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Whole Foods CEO John Mackey said people wouldn’t need health care if they ate right. He then visited his friend in the hospital who’s battling cancer with kale.

Kanye West is reportedly divorcing Kim Kardashian’s ass – which is legally accurate since it has its own separate attorney.

Conflicting reports say the couple is not yet divorcing, but are in couples counseling. The sessions last an hour, then someone other than Kanye gets to talk.

American Airlines is banning all emotional support animials. American was then served with a class action lawsuit from a group of guinea pigs with Platinum Elite frequent flier miles.

Dr. Dre was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital for treatment of a brain aneurysm. His estranged wife Nicole followed in a separate ambulance, demanding half of it.

Bed Bath & Beyond released an initial list of store closures. Shoppers living nearby are advised to seek still-open stores further Beyond.

Scotland’s leader Nicola Sturgeon said with the nation in lockdown, she would block Donald Trump from visiting his golf course there to avoid Joe Biden’s inauguration. That, and the course is so broke the guy who mows the grass quit anyway.

The Joint Session of Congress to count Electoral Votes will begin at 1pm – preceded at 11:00am by Congressional Interns count of enough lunches for everybody.

Washington DC will see large protests in support of Donald Trump today, including Proud Boys, 3 Percenters, the NRA, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Lebron James wants to form an ownership group to buy the WNBA Atlanta Dream from defeated Senator and Black Lives Matter denouncer Kelly Loeffler. By “ownership group” he means the pile of money put together from emptying out all of his pants pockets.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.

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Yahoo released its first Yahoo-branded smartphone, called the Yahoo ‘How Do I Return This & Get an iPhone’ Phone.

Walmart is temporarily removing guns & ammo from displays to prevent violence in the event of ‘civil unrest’ — meaning election results, or someone shooting their way out of the store with a newly stolen Xbox or PS5.

New Zealand voters approved euthanasia, but rejected recreational marijuana, in two separate referendums – disappointing terminally ill residents wanting to be stoned to death.

A winning $3 million scratch-off lottery ticket was sold at a Rite Aid pharmacy outside of Philadelphia. The pharmacy then announced they’re out of OxyContin for the near future.

McRib is returning to McDonald’s restaurants nationwide for the first time since 2012. It arrives December 2nd, to give people enough time to rest up after post-election riots so they can fight for one.

Apple One subscription bundles are available today. It costs $14.95/month and includes Apple Music, Apple TV+, Apple Arcade, iCloud, and bring-your-own arrogance & entitlement.

Kylie Jenner and friends posted Halloween party photos dressed as the Power Rangers. “May the force be with you!” she captioned the pics.

Kanye West’s 40th birthday present to wife Kim Kardashian West was a talking hologram of her father Robert Kardashian, who died in 2003. “Kim I’m so proud of you. So, what’s your stepdad Bruce up to?” asked hologram Robert.

A California patient is the first recorded case of simultaneous flu and COVID-19 infection. “Yeah, me too!” said their co-worker calling in sick for the next two weeks.

Researchers discovered table salt can break down the outer layer of COVID-19. So be sure to put some salt in your bleach before ingesting it, said Doctor Donald.

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Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

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Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson tested positive for COVID-19. Twenty Eagles fans called in to local sports talk radio demanding that he be fired.

TMZ reports Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are trying to ‘save’ their relationship – for at least 13 more episodes.

A salmonella outbreak in 35 states has been tied to red onions from California, with possible cross-contamination to white and yellow onions. The FDA has issued its first-ever ‘hold the onions’ order.

A Florida man bought a new $140,000 Porsche with a fake check he printed on his home computer. He was arrested a day later trying to buy Rolex watches with a different check, and is now waiting for a friend to print a check for bail.

Walmart now has ‘health ambassadors’ stationed at the front of stores in an attempt to enforce their rule requiring face masks – and their lesser-known rule requiring shoes and pants.

Tom Brady posted a photo to Instagram that showed he still uses an iPhone 6. Brady has yet to comment, but it’s probably difficult to move all that video of other team’s practices to a new phone.

A&E Network will premiere ‘Biography: The Nine Lives of Ozzy Osbourne’ on September 7th. The production took years to film, and more years deciphering what Ozzy was saying.

An Australian company is now selling a vodka infused with extreme hot sauce, Bunster’s Sh*t The Bed Infused Vodka. Drink it and you’ll be three sheets to the wind, and two sheets to the garbage can.

Pro wrestling twins Nikki and Brie Bella welcomed baby boys within a day of each other, after each tapped out of the birth canal.

Chinese automaker Kandi plans to introduce a low-cost electric car, the K27, which will retail for around $20,000. However it has a range of just 100 miles, and uses 500 AA batteries.

 

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A shark of “significant size” – sighted off the Long Island coast – closed beaches there. This was disappointing to both beachgoers, and to the shark, who hoped to dine on swimmers of “significant size”.

Women are posting black-and-white selfies with the caption “Challenge Accepted”, as a way of showing support for women peers. They’re also posting “Challenge Declined” after Donald Trump asked them to make the pictures nudes.

Philadelphia City Schools announced all classes will be held virtually from September through the first grading period in November. Dropouts will be invited to a dedicated Zoom lobby to transact their usual business online between classes.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, MacKenzie Scott, says she’s already given away $1.7 billion of her fortune. Her former pool boy is now retired and interviewing pool girls.

McDonald’s is closing 200 restaurants, over half of them are located inside Walmarts. They say Walmart managers are tired of senior citizens driving their cars through the entrance.

A source close to Kim Kardashian told the New York Post that Kim feels Kanye ‘may have hit rock bottom’ – after many years hitting big bottom.

Philadelphia exotic dancers held a “stripper strike” at a public park to create awareness toward improving working conditions at gentleman’s clubs. They also gave kids lots of new moves to try out on the climbing bars.

The camera used to record Los Angeles Police officers beating Rodney King in 1991 is going up for auction, with an asking price of $225,000. Cameras used to record hundreds of other acts of excessive police violence are available for a lot less at the Apple Store.

Budweiser is launching Budweiser Zero, a 50-calorie, alcohol free beer. Exectutives are hoping to steal market share from tap water.

A 1,000-year-old natural remedy made from onion, garlic, wine and bile salts has shown promise in clinical trials treating diabetic foot and leg infections. The trials began following diabetics showing improved symptoms after blacking out eating the Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden.

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Kim Kardashian joined husband Kanye West in Wyoming amid speculation about the future of their marriage. Kardashian was photographed crying next to West in the car as they left Wendy’s, presumably after looking up the calorie count of what she just ate.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Michael Kopech filed for divorce from his pregnant wife, ‘Riverdale’ actress Vanessa Morgan, after seeing a sonogram that appeared to have Jughead’s crown on it.

A Houston doctor who claims hydroxychloroquine is the cure for COVID-19 is daring Dr. Anthony Fauci to give a urine sample to prove he’s not taking it. She’s seeking the pants he urinated in right after he threw out that first pitch at the Nationals season opener.

Donald Trump, Jr had his Twitter account restricted after posting videos of the Houston doctor’s false claims of a COVID-19 cure. So, his assistant that knows how to work a smartphone is temporarily out of a job.

The GOP unveiled their latest $1 trillion coronavirus relief bill, reducing weekly unemployment payments from $600 to $200. “NOW what are we gonna do?” asked Jaguar dealers.

A Lynchburg, Virginia Chick-fil-A is offering a free entree and a $10 bill to anyone who exchanges a $10 roll of coins. Lynchburg, Virginia’s best & brightest immediately went to work creating a paper roll that holds a thousand pennies.

A woman died after an apparent shark attack while swimming in Maine. The shark doesn’t expect people to understand, but sometimes you just get sick of lobster.

Teens in Memphis rioted at a Putt-Putt golf course after being denied refunds after getting kicked out for their rowdy behavior. It got so bad, they’re still trying to remove the windmill from the clown’s mouth.

With kids everywhere bored over theme & water park closures during COVID-19 lockdowns, Wham-O classic backyard Slip ‘N Slide sales are up 160%. Also up 160% – emergency room visits for deep bone bruises.

The NFL will allow players to put the names of black crime victims on the back of their helmets. They won’t allow players to put their own names on the helmets, for fear they’ll look at it and cheat on their in-game concussion exams.

 

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Apple Watches will soon receive Watch OS 7, with even more metrics to measure your overall health. After installation, the default health assessment is “not great”.

A reporter was accused of calling White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany a “lying bitch” – but the claim was disproved by the White House’s official transcript of the briefing. However, “lying bitch” does appear in the official transcript of just about every Oval Office conversation.

Pfizer and BioNTech will get a $1.95 billion order for COVID-19 vaccines from the U.S. Government. It’s $1 million to develop the vaccine, and the rest to cover lawsuits.

The State Department ordered China to close their consulate in Houston. Although it was really less of a consulate, and more of a place for Chinese guys to hang out and hear NBA stories from Yao Ming.

Kanye West claims he’s trying to divorce Kim Kardashian, and is seeking advice from someone who knows a lot about divorce – Kim Kardashian.

A FedEx driver was captured on a doorbell camera refusing to assist an 89-year-old man who had fallen on his porch. He did put a tracking number on him so his family could see where he ended up.

Walmart announced it will no longer open stores on Thanksgiving Day, and will instead designate a new day for doorbuster sales so customers can be trampled.

A new study claims three simple acts can stop individuals from transmitting COVID-19: 1) wearing masks; 2) maintaining distancing; and 3) dying from it.

A construction worker in Osaka, Japan was arrested for writing ‘unkopuuuun’ – which translates to “pyewwww poop” – in permanent marker on a public toilet seat. The judge did praise his courtesy, since you needed to put the seat down to read it.

A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit filed by vegans against Burger King, who they claimed were deceived because the chain’s Impossible Whoppers are grilled next to beef. The dismissal ups Burger King’s record in food quality lawsuits to 1 win and 2,000 losses.

 

 

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Philadelphia-area Planet Fitness locations reopened on Monday.  Officials say if a COVID-19 case is traced to one of their gyms, they’ll close. However, if heart attacks are traced back to one, they’ll probably stay open.

Warner Brothers delayed the release of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Tenet’ once again. The film was expected to premiere in theaters on August 12th, but will likely not be screened for several months – or about as long as Christopher Nolan movie feels like.

KFC is partnering with a Russian company to develop lab grown materials to make 3D-printed chicken nuggets. If it’s succcessful, they’ll move up and print full-size chickens without heads.

Mike Tyson will fight a great white shark as part of Discovery Networks Shark Week. Tyson said his motivation is revenge for the two staffers killed trying to put trunks on the shark.

On Thursday, in honor of National Wine & Cheese Day, a three-liter box of rosé wine paired with a jumbo box of Cheez-Its goes on sale for $29.99.  They say purchasers can expect the combo to result in the palest of pink vomit.

Insiders say Kanye West’s behavior – including controversial statements about Harriet Tubman, abortion, and the Kardashian family – may result in the divorce from Kim that everyone expected six years ago.

Google Maps released a new feature, location data for the nearest place to rent a bicycle. Once you rent the bike, Maps enters 9-1-1 so you just hit ‘Send’ once you get hit by a car.

The CDC added mouth lesions to its list of suspected coronavirus symptoms, which now includes “everything”.

Researchers developed a material called ‘Proteus’, the world’s first non-cuttable material, to be used in bike locks and indestructible armor. It’s made with ceramic spheres encased in cellular aluminum, and inspired by the sirloin special at Texas Roadhouse.

Instagram will let users conduct their own fundraisers. The feature comes after studying hundreds of thousands of comments reading “how much $ to see your boobs?”

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Police charged three people with murder after finding a dead body wrapped in plastic on the roof of a New York City McDonald’s. Though cops were pretty happy to finally be dealing with a corpse that smelled like french fries.

20-year-old pairs figure skater Ekaterina Alexandrovskaya died. Her funeral is scheduled for six months from now, when the guy finally finishes chiseling her name into a grave stone.

Some companies are embracing the concept of ‘open hiring’ – where employees are hired without resumes or interviews. The companies still have Human Resources departments, because they need to fire people and plan office birthday parties in the break room.

Football stars trended the hashtag #WeWantToPlay while criticizing the NFL’s lack of a comprehensive plan for coronavirus. In response, the league announced the COVID-19 Protocol, where every concussed player gets a free coronavirus exam in the tent.

Model Chrissy Teigen posted pics of scars on her breasts, claiming “nobody believes” that she had breast reduction surgery. She’ll post more racy pics no one asked for because “nobody believes” she’s getting enough attention.

Black staffers at Fox News accused the channel’s executives of creating a ‘white supremacist cell’.  The execs disagreed, saying that it’s really a large cluster of cells.

Donald Trump told Fox News Chris Wallace he ‘aced’ a cognitive skills test, and Wallace countered by saying one of the skills was ‘counting backward from 100 by 7s’. Trump said he’s so smart, he was able to get from 100 to 0 in just three numbers.

Kanye West reportedly wants Jay Z to be his vice presidential running mate. Jay Z said he doesn’t need the hundredth problem.

The Director of Pediatric Medicine at Tufts University says teens need access to condoms to prevent them using alternatives like plastic wrap and plastic bags – because many times they decide to have sex somewhere other than their kitchen.

A U.S. Customs & Border Patrol team has been moved from the U.S./Mexico border to Portland, Oregon to deal with a wave of protests, and to pick up some exttra cash helping Mexican drug lords get product to far-away Portland, Oregon.