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Bad news: daily marijuana use leads to increased risk of head & neck cancer. Good news: you, like, totally can’t even feel the cancer in there, man.

A large geographic feature known both as the ‘Double Arch’ and the ‘Toilet Bowl’ collapsed near Lake Powell, Utah. It’s the largest toilet bowl collapse in a western state since NBC stopped filming The Biggest Loser.

The FDA approved a nasal spray that could eventually replace epi pens for emergency treatment of severe allergic reactions. It comes in honey or peanut scent for use on kids who’ve been stung by bees or eaten nuts.

Scientists found a new bacteria that feeds on microplastics. They discovered it when heating up a frozen meal in the microwave and seeing the tray had been eaten.

Starbucks hired Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol to run the global coffee chain. His first order of business is training workers to tell customers that cream & sugar are “a little extra..”.

Gum disease has been linked to Alzheimer’s. No word on whether dirty dentures are linked as well.

A 4.4 magnitude earthquake hit Los Angeles last week. Seismologists noted the quake arrived a half-hour late from its predicted time, then ended early to beat traffic.

Chuck E Cheese is now offering a Fun Pass – a monthly subscription program offering unlimited visits. Divorcing parents are buying Fun Passses and declaring Chuck E. the rat as having partial custody of their kids.

Jeff Bezos met with the Pope. It took the Pope two weeks to get on Bezos’ calendar. They spent about an hour discussing raking in billions while screwing adults, and children, respectively.

Spain’s Maria Morera, the world’s oldest person, died at age 117, following a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg illness.

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A shark bit a 14-year-old boy during a lifeguard training class in Florida. Organizers have since stopped lifeguards-in-training from trying CPR on sharks.

Google will begin offering “dark web reports” to all users in late July, so they can see who else besides Google is abusing their personal information.

Customers of Ticketmaster whose personal information may have been compromised in a hack have been told to sign up for a credit monitoring service, for a $75 convenience fee.

Hailey Welch of ‘Hawk Tuah’ viral fame surpassed 1 million Instagram followers. She’s now offering social media mentoring to her sister, Slurp Tuah.

Google Maps is now suggesting in-route ‘detours’ to sponsored advertisers’ destinations – leading to record enrollment in Google Ads training by truck stop prostitutes.

People Magazine published a list of 13 rules that men must follow to be cast on The Bachelorette – including agreement to 24-hour filming, cell phone confiscation, limited Internet access, and a psychological exam they’re required to fail.

Brazil’s Pantanal – the world’s largest wetland – is on fire. Responders have no choice but to make it even wetter.

Masked thieves stole $1,700 from a Chipotle restaurant in the Philadelphia suburbs. They’d originally taken $1,600, but then asked for a little extra.

Twitch streamer Sketch – who livestreams Madden NFL football video games – addressed the leak of OnlyFans porn he’d done years earlier. He expressed relief that he no longer had to hide it, but promised his football followers he’d no longer be spiked in the end zone.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly was a good samaritan, helping a drunk party guest at a bash in the Hamptons over the weekend. DiCaprio reported helped the man sober up to the point where he could give DiCaprio the phone number of his 21-year-old cousin.

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A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

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A large hole blew open in the passenger cabin of an Alaska Airlines jet mid-flight, sucking off the shirt of a boy seated nearby. It’s the first time a boy’s clothing has been sucked off in-flight since the Vatican’s annual Altar Boys Trip to Greece.

Following the incident, Alaska Airlines grounded its fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines emailed to ask if they were selling them and for how much.

A woman was found dead in South Philadelphia, impaled on an iron gate outside the Xfinity Live! sports bar. Her friends reportedly asked her to go with them to a different bar, but she was on the fence.

Following the firing of Head Coach Ron Rivera, Washington Commanders owner Josh Jacobs assembled an advisory group to guide team decisions, including Magic Johnson. Johnson told Jacobs to sign six kickers so they can make more 3-pointers.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin failed to notify the White House when he was hospitalized in intensive care on December 22nd. Austin apologized, but said with wars in Ukraine and Gaza, he didn’t want to drop another bomb on Joe Biden so close to Christmas.

Low-carb diets may not lead to weight loss, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and funded by The Grimace Institute.

After two days, rescuers successfully reached tourists & guides stuck in Slovenia’s Krizna Jama cave – which dropped 30 spots on Trip Advisor’s list of ‘Fun Things To Do In Slovenia’.

A group of dietitians released a list of the best foods to eat if you want healthy hair. Topping the list was the Chipotle Burrito Bowl, which contained the highest amount of healthy hair.

Pro-Palestinian protetors blocked traffic at three New York City bridges and the Holland Tunnel – to the delight of drivers getting extra time to text and scroll Instagram.

A Las Vegas felon – who went viral for diving over a judge’s bench & attacking her -will appear before her again. Added precautions are in place; the man will be handcuffed, and the trampoline in front of the bench will be removed.

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Restaurant chain Founding Farmers is being dragged for adding a 5% “wellness charge” to customer bills to subsidize employees paid vacation & health care. Meanwhile Waffle House quietly added a 5% “illness charge” to pay for customer trips to the emergency room.

A rabid raccoon attacked a student on the Princeton University campus. The raccoon remains at large, but is expected to show up for finals if it wants to keep its scholarship.

A woman who appears to be pregnant has been spotted on several doorbell cameras stealing packages in the Philadelphia suburbs. That, or she stole a basketball and forgot to put it in her trunk.

McDonald’s announced plans to open 10,000 new restaurants. Although bulls say they’re going to have a hard time making enough new cows.

Diabetes & weight-loss drunk Ozempic could be used to treat alcohol abuse. Doctors are hoping they have a new weapon to treat two-thirds of fat, drunk & stupid.

A new study links wasabi to ‘substantial’ boosts in memory – and to the introduction of new Flamin’ Hot Prevagen.

A woman who threw a hot burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle worker was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 60 days working a fast food job. Ironically, her job in jail pays better.

The final Republican Presidential Debate was held last night, with most observers saying Nikki Haley finished first – and Chris Christie last – in the all-important Swimsuit Competition.

Ken Hudson Campbell – who portrayed a local Santa in the original ‘Home Alone‘ – is the beneficiary of a GoFundMe to pay for his cancer surgery. He’s also kind of pissed that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest only gives money to children’s charities.

Daddy Yankee, rapper and King Of Reggaeton, announced he’s retiring from music to devote his life to Christ, and attend churchaton.

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A high school in a Philadelphia suburb mistakenly received a FedEx shipment of guns. The guns were forwarded to their rightful owner, but teachers held them and are kind of on board with guns in classrooms now.

Scientists say cooked mealworms have a meat-like flavor that could be added to fast food as a source of protein. “Way ahead of you” said the head chef at McDonald’s test kitchens.

Elon Musk is being criticized for using a private jet for a 9-minute flight from San Jose to San Francisco, a distance of 35 miles. Musk said he and a woman on board wanted to join the Quarter-Mile High Club.

A woman sued her psychiatrist for approving her gender transition to male after just one meeting. The woman no longer considers herself a man, but the psychiatrist still thinks she’s a dick.

Astronomers discovered a black hole so gaseous that it actually emitted noise in space. NASA plans to name the black hole, creating a bidding war betweeen Chipotle and Arby’s

An Oklahoma teacher was suspended after sharing a link to access books banned in her district via an online library. She plans a vigorous defense, that most of her students in Oklahoma can’t read anyway.

Sylvester Stallone’s wife filed for divorce. She requested half of marital assets, and to never have to watch Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot or Over The Top ever again.

The Hills star Kristin Cavallari admitted to fans via Instagram that she got a breast lift after feeding her three kids. She said her ex-husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – gripping them like a football didn’t help matters either.

Joe Biden announced $10,000 in student loan cancellation, delighting graduates who can now default on $10,000 less debt.

‘Long Hots & Sharp Provolone’ is the winner of the ‘Flavored By Philly’ potato chip flavoring contest sponsored by regional chip maker Herr’s. It was selected as the flavor best representing Philly, narrowly edging out Fentanyl.

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Lena Dunham launched her new line of plus-size clothing. Sales projections are modest, since plus-sized women say one of their goals is to not look like Lena Dunham.

A woman received the first-ever trachea transplant. Her boyfriend is relieved they could repair the damage.

Trading card maker Topps is going public; each new share of common stock comes with a tooth-shattering stick of bubble gum.

Delaware County, Pennsylvania police are looking for whoever stole a historic beaver statue from a hiking trail. They’re also looking for someone impersonating a park ranger stopping hikers and questioning them about their beaver.

Chrysler is the highest-ranked American auto brand in Consumer Reports annual ratings of domestic & foreign autos, finishing third-from-the-bottom.

Caitlyn Jenner is considering a run for California governor as a Republican, but is worried that winning would mean banning herself from public restrooms.

Embattled GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly asked Donald Trump for a blanket pardon. Trump agreed, then reneged after Gaetz forgot to introduce Trump to his 17-year-old girlfriend.

A family is suing the Fresno Grizzlies baseball team after a man choked to death in a taco-eating contest at a game, saying they failed to warn him of the risks of competitive eating. The winner of the contest also sued, saying they failed to warn him of the E.coli risk from Chipotle tacos.

Starbucks is conducting a trial program where you pay $1 extra to have your drink served in a reusable cup. Dunkin’ is trialing a program where you pay $1 extra to have your coffee served in a cup with directions to the nearest emergency room printed on it.

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Attorney General William Barr resigned. Donald Trump said Barr will spend time with his family over the Holidays, so Barr left D.C. for Mount Crumpit outside of Whoville.

Cast members from The Sopranos will reunite to raise money for New York firefighters. The firefighters are deciding on a plan in case the envelope with the money feels a little light.

Vladimir Putin congratulated Joe Biden on his election victory. Putin said he looks forward to working with Biden, but probably not as closely as the last guy.

End-to-end encrypted messaging service Signal announced video calling for up to five people – for drug dealers who really want to get to know their customers face-to-face.

Best Buy will sell Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X/S game consoles online-only “sometime after 8a.m. Central time” on December 15th. Frantic parents can expect to be really pissed off they didn’t get one “sometime after 8a.m. Central time”..

TikTok will start hiding potentially disturbing videos behind a warning screen. Examples include scenes from horror films, animal hunting, and parents & teachers dancing.

Twitter user @jobreauxx claims a male passenger seated behind her died of COVID-19 during a flight, despite efforts to revive him, which carry a $99 additional fee on Spirit Airlines.

Pornhub removed all hosted video content from ‘unverified uploaders’. Then they clarified ‘uploaders’ are people who submit sex videos, not the men watching them.

Dr. Phil McGraw is concerned that quarantine will limit recovering addicts having in-person support group meetings, and that he’ll have a harder time recruiting people for his tv show at in-person addiction support meetings.

Workers at a Chipotle restaurant in New York claim they’ve been bitten by rats as they try to eradicate them from the currently-closed store. The rats are also unhappy that eating there made them sick from E.coli.

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Brad Pitt, 56, is reportedly dating 27-year-old Nicole Poturalski. She’s married to 68-year-old restaurant owner Roland Mary, but they supposedly have an ‘open’ relationship. So, Roland Mary should be open to getting dumped.

Researchers find that people could get help losing weight if they eat their own fecal microbiome. Or, if they want to eat others’ fecal microbiome and not lose weight, they can stick with Chipotle.

The Jacksonville Jaguars surprisingly cut starting running back Leonard Fournette. Fournette was last seen happily rushing for several thousand yards out of Jacksonville.

American Bryan Piccioli leads all competitors in the World Series of Poker, which is taking place online for the first time. Piccioli credits being able to stay relaxed by watching porn at the same time.

French tennis player Benoit Paire tested positive for COVID-19 ‘inside the bubble’ at the U.S. Open. He’s been called “out”.

A 3-year-old Taiwanese girl was caught in a giant kite during a kite-flying festival, sending her high into the air. The girl landed safely with two arms, two legs and a new tail.

A TikTok user shared video showing a McDonald’s hamburger and fries stored in her closet for 25 years. The food hadn’t decomposed, but her grandkids still refuse to have lunch at her house.

Katy Perry shared an unfiltered postpartum selfie wearing a breast-pumping bra and disposable underwear. Baby daddy Orlando Bloom saw it and filed for divorce, but then remembered they’re not married yet.

Google Maps is testing showing traffic lights on streets. Drivers are looking forward to staring at their phone to see if the light turned green.

A new study found hotel elevator buttons have 700 times more germs than a household toilet seat – and about 10,000 times fewer germs than the underside of a household toilet seat.

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Three women were arrested after attacking Spirit Airlines employees at Ft. Lauderdale Airport after being told their flight to Philadelphia was delayed. A spokesman said Spirit Airlines is there to dish out abuse, not take it.

11 Major League Baseball umpires have opted out of working the upcoming season. Managers will use “spring training” games to practice yelling at and kicking dirt on to their robot replacements.

A nationwide coin shortage continues to cripple segments of the economy, with thousands of gumball machines declaring bankruptcy.

Google is working on a smart ‘house mouse’. It’s a handheld device you point at things in your smart home to control them, but it can’t mute the story about your spouse’s trip to the grocery store.

High-profile Twitter accounts like Barack Obama, Joe Biden and others were hacked, posting messages asking for donations in Bitcoin. No suspects have been identified, but subsequent messages sent coupon codes for Goya products.

The company formerly known as Chrysler will now be known as Stellantis. Vehicle models will still be called Chrysler’s, so owners don’t have to say “my Stellantis won’t start.”

Chipotle is planning to hire 10,000 new employees as they fast-track the construction of drive-thrus with mortar made from their queso nobody likes.

Machine Gun Kelly said that new girlfriend Megan Kelly has ‘the most beautiful feet that exist’. In fact, he said it twice, but could only be understood the second time after he pulled a foot out of his mouth.

Hailey Bieber apologized to a former restaurant hostess, who rated her a 4 out of 10 in terms of being nice. Bieber regretted her ‘negative vibes’ and said she hopes she and hostess can meet again, but they won’t, because she’s rich and famous.

Joanna Cole, author of the ‘Magic School Bus’ books, died at age 75, and will now ride in not-so-magic vehicles.