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Restaurant chain Founding Farmers is being dragged for adding a 5% “wellness charge” to customer bills to subsidize employees paid vacation & health care. Meanwhile Waffle House quietly added a 5% “illness charge” to pay for customer trips to the emergency room.

A rabid raccoon attacked a student on the Princeton University campus. The raccoon remains at large, but is expected to show up for finals if it wants to keep its scholarship.

A woman who appears to be pregnant has been spotted on several doorbell cameras stealing packages in the Philadelphia suburbs. That, or she stole a basketball and forgot to put it in her trunk.

McDonald’s announced plans to open 10,000 new restaurants. Although bulls say they’re going to have a hard time making enough new cows.

Diabetes & weight-loss drunk Ozempic could be used to treat alcohol abuse. Doctors are hoping they have a new weapon to treat two-thirds of fat, drunk & stupid.

A new study links wasabi to ‘substantial’ boosts in memory – and to the introduction of new Flamin’ Hot Prevagen.

A woman who threw a hot burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle worker was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 60 days working a fast food job. Ironically, her job in jail pays better.

The final Republican Presidential Debate was held last night, with most observers saying Nikki Haley finished first – and Chris Christie last – in the all-important Swimsuit Competition.

Ken Hudson Campbell – who portrayed a local Santa in the original ‘Home Alone‘ – is the beneficiary of a GoFundMe to pay for his cancer surgery. He’s also kind of pissed that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest only gives money to children’s charities.

Daddy Yankee, rapper and King Of Reggaeton, announced he’s retiring from music to devote his life to Christ, and attend churchaton.

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Surveillance video shows escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante crab-walking up the wall in an exterior prison walkway to get to the roof. The manhunt continues to capture and return him to prison so he can lead total-body fitness classes.

The Pennsylvania State Police announced Operation Nighthawk – roving DUI enforcement patrols across the state during the weekend of September 9th. So drive sober or, if you’re a drunk driver who likes a challenge, get on out there.

Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, speaking after a brief hospitalization, discussed her “urgent fetal surgery”. She announced that the first episode of her new reality series, Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, will be titled ‘Urgent Fetal Surgery’.

Following the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v Wade, a new study shows states that have experienced a large increase in abortion services. Abortions in New Mexico increased 220%, as women seek to terminate their pregnancy and tour Carlsbad Caverns.

The Rolling Stones will release Hackney Diamonds – their first album of new music in 18 years – on October 20th. The album features contributions from Lady Gaga, Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, and whoever is donating plasma to Keith Richards.

Google’s Chrome browser turns 15 today. Executives marked the occasion with a party featuring strippers and other adult entertainers they found while in Incognito Mode.

Pepsi-owned Gatorade is introducing Gatorade Water – an electrolyte-infused water. Not to be outdone, Coca-Cola-owned Dasani is planning to introduce a new product that actually tastes like water.

Some illegal U.S. immigrants employed by disaster-relief companies are refusing to go to Florida to help with hurricane recovery efforts. They blame Governor DeSantis’ legislation requiring undocumented workers to be deported or – worse – forced to stay in Florida.

A bombshell Rolling Stone report called The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a ‘toxic workplace’, saying four former writers experienced “suicidal ideation”. NBC defended their workplace, saying there’s nothing unique about wanting to kill yourself if you watch enough of Jimmy Fallon.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick broke up with his longtime girlfriend, Linda Holliday. Belichick is expected to remain single through the regular season, then scout new prospects at the 2024 MILF & Cougar Combine.

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A ‘Price is Right’ contestant dislocated his shoulder while celebrating a game win. During the next round of bidding, a woman in a tight dress pointed at the shoulder and four contestants guessed how much surgery would cost to fix it.

Searchers continue to try and locate the OceanGate submersible craft that disappeared on a dive to view the wreck of the Titanic. Meanwhile, hungry sharks are searching the kitchen of the Titanic for a can opener.

Singing star Adele threatened to cancel her purchase of Sylvester Stallone’s mansion unless she was able to keep a Rocky statue by the pool. However, she had the Tango & Cash statues tossed in the garbage.

Broward County, Florida issued a warning after sightings of giant African land snails, an invasive species that can ruin buildings and infect humans with meningitis. Governor Ron Desantis forbids schools to teach students how the snails got to Florida from Africa.

Taylor Swift announced international dates for her Eras Tour in 2024. Ticketmaster looks forward to gouging fans in a dozen different foreign currencies.

Legal experts say abortion bans could be reversed or bypassed if those seeking abortions say the bans violate their religious freedom. Boyfriends and husbands say they, too, became deeply religious when they found out their partners were pregnant.

Joe Biden & White House staff are meeting regularly to formulate a nationwide artificial intelligence policy – then letting it run the country if he’s reelected.

Following her New York show where she was hit in the face by a smartphone, singer Bebe Rexha performed in Philadelphia, telling the crowd “no phones in the face, thank God!” Her appreciative Philly fans responded by throwing batteries.

Porn star Moriah Mills is threatening to share video of her having sex with her ex, NBA star Zion Williamson. The footage of 6’6″ Williamson and 43-24-44 Mills really shows off the iPhone 14 Pro’s cinematic wide screen feature.

Stephen F. Austin University assistant women’s bowling coach Steve Lemke was fired after admitting to an affair with a student athlete on the team. Lemke’s wife Amber is the team’s head coach, but he still decided to pick up a spare.

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California Governor Gavin Newsom is threatening Florida Governor Ron Desantis with kidnapping & human trafficking charges after illegal immigrants were flown from Florida to Sacramento. Worse, the state of Florida took the immigrants cash for aisle seats and checked baggage fees.

Federal gun charges were filed against the mother of a 6-year-old who shot his teacher in Newport News, Virginia. The good news is, she’s now officially off-the-hook for Snack Mom duty.

Drug maker Merck is suing the U.S. government over their requirement that prescription drug prices be lowered for seniors on Medicare. Merck said the penalties are unfair, and that lowering the price of boner pills for horny old men in retirement communities will bankrupt them in a month.

Apple officially announced its $3,499 Vision Pro virtual reality headset. Apple’s CEO said they’re working on vr content to be offered via Apple TV+, and Apple XXX.

Disney’s ‘The Little Mermaid‘ bombed at the box office in China & South Korea, over what may be race-based backlash from casting a black actress as Ariel. Disney has bigger hopes in Asian markets for its other summer release, ‘The Little iPhone Factory Worker’.

The PGA Tour announced a surprise merger with the Saudi Arabian-backed LIV Golf Tour. The newly-merged pro golf league will kick off in the Middle East with the inaugural We Ordered The Murder Of Journalist Jamal Khashoggi Open.

A Harvard researcher developed a vaccine to curb feral cat populations by preventing ovulation in females. He got the idea after becoming frustrated getting feral cats to use condoms and take birth control pills.

State police in Michigan pursued a 10-year-old boy driving a stolen car. The 10-year-old carjacked the vehicle from the 12-year-old who stole it before him.

Viral video shows a man trying to retrieve a foul ball at a college baseball game trip, causing the child he was holding to smash their head on the ground. He was charged with an error, and the fielder’s choice of telling his wife the truth or lying about it.

A group of 685 people at a Malaysia shopping mall broke a record for the largest gathering of people dressed as Spider Man. The record was certified by a Guinness Book of Records adjudicator who’s apparently never been to San Diego ComicCon.

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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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The new BORG [Blackout Rage Gallon] drinking craze sent 46 UMass Amherst students to the hospital during a pre-St. Patrick’s Day party, where they were treated as VIPs [Vomit Inducing Pumped Stomachs].

Longtime New York Times film critic A.O. Scott is retiring – saying he doesn’t see the point crticizing film since no one will ever top Cocaine Bear.

Los Angeles schools are shut down during a 3-day strike by bus drivers and maintenance workers. The strike coincides with a 3-day Career Fair co-sponsored by Bloods, Crips & Latin Kings.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told a crowd he didn’t know anything about “paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of alleged affair..”. But added that he’s willing to learn.

Google is granting access to Bard, its competitor to artificial intelligence ChatGPT. Google users can sign up for a waitlist, or pay to jump to the head of the line if they have a term paper due.

Mikayla Silavia, a Florida OnlyFans model whose claim-to-fame is her long tongue, sued ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hunter for seizing her social media accounts and sharing explicit content in violation of ‘revenge porn’ laws. Hunter plans to defend the suit, saying he’s not licked yet.

At the Houston Zoo, a 90-year-old male tortoise fathered three new hatchlings with his female partner of 27 years. Zookeepers credit the male’s persistence in asking for 26 years.

Disney CEO Bob Iger reportedly asked execs to compile a list of 4,000 workers to be terminated in April. Disney fans are urged to visit the parks within two weeks if they want a picture with Huey, Dewey or Louie.

A Connecticut man rented a billboard in Times Square to post a photo with his girlfriend along with a marriage proposal to her. She, in turn, rented a billboard the following day to say “no”.

A 29-year-old woman broke a world record by grinding a rail on her skateboard as she exited a plane 9,000 feet in the air over California. She landed safely via parachute and retrieved the skateboard that struck and killed an old lady.

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The Sargussum Belt, a 5,000-mile-long-mass of seaweed circling Florida, threatens to destroy shoreline marine life and hinder tourism with its rotten smell. It already endorses Governor Ron DeSantis for President.

A Texas judge will hear arguments in a landmark case which could ban access to abortion pills across the U.S. He’s expected to issue a ruling before prom season.

Guitarist Brian May was granted knighthood by King Charles II, the first Queen to be knighted since Sir Elton John.

A forklift collapsed at JFK Airport, falling on the operator. He was treated at the scene for serious leg injuries, and after the forklift was set upright, a new operator resumed using it to smash baggage for United Airlines.

Lindsay Lohan announced her first cocaine-free pregnancy.

TikTok banned the account of a man attempting to lose 50 pounds in 100 days by only eating half-portions of McDonald’s meals. TikTok cited its policy against promoting “dangerous weight loss”, and suggested the man incorporate exercise by repeatedly climbing unstable stacks of milk crates.

A man was convicted by a Netherlands court of “stealthing” – removing a condom during sex without his partner’s consent. He was also ordered to repaint the wall where it stuck after tossing it away.

A Illinois woman found her missing husband’s dead body in a closet in December after he’d been missing for eight months. His death was ruled a suicide and her Christmas decorations were ruled unuseable.

18 female guards were fired or resigned from their jobs at a UK men’s prison for engaging in sexual activity with inmates. The prison is categorized as minimum security and maximum intimacy.

A Kentucky middle school principal was arrested on a domestic violence charge during his first day on the job. The teacher who gave him an apple as a welcome gift admits it wasn’t the best idea.

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Google unveiled its rival to Open AI’s ChatGPT, dubbed ‘Bard’. It will be available to the general public in a few weeks, but in the meantime Bard will be used by Google’s “trusted testers” to see how well it helps them cheat on exams.

Southwest Airlines and FedEx jets nearly collided at Austin, Texas’ airport when they were directed to the same runway for their takeoff and landing. Air traffic controllers quickly told Southwest to cancel their takeoff since they were so good at it.

Tom Brady said he’ll start his broadcasting career with Fox in 2024, leading to speculation he may try playing again in 2023, or worse – make 80 For Brady: II.

Actress Megan Fox said on social media that she attended Clive Davis’ pre-Grammys party with a broken wrist and a concussion. Fox’s boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly is now known as Blunt Object Kelly.

Sasha Walpole identified herself as the mystery woman to whom Prince Harry lost his virginity, as he described in his book. Walpole worked as Prince Charles’ “stable girl”, caring for his horses, and occasionally helping a young sire out to stud.

Chris Brown lost in the Grammys Best R&B Album category to Robert Glasper, then angrily tweeted ‘Who is Robert Glasper?’. Brown was then informed that Glasper was a) the guy who won; & b) someone who never punched his girlfriend in the face.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis will appoint all five leaders of Disney’s special tax district in Orlando. Their first order of business will be to require Disney & EPCOT to stop teaching Critical Mouse Theory.

Salma Hayek said Hollywood would never cast her in comedies because she’s too sexy, and thanked Adam Sandler for changing that with the ‘Grown Ups‘ films. Hayek said she now wants to be cast in a comedy that’s actually funny.

Rihanna may go on tour following her Super Bowl halftime performance. With Beyonce and Taylor Swift already planning tours, Ticketmaster is bracing for what they call Hurricane RiBeyTay.

Media celebrity Maria Menounos said she’s expecting a baby with her husband after “a decade of trying” – and boy, are their genitals tired.

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Elon Musk said he would abide by the results of a Twitter poll asking if he should remain CEO, then users voted overwhelmingly that he should step down. Musk then posted another poll asking if he should resign in 2030 or 2040.

Donald Trump then posted a poll on Truth Social asking if he’d be a better President than Ron Desantis, lost, then said the poll was rigged.

Dozens were injured when a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Phoenix to Honolulu encountered severe turbulence. Passengers on board reported seeing the injured lei’ing in the aisles.

A woman learned her father wasn’t her biological dad during a family argument, marking the first time the “I wish you weren’t my father!” line has ever paid off.

In a new survey, 14% of China’s residents said they’ll never travel again. In related news, China jailed government officials for somehow letting 14% of residents take trips.

Iran’s Hadi Choopan won the Mr. Olympia bodybuilding champion. Iranian competitors in Ms. Olympia didn’t fare as well, since judges couldn’t see the muscles under the burqas.

A man was shot and killed in a New Jersey nature preserve. Police are treating it as a murder, but are concerned that deer have finally gotten their own guns.

Father Frank Pavone, a pro-life supporter of ex-President Donald Trump, was dismissed from the Catholic priesthood for ‘blasphemous’ social media posts and disobedience to bishops. Pope Francis said it felt good to fire a priest for something other than molesting kids.

Kris Jenner was asked how she feels about having grandchildren born out of wedlock. She said she’s fine with the ones who have profitable social media accounts.

Salma Hayek said her lap dance scene with Channing Tatum in ‘Magic Mike’s Last Dance’ was “physically challenging”. Hayek, 56, said it was difficult to maneuver in Tatum’s lap without cameras seeing her cane.

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Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.