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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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A shark bit a 14-year-old boy during a lifeguard training class in Florida. Organizers have since stopped lifeguards-in-training from trying CPR on sharks.

Google will begin offering “dark web reports” to all users in late July, so they can see who else besides Google is abusing their personal information.

Customers of Ticketmaster whose personal information may have been compromised in a hack have been told to sign up for a credit monitoring service, for a $75 convenience fee.

Hailey Welch of ‘Hawk Tuah’ viral fame surpassed 1 million Instagram followers. She’s now offering social media mentoring to her sister, Slurp Tuah.

Google Maps is now suggesting in-route ‘detours’ to sponsored advertisers’ destinations – leading to record enrollment in Google Ads training by truck stop prostitutes.

People Magazine published a list of 13 rules that men must follow to be cast on The Bachelorette – including agreement to 24-hour filming, cell phone confiscation, limited Internet access, and a psychological exam they’re required to fail.

Brazil’s Pantanal – the world’s largest wetland – is on fire. Responders have no choice but to make it even wetter.

Masked thieves stole $1,700 from a Chipotle restaurant in the Philadelphia suburbs. They’d originally taken $1,600, but then asked for a little extra.

Twitch streamer Sketch – who livestreams Madden NFL football video games – addressed the leak of OnlyFans porn he’d done years earlier. He expressed relief that he no longer had to hide it, but promised his football followers he’d no longer be spiked in the end zone.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly was a good samaritan, helping a drunk party guest at a bash in the Hamptons over the weekend. DiCaprio reported helped the man sober up to the point where he could give DiCaprio the phone number of his 21-year-old cousin.

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The estate of the late Paul Reubens – ‘Pee Wee Herman’ is auctioning furniture from his private collection. Buyers are advised that the furniture does not talk, and seats from his private screening room are sold ‘as is’.

ESPN host Pat McAfee apologized for calling WNBA Indiana Fever rookie Caitlin Clark a “white b*tch” while praising her impact on the league. McAfee promised to only use the phrase when referring to caucasian male athletes he doesn’t like.

A Delta Airlines first class passenger had a “poop accident” which caused the entire front of the aircraft to stink. Other passengers praised the flight attendant’s handling of the difficult situation, as she used her heel to kick out a window so oxygen masks deployed.

A Philadelphia city crossing guard was arrested for giving cannabis edibles to teenagers on their way to school. None of the kids are learning anything, but everyone’s chill and hallway fistfights are way down.

Donald Trump lost his New York State gun permit after his felony conviction. He’s still expected to get off 100 shots at his Florida & New Jersey golf courses, then say he shot 70.

A toddler was lifted in to the air by her shirt by a giraffe as the family drove through a Texas safari park. The giraffe lowered the toddler back down without injury, but the toddler will be a little quicker to hand over the Skittles next time.

For the first time ever, ocean wildlife observers in Australia witnessed a tiger shark regurgitating a whole echidna – a dome-shaped sea mammal covered in spines. In another first, that same day, they witnessed a different shark regurgitate an entire Arby’s Beef & Cheddar combo.

A 2022 study asserted that 38 percent of WNBA players are gay. A similar study of NBA players remains incomplete because 10 percent of the players haven’t returned the questionnaire.

Author Suzanne Collins announced a fifth ‘Hunger Games’ book – a prequel set 24 years before the original – tentatively titled “No Thanks I’m Full’.

A new sexually-transmitted fungal infection, TMVII, was found on a New York City man, with rashes on his penis, buttocks & limbs after he traveled to Greece, England & California and had sex with partners in each location. Worse, he can’t find a doctor he can pay in frequent flier miles.

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A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

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Divorce rates among married couples over 60 are rising faster than any other age category – in part because married men over 60 are rising slower than any other age category.

Israel’s Parliament voted to ban Al Jazeera network from the country, accusing it of inciting violence and anti-Semitism. They also voted to ban Cartoon Network, accusing it of inciting violence between cats and mice.

Madonna wrapped up her world tour with a free concert on Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Beach, which reportedly attracted 1.6 million people. It marked an attendance record, and a record for the most people to look at a 65-year-old woman on a Brazilian beach.

At a Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, Donald Trump compared the Biden Administration to the Gestapo. Trump’s cronies supported him, saying Trump honestly believes Gestapo was one of the Marx Brothers.

Victorias Secret supermodel Elle Macpherson again lowered the price of her Coral Gables, Florida mansion. First she lowered it from $29 million to $27 million, then again to $22 million. For the right buyer she’ll even throw in her lingerie hamper.

Actress Emily Blunt told Howard Stern that kissing some of her male co-stars made her sick to her stomach. She wouldn’t name names, but said that finding a Scientology pamphlet stuffed in to her pocket afterwards didn’t help.

Creatine supplements may boost cognitive performance after a poor night’s sleep. This, according to gym-rat meatheads who slept poorly but took creatine to remember that today’s Leg Day, bra’.

The top lawyer for the Republican National Committee resigned after just two months, citing “time commitment conflicts”. In other words, there wasn’t enough time in the day for him to keep up with all of Donald Trump’s felony trials.

High-end fitness chain Equinox is offering a $40,000-per-year ‘Optimize By Equinox’ program, focusing on longevity, that includes personal training, nutrition plans, sleep coaching and massage therapy. Not to be outdone, Planet Fitness announced they’re offering members free Meat Lovers pizza in addition to plain cheese.

The fiance of a Wisconsin teacher who admitted ‘making out’ with one of her fifth grade students has called off the wedding. He said he’s embarrassed and heartbroken, but that he now understands why there were three kids tables planned for the reception.

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Leaked information reveals creators of popular children’s cartoon Bluey – about a family of Australian dogs – will not produce new episodes, and the show has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Tinder announced a new feature ‘Share My Date’ – which lets users give details about their dating plans to friends & family for safety. Although they advise just sharing names & locations, and not what you’re planning to do the first night you meet someone.

A British man ran a mile in a swimming pool in 35 minutes, 24 seconds, establishing an unoffiicial world record. He was then kicked off the high school swim team for delaying the meet by 35 minutes, 24 seconds.

Federal officials announced plans to update nutrition standards for public school meals — as school lunch ladies frantically try to use up their salisbury steaks before the government outlaws them.

Harvey Weinstein’s sexual assault conviction in New York was overturned by the state’s Supreme Court. Weinstein is now a free man for the duration of the flight to California, where his conviction there will allow him to die in a west coast prison.

Tiger Woods’ 15-year-old son Charlie will attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open. He’ll also try to follow in his father’s footsteps by qualifying for a tryst with a Perkins Pancake House hostess.

The makers of Scrabble introduced Scrabble Together – a new version of the game intended to reduce conflict and make gameplay more inclusive. Players can now arrange any letters they want on the board and declare that it identifies as a word.

Actress Rebel Wilson’s book ‘Rebel Rising’ was released, but UK versions redact abuse claims about actor Sacha Baron Cohen because they were allegedly proven false. Printing untruths is a crime in the UK, which is why it’s hard to find any of Donald Trump’s books there.

A Florida golden retriever gave birth to Shamrock, a puppy with lime green fur. The mother dog denies having an affair with a monitor lizard.

Jon Bon Jovi admits he “hasn’t been a saint” throughout his 34-year marriage to wife Dorothea – referencing affairs, and making her watch his acting auditions.

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X, formerly Twitter, is trialing Adult Content Communities. This comes on the heels of their success with Racist Communities, Election Denier Communities, and Failed Entertainer Communities.

A female DJ who claims she was shamed on a Delta Airlines flight for not wearing a bra hired a lawyer and is demanding a meeting with the CEO. The CEO declined the meeting, saying, her breasts aren’t big enough.

In anticipation of the full solar eclipse, Internet crooks are selling fake eclipse glasses. Experts warn that you can tell they’re fake because they charge extra for bifocals.

A Florida 10-year-old sold a handgun to a classmate for $300, then set a single day spending record at the Scholastic Book Fair.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, released from prison after serving time for the murder of her abusive mother, separated from the husband she married while incarcerated, saying she felt trapped.

Dollar Tree announced the maximum price of items for sale in its stores will increase to $7. This is expected to create thousands of jobs for employees who can help customers count to 7.

Viral video shows a man diving out of the way of a spinning blade that detached from a concrete saw at a nearby construction site and traveled across a parking lot. Unfortunately, the old lady walking across the lot wasn’t as quick.

Oprah shared a video explaining why she turned to weight loss drugs. After a lot of hooey about personal struggles, it came down to two factors: 1) they work; 2) she’s a billionaire.

New York City formally approved a $15 congestion pricing toll for cars entering lower Manhattan. The law now requires the approval of carjackers to refund the $15 for the vehicles they steal.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and new wife Theresa Nist are married, but reportedly living in separate states. They say the biggest challenge is neither of them knowing how to work Facetime for cybersex.

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The famous floating door prop from James Cameron’s ‘Titanic‘ was purchased at auction for $718,000. (Kate Winslet sold separately.)

Donald Trump is selling bibles for $60. They’re better than old bibles because they contain multiple stories about the miracle that he’s not in jail.

Some couples are choosing in vitro fertilization, or IVF, as a first option to conceive a baby, since they say want a family, but it’s worth the $24,000 not to see their spouse naked.

A shipment of 3.7 tons of cocaine valued at $113 million was intercepted after a high-speed boat chase off the Colombian coast. It’s the largest volume of cocaine seized by law enforcement this year, beating the record set Monday when cops raided Diddy’s houses.

A former Syracuse University basketball player, Brendan Paul, was arrested and charged at a Florida airport with being a ‘drug mule’ for Diddy. Paul faces multiple traveling violations.

University of Colorado researchers say they’ve found a link between arthritis and tryptophan. The study followed older turkeys who walked with a cane.

Taylor Swift was photographed wearing a thong bikini on a romantic Bahamas getaway with Travis Kelce. Paparazzi didn’t want to say she has a flat butt, but also said it looked like someone tried patching a crack in a white wall with yellow spandex.

A British woman arrived at a vet’s office with what she claimed was a sick baby hedgehog, only to be informed it was the detached pom-pom from a fur hat. The vets were unable to save the baby hedgehog they found on top of the woman’s head.

Nicki Minaj experienced a wardrobe malfunction during her Orlando concert when her dress came undone and exposed her breasts — shocking bettors who’d wagered big money that the back of the dress would fail first.

An Atlanta resident called Magnet Man pulls a powerful magnet on his bicycle in order to pick up metal screws, nails & other pieces causing flat tires. He says he’s picked up 450 pounds of metal so far, and apologized to the people in wheelchairs he’s dragged for several blocks.

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Violence is plaguing Florida beaches during Spring Break. It’s so bad, entrants in wet t-shirt contests are soaked in blood.

Bianca Censori wore only see-through tights and a tube top to dinner with husband Kanye West at a Los Angeles area Cheesecake Factory. Everyone was able to get a good look because their wait for a table was 75 minutes.

Congress agreed to terms on a deal to fund the federal government through September, avoiding a shutdown. The bill provides money for the continued operation of Homeland Security, but omits $464 million requested by House Republicans to prevent fire sales at Mar a Lago and Trump Tower.

Consumer giant Unilever is spinning off its ice cream business, which includes Ben & Jerry’s, Breyers, & others. The move will result in a 6% reduction in the company’s workforce, although they’ll offer severance and outplacement for unemployed cows.

A antitrust settlement is expected to drastically lower commissions for U.S. realtors, who have historically shared 6% of a home’s sale price. Analysts project many realtors will leave the industry for new jobs, leading to a surge in Tupperware parties.

Viral video captured a Florida road rage incident where one trucker was seen firing a gun at another trucker. The shooter was arrested, and the big ol’ convoy broke up.

Actor Ewan McGregor said it was necessary to use an on-set “intimacy coordinator” during sex scenes he recently filmed with his wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead for a tv series. He added it’s just a coincidence that the coordinator was naked.

Tennis pro Arthur Cazaux fainted during the third set of his match in the Miami Open and was forced to forfeit to Harold Mayot. The heat & humidity were cited as a double fault.

The Bachelor Joey Graziadei asked female contestants at the ‘Women Tell All’ reunion episode if they received hate messages through social media. All of them said they had, most from jealous female viewers, and some from men angry their wives wouldn’t let them watch hockey and basketball games.

A Tennessee woman who ordered clothing from online discount retailer Shein received the clothes, along with a dented can of beans and a vial of human blood. Shein apologized, saying the blood & beans are only included with purchases by Shein Prime customers.

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Netflix is planning to open ‘Netflix House’ brick & mortar locations, to create “everyday experiences for their most watched programming”. They’ll contain a theater, food, and a Netflix & Chill room that guys can rent for $200 an hour.

The Pittsburgh Penguins announced that their Jaromir Jagr Bobblehead giveaway night is postponed because they were all stolen in transit. Collectors who bought tickets are shaking their heads.

IKEA announced they’re aggressively cutting prices on hundreds of items. They want to help relieve the stress on budgets, and put the stress on relationships when men & women team up to put the furniture together.

Vice President Kamala Harris will visit an abortion clinic in Minnesota, but has already gotten unanimous ‘no’s from patients when Harris’ reps ask if they want to take a photo with her.

Apparel maker Fanatics is being dragged for its Major League Baseball uniform pants, now being made from synthetic so sheer that they’re being called see-through. Ball girls wearing the pants in MLB parks are giving foul balls to kids, and their dads are tucking dollar bills in the girls’ waistbands.

A new study finds cardiovascular and isometric exercises to be the best for reducing blood pressure. Doing them somewhere far away from your family lowers blood pressure even further.

Adidas posted a significant multimillion dollar quarterly loss as it liquidates inventory of Yeezy shoes in the wake of parting with Kanye West over his antisemitism. Betting big on a new shoe line with MC Hammer didn’t help the bottom line, either.

Independent candidate for president Robert F. Kennedy Jr is considering making New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers his running mate. Rodgers will likely pass.

A Kellogg’s shareholder claims Froot Loops cereal is still being made with ‘harmful dyes’ despite the company’s claim that they’re removing them. The shareholder then produced a photo of spokesbird Toucan Sam who’s lost most of his feathers to cancer.

A Florida woman was arrested outside of an H&R Block attempting to sell her child for $500. She was arrested, but is waiting on the “maybes” from customers who didn’t know if they were getting a tax refund.