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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.

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Six spectators were injured at the Tour Championship golf tourney when lightning struck a nearby tree. It was originally believed four people were hurt, but it was God yelling “fore” as the lightning came crashing down.

Hasbro Toys acquired Death Row Records – launching G.I. Joe’s long-awaited foray into battle rap.

Faith-based feature film ‘Overcomer’ earned $8 million at the weekend box office. It’s the story of a high-school athletic coach and churchgoer who can’t stop ejaculating.

Plagued with injuries over his last several seasons, Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck announced his retirement at age 29. Luck was asked if he planned to remain in Indianapolis, but was gone before the question was finished.

Disney announced they’ll be opening Disney Stores in Target locations. Disney fans are excited, since many can’t afford travel to Disneyland or Disney World to shoplift there.

Not to be outdone, Walmart plans to open Yosemite Sam Stores in their gun departments.

A woman claims her soon-to-be-ex-spouse – a female astronaut – accessed her online accounts and stole her identity while aboard the International Space Station. The accusation is amazing, but not as amazing as having reliable high-speed Internet in outer space.

Epcot Center will open a new ‘Ratatouille’ experience for guests in its France pavilion. It’s just the same rats in the kitchen, but now they’ll let visitors see them.

Cocaine worth over $1 million was found in boxes of bananas shipped to Safeway grocery stores in Washington state. Police believe there are other shipments, since several Safeway stockboys are now driving Escalades.

Las Vegas’ Hooters Hotel & Casino has been sold to a hotel chain from India. They say they’ll remove the Hooters brand, but still offer terrible chicken wings you’ll regret eating the next morning.

 

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President Trump continues to threaten to close the U.S./Mexico border this week, now that all the Young Republicans have wrapped up Spring Break in Cancun.

Experts claim if the U.S./Mexico border is closed down, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks – meaning, Chipotle would stop serving their guacamole in just over two months.

McDonald’s angered Australian customers it fooled with an April Fool’s prank announcing the McPickle, a Big Mac-like burger filled with pickles. Later, McDonald’s Australia issued a statement acknowledging the joke and saying they’ll resume making burgers with kangaroo and horse meat.

A 1915 Coca-Cola bottle, a prototype of the iconic swirling glass bottle with script lettering, is expected to sell for over $150,000 at auction. Had the bottle been stored with real Coke in it, it would have disintegrated 99 years ago.

Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B are filming ‘Hustlers’, a movie about strippers who turn the tables on their clients. Producers changed the name to ‘Hustlers’ from its original name ‘The Cardi B. Story’.

Following Bryce Harper’s mammoth home run for the Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves pitcher Shane Carle hit the next batter, Rhys Hoskins. After the game, Phillies manager Gabe Kapler said “it really pisses me off when balls go underneath Rhys Hoskins’ chin”. Hoskins asked Kapler to not do the talking for him from now on.

Climate change may melt decades worth of human poop on Denali, the tallest mountain in North America. The name was previously changed from Mt. McKinley to Denali. If global warming exposes the excrement, the National Parks Service may change it again to Ramada.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck married his longtime girlfriend Nicole Pechanec, earning her the title of Lady Luck.

Conor McGregor, who retired from fighting after allegedly assaulting a woman in Ireland, tweeted he wants to fight ‘actress’ Mark Wahlberg to get his ownership stake in UFC. Given that McGregor has already assaulted a woman, a victory would raise his mixed-gender fighting record to 2-0.

Police responding to a medical call at a Bismarck, North Dakota business found “several” dead bodies.  Officials are calling it the second-worst-ever grand opening of Jersey Mike’s subs.

 

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A new clinical study claims that the Apple Watch can detect diabetes with 85% accuracy, great news for affluent, morbidly obese douchebags.

The City of Philadelphia is closing schools on Thursday to coincide with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles victory parade, as thousands of students line the streets to congratulate the Eagles, and thousands of dropouts line the halls of empty schools to loot them.

Since it snowed in Philadelphia on Wednesday and will continue to stay cold through Thursday, Santa Claus cancelled his appearance in the Eagles parade for his own safety.

Kylie Jenner announced ‘Stormi’ as the name of her newborn daughter, edging out ‘Buy My Baby’s Name.’

Sony announced an update to Playstation 4 software that allows parents to control how much time their children spend playing video games. The update also includes self-defense videos that parents can view to prepare for when their children use up their gaming time and throw controllers at them.

Wynn Resorts CEO and Founder Steve Wynn resigned amid claims of sexual misconduct at his company. Wynn says that he looks forward to pursuing sexual misconduct as a private citizen.

A former Connecticut high school principal and one-time ‘teacher of the year’ was sentenced to two years in prison for taking upskirt videos of young girls at Walmart, Five Below and Disney World. Prior to sentencing, the judge asked why he didn’t just order girls to the principal’s office.

New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels backed out of an agreement to become Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts. It’s rumored that McDaniels may have agreed to someday succeed Bill Belichick as Patriots Head Coach, or that he spent the day after the Super Bowl looking for something fun to do in Indianapolis.

Charlotte Veitner, University of Connecticut women’s field hockey all-time leading scorer, was arrested for shoplifting makeup from the campus bookstore. She was questioned by security as to why a women’s field hockey player would need makeup.

A woman in South Carolina was found outside a church holding her eyeball after intentionally hurting herself. She was subdued by sheriff’s deputies and EMTs, hospitalized, and will star in the movie being made from your Dad’s dirty joke book.

 

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An expert in the field of concussions called the NFL Concussion Protocol “a fraud” after Indianapolis Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was allowed to remain in the game after a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Brissett was examined in a private sideline tent by an NFL doctor, who asked him to cough.

Children waiting to see Santa at Minnesota’s Mall Of America witnessed several stabbing victims in what officials called a botched robbery at a nearby Macy’s. When they made it to Santa’s lap, those children vowed to be really, really nice.

Bill Gates pledged $100 Million to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Most of the money will go to research, with the rest used to buy thousands of lucky seniors a new brain.

Russian base jumper Valery Rozov died during an attempted 22,000 foot jump in the Himalayas, part of his heretofore successful quest to jump off the highest mountain on each continent. Rozov was mourned in a statement by his sponsor, Red Bull, who said they wished the drink had given him better wings.

President Trump asked his Chinese counterpart, Li Xinping, to help quickly resolve the case of 3 visiting UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting sunglasses during their team visit to China. President Li said he would personally oversee the players’ hands being chopped off.

The National Weather Service launched Joint Polar Satellite System 1, a new weather satellite promising a “quantum leap” forward in forecasting technology. The weather service said the satellite will improve accuracy and advance notice for severe weather events, but stopped short of saying it will minimize ground-level reliance on large-breasted women in tight skirts.

Toy maker Mattel announced the first Barbie doll to be clad in a hijab. The doll, part of the Barbie ‘Shero’ series of women heroes, is modeled after Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. Other Barbies will be updated with side-eye as they watch the Hijab Barbie on the shelf next to them.

Revised heart health guidelines from cardiac research groups mean an additional 30 Million Americans will be classified as having “high blood pressure”. This, after the same 30 Million Americans’ blood pressure spiked a day after casting votes for Hillary Clinton.

Kansas City police stopped questioning a suspect detained for drug & gun charges when the suspect’s flatulence drove the detective from the room. Sean Sykes was eventually charged with three firearms violations and cocaine possession, but has yet to enter a plea since all of his court-appointed attorneys quit. (h/t to John Levytsky!)

Weight Watchers introduced Cense – a new brand of diet wine – and a new variation of its in-person meetings called Weight Watchers Anonymous.

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.