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A woman known only as Kait, who flashed her breasts at an Edmonton Oilers playoff hockey game, signed with Playboy, where she’s expected to inspire a lot of high sticking.

Donald Trump said he wants UFC fighters to battle migrants. For their part, the migrants want to know what they’ll get paid for the fight.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said the “intense” part of the war with Hamas will end soon, shifting to a more “casual” phase of killing civilians and children.

Climate protesters with smoke grenades charged the 18th green at the Travelers Open golf tourney. They were arrested and taken to a local jail where they were told to “get in the hole”.

Retired Denver Broncos lineman-turned-broadcaster Mark Schlereth called retired New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, 72, a “pig” for dating 23-year-old Jordan Hudson. Asked for comment, Belichick said “oink” as he removed Hudson’s clothes.

A new study finds the number of Americans with a “poor diet” dropped from 49% in 1999 to 37% in 2020. Conversely, the number of Americans considered “poor” and “on a diet” doubled over the same span.

The late Alex Trebek will appear on a Forever postage stamp. Post office customers will tackle the category U.S. Geography and be required to point to the state on the map where they’re mailing the letter.

Severe storms caused dozens of flight delays at Philadelphia International Airport, leaving travelers stranded and angry, and baggage handlers well-rested.

Research from Cornell University finds couples are more likely to discuss financial problems if they feel the problem is solvable. Couples who think the problem is unsolvable are more likely to discuss which one of them buys the lottery tickets.

‘House of the Dragon’ star Olivia Cooke wants to know why her orgasm was cut from a sex scene in Episode 2, Season 2. So does the dragon.

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Philadelphia International Airport held a pep rally to welcome WrestleMania to the city – both the weekend-long WWE event, and arriving Spirit Airlines flights where drunk passengers grappled with flight attendants.

The man who received a kidney transplant from a pig was released from the hospital and went home, but not before stopping to meet with, and thank, the family of the donor pig that fatally crashed its car.

Research shows people who took a multivitamin for 3 years slowed cognitive brain aging by 2 years. The study found 7-year-olds with three years of Flintstones chewables consumpion had the brains of 5-year-olds.

A bird flu outbreak in Texas resulted in egg producers having to kill 2 million egg-producing chickens. It’s the first time pro-life activists have protested outside of poultry farms.

Some scientists are warning bird flu could be worse than COVID. Although they’re also working on an mRNA vaccine containing the flu which wouldn’t be administered with a needle, but rather by eating McNuggets.

Costco is now selling popular drugs Wegovy and Ozempic as part of a store-sponsored weight-loss program. Although they’re not selling well because they’re only available by the pallet and cost $75,000.

A friend of Tiger Woods claims he’s abstaining from sex while training for The Masters. However, he’s narrowed the field down to 64 restaurant hostesses to be first in line once he misses the cut on Friday night.

Some parts of the U.S. could see cloudy skies during next week’s total solar eclipse, prompting attack ads from the Trump campaign.

The U.S. reportedly authorized more bombs for Israel, as Pauly Shore announced six April shows in Tel Aviv.

Alaska Airlines says Boeing paid the company $160 million as compensation for the required grounding of Boeing’s 737 Max 9 jets. Boeing said they wanted to provide a sum that, like their jets, blew Alaska Airlines doors off.

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A two alarm fire erupted on the Atlantic City boardwalk at the Resorts Casino. No injuries were reported, and the blaze settled who has Atlantic City’s hottest table games.

A Hawaii woman will have to pay $39,000 to American Airlines after her threats to crew & passengers forced her flight from Honolulu to Phoenix to be diverted. However, American said she’s still invited to apply for an AAdvantage Rewards Credit Card.

Following a high profile meeting between China President Xi Jinping and U.S. President Joe Biden, Biden told reporters he still believes Xi is a “dictator”. Xi did not comment immediately, saying he needed to return to China to dictate his response.

‘The Golden Bachelor‘ moved to the Fantasy Suites portion of the show, where Gerry Turner may choose to sleep with the three finalists before going to bed at 7:30.

Joasia Zakrewski, an ultramarathon runner, was banned from the sport for 12 months after riding in a car for part of a 50-mile race where she finished 3rd. She gave five stars to the Uber driver who picked her up when she was in 12th.

Ridley Scott’s biopic Napoleon debuted to mixed reviews. It’s 158 minutes long, making you wish it was more like Napoloeon – shorter.

A poll of women ages 18-40 say they prefer polite men over guys with a hot physique. So be polite and ask your girlfriend how her day was when she has sex with her personal trainer.

Philadelphia Police posted photos of luggage recovered after being stolen at Philadelphia Airport. Once victims complete a report identifying their bag, a Philadelphia Airport baggage handler can give it back to them in about six hours.

A Texas school board reversed their decision and will allow a transgender student to play the male lead in the high school’s production of Oklahoma! They admit it was a mistake, but doesn’t change how bad he sounds singing O What a Beautiful Mornin’.

Frontier Airlines dropped the price of their all-you-can-fly Go Wild! annual pass to $499 for a limited time. That’s the good news; the bad news is the clothes you’re wearing count as carry-ons that cost $99/flight. [Story h/t to JL]

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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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A gay Austraian woman claims she was sent to the hospital for having an ‘overstimulated clitoris’. She requested a second opinion, which took a while since they couldn’t get a male doctor to find it.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she and ex Tristan Thompson are having another baby, to be delivered via surrogate. They chose ‘surrogate’ because it’s easier than saying ‘another woman that Tristan knocked up on a road trip’.

Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert claims in a new memoir her husband was the ‘real victim’ in a case where he exposed his penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley – marking the first time an elected Congressman has written a memoir with a passage about a spouse exposing their penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley.

Delta Air Lines flew 1,000 lost bags from London’s Heathrow Airport to its hub in Detroit, Michigan as a first step toward reuniting the bags with their owners. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the head of the baggage handlers union called 1,000 lost bags “a typical Tuesday”.

Bob Dylan is the latest artist to ban smartphones from his concerts, disappointing fans who were using their phones to look up the lyrics to Dylan’s songs because they couldn’t understand what the hell he was singing.

Viral photos show a man at a Chicago White Sox game texting an escort for sex in exchange for a $100 gift card, all while seated next to a young girl. The date turned out to be a flop, since the guy showed up with a $100 gift card from the Chicago White Sox Team Store.

A 40-year-old woman was fired from her job teaching STEM content to fifth graders after her Only Fans account was discovered. Fifth grade boys were disappointed, saying she definitely extended their STEM awareness.

A 21-year-old Brazilian woman claimed she was hospitalized with ‘trapped gas’ from holding in her farts while attending a music festival with her boyfriend. The woman is now okay, but three ER nurses were placed on ventilators after successfully treating her.

Police in a suburb of Medellin, Colombia destroyed 1.5 tons of marijuana by burning it – and engulfing the entire town in a cloud of weed smoke. Residents bombarded 911 with calls asking for directions to the Phish concert.

A 200-lb turtle was rescued after becoming stuck beneath a boardwalk at Florida’s Satellite Beach. The turtle was treated for malnourishment, and for trauma from having to watch so many gay couples go at it.

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A North Carolina man surrendered a dog to a shelter because he thought it was gay. The dog regrets letting the man sniff his ass for ten minutes.

Cuoy Griffin, founder of ‘Cowboys for Trump’ was convicted at trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th riots. He’ll be sentenced once the jury is done rehearsing ‘Happy Trails’.

Boo, resident grizzly bear at Kicking Horse Mountain Resort animal preserve in British Columbia, Canada, emerged from his hibernation. Boo then grabbed an iPad and a couple magazines and went back into hibernation for another 45 minutes.

Three firefighters at a Virginia fire company welcomed newborn babies within hours of each other. One had a pregnant wife, the other two just picked up babies left outside the station house.

18 pounds of cocaine were found in a jet at Philadelphia International Airport – leading to a new speed record for airport workers unloading bags.

Florida now requires the completion of a ‘financial literacy’ course to graduate high school. The courses will be taught by drug & gun dealers who made millions after dropping out in 10th grade.

Police in Oldham, England responding to a call about an escaped tiger realized it was actually a large stuffed toy. The toy was returned to a little girl after cops finished removing 35 bullets.

Astronauts Raja Chari and Matthias Maurer spacewalked to install hoses and cables outside the International Space Station, then said they hoped that, one day, they could take a goddamn leisurely spacewalk without being asked to fix shit.

A man with ALS – Lou Gehrig’s Disease – is now able to communicate in full sentences after microchips were implanted in his brain. He was able to say “I don’t want anyone putting microchips in my brain”.

A trainer working with former NFL QB Colin Kaepernick claims multiple teams have inquired about speaking with him, asking when would be a good time to call and tell Kaepernick they’re not interested.

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Shakira said she was attacked by wild boars who stole her purse while walking in Barcelona, but that it was still a better experience than meeting Harvey Weinstein to discuss a possible movie role.

Mick Jagger reportedly went unnoticed while visiting the Thirsty Beaver bar in Charlotte, North Carolina. Meanwhile a conflicting report claims a 78-year-old British guy was kicked out for strutting around like a chicken.

Dancing With The Stars professional dancer Cheryl Burke and her partner, Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby, both tested positive for COVID-19, despite each getting a paso doble-dose of vaccine.

Irmgard Furcher, the 96-year-old Nazi secretary who’d fled prior to her court trial to face concentration-camp murders, was captured and remanded to custody. She faces life in prison, or 90 days, whichever comes first.

McDonald’s is bringing back McRib, as the CDC expresses concern over the U.S.’ ability to handle another national health crisis.

Amazon introduced Astro, a new personal robot. It sells for $999, and completed extensive rigorous testing from Amazon warehouse employees tasking it with emptying their urine bottles.

Customs officials in Philadelphia seized $6.5 million in counterfeit U.S. currency from Russia, after confusing it with their annual bribe.

El Salvador is using energy from volcanoes to mine Bitcoin. Although a dozen miners died plugging the computers into the volcano.

The City of Philadelphia’s plastic bag ban begins today, leading to price hikes on street drugs as dealers scramble to find tiny paper bags.

Walt Disney World opened 50 years ago today, an anniversary celebrated by a now-70-year-old couple who arrived on opening day, and have almost reached the front of the line for Space Mountain.

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KISS canceled a show when frontman Paul Stanley tested positive for COVID-19. Gene Simmons’ COVID test still isn’t done because he keeps sticking out his tongue and knocking away the nose swab.

A viral video shows two boys at the Little League World Series staring at a smartphone photo of a large-breasted woman. The boys swiped left and moved on to other profile photos of Little League groupies.

Porn actor Ron Jeremy was indicted for over 30 counts of sexual assault. More charges are expected after prosecutors finish watching The Ron Jeremy Collection: Volume II.

California’s Caldor Fire caused evacuation warnings for the Lake Tahoe area. Residents can either evacuate, or scuba-dive in the lake.

Rochelle Wallensky, Director of the Centers for Disease Control, said something needs to be done to curb gun violence in the U.S. – saying she’s opposed to increasing numbers of citizens being vaccinated with hot lead.

Raymond Vannieuwenhoven, 84, received consecutive life sentences after his saliva from the envelope of a Police Performance survey linked him to the 1979 murder scene. He’s asked to change his rating of police work from Average to Very Good.

Philadelphia International Airport will soon be welcoming Afghani refugees. If they thought waiting for the flight from Kabul was bad, imagine how long they’ll be waiting for their checked bags.

A new study finds female hummingbirds that look like males face less “social harassment”. Cute, feminine hummingbirds are now wearing flannel shirts and crew cuts so they can be left alone and collect more nectar.

Kanye West seemingly recreated his wedding to Kim Kardashian at the most recent ‘Donda‘ album listening party. After the party, security was overwhelmed by dark-haired women with large butts attempting to recreate the wedding night.

Celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Leonard Hochstein – known as the “Boob God” – is being sued for medical malpractice for allegedly damaging a woman’s legs and labia during a thigh lift. He’s now known as Boob God & Crotch Wrecker.

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Johnny Depp/Alice Cooper/Joe Perry supergroup Hollywood Vampires postponed their 2020 European Tour, blaming potential exposure to COVID-19 and daylight.

The FDA warned that some hand sanitizers made in Mexico could contain toxic ingredients. Consumers should not buy or use new & improved Los Purellos with Lead.

McDonald’s is reportedly reconsidering the future of offering All-Day Breakfast, citing the complexity of frying an egg and putting it on an english muffin.

Disney Parks will make changes to the queues for its attractions when parks reopen in July. There will be no FastPass+, single rider lines, or virtual checkins – all guests will be required to stand in line and get sick together.

Philadelphia International Airport turned 80 years old. It’s celebrating by reuniting a 100-year-old passenger with the airport’s first-ever checked bag.

Arizona’s Dream City Church – site of the next Donald Trump rally – said they’ll be using technology that wipes out 99.9% of airborne coronavirus germs: old church lady perfume.

An 88-year-old Nashville liquor store owner had her handgun confiscated for two years after she injured a shoplifter with a shot in the back. Tennessee officials said when they return the gun, they hope her aim improves enough to kill shoplifters.

183,000 new cases – a daily record – of coronavirus were reported on Sunday, as the respiratory disease got its second wind.

Statues of catholic priest Juniperro Serra were toppled in Los Angeles and San Francisco. Serra started missions that imprisoned indigenous people to convert them to catholicism. That, and his statues somehow managed to molest young boys.

Donald Trump claimed his campaign received one million ticket requests for his Tulsa rally, yet only 6,200 showed up.  “Wow, that’s pretty good” said Facebook’s Director of Event Invites.

 

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Pokemon Go will get ‘reality blending’ updates in June, where Pokemon can hide behind real life objects, and mug you to free the other Pokemon you’ve already captured.

Hertz Rental Car filed for bankruptcy. They blame low usage during the pandemic, and the inability to charge $6 for a gallon of gas.

A researcher in Japan created a lickable surface that can recreate almost any flavor without eating the associated food. It’s thought to be a game-changing breakthrough for both weight loss and oral sex.

NASA is scheduled to launch two American astronauts into space in a Tesla Falcon 9 rocket on Wednesday. They’re expected to arrive at the International Space Station after they circle the Earth a couple of times on the way looking for a recharging station.

Twitter labeled two of Donald Trump’s tweets “Potentially Misleading” in accordance with their new fact-checking policy. Twitter may skip reviewing individual tweets and just label Trump’s account “Totally Misleading”.

Chrissy Teigen told her 29 million Instagram followers that she’s getting her breast implants removed. She received over a million comments from creeps asking if they could have them.

Dairy Queen unveiled a vegan Dilly Bar — it’s non-dairy chocolate covering three brussels sprouts on a stick.

Ford created software for police cars that heat the interior to 133 degrees for 15 minutes to kill disease-causing germs. Cops can hit the switch, go sit in Dunkin Donuts for a while, then return to a disinfected car and a more cooperative perp in the backseat.

A judge refused to immediately accept Lori Loughlin’s guilty plea and prison term in the college admissions scandal, choosing instead to render his decision at a Very Special Sentencing Episode on August 21st.

City of Philadelphia officials are moving 50 to 100 homeless people from an unused baggage claim area at Philadelphia International Airport during the pandemic. The people will be bused to various locations, but somehow their bags ended up in Miami.