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A new study finds ultra-processed foods can be as addictive as drugs. The study followed 200 individuals who entered rehab after Slim Jim overdoses.

During its Sugar Bowl broadcast, ESPN aired a crowd scene from New Orleans’ Bourbon Street where a woman flashed her bare breast. ESPN apologized, but said if viewers wanted to see more boobs during football, tune in to Chris Berman and Booger McFarland.

‘The Bachelorette‘ alum Rachel Lindsay’s husband Brian Abosolo filed to end their four-year marriage, after discovering she’s starring in the pilot episode of ‘The Divorcee’.

The U.S. national debt hit a record $34 trillion, leading to Joe Biden’s government credit card being rejected at Starbucks.

The NFL fined Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper $300,000 for throwing a drink on Jacksonville Jaguars fans during his team’s loss. He must also attend training at a Philadelphia Eagles game to learn how to properly throw a drink at someone.

A 13-year-old in Oklahoma claims to have ‘beaten’ Tetris, reaching level 157 before crashing the game in 38 minutes. He also broke the game’s high-score record, and the record for the longest time anyone from Oklahoma has used a computer.

A winter storm could deliver the Northeast U.S. first significant snow accumulation in 2 years. The National Grocery Store Association raised their bread & milk accumulation threat level to Code Orange.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 73 and fiancee Theresa Nist, 70, said they want all the women contestants from the show to attend their televised wedding, along with family, close friends, and several EMTs.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to take a 4-year-old boy in Walmart, and unsuccessfully arguing with customer service for a raincheck.

Utah officials are investigating the death of a man at Salt Lake City airport who climbed into the jet engine of a parked aircraft. He had a boarding pass for a flight to Denver, and instructions from Frontier Airlines on where to sit when flying standby.

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Jennifer Lopez marked her one-year wedding anniversary with Ben Affleck. “Who’d have thought we’d make it this far?” she wrote.

Charles Martinet – who’s voiced Mario in Nintendo video games for the last 25 years – is retiring from the role. He said he’d explain, but he’s only allowed to say “It’s a me, Mario”; “Wahoooo!”; and “Ow-ah-ah-ah-ah”.

Domino’s Pizza is closing all 142 of its stores in Russia – saying they’re giving away too many free pizzas after delivery drivers take over a half hour to show up while they dodge Ukrainian drone missiles.

Guatemala’s anti-corruption candidate Bernardo Arevalo is expected to win the country’s Presidential election by over 20 percentage points. He thanked the many Guatemalans voting via absentee ballots sent as they illegally entered the United States.

After scoring the lone goal to secure the Women’s World Cup for Spain in their 1-0 final against England, forward Olga Carmona learned her father had died – making it a truly heart-stopping victory.

Russia’s space agency said its Luna-25 rocket crashed into the moon. President Vladimir Putin shrugged it off, saying he thought there were Ukrainians there.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is urging all states to ban corporal punishment such as spanking in all schools. The request faces fierce opposition from teacher’s associations in Mississippi and Alabama, who say they paid good money for them paddles.

John Warnock, Adobe co-founder and inventor of the .pdf, died at age 82. He’ll be eulogized by an Adobe .pdf Reader.

Adam Sandler’s new Netflix movie You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah, debuted with a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — the “Fresh” 100% for a change.

A CBS News poll of Republican voters says 71% of them believe that what Donald Trump tells them is true. The other 29% couldn’t hear him.

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Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

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A box of human heads intended for medical research was stolen from a truck in Denver. Police are offering a $2,000 reward – or, about fifty bucks a head.

The United States ranks 18th in global rankings solving Wordle puzzles; experts blame teen boys who repeatedly guess BOOBS.

Nintendo halted online purchases in Russia. Princess Peach is expected to remain Bowser’s captive for several more months.

Visa, MasterCard & American Express have ceased Russian operations, leading to long-awaited VIP status for Russians with lousy credit scores using prepaid debit cards.

NBC Networks cancelled drama ‘Ordinary Joe‘ after one season. The network said for Joe to be truly ordinary, he needed to get dumped before we really got to know him.

Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are moving back to the U.K. Ozzy wanted to live in a place he could spell.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is engaged. And boy are his fiance’s wrists sore.

A missing Florida woman was found dead in her septic tank. Her handyman was arrested for murder, and investigators are amazed at the power of her toilet’s flush.

A Comcast executive in Pennsylvania is running for Congress, hoping to find a job that pays him to do even less than he’s doing now.

Pet retailer Chewy invested heavily in Bed, Bath & Beyond, with plans to make it Smelly Bed Bath & Beyond.

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A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.

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OnlyFans is banning porn, and changing its name to FewerFans.

Britney Spears’ housekeeper alleges Britney took her phone and struck her in a dispute over the care of a dog. Britney disputes the claim, but the dog has been assigned a conservator.

Mike Richards announced he will not be the permanent host of Jeopardy! amidst scrutiny of his past behavior. Richards will continue as Executive Producer, and attempt to find a full-time female host with a decent rack.

As cases in the state surge, a Jacksonville, Florida library was converted to a COVID-19 treatment site. The head librarian said it was nice & quiet in there for a change.

A family of three and their dog were all found dead on a remote hiking trail in the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite. Officials are mystified as to cause of death, but took the opportunity to remind other families how much hiking sucks.

Malaysia has its third Prime Minister in 3 years. Malaysia is one of the few countries in the civilized world that selects its leader via a talent show.

An ad agency created a campaign using Tinder and Snapchat to encourage Gen-Z and millenials to get COVID-19 vaccines – and, just maybe, a no-strings hookup with a nurse.

South Korea’s Ministry of Culture declared the official Chinese name of kimchi – spicy, fermented vegetables – be changed to ‘xingi’, from ‘pao cai’. It provided sample sentences like “No xingi for me, because it smells like ass”.

Beyonce’s father, Mathew Knowles, shut down rumors of a Destiny’s Child reunion, saying his daughter can’t remember who the other two are any more.

A Goodwill thrift in Connectucut sold a sealed, unopened copy of 1986 Nintendo videogame ‘The Legend of Zelda’ for $411,000. The donor was thrilled to help, but disappointed that the used Wii console she donated only got twenty bucks.

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Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz is reportedly the subject of an investigation that he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl. Gaetz responded, saying once she broke up with Barron Trump, he figured she was fair game.

An Indiana woman was charged with the murder of her ex-boyfriend by putting Fentanyl in his oatmeal, then choking him. An autopsy revealed Fentanyl in his bloodstream, but thanks to the oatmeal, his cholesterol was down.

Malik Beasley of the NBA Minnesota Timberwolves is questioning his son’s paternity in his divorce from wife Montana Yao. Tonight on TNT Network, ‘Inside the NBA’ welcomes special guest Maury Povich.

Ariana Grande is joining ‘The Voice’ as a coach. She’s already spun her chair around and gotten engaged to three different male contestants.

Vanessa Bryant, wife of the late Kobe Bryant, celebrated their daughter Natalia being accepted into USC, and wished her the best of luck on the rowing team.

Nintendo fans are reportedly panicked over a rumor that Mario will die on March 31st. Many have ruined their game consoles shoving mushrooms in them to give him an extra life.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover sent back a selfie it took atop a 20-foot tall rock formation, just before falling to its death.

NCAA basketball referee Bert Smith collapsed on court while officiating the Gonzaga/USC game, then called himself for a blocking foul.

The National Football League expanded the 2021 regular season. Each team gets a 17th game and a second concussion tent to handle the extra volume.

Scientists in southern Argentina have found the skull of a large meat-eating dinosaur named “one who causes fear” in the local Mapuche language. In its torso area, they found bones from other dinosaurs named “ones that get eaten”.

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Dr. Dre’s estranged wife, Nicole, is charged with embezzling over $400,000 from him. Dre’s lawyers said the cash losses would only allow their client to make it drizzle.

Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska Ethan Berkowitz resigned after admitting to an inappropriate relationship with local news anchor Maria Athens. Athens would be on Berkowitz at 6pm, then look forward to seeing him again at 11.

A World War II-era bomb exploded underwater in Poland during an attempt to defuse it. A Polish bomb-squad frogman died trying to access the wires he needed to cut by repeatedly striking the bomb with a hammer.

Walmart is dividing its traditional Black Friday sales into three different online events: Trample Days; Fistfight Days; and Cyber Smash-n-Grab.

Nintendo introduced Mario Kart Live for Nintendo Switch — where Mario and friends race around the inside of your home until the cat or dog rips their heads off.

The U.S. and seven other countries agreed to NASA’s proposed rules for exploring the moon. They include not going in the lunar lander if there’s a necktie on the door handle.

Mars will be extra-bright in the Eastern sky tonight, meaning Martians will be extra-cranky tomorrow morning after trying to sleep with the lights on.

The CDC says ‘small family gatherings’ are helping fuel a surge in COVID-19 cases. They advise watching the 4 o’clock football games at home, and blowing off Sunday dinner at grandma’s.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump will each have televised town hall meetings on Thursday, Biden in Philadelphia and Trump in Miami. Biden’s will be called “Joe Biden Town Hall”, Trump’s will be called “Wasting Away Again in Coronaville”.

The New York Jets waived troubled running back Le’Veon Bell, but are still on the hook to pay him $27.5 million in Bell tolls.

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United Airlines will give COVID-19 tests to some passengers. The ones who fail will be assigned to Boarding Group 19.

South Bend, Indiana outfitted its school buses with wifi. They allow students to use the Internet on rides to & from school, and let bullies view porn during downtime between beating up nerds.

A two-year-old boy found a loaded handgun on a Philipsburg, New Jersey playground. The boy is now first in line for the slide, the swings, and the carousel – got it?

Michael Cheatle, 37, a married private school teacher in suburban Philadelphia, was charged with having an illicit sexual relatiionship with a 17-year-old student. You can’t spell Cheatle without..

Nintendo released a new Fortnite-like battle royale game where 35 Super Marios fight each other until just one remains. The game is called Plumbers Union and it costs $150 per hour to play.

The new James Bond theme – No Time To Die – was released by singer Billie Eilish. Eilish’s color-streaked hair is changed for the video, since she had no time to dye.

Nicki Minaj gave birth to her first child, who was uninjured after exiting the birth canal and dropping two feet to the table below.

A new report finds 40% of the world’s plant life is at risk of extinction. Most of those are plants bought for Dads after him and Mom split up.

Amazon said over 19,000 of its workers contracted COVID-19 – and, of those, almost 10 were allowed to miss work.

A man wielding a sledgehammer broke the window of a Fox TV affiliate in Philadelphia and demanded to speak to a news anchor. Fox accommodated him, then put him in a limo to New York City and gave him his own 11pm show on Fox News.

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Novak Djokovic was disqualified from the U.S. Open Tennis Championships after unintentionally hitting a female linesperson in the throat with a ball. Remaining players that Djokovic would have beaten thanked her for ‘taking one for the team’.

Scientists say COVID-19 may cause prolonged gut infections and gastrointestinal distress, which is why they suggest changing the name from coronavirus to chalupavirus.

A black man detained while jogging in Deltona, Florida because he fit a suspect description was released and was even offered a job at the sheriff’s department. He declined, because the job was detaining random black men.

Nintendo is celebrating Super Mario’s 35th Anniversary with rereleases of several classic games. Mario is also celebrating – dumping Princess Peach for someone a lot younger.

According to unnamed workers, Disney is understating the number of positive COVID-19 cases at its parks. They’re also frantically searching for a mouthpiece long enough to put Goofy on a ventilator.

‘Beverly Hills 90210’ actor Brian Austin Green – currently separated from wife Megan Fox – bought a preschool teacher’s entire Amazon Wishlist of essential school supplies. “I didn’t order a webcam and lingerie” she said when she opened the box.

U.S. dentists are seeing an epidemic of cracked teeth during the pandemic. They cite increased tooth grinding from stress, and couples finally settling their lockdown differences with fistfights.

Facebook is offering a select group of users $120 to deactivate their accounts at the end of September through the November election. Then they need to figure out how to convert the dollars to rubles.

Paris Hilton claims in a new YouTube documentary about her life that she was physically and emotionally abused at a Utah boarding school. However, her roommates say the same thing about having to listen to her sing and DJ.

Facebook has stopped Alain Cocq, a 57-year-old French man, from livestreaming his dying days from an incurable illness. Mark Zuckerberg justified the action, saying there are plenty of other sites where you can see sick Cocqs.