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Johnson & Johnson is recalling some Aveeno and Neutrogena brand sunscreens because they may contain a carcinogen. Or, as they call it, a quicker way to get skin cancer.

Top U.S. Generals believed Donald Trump was setting the stage for a January coup to remain in office. But it took them a while to realize it, because Trump kept referring to it as a “coop”.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is suing Amazon for selling faulty carbon monoxide detectors, flammable children’s pajamas, and hair dryers that could electrocute people. However, they were satisfied with the prices they paid for the items on Prime Day.

Actor Jerry O’ Connell will replace Sharon Osbourne and become the first male panelist on ‘The Talk’. He’ll face away from the camera so the female co-hosts can talk about him behind his back.

A Utah company has stopped selling a kit that encases Glock handguns in Lego bricks, after multiple people reported injuries from stepping on the guns.

In a medical first, a paralyzed man’s brain waves have been turned into sentences. Researchers only shared the second sentence he thought of, because his first thoughts were about his young female nurse.

Pittsburgh Steelers QB Dwayne Haskins lost a tooth during a fight with his wife. She was charged with felony battery and penalized 15 yards for an illegal blow to the head.

Britney Spears is allowed to hire her own lawyer, and wants to sue her father for mismanaging her conservatorship. She’s hoping to take back control of her life and money, and finally buy a unicorn.

Netflix plans to offer video games on its service within the next year, then it’ll cancel your favorite game after one level.

An 18-year-old will accompany Jeff Bezos on his Blue Origin rocket launch. His job is to repeatedly ask “Are we in space yet?”

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Donald Trump’s allies launched a new social media app, GETTR, to promote discussions free of cancel culture and liberal bias. Those eager to see it fail are already waiting to say “GETTR done”.

The NFL fined the Washington Football Team $10 million for creating a hostile workplace culture. Owner Daniel Snyder said he was stepping away from day-to-day operations, as the embarrassment left his skin red.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg’s fraud charges include using company funds to pay for his grandson’s school tuition. Only he was so dumb, the payments were made to Trump University.

Wally Funk, an 82-year-old woman and former NASA astronaut-in-training, will join Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, his brother Mark, and someone who paid $28 million, on the inaugural Blue Origin space flight. “So, anybody know what they’re doing?” they’ll ask each other during countdown.

A Boeing 737 cargo jet was forced to land in the ocean near Honolulu after experiencing engine failure. Customers who got emails saying “Great News! Your shipment is on the way!”..received follow-up emails, “Not-So-Great News!…”

Actress Raven Symone said her wife is the one to be thanked for Symone’s 30-pound weight loss, calling her “a terrible cook”.

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, is now the mother of a baby girl. Heard, who infamously pooped in Depp’s bed, said her baby is already pooping in hers.

The woman who held up a sign and allegedly caused a multi-bike crash at the Tour de France has been arrested. She was ordered to pay for all of the Band Aids needed to fix the boo-boos of the impacted cyclists.

The head of Instagram said it’s “no longer a photo-sharing app”. “Coulda fooled me” said millions of creeps ogling women.

West Nile virus has been found in mosquitoes in Washington state. But since the temperatures in Washington have reached 100 degrees, the bugs plan to return to the actual West Nile in Africa, where it’s cooler.

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A golfer at Tom Brady’s country club found one of his personalized golf balls, a Titleist labeled with the number 12 and his seven Super Bowl wins. The guy who found it said it felt underinflated.

Southwest Airlines is being criticized for canceling 600 flights and delaying 4,000 others over the last weekend. A spokesperson said the disruption was caused by severe thunderstorm activity, and flight attendants running out of dad jokes.

IKEA introduced a line of LGBTQ+ themed sofas, where gay, trans, and non-binary couples can sit to work things out after brawling about assembling the other furniture.

Justin Bieber asked fans to stop staking out the entrance to his New York apartment. They complied, and were replaced by a different group of fans staking out his New York apartment.

Khloe Kardashian turned 37, and shared a rare photo of her brother, Rob Kardashian. Khloe is believed to be the only photographer who wants a picture of Rob Kardashian.

‘Wonder Woman’ Gal Gadot gave birth to her third child, and was granted three months’ maternity leave by the Super Friends.

TLC Network canceled the Duggar Family reality show, ‘Counting On’, after Josh Duggar’s arrest for child pornography. Pending his trial and sentencing, TLC may give him a new show, ’19 Prison Beatdowns & Counting’.

Kataluna Enriquez became the first transgender woman and first transgender woman of color to win the Miss Nevada USA pageant. “What?!” said her boyfriend.

In the wake of Las Vegas Raiders Carl Nassib coming out, the NFL released a new video proclaiming “football is gay” – a sentiment echoed by a high-school athlete who learned he was cut from the varsity team.

Actress Allison Mack will be sentenced today for her role in the NXIVM sex cult. Mack apologized for the physical and mental harm she caused, adding that it’s been especially damaging to her personal brand.

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A new study finds walking immediately after a meal reduces gas. However, the findings are disputed by people walking behind study participants.

Michigan confirmed 25 cases of the highly contagious COVID-19 Delta variant – one person at an urgent care, and 24 people waiting in cars at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru next door.

New York City holds its Democratic Mayoral primary election, with eight official candidates vying to see if they can get more votes than Lin-Manuel Miranda gets write-ins.

A California appeals court has temporarily upheld the state’s ban on assault weapons, making workplace retirement parties just a little safer for now.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is threatening to jail citizens who don’t get vaccinated against COVID-19. His stance is worrying incarcerated murderers, who don’t want to listen to anti-vaxxers all day.

A South African woman who claimed to have given birth to 10 babies at once was admitted to a psychiatric ward after doctors found no physical evidence of her alleged c-section, only balloon shrapnel in her sweatpants.

Retired quarterback Eli Manning is taking a job in business development with the New York Giants. So far he’s been assigned three projects, two are incomplete and the third was intercepted by a coworker.

A French engineer claims to have cracked the long-unsolved Z13 and Z32 ciphers of the Zodiac Killer. Cryptographers think he’s wrong, since he theorizes Z13 is ‘KAYE’, a clue to the killer’s name, and Z32 is ‘Drink More Ovaltine’.

Actress Jordana Brewster of the Fast & Furious movie franchise revealed she had a crush on co-star Paul Walker after finding out he had a crush on her. It never worked out because Paul ended up crushing on a Porsche and a tree.

Medical journal JAMA said COVID-19 infections are twice as high in households that hosted a children’s birthday party – and even higher in households that hired FreeZo – the Libertarian, Anti-Vaccination Party Clown.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.

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Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

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Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz is reportedly the subject of an investigation that he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl. Gaetz responded, saying once she broke up with Barron Trump, he figured she was fair game.

An Indiana woman was charged with the murder of her ex-boyfriend by putting Fentanyl in his oatmeal, then choking him. An autopsy revealed Fentanyl in his bloodstream, but thanks to the oatmeal, his cholesterol was down.

Malik Beasley of the NBA Minnesota Timberwolves is questioning his son’s paternity in his divorce from wife Montana Yao. Tonight on TNT Network, ‘Inside the NBA’ welcomes special guest Maury Povich.

Ariana Grande is joining ‘The Voice’ as a coach. She’s already spun her chair around and gotten engaged to three different male contestants.

Vanessa Bryant, wife of the late Kobe Bryant, celebrated their daughter Natalia being accepted into USC, and wished her the best of luck on the rowing team.

Nintendo fans are reportedly panicked over a rumor that Mario will die on March 31st. Many have ruined their game consoles shoving mushrooms in them to give him an extra life.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover sent back a selfie it took atop a 20-foot tall rock formation, just before falling to its death.

NCAA basketball referee Bert Smith collapsed on court while officiating the Gonzaga/USC game, then called himself for a blocking foul.

The National Football League expanded the 2021 regular season. Each team gets a 17th game and a second concussion tent to handle the extra volume.

Scientists in southern Argentina have found the skull of a large meat-eating dinosaur named “one who causes fear” in the local Mapuche language. In its torso area, they found bones from other dinosaurs named “ones that get eaten”.

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Actor Thomas Middleditch is accused of unwanted sexual behavior at the members-only Cloak & Dagger goth club in Los Angeles. Identifying him was challenging because it’s, like, really really reeeeeally dark in there.

A National Guard convoy carrying COVID-19 vaccines in Texas was ambushed by a 65-year-old man with a gun. “Stop them shots or I’ll shoot, varmints!” yelled Yosemite Sam, Anti-Vaxxer.

A Serbian model claims she was offered over $50,000 to seduce married tennis champion Novak Djokovic as part of an extortion plot. She hasn’t identified the men behind the plot, but if she does, they face racketeering charges.

A Philadelphis woman was apprehended after she shot a man and stole his vehicle, part of National Gender Equity in Carjacking Month.

YouTube relationship expert Derrick Jaxn admitted to cheating on his wife of four years. As for his behavior, his wife neither Liked or Subscribed to it.

Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson now faces 16 lawsuits for inappropriate sexual behavior. Multiple lawyers have now joined three NFL teams attempting to work out a deal for Deshaun Watson.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel dropped plans for a five-day national shutdown over the Easter holiday, following critical remarks from the ruthless, yet highly efficient, German Easter Bunny.

Amazon delivery drivers must agree to be watched by surveillance cameras as part of their jobs. Some say it’s an invasion of privacy, Amazon said cameras ensure safety, and give feedback on how drivers can have better sex with lonely housewives.

A daycare worker used a Sharpie to write “I’m Out Of Diapers” on a baby’s belly before sending the child home. Later, the baby’s mom flipped him over and found “Final Notice: Out of Diapers” written on his buttocks.

Nokia plans to build a 4G LTE wireless network on the moon – to be followed by a Boost Mobile store for astronauts with so-so credit scores.

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Fitbit is updating its Charge 4 fitness tracker to measure blood oxygen levels, and, presumably, oxygen levels in the drawer where you left it.

The first doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Iowa, as farmers fought to get their cows to the front of the line.

Johnson & Johnson announced they expect a COVID-19 vaccine for children around September. Unlike their adult treatment, the children’s vaccine is two doses – a COVID vaccine, and a powerful sedative given before it to prevent meltdowns.

Google says it won’t use new ways of tracking user activity on the web, adding that they know pretty much everything they need to know about you already.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover deployed its wind sensor. Mars is 80 degrees below zero, but the “real feel” temp for Martians is 120 below with the wind chill.

A cuttlefish passed a cognitive development test designed for human children. The cuttlefish’s mother then demanded that it be assigned to the gifted school.

Texas announced plans to fully reopen the state and end a face mask mandate, following intense lobbying from Senator Ted Cruz, whose wacky Spring Break hijinks movie begins filming this week on South Padre Island.

Microsoft introduced Mesh, a new virtual reality meeting platform designed to share 3D imagery. So far they’ve booted dozens of male holograms for exposing themselves.

Dolly Parton received her first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, and sang a version of her hit ‘Jolene’ changed to ‘Vaccine’. She plans to also release ‘Virus In the (Blood) Stream’, ‘I Will Always Stick You’, and ‘9 to 5′ – How Long You’ll Wait In Line’.

The Washington Football Team will not have cheerleaders in 2021, choosing instead to field a Coed Dance Squad, in order to create an environment where all genders and orientations can be objectified and harassed.

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Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville said he called Donald Trump on January 6th to say Mike Pence was evacuated as rioters stormed the Capitol. Tuberville said “Mr. President, they just took the Vice President out..” Trump was satisfied that the hit he ordered was completed.

Kevin Hart was allegedly defrauded by his personal shopper for over $1 million in credit card charges. Although Hart was happy the 1 million Chase Freedom Unlimited reward points never expire.

Britney Spears has not seen the controversial ‘Framing Britney Spears’ documentary, because her conservator/father won’t pay for her cable bill.

Actress Gina Carano was fired from Disney + Star Wars drama ‘The Mandalorian’ following posts comparing being Republican to being a Jew in Nazi Germany. A Disney spokesperson said hurtful speech about Jews has been forbidden there for at least a year or two now.

Shia LaBeouf has entered an inpatient treatment program to deal with issues related to abusive behavior, after someone tricked him in to thinking he’ll be roommates with Marilyn Manson.

Hustler Magazine founder Larry Flynt passed away. If you’re sending flowers, make sure they’re pink.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she’s ready to accept if Donald Trump Jr. proposes. She added that she feels like they’re already married, because he finally gave her the name of his coke dealer.

Aaron Rodgers is confirmed to be engaged to actress Shailene Woodley, star of the ‘Divergent’ films. “Divergent” will also describe their respective locations while Rodgers lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin during football season.

Hormel is acquiring Planters Nuts in a $3.4 billion deal, with part of the money going to surgically repair Mr. Peanut’s bad eye.

A plastic surgeon successfully removed Gorilla Glue from Tessica Brown’s head during a 4-hour procedure. However, the same doctor needed multiple sutures to close scalp wounds after Brown ran her two-inch fingernails through her hair.