By |

Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.

By |

Three professors at the University of South Alabama were suspended after photos showed them posing with a noose, a whip, and wearing a Confederate Army uniform. However, it’s still the only college in the U.S. where you can declare Racism as a major.

Britain’s Royal Family said they are ‘saddened’ by the revelations of mistreatment shared in Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview. Nonetheless, they will struggle to carry on by sheer will and with their immense material & monetary fortunes.

Good Morning Britain‘s Piers Morgan stormed off the set and subsequently quit the show after an argument with a co-host about Meghan Markle’s allegations of racism. It was a long walk-off and shortened Piers career.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Millan offered to work with the Bidens and White House personnel to return their dogs Major & Champ, following a ‘biting incident’ with Major. First Millan has to pass security clearance by having Major sniff his butt.

Miami Heat player Meyers Leonard was placed on indefinite leave for using an anti-Semitic slur during a videogame livestream. A spokesperson for the NBA said it was a nice change of pace to deal with a different kind of racism.

A snake breeder accidentally created a python that appears to have smiley-face emojis on its skin. He sold the snake for $6,000 to someone who would’ve paid $12,000 if they were poop emojis.

Actress Jennifer Garner said on a podcast she’s “proud to look like a woman who’s had three babies”. Meanwhile, ex-husband Ben Affleck said he’s still after the right woman who looks like she hasn’t had any.

The United States will purchase 100 million more doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, using CVS Extra Care reward bucks they got for the ones they already bought.

Viewers of ‘Jeopardy!’ give guest host Katie Couric mixed reviews on social media, with some criticizing her monotone delivery, others calling her presence comforting, and Matt Lauer saying he doesn’t think he’d have sex with her.

HuffPost employees were given a password spr!ngisH3r3 to enter a virtual meeting, where 47 of them found out they were being terminated. They then received another password urs3v3r3ncep@ckagesux to their virtual exit interview.

By |

Sony released a 40th Anniversary Walkman with a hard drive instead of cassette tape playback. A Sony spokesman called it “an old Sony cell phone with a Walkman sticker”.

JP Morgan created the Volfefe Index – designed to measure the impact of President Trump’s tweets on financial markets. After two days, the Index unfollowed him.

President Trump attacked supermodel Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. Which is unusual, since Trump usually attacks women at his hotels.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick became the first NFL player to start for eight different teams, and to suffer a concussion with seven.

The CEO of CVS Health published an essay marking the fifth anniversary of CVS’ decision to stop selling tobacco products. Along with their decision to stop selling porno magazines, cashiers are delighted with all of the room behind the counter.

Prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal are recommending one month in prison for actress Felicity Huffman – the most brutal month she’s spent since filming ‘Georgia Rule’ with Lindsay Lohan & Jane Fonda.

HGTV’s ‘A Very Brady Renovation’ premieres Monday – showcasing renovation to the classic Brady Bunch house. Some new locations were added, such as a media room for Cindy to fire off homophobic posts, and a second attic bedroom for Marcia to get high.

Matt Lauer finalized his divorce. Next up Today – helping a rich 50-something find a hot young girlfriend!

A British Columbia man survived a black bear attack, claiming he yelled at the bear “you don’t have to do this”. A nearby family’s dog chased away the bear, who later turned himself in, telling park rangers “that guy was right, I didn’t have to do it.”

Southwest Airlines launched its Fall airfare sale, the flights priced as low as $29, or $229 for the same one but without terrible jokes and banter from flight attendants.

 

By |

Actress Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet had to be rescued when they became lost kayaking in Sweden. Garner thanked her rescuer, known only as ‘Mattias’, and expressed her regret over divorcing Batman at a time like this.

‘The Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin selected Garrett Yrigoyen over Blake Horstmann, and Yrigoyen proposed marriage on the series season finale.  Becca dismissed Blake, saying she believed there “was a better fit” for them out there. She told Blake she will keep his naked selfie in her active file and contact him if another suitable position opens up.

CVS announced it will offer $59 video-enabled ‘Telemedicine’ sessions via its smartphone app. Users will be able to contact a medical professional 24 hours a day, although the hours of 1a.m – 5a.m. will just be CVS janitors declining unauthorized oxy-contin refills.

Delta Airlines announced it’s rolling out a three-course meal and wine option for its economy passengers, saying it will “feel ..like dining at a favorite restaurant”. That’s true if your favorite three-course restaurant meal is served inches away from a snoring stranger,  and two of the three courses are pretzels.

Avocados as large as a human head, dubbed ‘Avozilla’, have arrived in Australia. They’re the equivalent of 20 regular-sized avocados, which is convenient for prepping large batches of guacamole. On the downside, a dozen people have sliced off their forearm removing the pit with a machete.

Miguel Angel Corea Diaz, a 35-year-old alleged kingpin in the MS-13 drug gang, complained to a judge about poor conditions in the New York county jail where he’s being held. Diaz said he gets death threats and isn’t allowed to use the phone, comparing his surroundings to having a day job in the Oval Office.

According to a Politico/Morning Consult poll, 79% of African-American voters say race relations have deteriorated since Donald Trump became president. The other 21% asked for clarification as to what “race relations” meant.

Disney Store is launching a toll-free “Sleep Shop Hotline” that kids can call to receive one of five messages from Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck and Goofy.  Minnie asks if they’ve brushed their teeth and Goofy talks about his fun day with Mickey. A sixth message–Scrooge McDuck asking kids what they’re wearing–was nixed.

Business Insider released a list of the most-Googled ‘money related terms’ in each state. For instance in California, it was ‘cryptocurrency’; in New York, it was ‘health insurance’; in Mississippi, it was “sell my goat”.

The Harris Poll ranked the social media apps that respondents found “hardest to break away from”. The winner? Facebook, which 49% of respondents named. Facebook was only declared the winner after Harris Poll-‘ers told men that, technically, Pornhub isn’t a social media app.

 

By |

Samsonite’s CEO Tamesh Rainwala resigned after it was discovered that he falsified his academic background. The Board of Directors called it an open and shut case.

Facebook is shutting down its Trending Topics feature, after backlash that it suppressed stories favorable to conservative views. In its place, Facebook will display a ticker showing how much money they’re making by selling your personal data.

Johnny Depp’s fans are reportedly worried that he’s sick, after seeing recent photos of him looking thin and gaunt. Depp said not to worry, he’s losing weight for a role in the new film Somali Pirates Of The Caribbean.

A New York man is suing CVS for ‘ruining his marriage’ by discussing his Viagra prescription with his wife. The man argued that his wife didn’t know he was paying for Viagra out-of-pocket, and using it out-of-wedlock.

Microsoft is acquiring open source coding platform GitHub for $7.5 billion. Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said the acquisition is part of a strategic shift from proprietary, to open source, software to crash computers.

The suspect in four Phoenix-area murders killed himself as SWAT officers stormed his room at an Extended Stay America hotel. “You clean it up” said housekeeping to Phoenix CSIs.

President Trump claimed that he has the right to pardon himself if charged with a crime, or if he farts, both of which he says never happen.

A 36-year-old woman is saying that a 47-year-old woman, recently called The World’s Hottest Grandmother, should give up the title. Meanwhile, nobody is asking about the 36-year-old’s 15-year-old daughter and new mom.

Embattled EPA head Scott Pruitt allegedly told an assistant to do his personal errands, including buying him a used mattress from a Trump International Hotel. When the assistant asked which mattress, Pruitt said “the one stuffed with bribes.”

Melania Trump has not been seen in three weeks. And if you think you’re worried, Barron Trump is three weeks behind on his homework.

 

By |

The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.

By |

The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.

 

 

By |

New research in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology concludes that sexual activity rarely triggers sudden cardiac arrest. However, the odds of a sex-induced heart attack are 10 times higher in men than women. leading to a huge sigh of relief among overweight lesbians.

Target and CVS are now selling facial creams from South Korean brand Peach and Lily that include snail slime. Suppliers are having trouble keeping up with demand, because snails have a notoriously hard time getting in the mood.

A Qatar Airways jet was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a woman searching her husband’s phone midflight discovered he was having an affair and caused a huge commotion.  Qatar Airways said that the husband should have been stoned to death, so the jet landed because there weren’t enough rocks on board.

Fiat Chrysler Automobiles is now shipping the 840 horsepower Dodge Challenger SRT Demon to dealers. The street-legal dragster goes from 0 to 60 mph in 2.3 seconds and reaches 140mph in the quarter-mile. It ships with a range of accessories, including a glove compartment urn for placing the driver’s ashes after they’re scraped up.

Wonder Woman actress Gal Gadot says she will no longer play the superhero in a planned sequel if producer Brett Ratner – accused of sexual harassment – remains attached to it. As backup, 70s TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter is being fitted with custom $30,000 bustiers made of star-spangled Spanx.

An Oklahoma woman who married her biological mother after the two ‘hit it off’ was charged with incest, in a case officials are calling The Oklahoma Family Reunion.

Syndicated gossip columnist Liz Smith is dead at age 94, according to an unnamed source.

Panera Bread is acquiring Au Bon Pain, seeking to double market share among people who like to spend a little extra to be disappointed in their lunch.

Andrew Kreisberg, executive producer of CW Network series Supergirl, The Flash, and Arrow, has been suspended while CW investigates claims of sexual harassment. Kreisberg’s attorney says his client looks forward to a speedy resolution by the Justice League.

A Dartmouth College researcher captured what is believed to be the first known footage of a crab hunting and killing a live seabird with its claws. The crab was just trying to enjoy a relaxing day at the beach with its family.

By |

Sprint and T-Mobile called off merger plans. Conference calls to discuss the deal kept dropping.

Supermodel Kate Upton married Houston Astros pitching ace Justin Verlander in Tuscany, just days after the Astros’ World Series win. Verlander missed the Astros victory parade, but still managed to see some big floats.

Gonorrhea rates are up 63% in Australia over the last five years, as Health Dept. authorities there express concern over the emergence of skinnier, sexier kangaroos.

Former NASCAR champion Matt Kenseth announced his retirement, citing inability to find a sponsor. Kenseth said he never thought his career would take such a right turn.

Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman in 40 years to win the women’s division of the NYC Marathon, as ICE agents throughout the course touted a successful roundup of Kenyans.

Pharmacy giant CVS plans to offer next-day delivery of prescription drugs nationwide, and may offer same-day delivery in some urban markets, in an effort to stave off competition from Amazon and those sketchy guys who hang out on the corner.

Utah passed a bill to change their anti-bigamy law. Current Utah law says bigamy applies when a married man “spiritually” weds another woman, leading thousands of men to request divorces from women they spiritually married for a hundred bucks.

Scientists have discovered a 30-meter ‘void’ in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Further investigation is required to determine whether it’s a Pharoah Cave or Scrapbooking Room.

President Trump arrived in Japan, and was presented with a gift from Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe – a custom hat embroidered with the slogan ‘Donald & Shinzo – Make Alliance Even Greater’. Trump said it reminded him of the slogan on favors from his wedding, ‘Donald & Melania – She Signed the Prenup’.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say the number of assaults go up by nearly 3 percent once Daylight Savings Time ends in early November, and that’s just counting their latest bus ride back to campus in Philadelphia on Sunday.