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Nicole Young filed for divorce from rap mogul Dr. Dre, her husband of 25 years, citing irreconcilable differences. She would not elaborate, saying it’s like this and like that and like this, and uh..

Over 200 members at a Planet Fitness in West Virginia may require 14 days of quarantine after COVID-19 infections were traced there. “Skip the gym for two weeks?? Oh no!!..” they said.

The Supreme Court blocked a Louisiana law that would have made it all but impossible for women to get an abortion in the state. Next up they’ll rule on a different Louisiana law prohibiting parents from telling their daughters where babies come from.

The Mississippi state legislature voted to redo the state’s flag, removing the Confederate battle symbol. No word on the new flag, but the committee is looking for someone real good at drawing pictures of guns.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin resigned their membership at the Bel Air Country Club, after other members complained that they’re now felons. Coincidentally, they paid a half million dollars to get in to Bel Air CC too.

Cirque du Soleil filed for bankruptcy.  Executives plan to continue operations, but say financial management will be a real high wire act.

Scientists at University of California – Davis doing protein research accidentally cured Parkinson’s disease symptoms in mice. The mice were briefly happy, but then got pissed off at the same scientists for giving them Parkinson’s to begin with.

26 National Hockey League players tested positive for COVID-19, risking the restart of the season. They’ll each self-isolate for two weeks, plus an additional two minutes for delay of game.

Broadway theaters will remain closed until January. Sensing an opportunity from people desperate to waste money on bloated song-and-dance routines, Universal raised the price of ‘Cats’ on Blu-ray to $99.

Amazon Prime Video introduced ‘Watch Party’, where you can view content together with people in other locations. So now you can tell someone in a totally different state to shut up because you can’t hear The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

 

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Pokemon Go will get ‘reality blending’ updates in June, where Pokemon can hide behind real life objects, and mug you to free the other Pokemon you’ve already captured.

Hertz Rental Car filed for bankruptcy. They blame low usage during the pandemic, and the inability to charge $6 for a gallon of gas.

A researcher in Japan created a lickable surface that can recreate almost any flavor without eating the associated food. It’s thought to be a game-changing breakthrough for both weight loss and oral sex.

NASA is scheduled to launch two American astronauts into space in a Tesla Falcon 9 rocket on Wednesday. They’re expected to arrive at the International Space Station after they circle the Earth a couple of times on the way looking for a recharging station.

Twitter labeled two of Donald Trump’s tweets “Potentially Misleading” in accordance with their new fact-checking policy. Twitter may skip reviewing individual tweets and just label Trump’s account “Totally Misleading”.

Chrissy Teigen told her 29 million Instagram followers that she’s getting her breast implants removed. She received over a million comments from creeps asking if they could have them.

Dairy Queen unveiled a vegan Dilly Bar — it’s non-dairy chocolate covering three brussels sprouts on a stick.

Ford created software for police cars that heat the interior to 133 degrees for 15 minutes to kill disease-causing germs. Cops can hit the switch, go sit in Dunkin Donuts for a while, then return to a disinfected car and a more cooperative perp in the backseat.

A judge refused to immediately accept Lori Loughlin’s guilty plea and prison term in the college admissions scandal, choosing instead to render his decision at a Very Special Sentencing Episode on August 21st.

City of Philadelphia officials are moving 50 to 100 homeless people from an unused baggage claim area at Philadelphia International Airport during the pandemic. The people will be bused to various locations, but somehow their bags ended up in Miami.

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Donald Trump explained his opposition to mail-in voting, saying “voting is an honor”. He added “there’s only one thing more important than honor…in ‘er.” [ED NOTE: This is an old street joke that I first saw when it was told in an interview by actor John Wayne.]

Lori Loughlin will plead guilty to fraud in the College Admissions Scandal. “Have mercy!” said her mullet-haired lawyer.

Johns Hopkins University researchers say the coronavirus has infected its 5 Millionth person, although they are baffled as to who should get the balloons and confetti.

Three people were shot near a reopened shopping & entertainment district in a suburb of Phoenix. Residents expressed relief that things are getting back to normal.

The Masked Singer crowned its new champion, Kandi Burruss – who said she’ll probably put her costume back on so people would know who the hell she is.

Todd Tilghman won The Voice. “Who’s Todd Tilghman?” asked Kandi Burruss.

Sylvester Stallone is hosting a ‘Rocky’ watch party on Facebook. The party will last four hours – 90 minutes for the movie, and 2 1/2 hours so a translator can decipher what Stallone is mumbling.

Experts say public swimming pools may be closed in areas with large numbers of COVID-19 cases. It’s either that, or kids drown when they struggle to breathe through a wet facemask.

An unnamed NFL player from New Jersey claims a female passenger on a United Airlines flight sexually assaulted him, repeatedly groping his thighs and crotch. The woman was moved to a different seat, where other male passengers fought to sit next to her.

A 43-year-old male nurse in San Francisco showed in before & after pics how a six-week battle with COVID-19 caused him to lose 50 pounds. After seeing the photos, Weight Watchers told its members coronavirus counts as zero points.

 

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A 104-year-old Minnesota woman recovered after a bout with coronavirus. Details of her treatment were not revealed, but it’s believed the virus choked to death on the dust.

Google and Apple are collaborating on a smartphone app where users self-report exposure to coronavirus to enable contact tracing. Tinder and Match are collaborating on their own similar app, to enable contact banging.

Walt Disney World is furloughing 43,000 employees, and is now the Emptiest Place On Earth.

Mossimo Giannulli – co-defendant with wife Lori Loughlin in the college admissions scandal – berated a guidance counselor who questioned whether his daughter was a college-level rower. It’s believed to be the first time someone has questioned the expertise of a guidance counselor.

Smoking pot makes users more susceptible to lung damage from coronavirus. Experts advise the best way for them to stay safe is to stay inside, alone, and smoke pot – which they’re pretty okay with.

A female zebra in Kenya mated with a donkey and gave birth to a rare ‘zonkey’. In a related story, a male zebra in Kenya filed for divorce.

Ronda Rousey said she quit WWE Wrestling because of the ungrateful fans. WWE fans want her to return so they can properly hate her back.

Dallas Cowboys stars Ezekiel Elliott and Dak Prescott appeared to violate stay-at-home guidelines, attending a birthday party rumored to have 30 people at Prescott’s home. No arrests were made, but they may face penalties for too many women in the huddle.

One of the nation’s largest pork processing plants is closing due to a rash of employees infected with coronavirus, and pigs social distancing.

Theater chain AMC is reportedly in bankr talks – but not until after the movie.

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Some Instacart customers are luring employees to fulfill their orders with tips of $50 or more, then removing them after receiving their order. A new startup, Instavandal, identifies them so enterprising punks can absolutely trash their houses & lawns.

Saturday Night Live returns this weekend with new, remotely-produced content – but somehow Pete Davidson has a conflict and can’t do it.

A new study published in journal Science theorizes that a crew of monkeys rode a natural raft from Africa to South America around 35 million years ago. As for why the monkeys took to the sea, they say pteradactyls charged too much for airfare.

Singapore stopped teachers from using Zoom, after men crashed a teen girls geography class to make lewd comments. To discourage future class disruptions, Singapore teachers are inviting the men to watch disruptive teen girls caned during detention instead.

Melania Trump shared a photo of herself wearing a cloth facemask. Asked where she got it, she said she still had it from her days robbing convenience stores back in Slovenia.

Scientists created a mutant enzyme that decomposes one ton of plastic bottles in 10 hours. They tried it out on a day’s worth of Mountain Dew bottles collected while TLC Network recorded new episodes of ‘My 600-Lb Life’.

Mark Wahlberg is hosting a second Instagram Live workout from his home; this time, he’s hoping to see some straight guys watching it.

A new website, imisstheoffice.eu , plays audio to replicate sounds common at most offices. You can even navigate to the executive-only floor to hear how the cute new hire got the promotion instead of you.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the rowing machine photos of Lori Loughlin’s daughters, submitted to get them on the USC Crew Team. Daughter Bella is seen leaning back mid-stroke, while Olivia Jade is pouring water under hers.

In a recent poll, 72% of Americans said they would not attend sporting events in person prior to a successful COVID-19 vaccine. The number increased to 99% when asked specifically about their preteen kids’ tee ball & soccer games.

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Following a disappointing box office debut for ‘Birds of Prey’, Warner Bros. and DC Comics asked theaters to change the name to ‘Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey’. Apparently a different studio tried this a couple months ago with ‘Taylor Swift: Cats’, but she sued for $100 million to stop it.

UK reality tv star Cecilia Jastrzembska was arrested in Maldives for wearing a bikini near a mosque. She was held for an hour an a half until cops were able to correctly spell her last name.

Southwest Airlines, as part of standard preflight announcements, is now asking passengers to report ‘unwelcome behavior’. So far no passengers have reported unwelcome touching, but dozens have reported flight attendants for lousy jokes.

Google’s head of human resources is stepping down amidst employee tension over the right to protest, and after a series of terrible cakes purchased for employee birthday parties in the break room.

A New York deli is offering customers five seconds to grab free food if they can solve simple math problems. Some deli patrons are offering the deli owners their life if they can solve how to hand over all the cash in the register.

A franchisee that owns 73 Sonic Drive-In locations declared bankruptcy. They say they face huge debt, reduced cash flow, and a mountain of lawsuits to clean up car interiors where customers threw up chili cheesedogs.

Disney World Hollywood Studios’ ‘Star Wars: A Galaxy Far, Far Away’ – a stage show featuring characters acting out scenes – will shut down this month. In its place, Darth Vader, Chewbacca, Rey & Kylo Ren will star in ’12 Angry Men, Wookies & Droids’.

Lloyd Black, a 91-year-old who exercises in denim overalls, is ‘Member of the Month’ at Anytime Fitness in Semmes, Alabama. He says he wears baggy overalls because they’re comfortable, and they hide his excitement seeing women working out in yoga overalls.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the fake rowing resume that Lori Loughlin’s daughter used to gain admission to USC. They say suspicions were raised when she referred to oars as water-paddle-thingies.

Virginia lawmakers officially made it legal for unmarried couples to have sex. Although rarely enforced, couples previously faced fines up to $250 for intercourse. In a related move, Virginia Beach prostitutes announced a $150 price drop.

 

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.

 

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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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A child in New Jersey found heroin in his trick-or-treat bag after a party. Police estimated the street value of the heroin to be a dozen fun-size Snickers bars.

  • As for the child, he regrets confusing treat-givers by dressing as Kurt Cobain for Halloween.

Lebron James was forced to evacuate his Los Angeles area home due to wildfires. He then asked the fire chief to think about trading for better firefighters.

Philadelphia International Airport is hosting displays of zoo animals – ones from the Philadelphia Zoo, not the ones flying to Eagles road games.

An Indiana man has become a viral sensation for videos where he poses as ‘Halloween’ murderer Michael Myers. He’s the scariest white-faced Hoosier ghoul since Mike Pence was Governor.

iPhone and iPad users will be allowed to opt out from having humans listen to their questions to Siri. The human listeners hope more people opt out, too, so they don’t have to hear creeps ask about Siri’s underwear.

Amazon made home grocery delivery free for Prime members. So far there have been multiple reports of porch pirates stealing deliveries but leaving the broccoli.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli are reportedly “at the breaking point” and may plead guilty in the college admission scandal. They reconsidered when prosecutors added a third felony charge, causing the live studio audience to go “Oooooooh!!”

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson dressed as Jay-Z for Halloween, and was immediately criticized for dressing in black-er-face.

Country singer & actor Tim McGraw said he lost 40 pounds when his then-11-year-old daughter said he looked “big” watching him in the film ‘Four Christmases’. McGraw thanked his daughter for being one of the few people who could sit through ‘Four Christmases’.

Bud Light honored viral ‘hero’ Jeff Adams, who took a home run ball to the chest at the World Series instead of dropping two Bud Lights. The brewer sent him to Game 6 and said he’ll receive Bud Lights “for life” – assuming he only drinks Bud Light, it’ll just be a couple more years.

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.