examples of racism, sexism & right-wing extremism.

Cardi B & husband Offset revealed the name of their newborn son, Wave. They also shared the baby’s first photos – Wave to the camera.

Ramiro Alanis of Florida saw ‘Spider Man: No Way Home’ in theatres 292 times between December, 2021 and March, 2022, breaking the world record for single viewings of a film. Alanis spent $3,400 on tickets, and $43,000 removing a popcorn blockage in his colon.

Bird experts advise temporarily taking down bird feeders and bird baths to slow the spread of Bird Flu. They also say you shouldn’t put Nyquil in hummingbird feeders.

200 birds died of Bird Flu at a Chicago-area forest preserve. Officials say this is the first time they’ve seen this many dead creatures in Chicago without bullet holes.

The United States and United Kingdom are each investigating mysterious cases of hepatitis in children as early as 1-year-old. They say finding the root cause is challenging because they’re too young to have eaten at Taco Bell.

A$AP Rocky is denying rumors that he cheated on, and split from, pregnant partner Rihanna. He said the press obviously has him confused with his cousin A$AP Horny.

A Chinese race car driver on a frozen lake drifted for 3.87 miles, breaking the world record for longest continuous drift. Meanwhile, in a spring snowstorm in Winnipeg, Canada, a different Chinese driver drifted for three blocks and broke the world record for hitting parked cars.

High end kitchenware retailer Sur La Table launched their first-ever furniture line, Sur La Overpriced Chairs.

An Elizabeth, New Jersey man was arrested and charged for running over a woman several times with his SUV. An official with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles called it “the worst driver’s test parallel parking I’ve ever seen”.

By |

The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

By |

Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.

By |

Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

By |

Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.

By |

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.