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Fired former Twitter employees are suing Elon Musk for severance payments. These Ex-employees are demanding to be paid like X employees.

Rice Krispies Treats edged out Doritos as the nation’s most popular snack, with voters appreciating how much of them remained stuck to their teeth while they completed the survey.

A guest at the Venetian Las Vegas hotel was bit in the testicles by a scorpion in his bed. He was treated and released at a local hospital, and saved $300 off the going rate for being bit in the testicles in your Las Vegas hotel room.

Millennials are poised to become the richest population group in history, with $90 trillion in wealth expected to be transferred to them from prior generations..if they can just hang on in their boomer parents basements for a few more years.

Bowflex filed for bankruptcy, notifying a judge with a 30-minute infomercial he saw on tv at 12:30a.m.

A new satellite was launched into orbit, with a sole purpose to track methane gas – responsible for 30% of global warming. So far it’s produced a detailed map of cow pastures and Mexican restaurants.

Comedian Nick Swardson was deemed too intoxicated to perform and was escorted off stage 20 minutes in to his set at a Colorado theater. Then they brought out Rob Schneider and the crowd asked if Swardson could return.

Ultra-processed foods such as cereals and fizzy drinks have now been linked to 32 harmful health effects. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes boxes are being updated with Tony The Tiger saying “they’re grrrrreat! for gaining weight!”

The family of porn star Emily Willis started a GoFundMe to raise $60,000 to cover her medical bills after an apparent drug overdose. They were going to start an OnlyFans but the nurses kept ruining the shots.

Viral video shows a turf war brawl outside of a Bangkok hotel between transgender prostitutes from Thailand and the Philippines. Police arrested dozens, who were then released in to the custody of TLC Network executives offering them a reality show.

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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.

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A dismembered human penis was found at an Alabama gas station. The diesel fuel pump is pregnant and several big rigs contracted HPV.

Jeweler Tiffany & Co and Nike revealed their anticipated sneaker collaboration, the black suede-and-Tiffany blue Air Force I 1837. Men who drop to one knee and propose with a pair of the sneakers are 0-for-30 so far.

The makers of artificial intelligence tool ChatGPT plan to offer premium product ChatGPT Plus starting at $20/month. In addition to writing your term paper, ChatGPT Plus will find an attractive student to have sex with your professor.

The City of Philadelphia is promising incentives to young men & women for working as lifeguards at city swimming pools this summer. Although the incentivized guards can’t use their new gun to stop horseplay in the pool.

An epic ice storm in the Southern U.S. left over 370,000 customers without power and is blamed for 8 deaths. It’s so bad, Texas Senator Ted Cruz changed destinations from Cancun to Kauai to get far enough away from it.

A Singapore man sued a woman for $2.2 million in damages to his reputation because she refused to date him and wanted to just be friends. Although his attorney claims he’d consider an out-of-court settlement of a handjob.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart said she’s working with the league so that teams can switch from commercial travel to charter. She then boarded the Liberty’s refurbished school bus to ride to their next game in Los Angeles.

The Centers for Disease Control is warning customers not to use EzriCare Artificial Tears eyedrops, as they investigate a possible link between the product and dozens of infections. In the meantime, they recommend titty-twisters and kicks to the balls to generate tears.

Jessica Simpson released an Amazon-exclusive short story about an affair she had 17 years ago with an unnamed “massive movie star” who cheated on his partner. The story is vehemently denied by Rob Schneider.

A woman who claims she got pregnant while using birth control said her baby was born clutching her IUD. The baby also handed over a pinky ring and her spare house keys.

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Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

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A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.

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The Rolling Stones retired the song ‘Brown Sugar’ over its racially-insensitive lyrics depicting slavery. Motley Crue also considered retiring songs that glamourize drug use and objectify women, before realizing they’d have no songs left.

Podcaster Joe Rogan contracted COVID-19 and is unvaccinated, but thinks Americans should get a vaccine and then get the COVID virus to build amazing antibodies. He’s also thinking of doing the same himself for the flu, AIDS and polio.

Donald Trump urged Republicans to sit out 2022 and 2024 elections unless the GOP acknowledges widespread fraud in the 2020 Presidential Election. Meanwhile Trump’s golf buddies plan to sit out games unless Trump acknowledges fraud on every scorecard he’s ever filled out.

Pakistan Airlines suspended flights to Afghanistan, citing extreme interference from the Taliban. Specifically, female flight attendants are being deemed too sexy when they show their hands to point out the exits or demonstrate how seat belts work.

10,000 United Auto Workers union members went on strike at Deere & Co. – makers of John Deere equipment. Factories have shut down because sympathetic employees won’t stage a Deere crossing of picket lines.

Trans employees and allies at Netflix plan a walkout on Wednesday, October 20th, to protest CEO Ted Sarandos’ comments supporting Dave Chappelle’s special ‘The Closer’, which they believe to be transphobic. Other employees plan a walkout to protest Rob Schneider’s Netflix comedy special just because it’s awful.

This weekend NASA’s 12-year ‘Lucy’ mission to explore Jupiter’s Trojan asteroids begins. Lucy spacecraft are being fortified with extra protection in case one of the Trojans breaks.

Laurel Grove Cemetery in New Jersey denies Jessica Tawil’s claims in a now-viral video that they stacked other bodies in her deceased sister Eman’s burial plot. This, despite a headstone reading ‘Vacancy’.

Cher is suing ex-husband Sonny Bono’s widow, Mary, saying Mary has withheld Cher’s royalties for their 1960s hits like ‘I Got You Babe’. Mary fired her lawyer for not working Pro Bono.

Pro golfer Hideki Matsuyama’s errant tee shot hit a spectator in the head, opening a cut that required six stitches to close, once Matsuyama hit the ball out of his skull with a 9-iron.

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Donald Trump was reportedly sicker with COVID-19 last fall than the public realized. Doctors considered placing him on a ventilator, and nurses said he was so weak, they couldn’t feel him grabbing their pussies.

Diabetes drug semaglutide shows unprecedented results helping patients lose weight from weekly injections. However, once injections stop, patients gain weight, so doctors are figuring out how to deliver the drug in cheeseburgers.

Paulina Porizkova, estranged wife of dead Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, said she was left completely broke because he wrote her out of his will. “You might think I have grocery money..” she told her friends.

Chappelle’s Show returned to Netflix after Comedy Central agreed to pay Dave Chappelle millions in royalties. Meanwhile, Rob Schneider sitcom Rob! remains off Netflix, despite Schneider agreeing to pay $13.99/month to subscribe.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin requested federal officials return her passport, so she can leave the country and visit Hawaii.

Actress Brie Larson posted a YouTube video ‘My Morning Routine’. Her routine consists of a series of stretching exercises in a swimsuit, and getting ogled by thousands of creeps.

Tennis’ Australian Open once again banned spectators, after 13 cases of COVID-19 were traced to a Holiday Inn in host city Melbourne. Fortunately, no elite tennis players would be caught dead, or sick, at a Holiday Inn.

Due to COVID, the U.K. economy suffered its worst setback since 1709, when the Great Frost killed off a substantial portion of the population, and the introduction of scones killed even more.

The Houston Texans agreed to release All-Pro defensive tackle J.J. Watt. “Watt?!” said players still stuck on the team.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene allegedly had an extramarital affair with a tantric sex guru who calls himself “The Tantric Warrior”. The revelation is surprising those people finding out tantric sex gurus exist in suburban Georgia.

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New Jersey enacted a law requiring all police officers wear body cameras. Then they passed another law requiring the cameras be worn with the lens facing outward.

Secret Service agents are reportedly being asked if they would consider transferring to Mar-A-Lago after January 20th. “Do we have to guard him too?” asked several candidates.

Dave Chappelle convinced Netflix to remove Chappelle’s Show from the service because he doesn’t collect royalties from it. Netflix also removed Rob Schneider’s comedy special – not because Schneider asked, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Jersey Shore’s Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and his wife are expecting a baby, ‘The Accident’.

Donald Trump plans to attend a Pennsylvania State Legislature hearing in Gettysburg on the state’s election processes at 12:30pm. Then he’ll ask for the Gettysburg Address of the nearest McDonald’s.

A mysterious metal monolith was found in a remote part of the Utah desert. Its purpose and origin were unknown until a jackrabbit came along and recharged his cell phone with it.

Joe Biden will address the nation on Thanksgiving about the alarming rise in COVID-19 cases, then flip a switch that lights a christmas tree and keeps his pacemaker running.

Thousands of prisoners in California State Penitentiaries received fraudulent claims for unemployment benefits, costing the state $20 million. The good news is the high-quality ingredients they purchased made 2020’s toilet wine the best vintage ever.

Scotland became the first country to require free menstrual products in public facilities nationwide. The costs to the nation are expected to be offset by an economic boom in tennis, horseback riding and bicycling.

The audio book for Alex Trebek’s memoir ‘The Answer Is..Reflections on My Life‘ was snubbed by the Grammys in the Best Spoken Word Album category. Grammy officials said the title was not submitted in the form of a question.