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A Texas man changed his name to Literally Anybody Else so that he could announce his candidacy for U.S. President. He has yet to choose a running mate, but is leaning toward Whatever Dude and Who T.F. Cares.

A new study finds young people get most of their calories from processed food. Seizing the opportunity, Oscar Mayer plans to expand the Lunchables line to Breakfastables, Dinnerables and Snackables.

Joe Biden tested positive for COVID. Democrats are recommending he quarantine until at least the middle of November.

Ford will spend billions to expand large pickup truck production in a plant it had originally had planned for electric cars. They’ll also expand production of Truck Nutz in a plant originally intended for EV Nutz.

Amazon Prime Day drove a record $14.2 billion in sales, an 11% increase over 2023. A slightly lower 10% increase was recorded in delivery driver heat strokes.

Costco is selling an “apocalypse bucket” with food that will last 25 years. The bucket contains 80 entrees & sides, 30 breakfast servings, 40 powdered drink servings, and an Uber Eats Apocalypse coupon for when it runs out.

Kris Jenner underwent a hysterectomy to remove an ovarian tumor. Her boyfriend Corey Gamble said the worst part of her recovery was “not hooking up for two weeks”. And the second-worst part was “losing camera time to the tumor”.

An account on gaming website Steam which was believed to belong to Donald Trump’s assassin was determined to be fake. However an account belonging to him was verified on Out Of Steam.

Tiger Woods arrived to compete in The Open Championship in Scotland – as host course Royal Troon opened up a four-day pop-up Perkins Pancake house for him to spend time with hostesses.

14-year-old Cavan Sullivan made his Major League Soccer debut in the 85th minute for the Philadelphia Union in their 5-1 victory over the New England Revolution. Gracious Philadelphia sports fans say they’ll wait at least until he’s 16 before telling him he sucks.

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In San Francisco, driverless robotaxi Waymo ended their trial period and now opened up service to everyone. Three homeless people with no means to pay have been sharing the same ride around town for a week.

The City of Wilmington, Delaware opened an ‘outdoor classroom’ in Cool Springs Park. A dozen squirrels and raccoons have already dropped out.

Queen sold its music catalog to Sony for $1.26 billion. The original amount was slightly higher, but Queen had to pay Sony several million dollars to take ‘Radio Gaga’.

Snapchat introduced new safety features to protect teen users. Teens now need a parent’s permission to send a picture of their breasts or penis to some guy they just met.

Totally Cool ice cream company is recalling over 60 brands of ice cream for possible listeria contamination. The brands include Friendly’s, and eating the ice cream could result in a Jim Dandy case of nausea and diarrhea.

The Supreme Court ruled that the White House and FBI can instruct social media companies to remove disinformation. This means Facebook, X, Instagram and others could be responsible for removing deepfake videos, election falsehoods, and every layer of filters on Kardashian/Jenner photos.

Viral home security video shows an Illinois man chasing off an intruder by swinging a frying pan until police arrived and asked if the man could put down the frying pan and make them breakfast.

71-year-old Marissa Tiejo is the oldest contestant to compete for the title of Miss Texas. For the talent competition, she drank a 16-ounce bottle of water and remained on stage for a full 30 minutes.

72-year-old Bill Belichick and his 23-year-old girlfriend Jordan Hudson have reportedly been living together for months. Hudson reportedly moved in after Belichick opened up his bedroom for Mandatory Off-Season Workouts.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Hunter Greene vomited on the mound during a pitching appearance. The contents of his stomach were clocked at 94 mph.

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Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.

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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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There’s a growing “fictosexual” movement in Japan, where both men and women have emotional and sexual relationships with holograms. Some have even married the holograms, then divorced when the hologram catches them cheating with a love doll.

Actor Bill Murray discussed his misbehavior that resulted in the shutdown of a movie, ‘Being Mortal’, in which he costars. “I did something I thought was funny, and it wasn’t taken that way”. Murray’s quote also describes his last 12 comedy roles.

A Colorado prison inmate assigned to work on a poultry farm became the first U.S. resident to test positive for bird flu. Then the chicken broke up with him.

A formal McDonald’s manager said she would never order the restaurant’s “sweet tea”, since every gallon of the beverage includes a pound of sugar. She describd the tea as “not sweet enough”.

The Met Gala is Monday night, with the entire Kardashian-Jenner family rumored to be attending, with the exception of Rob Kardashian, who was “snubbed”. Rob denies being snubbed, and says instead he’ll be attending the Burger King Drive-Thru Gala.

Pickleball courts are being demanded by builders of high-end luxury homes and mansions, saying wealthy residents are tired of having backyard heart attacks on tennis and basketball courts.

Scientists believe there is an “anti-universe” mirroring our current reality, that runs backward in time and explains the presence of “dark matter”. Republicans like the idea of the back-in-time part, but aren’t so crazy about the dark matter.

Scientists published a report claiming seven hours of sleep is the right amount for senior citizens. Although they’re not sure how to pass the time when they wake up at 1 a.m. after going to bed at 6.

Celebrity couple Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly admitted drinking small amounts of each other’s blood, so the leader of a New Orleans vampire club warned them to test it for diseases. He said he’d do it, but they’d need to drop it off at night.

Shaquille O’Neal claims he’s trying to go vegan for better health as he gets older. The good news is that hundreds of cows and chickens will live; the bad news is his plant-based eating threatens the rainforest.

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Best Buy recalled over 700,000 air fryers because of a safety risk, with one reportedly causing burns to a child’s leg. Police also arrested a man accused of trying to eat a child’s leg.

The Kardashian family asked a judge to dismiss Blac Chyna’s defamation lawsuit against the family. Or, at the very least, to let them take pictures of each other in the courtroom since they each went three hours without posting anything to Instagram.

JC Penney made an $8.6 billion offer to buy Kohl’s. The deal is subject to antitrust review since the merged store would effectively corner the market on dumpy mom outfits.

General Motors announced they’ll launch a fully-electric Corvette around the 2024 model year, promising it’ll go from Zero to Totaled On A Telephone Pole in several seconds.

China will test 20 million citizens in an effort to lift the lockdown in Shanghai. The tests will take a couple of days, the hard part is getting everyone the pagers to let them know it’s their turn.

Delta Airlines will start paying flight attendants during boarding, versus when the aircraft door closes. Passengers are now encouraged to have their drunken fistfights before departure so the crew gets paid more during the delay.

Following the death of Japan’s 119-year-old Kane Tanaka, a French nun called Sister Andre is now the World’s Oldest Person at 118 years, 73 days. Sister Andre said she’s considering ending her career as a nun so she can finally have sex.

A doorbell camera captured an alligator scratching the door of a Florida home. Then a female alligator opened the door and said she wasn’t letting him in until he sobered up.

A Little League baseball game in South Carolina was halted due to gunshots. The game resumed after the kid in right field said the gun went off while he was cleaning it.

63-year-old Madonna posted on Instagram, wearing fishnet tights with her legs spread and grabbing her crotch. She captioned the photo “found my car keys”.

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A man inhaled a dental drill bit into his lung while having a cavity filled. Doctors removed it and are now busily filling the six cavities in his windpipe.

A Wisconsin mother of identical triplet boys uses color-coded toenail paint to tell them apart – at least until she finds a tattoo parlor willing to ink the names on their asses.

Banking giant JP Morgan Chase unveiled plans for a new 60-story headquarters tower in New York City, powered entirely by renewable energy. Specifically, harnessing methane gas generated by workers and tourists at hot dog & falafel carts on the block.

A man received a $450,000 settlement after suing his former employer, who incited a panic attack at a workplace birthday party in his honor. The man said he’ll probably never return to work at Chuck E Cheese.

A federal judge blocked the mask mandate for U.S. airlines, giving a victory to airline passengers who want to spit on flight attendants after they punch them.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man became the 11th in history to record a perfect score on the original arcade version of Pac-Man. He was recognized posthumously, since he died because they didn’t notice his playing the game while they demolished the abandoned Pizza Hut around him.

Moscow’s Mayor said economic sanctions against Russia resulted in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the city. To make ends meet, tens of thousands of displaced workers are applying to Moscow’s only food delivery service, BorschtDash.

The new trailer for Marvel’s Thor: Love & Thunder has some fans concerned that Thor is gay. And quite a few of them positively thrilled that Thor is gay.

The new USFL premiered over the weekend, with the season kickoff game between the Birmingham Stallions & New Jersey Generals viewed by an estimated 2.95 prison inmates and gambling addicts.

Jury selection started in Blac Chyna’s defamation trial against the Kardashian family. Lawyers are seeking 12 jurors and 2 alternates who can remain impartial while pretending to listen to testimony while staring at boobs.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.