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Heavyweight boxer Andy Ruiz defeated Chris Arreola Saturday night, via a 12-round unanimous decision. Ruiz delivered more punches to an Arreola than Ronda Rousey did in her entire career.

A SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule made the first nighttime splashdown carrying U.S. astronauts since 1968. Police were called to the residence of a terrified homeowner to assist getting them out of his pool.

The NFL Draft concluded, with over 12 hours of live coverage spanning three days. To satisfy fans’ need to see names and pictures of athletes they’ve never heard of, this weekend Lifetime will air three days of 32 hot women picking men on Tinder.

A 39-year-old Colorado woman walking her two dogs was attacked and killed by a bear. The two dogs survived and called their owner “not as fast as us”.

Budweiser is offering a free beer to anyone providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination. Budweiser is also the Official Beer of COVID-19 Victims who lost their senses of taste & smell.

Medina Spirit won the Kentucky Derby, finishing ahead of socially-distanced second-place Mandaloun.

The CDC is claiming anxiety, not the contents of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, caused adverse reactions to recipients. They cited dozens of anxious people who suffered blood clots watching ‘Godzilla vs Kong’.

A dozen people were injured when an outdoor deck collapsed as 40 people posed for a photo at Tennessee’s Soddy Daisy restaurant. 28 people asked if they could take the picture again.

Dcorey Johnson, a 3rd grader at a Louisville elementary school, is a viral sensation thanks to his singing the Star Spangled Banner during morning announcements. However, a dozen kindergartners are kneeling during the anthem to protest the lousy food at snack time.

Max Hodak, co-founder of brain-implant company Neuralink, resigned from the company. Then the other co-founder, Elon Musk, flipped a switch and Hodak changed his mind.

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A new art installation will allow people to walk atop Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. The artist calls it ‘Walk On Piles Of Bodies In The Schuylkill River’.

Hooters is opening a new, fast-casual ‘spinoff’ restaurant focused on chicken wings. They’re calling it Dumpers.

A woman was charged with a felony for failing to return a ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ VHS tape rented in her name 22 years ago. That woman’s name is Melissa Joan Hart.

Researchers say a sedentary lifestyle is the #`1 cause of Type 2 diabetes, narrowly edging out Popeye’s.

Elon Musk said “a bunch of people will probably die” during SpaceX missions to Mars, a quote that’s being called “not the best joke to open your Saturday Night Live monologue”.

Anderson Cooper shared a photo of his one-year-old son, Wyatt, watching him host Jeopardy!. Cooper doesn’t know if his son is gay, but Wyatt had a tantrum at not seeing Aaron Rodgers.

Powerlifter Chad Penson won the 2021 U.S. Open, becoming the first 198-pound man to squat 881 pounds. He took his place in the gold medal spot atop the podium, while his genitals dragged on the floor below.

Democrats introduced new legislation to lower the qualifying age for Medicare from 65 to 50. Critics say doing so would harm the workforce because more people would retire earlier from their terrible jobs at McDonald’s and Walmart.

Yahoo! released its rankings of fast-food chicken sandwiches, in an article that shocked Americans who didn’t know Yahoo! still existed.

A 71-year-old driver suffered minor head injuries when a turtle crashed through her windshield on Interstate 95 in Port Orange, Florida. No injuries were reported to reptile daredevil Turtel Knurtel, who plans another attempt to jump I-95 later this year.

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Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves reacted to President Biden’s criticism of the state’s reopening, saying “Mississippians don’t need handlers”.. adding “we do need people that know how to count, and read, and who understand how medicine works, but not handlers.”

COVID-19 death rates are ten times higher in areas where the majority of the population is overweight. “We’re still reopening” said Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves.

First Lady Dr. Jill Biden shared her sympathy with teachers frustration at leading virtual classes, and concern over returning to in-person learning. Melania Trump agreed, saying it’s impacted her work teaching topless modeling classes.

Burger King Japan launched the Strong Magma One Pound Beef Burger – four quarter pound patties blended with garlic chips and hot japanese pepper powder. The “magma” is apparently the porcelain-melting result of eating it.

Disney is closing 60 Disney Stores – making it even tougher for lonely single women & men in their 40s & 50s to find home decor and apparel.

The latest rocket from Elon Musk’s SpaceX successfully landed vertically after a test flight in Texas, but then exploded several minutes later. Musk then asked the crew of his planned flight to Mars if they think they can de-board in three minutes on arrival.

Meghan Markle accused Buckingham Palace personnel of spreading rumors about her being a bully, and that she’ll personally beat the hell out whoever is doing it.

COVID-19 vaccines reportedly cause swelling in some women’s breasts – making demand for them even higher.

Data from the Common App – an application shared by over 900 colleges & universities, show fewer high-school grads are applying to college. Instead of forgiving student debt, they want the government to forgive their Grubhub bills.

Catholic bishops are discouraging followers from getting the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, which they say is derived from aborted fetuses. They would rather Catholics wait until there’s a vaccine derived from sexual abuse victims.

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Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was confirmed, making him the first openly gay White House appointee. “Openly” being the operative word, according to former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Alejandro Mayorkas was also confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, despite the objections of some Republicans, who had been a Mayorkas pain.

The famous HOLLYWOOD sign was changed to HOLLYBOOB by influencers protesting censorship on Instagram. They’re concerned if nudity remains banned on Instagram, people won’t know where to find it on the Internet.

Comcast will double the speed of its Internet Essentials broadband service for low-income households, allowing more families than ever the chance to get their cam-girl or Only Fans careers off the ground.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink – which has wired a monkey’s brain to play video games using only its mind – is preparing for human trials. Apparently the monkey is tired of playing video games by himself.

EA Sports will release a new college football video game. To keep from paying colleges and players for their name & likeness, Every team will be called Football University and every player’s name will be Football Guy.

Scientists claim COVID-19 lockdowns caused a reduction in harmful emissions that block sunlight, thereby warming the planet. While others believe the higher temperatures result from housebound couples screwing with the thermostat.

Researchers studying spiders say they use ‘silk pulleys’ to raise large prey off the ground once they’ve been captured. Once the prey is secured, they celebrate with music from the piano they lifted into the web.

Experts say people dying after getting the COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t mean the vaccine is deadly. However, being 98 years old kind of is.

Taco Bell introduced customizable $5 Cravings Boxes, with 18 possible meal combinations, and one possible gastrointestinal outcome.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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Director Josh Hawley confirmed his new Star Trek film will have a completely new crew – guaranteeing six nobody actors income for life signing autographs and taking pictures with nerds.

Kanye West shared video of himself urinating on a Grammy award. “Hey, anyone seen my missing Grammy award?” asked Taylor Swift.

Bad news: the CDC Director said coronavirus vaccines won’t be widely available until the middle of next year. Good news: they’ll be for COVID-19, 20 & 21.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are rumored to be breaking up. If so, we’ll get terrible country and ska songs out of it.

Investigators found traces of a nerve agent used to poison Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny on a hotel water bottle. Navalny, who is recuperating, said that’s the last time he stays at Red Roof Inn in Siberia.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open started today, delayed by three months, now that they could finally get tee times.

WNBA great Maya Moore married Jonathan Irons, a wrongfully convicted man who she helped free from prison. Moore plans to remind Irons of this when they have an argument about housework.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX is launching 60 more Starlink Internet satellites, as part of its longer-term plan to launch broadband Internet service to rural areas that can’t yet access Pornhub.

A survey of frequent fliers named Ireland’s Donegal Airport the world’s most scenic landing spot. The same survey named the world’s worst landing spot “any middle seat on Spirit Airlines”.

Students at University of Wisconsin – Madison who test positive for COVID-19 are sent to a special “COVID dorm”. They’re disapointed at first, but happy at not having to wear masks when they hook up.

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Domino’s added chicken taco pizza to their menu. They say it’s for customers who want to eat pizza, but stil feel like they got sick from Mexican food.

Melania Trump addressed the Republican National Convention, saying Americans “deserve total honesty” from a president. Donald Trump then congratulated her on the great speech she totally wrote by herself because he loves her for her brain.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gave a prerecorded RNC speech from a diplomatic visit to Jerusalem. “Good evening. Man. There are a LOT of Jews here..” he said.

Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned as president of Liberty University amidst a sex scandal. He’ll receive a $10.5 million buyout and a new pool boy.

After spending 92 years on the index, Exxon Mobil stock was removed from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, as its earnings ran out of gas.

Elon Musk is promising a demo of a ‘Neuralink’ – believed to be a way of controlling machines with brain waves. After the demo, preorders for Neuralink-enabled love dolls open up on the Tesla online store.

A new study recommends that people with a positive COVID-19 diagnosis stop exercising for two weeks. “I better get tested” said a 450-pound person on their couch.

Britney Spears’ kid sister, Jamie Lynn, is now a trustee to the conservatorship that controls Britney’s finances. Jamie Lynn said she plans to responsibly steer more of the investments toward shoes and cute tops.

The NFL is reexamining 77 players’ COVID-19 tests from a New Jersey lab after a rash of false positives. Results are slow in coming, because after each, an NFL official flips on a mic and announces “after further review..”.

Sean Connery turned 90. He had a glass of Metamucil “shaken, not stirred”, so it was incredibly lumpy.

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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Veteran NHL announcer Mike ‘Doc’ Emrick did play-by-play commentary over video of an auto mechanic replacing his car’s windshield wiper. Viewers called it “still more exciting than soccer”.

Walmart announced they’re seeking to hire up to 150,000 new workers – 140,000 for warehouses, and 10,000 bouncers for the toilet paper aisle.

Anyone can audit Yale University’s ‘Happiness’ course for free. For $49 you can complete assignments and receive a grade. People dumb enough to pay the money and get a ‘D’ get angry, then have their Happiness grade lowered to ‘F’.

Elon Musk bought over 1,200 ventilators from China and had them air-shipped to Los Angeles. They’ll be donated to hospitals as soon as they’re cleaned by the 2,400 robots he’s still building.

A Gallup poll says one in five adults is wearing a fitness tracker; and three in five drawers are holding one.

Jeff Bezos posted a four-page letter to Amazon workers on Instagram, claiming his sole focus is on company operations during the COVID-19 outbreak. Warehouse employees lost a grand total of $2 billion in pay taking unauthorized bathroom breaks to read it.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that the COVID-19 virus can live for up to three hours in aerosol form. Procter & Gamble announced an immediate recall of Cinnamon Vanilla Coronavirus Febreze.

Scientists discovered an ancient, wormlike creature over 500 million years old and the ancestor of all living mammals. It refused to wear a condom.

Instacart is planning to hire 30,000 grocery delivery workers. Applicants must have a valid drivers license, and the strength to toss a 20-pound bag of groceries on to a porch from 10 feet away.

Hobby Lobby chief executive David Green sent a letter to stores, claiming his wife ‘had a heavenly vision’ that God would protect them from sickness. “I had it too!” said a store worker holding a large tube of modeling glue.

 

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Elon Musk attended the grand opening of Tesla’s first auto factory in China. “We can’t wait for eight more years to go by so we can drive the cars!” said assembly workers.

The presiding judge in Harvey Weinstein’s trial threatened to throw Weinstein in jail unless he stopped using his mobile phone in court. Weinstein finally relented and put it away after fifty quick swipes right.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta believes that you can live to 100 if you find your sense of purpose, or “ikigai”. Many women dispute this, saying they’re married to an icky guy and want to die right now. [Story & joke credit to J.O.]

Charmin debuted the ‘Rollbot’, a robot that delivers toilet paper to you when you run out. They invented it because Roomba refused to bring it in there.

Madame Tussaud’s wax museum is being criticized for a statue of Nicki Minaj that looks nothing like her. Tussaud’s admits they got the face wrong, but for the buttocks they just didn’t have enough wax.

Rob Kardashian asked for full custody of his daughter, Dream. He claims her mother, Blac Chyna, has taught the 3-year-old girl how to ‘naked twerk’ and say curse words. The judge denied the request, and congratulateed Dream on getting cast in five different hip-hop music videos.

Fox Networks will air The Masked Singer spinoff The Masked Dancer. Celebrities will attempt to guess the identity of The Masked Dancer, with guesses ranging from “JLo” to “the crackhead at the subway station”.

A new study in the UK finds people who tried ‘Sober January’ in 2018 continued to drink less eight months later, mainly because their friends stopped asking them out to the pub.

Over 72,000 Americans died from alcohol-related deaths in 2017, more than double the number from 20 years earlier. No specific causes were cited for the increase, but doctors noted the introduction of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita around 2012.

Rodrigo Alves, a reality TV star known as the “human Ken Doll”, has come out as transgender and declared their pronouns as “she” and “her”.  Alves, however, reserves the right to switch back, since she has no genitals, just molded plastic reading “Mattel”.