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Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.

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Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce spent Easter Sunday in Philadelphia at the home of Jason Kelce, then returned to L.A. on her jet, where she recorded two hastily-written bonus tracks for her upcoming album, Not For Nothin’; & Jawn With The Wind.

New research claims dogs are able to associate some words with objects. Other research finds cats are able to associate an infinite number of objects and actions with “food”.

Adidas will redesign the number 4 on Germany’s national soccer team jerseys, after complaints that it resembles a symbol of Nazi paramilitary units. They’ll implement a new design just as soon as they fill all the backorders from Germany and the U.S.

Discount grocer Lidl is recalling macarons in 9 states due to potentially “lethal” mislabeling which omitted allergens in them. No deaths have been officially reported, but flags are flying at half-mast on Sesame Street.

Beyonce’s ‘Cowboy Carter’ country album broke single-day streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music & elsewhere. The hundreds of millions of streams are expected to earn Bey royalties in excess of $300.

The number of U.S. workers over the age of 75 is expected to nearly double over the next decade. Translation: your fast food will likely be about half as fast.

‘Oppenheimer‘ was finally released in Japan – the only country to experience a nuclear strike. Afterward, many viewers said the experience left them bitter and sad, but that they’ll still see the Japan-produced sequel, Oppenheimer vs Godzilla.

Comedian Daniel Tosh shared an unsubstantiated rumor that Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Timothee Chalamet’s baby. Chalamet has reportedly been Dune her for months.

Actor Bill Murray hired a private investigator to find his cell phone after leaving it in an Uber. Murray successfully found the phone and determined he’d received zero acting offers.

LSU’s Angel Reese and Iowa’s Caitlin Clark – who’d sparred in Iowa’s 2023 national championship loss – exchanged a hug and whispers after Iowa won last night’s rematch. Clark said she told Reese to continue being great, and Reese told Clark to maybe think about makeup once in a while.

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Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.

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Bradley Cooper attended his 30th high school reunion in suburban Philadelphia – but was still unable to convince anyone there to watch Maestro.

Amazon reported record-breaking orders over the Black Friday holiday weekend, with workers filling over 400 million bottles of urine.

Tiger Woods announced he’ll return to play at the Hero World Challenge in the Bahamas. Tiger said his putting and iron shots are good, but that his driving still occasionally puts him in a ditch with a shattered ankle.

The NHL Chicago Blackhawks terminated the contract of forward Corey Perry, and attempted to squash rumors that he’d had sex with the mother of 18-year-old teammate Conor Bedard. For the record, Bedard’s mom said she’s only interested in Chicago Bulls.

After working Thanksgiving and Sunday games, CBS Sports will give Tony Romo & Jim Nantz a break in NFL Week 13. NBC Sports announced that, despite an online petition with 75 million signatures, Cris Collinsworth will still call the Sunday night game.

Melania Trump attended Rosalynn Carter’s funeral, and was the only former White House resident in attendance not wearing black. She explained her husband told her she was attending a runway show during Plains, Georgia Fall Fashion Week.

Kansas announced a redesign of their 2024 license plate after complaints from residents who say the word KANSAS is too big and makes them vulnerable to insults from other motorists.

High winds toppled the National Christmas Tree at the White House – continuing the trend of the last two Presidents who also couldn’t stay erect.

Kylie Jenner flew to London to attend boyfriend Timothee Chalamet’s ‘Wonka‘ movie premiere – where she joined Chalamet at the after-party while he affectionately caressed her WonkaDonk.

An underaged girl – alleged to have had an inappropriate relationship with Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey – and her family are not cooperating with the NBA’s investigation. The family is requesting privacy while the girl waits in line to see Santa.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour will be released as a concert movie this fall – giving 14-year-old girls a way to get started in business by scalping movie tickets.

A Connecticut man who found a bag containing $5,000 was arrested for larceny after he kept the money, which belonged to a local bank. The man admits he should have returned the money, but wondered what the bank was doing with all the heroin in the bag.

Artificial intelligence will be used to listen to online gamers playing Call Of Duty, and will ban them when & if they use toxic language toward other gamers. Then, AI will attempt to recruit them to the U.S. Army.

Walgreens fired their CEO, as store visits and impulse purchases dropped due to fewer people coming in for COVID vaccines. They plan to turn things around by recruiting a new CEO who’s currently running a lab in Wuhan, China.

Over 70,000 attendees began their exodus from Burning Man festival, where they’d been trapped due to thick mud. At least 15,000 people trying to leave were trapped again after following Google Maps advice for a quicker route.

Kylie Jenner and actor Timothee Chalamet went public with their romance. They were seen together at a Beyonce concert as the ‘Wonka’ star kissed Kylie and fondled her oompa-loompas.

A Delta flight from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to make an emergency landing because of a passenger’s diarrhea “throughout the airplane”, creating what the pilot called a “biohazard” and passengers called “a poor-fitting diaper”.

An Alexis retractor – a medical device the size of a dinner plate – was found inside of a woman 18 months after she had a baby via c-section. Oddly enough, she gave birth to the retractor naturally.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw resigned to take a leadership position with the Port Authority of New York & New Jersey. She’ll be tasked with getting Port Authority shootings & carjackings up to Philadelphia levels.

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On the season finale of The Kardashians, Kylie Jenner said she regrets getting a boob job at a young age, but added it was a pretty great 12th birthday.

Doctors now say isometric exercise is a good way to lower blood pressure, along with cardio exercise, or stopping your heart altogether.

Donald Trump is now charged with conspiring to destroy Mar A Lago surveillance footage in the classified documents case. Trump is said to be furious, since co-defendants also deleted footage from the ladies locker room.

Mitch McConnell’s representatives said he’ll serve through 2024 as GOP leader in the Senate, after he communicated his intentions to them through mind-meld.

Fan activity from a Taylor Swift concert in Seattle registered 2.3 on a seismometer. It’s believed to be the first time 50,000 people paid over $1,000 each to be in an earthquake.

Divorcing couple Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are fighting for custody of their dog, Bubbles. However, Sofia will retain sole custody of her own bubbles.

Dr. Katharine Roxanne Grawe, aka “Dr. Roxy”, had her Ohio medical license revoked for posting TikTok videos during cosmetic surgery she performed – including breast augmentation and Brazilian butt lifts – without patient consent. TLC also cancelled her planned tv show, Doctor Bra Popper.

A Spirit Airlines passenger urinated on the floor of the jet next to an exit door, after claiming she’d been denied use of the lavatory for two hours. Spirit’s spokesperson said she was only denied use of the bathroom because she refused to pay the $20 checked-urine fee.

The Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska wants to give homeless people one-way tickets to warmer climates before the start of frigid Alaska winter. Hearing of the deal, many longtime Anchorage residents have filed to declare themselves homeless.

A 39-year-old Florida manatee died earlier this year after having “high-intensity” sex with its brother at the aquarium where they both lived. Counselors were made available to the fourth-grade students visiting the aquarium on a field trip that day.

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Miami Beach declared a State Of Emergency following a wave of Spring Break violence. Police continue to monitor a crisis at the MTV Beach House where Vanilla Ice and Color Me Badd have so far refused to release hostages.

Indiana’s GOP Governor Mike Holcomb vetoed a bill banning transgender athletes from school sports – which has nothing to do with his daughter being one home run away from her school’s softball season record.

The body of a man missing for 10 years was found in the freezer of an abandoned London pub. Anyone who ordered the Shepherds Pie in 2012 is advised to get checked out.

Video shows a preschool teacher leading 4-year-olds in an anti-Joe Biden chant – followed by several of the kids complaining that they’re not learning anything in Ms. Palin’s class.

A tornado touched down at a Walmart in Texas. As employees and shoppers ran for cover, the tornado looted several big-screen TVs.

IQAir, a company tracking global air quality, ranked Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands & French New Caledonia as the best. The worst are India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and the ladies room of The View.

Kylie Jenner announced her new son with Travis Scott is no longer named Wolf, because it didn’t feel like it suited him, and because it’s too difficult to spell.

The District Of Columbia sued Grubhub for “deceptive trade practices”, such as excessive fees, and promising food would arrive hot and free of spit.

Over 100,000 Android phone users have been hacked by a Facebook-password-stealing app Craftsart Cartoon Photo Tools. The app turns your pics into a cartoon of you complaining that your nudes just got sent to all of your Facebook friends.

David Rush broke the Guinness World Record by ‘fist-bumping’ 152 people in a minute – a feat made more impressive because many participants kept forgetting and tried shaking his hand instead.

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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.