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Ohio voted to protect legal access to abortion in the state constitution. Students in multiple Texas high school districts voted for Cleveland as the destination for their senior class trip.

Charles III gave the first King’s Speech to British Parliament in 72 years, following his ascension to the throne after the death of his mother. It started rough, with Charles asking “so, anybody here from out of town?”

Ivanka Trump arrived in New York to testify in the financial fraud trial of the Trump Organization. The state’s Attorney General said she may also subpoena Tiffany Trump, who never worked for the organization, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

Actor Patrick Dempsey was named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, in what Donald Trump calls another rigged election, and what Dempsey’s manager calls a lifeline keeping the forgotten actor from appearing in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

Disney Parks is cracking down on visitors who violate their line policies for the disabled – banning several wheelchair paraplegics who mistakenly stood up to prove they were tall enough for the rides.

Philadelphia voters elected Cherelle Parker as the city’s first woman mayor. Philly business owners are worried their cost of doing business will go up since they now have to put their bribes in Louis Vuitton bags.

Pizza Hut is offering a snake meat pizza in Hong Kong. Several confused delivery drivers were fired for exposing their snake meat to customers.

Four men were charged with the theft of an 18-carat gold toilet from the home of Winston Churchill, valued at $6 million. Although the value dropped significantly after the thieves installed it the morning of Taco Tuesday.

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear brand is collaborating with Swarovski crystals, leading to emergency room visits for women suffering genital abrasions after putting the briefs on inside-out.

A Canadian woman delivered a 14 pound, 8 ounce baby boy measuring 21.6 inches, breaking the hospital record. The infant was delivered by c-section and a crane to lift him out.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.

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Caitlyn Parker, 29, wed 41-year-old radio star and American Idol mentor Bobby Bones, then jumped them later that night.

Right-wing student group Turning Point USA gave ‘Adult VIP’ status to porn star Brandi Love to attend their conference, then revoked it amidst mounting pressure from conservatives. Love was there to promote her latest video, ‘Mounting Pressure’.

Three people reportedly died of carbon monoxide poisoning inside a trailer at a country music festival in Michigan. Country singers plan to memorialize the victims, just as soon as they can find a word that rhymes with ‘monoxide’.

Megan Thee Stallion is the first rapper to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s swimsuit issue. The decision was announced once the magazine found a way to make the cover an inch wider.

Ticket sales for Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ dropped 67% in its second week, as theater owners complained that home rentals on Disney+ hurt attendance, and that they’ll have to store $10 buckets of popcorn until Xmas movie season.

New research suggests cognitively stimulating activities can delay Alzheimer’s symptoms by up to five years. As a result, researchers suggest watching Jeopardy! instead of Wheel Of Fortune.

CNN announced the launch of streaming service CNN+, so people can now angrily shut off computers & streaming devices in addition to cable boxes.

A fisherman caught and photographed a rare blue lobster, then tossed it back in the ocean so that it can hopefully get laid.

The Tokyo Olympic Village furnished athletes quarters with cardboard beds, supposedly to discourage sex. There are questions as to whether or not they’ll work, since some athletes are complaining their room smells like sweat and wet cardboard.

Disney Parks unveiled changes to its Jungle Cruise ride to eliminate racist cultural depictions. They say if visitors still want to see & hear racism, they can listen to the Trump robot in the Hall Of Presidents.

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Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader Pete Rose turned 80. Instead of ‘Charlie Hustle’, now they call him ‘Charlie Walker’.

Disney Parks will allow ‘cast members’ to have visible tattoos, multiple earrings and gender inclusive hairstyles. Cruella de Vil got a butch cut, and Donald Duck shed feathers to reveal the Daisy tattoo on his lower abdomen.

Joe Biden announced a full U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan on September 11th. The Taliban & other extremists are looking forward to the U.S. Armed Forces Tent Sale on bazooka & automatic rifles that starts September 4th.

Disgraced financier & Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff died in prison. Madoff promised to donate his organs to 50 different people.

Justin Bieber said in a new interview that his drug use was so bad, his bodyguards would check his pulse when he slept. The bodyguards would be relieved he was alive, and more relieved that he wasn’t singing.

Mexico promised increased efforts to tighten security on the southern U.S. border to stem the tide of illegal immigrants. So they hung over 100 ‘No Trespassing – Private Property’ signs on the wall.

Hayley Hasselhoff – daughter of ‘Baywatch’ star David – made history as Playboy’s first-ever plus-size cover model. Specifically, plus-size-besides-just-the-bra.

Darius, the world’s longest rabbit at 4 ft, 3 inches, was stolen from a home in England. His owner is offering a 1,000-pound reward for Darius’ safe return, and will even throw in one of his feet for good luck.

Experts recommend Facebook cancel its plans to launch ‘Instagram for Kids’. However, Kim Kardashian is demanding they go ahead with it, so her 2 and 3 year olds can become pull-up diaper influencers.

A Colorado district moved school start times back to 8:30 a.m., resulting in 45 minutes additional sleep time for students, according to a new study. This is in addition to the 50 minutes additional sleep each student got in health class.

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Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.

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Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

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A massive dust cloud from the Sahara Desert is expected to reach the Gulf Coast of the United States. Donald Trump is speaking with governors in Louisiana and Mississippi to deploy his idea for the world’s largest Swiffer.

NASA is having a contest to design the best toilet for use on the lunar lander when astronauts return to the moon. The favorite so far is an entry that uses zero gravity by bolting the bowl to the ceiling.

Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby, said she won’t visit him in prison because “he doesn’t want [her] to see him in that environment”. She added that Bill Cosby is legally blind, so he can’t tell who’s visiting anyway.

Google Photos is streamlining its interface to make it easier to find and organize pictures of your genitals.

Amazon bought the rights to the Seattle arena where the city’s new NHL team will play, calling it Climate Pledge Arena. They claim the arena will be ‘Zero Waste’, but when hockey games start, fans will be ‘100% Wasted’.

Model Chrissy Teigen shared Instagram video with the results of her breast reduction surgery. Male followers consider it a huge victory for every time they’ve commented “show us your boobs”.

YouTube creator Jenna Marbles is leaving the platform, having admitted to using blackface and ethnic stereotypes. A YouTube spokesperson said they regret losing their Marbles.

Viewers watching past episodes of ‘Glee’ posted about seeing dummies used as extras to fill crowd scenes during performances. Show creators are more worried about the dummies who are still watching ‘Glee’ long after its cancellation.

Despite a spike in COVID-19 infections in the state, Florida’s Disney Parks still plan to reopen in July, welcoming visitors to the Happiest Hotspot On Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese declared bankruptcy. It plans to reopen as Chuck E. Government Cheese.

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Johnny Depp/Alice Cooper/Joe Perry supergroup Hollywood Vampires postponed their 2020 European Tour, blaming potential exposure to COVID-19 and daylight.

The FDA warned that some hand sanitizers made in Mexico could contain toxic ingredients. Consumers should not buy or use new & improved Los Purellos with Lead.

McDonald’s is reportedly reconsidering the future of offering All-Day Breakfast, citing the complexity of frying an egg and putting it on an english muffin.

Disney Parks will make changes to the queues for its attractions when parks reopen in July. There will be no FastPass+, single rider lines, or virtual checkins – all guests will be required to stand in line and get sick together.

Philadelphia International Airport turned 80 years old. It’s celebrating by reuniting a 100-year-old passenger with the airport’s first-ever checked bag.

Arizona’s Dream City Church – site of the next Donald Trump rally – said they’ll be using technology that wipes out 99.9% of airborne coronavirus germs: old church lady perfume.

An 88-year-old Nashville liquor store owner had her handgun confiscated for two years after she injured a shoplifter with a shot in the back. Tennessee officials said when they return the gun, they hope her aim improves enough to kill shoplifters.

183,000 new cases – a daily record – of coronavirus were reported on Sunday, as the respiratory disease got its second wind.

Statues of catholic priest Juniperro Serra were toppled in Los Angeles and San Francisco. Serra started missions that imprisoned indigenous people to convert them to catholicism. That, and his statues somehow managed to molest young boys.

Donald Trump claimed his campaign received one million ticket requests for his Tulsa rally, yet only 6,200 showed up.  “Wow, that’s pretty good” said Facebook’s Director of Event Invites.

 

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Clothing retailer Express closed 31 stores over the weekend – fast!

China warns the deadly Wuhan coronavirus is becoming more infectious. Australia has confirmed four cases, and is planning to control further outbreak of the virus by burning it.

U.S. health officials confirmed the fifth stateside case of coronavirus, a college student in Arizona. The student is in isolation but, like most Arizona college students, is not worried about missing classes.

Billie Eilish swept four major Grammy categories – Record, Album, Song of the Year & Best New Artist. Oddsmakers now predict ‘Joker’ will win multiple Oscars because of this being such a big year for green hair.

A new book by former National Security Adviser John Bolton reportedly confirms  Donald Trump illegally withheld aid to Ukraine until they investigated the Biden family. The White House reportedly had a preview manuscript of the book for a month, but were waiting for the pop-up version before reading it.

Disney is reportedly adding Fastpass to its Star Wars theme park rides, after visitor complaints about how many parsecs it takes for the line to move.

Florida held its annual Python Bowl, where hunters are invited to catch the large constrictor snakes to reduce their population. That evening in Miami, they held the afterparty – also called Python Bowl – an all-night gay male rave.

A new survey claims 94 percent of Millennials’ No. 1 life goal is to be debt-free. Coincidentally, 94 percent of their parents say their No. 1 life goal is to be free of Millennials debt, too.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown held a parade to recognize the Lunar New Year, welcoming the Year of the Rat. Or, as it’s called in Philadelphia Chinatown, Every Year.

The Wall Street Journal reports supermarkets are increasingly shutting down their pharmacy counters – after losing millions of dollars in OxyContin in the pharmacies’ self-checkout lanes.