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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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480 Otis – a brown bear residing in Southwest Alaska – was declared the winner of ‘Fat Bear Week’, a public voting contest for overweight bears. Otis moves on to the global competition, where he’ll compete against other bears and obese gay guys.

The President of the New York Police Department Union resigned following an FBI raid of his house, after he blocked them at the door and requested his standard bribe to let them in.

The U.S. Department of Education announced a new student loan forgiveness program, which could erase the debt of up to 550,000 Grubhub drivers and baristas with Psychology degrees.

1,400 factory workers at Kellogg’s went on strike following a failed year of negotiations for better pay and benefits – described by a union spokestiger as “not GRRRRRREAT!”

Republicans continue to block Democratic efforts to raise the debt ceiling prior to a mid-October deadline. It’s so heated, Nancy Pelosi isn’t allowed to charge her lunch at the Congressional cafeteria.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at a whistleblower’s claims that Facebook puts profit before people, saying it’s “just not true”. Zuck added they also put algorithms before people.

A woman suffered significant burns after running into a hot spring at Yellowstone National Park to retrieve her dog. The woman was treated for her injuries, and the hot spring now belongs to the dog since he urinated in it.

Experts claim to have positively identified California’s Zodiac Killer – responsible for murders in the late 60s – as Gary Francis Poste … a Sagittarius.

CNBC rated the Top Financial Advisory firms of 2021. Number One overall was Dana Investment Advisors of Wisconsin. Ranked last was your cousin who told you to sell your house and use the proceeds to buy Dogecoin.

National Hockey League official Ryan Gibbons was taken off the ice on a stretcher following a violent accidental collision with Arizona Coyotes center Liam O’Brien. Gibbons was diagnosed with a concussion immediately after he signaled a touchdown.

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Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

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Thousands of jellyfish are gathering along the coast of Rhode Island. It’s the largest assembly of spineless creatures since the Republican National Convention.

Louisiana’s Zaila Avant-garde, age 14, became the first African American winner in the 96-year history of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She’s also the first junior high student in Louisiana to get 100 on a spelling test.

ICE plans to limit the detention of pregnant, nursing & post-partum illegal immigrants, angering Border Patrol workers who just got done painting detention centers pink & robin’s egg blue.

California authorities seized $1.19 billion in illegal marijuana trafficked by drug cartels. Then, California dispensaries announced a billion-dollar legal marijuana inventory blowout sale.

The Biden Administration will issue a directive to reinstate net neutrality rules, and allow renters to have greater flexibility in choosing internet service. The guidance says nothing about customer service or raising prices, so ISPs are generally cool with it.

The United Kingdom recently passed ‘right to repair’ statutes, requiring manufacturers make parts available for consumers to fix their own TVs, refrigerators & washing machines. The United Kingdom has also seen a rise in electrocutions.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian ex-boyfriend Tristan Thompson was awarded $50,000 in a libel settlement against a woman who falsely claimed he fathered her child. Thompson requested that the money be paid in $1 bills.

‘Flip Or Flop’ star Christina Haack claims she smoked toad venom to deal with anxiety issues. She’ll star in a new spinoff, ‘Flip, Flop, Hop & Fly’.

‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic’s ex-husband Dillon Passage announced he has a new boyfriend, John. No last name was given, but it’s speculated he’s John Ordinary.

Kim Kardashian is rebranding KKW Beauty products as she drops the West from her name following her pending divorce. She’s favoring KKK Beauty for Kim Kardashian Kosmetics.

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A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was confirmed, making him the first openly gay White House appointee. “Openly” being the operative word, according to former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Alejandro Mayorkas was also confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, despite the objections of some Republicans, who had been a Mayorkas pain.

The famous HOLLYWOOD sign was changed to HOLLYBOOB by influencers protesting censorship on Instagram. They’re concerned if nudity remains banned on Instagram, people won’t know where to find it on the Internet.

Comcast will double the speed of its Internet Essentials broadband service for low-income households, allowing more families than ever the chance to get their cam-girl or Only Fans careers off the ground.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink – which has wired a monkey’s brain to play video games using only its mind – is preparing for human trials. Apparently the monkey is tired of playing video games by himself.

EA Sports will release a new college football video game. To keep from paying colleges and players for their name & likeness, Every team will be called Football University and every player’s name will be Football Guy.

Scientists claim COVID-19 lockdowns caused a reduction in harmful emissions that block sunlight, thereby warming the planet. While others believe the higher temperatures result from housebound couples screwing with the thermostat.

Researchers studying spiders say they use ‘silk pulleys’ to raise large prey off the ground once they’ve been captured. Once the prey is secured, they celebrate with music from the piano they lifted into the web.

Experts say people dying after getting the COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t mean the vaccine is deadly. However, being 98 years old kind of is.

Taco Bell introduced customizable $5 Cravings Boxes, with 18 possible meal combinations, and one possible gastrointestinal outcome.

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Registered Democrats are returning twice as many ballots as registered Republicans in early voting returns – according to Republican poll workers who say they’re having a hard time keeping up with shredding them.

John Lennon would have turned 80 today, if you believe he could have survived listening to Yoko Ono sing for another 39 years.

The head golf pro at an Upstate New York club died after a tree fell on him. Rescuers moved the tree branch, but were assessed a two-stroke penalty.

Famed plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow – star of E! Network show ‘Botched’ – claims a former patient is extorting him for $5 million because of her failed buttock lift. Since her ass was damaged, she wants to sue Dubrow’s off.

Microsoft is allowing employees to work from home permanently – provided they’re using Apple computers so they don’t spend the whole day with tech support.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the World Food Programme for their efforts battling global famine – narrowly edging out the guy who put on a McDonald’s & Burger King buffet for the football team.

An Australian surfer is missing in a suspected shark attack. So far the shark’s lawyers have refused investigator’s requests to floss his teeth.

Dollar General is opening new stores targeted at wealthier shoppers: Dollar Twenty-Nine General.

Donald Trump still wants to have campaign rallies, despite his voice giving out calling ‘Hannity’. The rallies would have the sign-language translator at the podium, while Trump flails his arms and tries to talk in the background.

The new ‘Jurassic World’ movie halted production after several velociraptors tested positive for COVID-19.

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The University of Kentucky fired its cheerleading coaches after finding the squad engaged in hazing, excessive drinking and partial nudity at cheer events. The University President said “we’ve got to be. aggressive. be, be aggressive.”

Police arrested a GrubHub driver for running over the owner of a restaurant who demanded that he socially distance. The driver contends he was just trying to knock the victim six feet away.

A Los Angeles company is selling women’s underwear with names like ‘Cuomo’ & ‘Fauci’ printed near the crotch. “Well, I’m out” said potential sex partners of women wearing the underwear.

Usain Bolt’s girlfriend, Kasi Bennett, gave birth to their daughter, who posted a disappointingly slow time sprinting out of the birth canal.

Massage parlors in Pinellas County, Florida are allowed to reopen. The milestone was celebrated with a flyover – and landing – from the New England Patriots team jet.

Tattoo parlors in Pinellas County were also allowed to reopen. Florida men & women waited in long lines to get face tattoos of masks.

European budget airline Ryanair has new rules for passengers during the pandemic, including raising your hand to go to the bathroom. In the U.S., Spirit Airlines also asks passengers to raise their hand, so the flight attendant can collect your “bathroom bag”.

The U.S. Treasury Department is sending out 4 million prepaid debit cards to Americans instead of stimulus checks, with a small number of Limited Edition Platinum cards for registered Republicans not on welfare.

Instagram is introducing “Guides” – a way for publishers to post longer form wellness tips. So far, however, most of the Guides are breathing exercises while you stare at women with large breasts and buttocks.

Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, ‘Very Cavallari’ is being cancelled due to her pending divorce. It’s being replaced with a show about a hot female Instagram model who runs errands for her ex-husband, ‘Cutler Butler’.

 

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.