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Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.

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Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

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Former porn star Jenna Jameson shared an Instagram photo of her breastfeeding her 11-month-old son, advocating for normalcy to the act of breastfeeding in public. After the photo shoot, her son took a cigarette break and got a ride to his next job.

Trump will meet with tech billionaire Bill Gates at the White House on Thursday. Gates is expected to unplug Trump’s cable modem, wait 30 seconds, and plug it back in.

Actor Burt Reynolds told the Today show’s Hoda Kotb that he fell in love with Sally Field when Field was seven years old. Reynolds told Kotb he fought with producers who didn’t want to cast her in his movie Smokey And The Pedophile.

Anderson Cooper and his boyfriend of nine years, Benjamin Maisani, broke up amicably, and will share custody of the gym membership and dog.

A Sicilian prophet predicted the arrival of the Virgin Mary at 4:30pm local time on St. Patrick’s Day in a small chapel in southern Germany – the same day and time “pilgrims” said she arrived last year. They say they recognized Mary’s arrival by her “scent of roses”, although that was also the Febreze used to cover up the pasta fagioli lunch.

A group of Toyota engineers in Japan built a free-throw shooting robot that never misses. However the robot brings great shame on his family for his terrible grades.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney told MSNBC that in the wake of her admission of sex with Donald Trump she has been “physically threatened” – and emotionally traumatized by the memory of him in white briefs.

Playboy is introducing a new cryptocurrency that you can earn by interacting with porn, leading one customer to say “I’m rich, but boy is my arm tired.”

Apple is holding an education-focused event on March 27th at a Chicago high school. The American students will be lectured by Chinese Apple employees during their break from junior high school.

Five Pennridge High School students in Pennsylvania who participated in the National Walkout Against Gun Violence received extra detention for going to Dunkin Donuts while out of school. The students’ parents argued that since they all had coffee, they’ve been punished enough.

 

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The FoldiMate – a $980 machine that folds, irons and perfumes clothes – was shown off at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. However, its makers were arrested when federal agents examined one and found a 50-year-old-man inside.

A 99-year-old Mississippi woman shot and killed a deer a few miles from her rural home. The deer was 97.

Eighth graders in Arkansas 3D-printed a new foot for a duck that didn’t have one. Said one of the children “you don’t eat a duck like that all at once.”

Takata’s airbag recall has been expanded to an additional 3.3 million vehicles. “Well, I guess that’s all of ’em” said Takata’s CEO.

The last Boeing 747 jet flown commercially by a U.S. carrier was retired when Delta flew it to an airliner graveyard in Arizona. A different jet will be sent in six months to pick up the 75-year-old flight attendants working on it serving peanuts and Coke to coyotes.

Two Apple investors have requested that the company do more to limit children’s iPhone use. Apple said that they will consider scaling back the hours of children making them.

Sources say that Oprah Winfrey is considering a run for President in 2020. The rumors appeared to be confirmed by a leaked version of her ‘2020 My Favorite Things’ list that includes Air Force One and nuclear weapons.

The hottest new fitness app is Sweatcoin, which rewards users for steps that they take outdoors, redeemable for merchandise. So far, over 10,000 Fitbits have been earned by stray dogs.

Amazon is partnering with matchmaking company Three Day Rule to provide dating tips via the Alexa assistant. Three Day Rule & Alexa’s suggestions include striking up conversations with strangers and asking if they’re a cop.

Dunkin Donuts announced that they’ve removed all artificial dyes from its doughnuts. Customers say they can’t taste the difference, since their taste buds have been melted off by the coffee.

A water main break at JFK Airport caused extensive flooding. Emergency crews and stranded passengers teamed up to save the Cinnabons.

 

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TIME Magazine named ‘The Silence Breakers’ – women telling their stories of sexual abuse – as its 2017 Person of the Year. In other news, Pyongyang TIME Magazine named Kim Jong Un as Benevolent Supreme Leader of the Year for the sixth straight time.

In an interview with The Sunday Times, actor Gabriel Byrne said that co-star Kevin Spacey’s inappropriate sexual behavior caused a two-day shutdown on the film The Usual Suspects. Since Spacey insisted on remaining in character, it took him longer to catch up with underage boys while walking with a limp.

A UPS tractor-trailer caught fire in suburban Maryland. Tracking data for the affected shipments have been updated accordingly: “Your Package Is On The Way! Fire!”

Google is assigning 10,000 employees to audit YouTube for objectionable content posted on videos of, and for, children. So far, a small percentage of employees have taken down crude content from pedophiles, while thousands of other employees are making great money watching cat videos.

Virgin Hyperloop cofounder Shervin Pishevar has taken a leave of absence in light of six sexual harassment allegations – but impressed investors with the speed at which he got out of town.

Russia was officially banned from participation in the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for systemic doping violations. Russians can still compete as ‘neutral’ athletes — in the sense that you can’t tell if they’re men or women.

The Invisible Box Challenge is the latest viral video craze, with users pretending to plant their leading leg on an invisible box, then hopping the box with their trailing leg. It, in turn, spawned the Air Cast Challenge, to see how fast EMTs can apply first aid to torn knee ligaments.

A new General Motors in-car app lets you order Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee while you drive. Several drivers suffered second-degree burns when the drone delivered the coffee through their moonroof.

Pizza Hut is testing beer delivery, as drivers practice telling customers “no, they actually come in four packs.”

Minnesotans can now text 911 for emergency response instead of calling; residents praised the upgrade, saying precious time was lost in emergencies typing “I’m in trouble here, donchaknow..”

A Chinese newspaper in Jilin Province – bordering North Korea – published tips on how to survive a nuclear attack. The first tip was ‘keep buying the Jilin Daily News!’

  • To ensure readers saw the tips, they were printed on the comics page next to Wheel Yankee – China’s favorite daily strip about the mishaps caused by an ignorant American driver.

 

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A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.

 

 

 

 

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President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.

 

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Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”