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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

‘All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.

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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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Scientists now claim there were three species of tyrannosaurs, not just Rex – but concluded Tyrannosaurus Seth & Tyrannosaurus Dakota weren’t tough enough to survive.

Major League Baseball, unable to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with players, cancelled Opening Day. Ticket holders are advised to make alternate plans to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.

Former The Bachelor-star-slash ‘out’ gay man Colton Underwood got engaged in Big Sur, and is happy that he found his Big Sir.

Felicity Ace, a cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars like Lamborghinis & Porsches, sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it caught fire. Filming begins next week on The Fast & The Furious: Crabs vs Sea Turtles.

Jon Bon Jovi turned 60, and is now Livin’ On A Medicare.

Republican representatives and serial imbeciles Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene repeatedly heckled President Joe Biden during his State Of The Union address, but were allowed to stay because they’d each met the two-drink minimum.

Doctors report the pickleball craze is leading to a rash of hospital visits among baby boomers. Players are advised to employ stretching exercises before games, and to always bring their defibrillator.

Philadelphia dropped its mask mandate, allowing city drivers to see the smiling face of their carjacker.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine may increase in the price of beer, according to the Brand Manager in charge of the wild new flavors of Bud Light Hard Seltzer!!

Juli Boeheim, wife of Syracuse University basketball coach Jim Boeheim, was robbed at gunpoint outside of the city’s Destiny USA shopping mall. The robber was credited with a steal, and Juli with a turnover.

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Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.

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Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.

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In the wake of Joe Rogan controversies, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek said they’ll invest $100 million on content from ‘underrepresented creators’. And another $100 million paying unknown standup comics to stop their podcasts altogether.

The White House’s top science adviser, Eric Lander, resigned amidst accusations that he mistreated staff, who were afraid of him. Lander’s favorite expression is “follow the science, or else”.

Oscar nominees were released Tuesday morning, with ‘The Power Of The Dog’ getting 12 nominations. Unfortunately, none of the dog’s powers are getting people to see the movie.

An 80-year-old nun was convicted of stealing over $800,000 from a Los Angeles school where she was principal to fund a gambling habit. She was sentenced to a year in prison by a judge, and sentenced to, like, a million Hail Marys by a priest.

Peloton’s co-founder and CEO John Foley resigned amidst declining sales and layoffs. And boy are his legs tired.

For the first time, chimpanzees in the wild were seen capturing insects and applying them to wounds as a means of primitive medication. Then they were seen asking the guy watching them for Neosporin.

Florida is considering a controversial “don’t say gay” bill that bans discussions of gender identity in school classrooms. The bill is sponsored by legislators who apparently have never been in or around Miami.

Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, a pub in St. Albans that claims to be the oldest in Britain – having operated since 793A.D. – is closing. Scotland Yard is on the lookout for four fugitives who have yet to pay the world’s largest running bar tabs.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania couple were forced to deliver the wife’s baby in the front seat of their car when they were stuck in traffic. In lieu of baby gifts, they’re asking for the name of a good detailer for the front seat of their car.

Philadelphia is creating a new Citizens Police Oversight Commission, that will finally hear public complaints about police behavior, and also allow help citizens direct their bribes to the right cops.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

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Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.