By |

Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

By |

New research finds that a majority of adults set their home thermostat to temperatures their parent’s did when they were growing up. Although today’s homeowners are less inclined to hit their family members for adjusting it.

Boutique bakery Cupcakes by Melissa is partnering with Claussen Pickles on a limited-time pickle cupcake. It’s surprising because it’s usually a man’s idea to stick a pickle in their cupcake.

Atlantic City’s annual summer Air Show was cancelled after one of the main performers – the Air Force Thunderbirds – pulled out. Atlantic City prostitutes have stepped in to fill the void with an Under-The-Boardwalk Ground Show.

A pig escaped a livestock transport truck and ran loose on a Philadelphia highway, but was captured after causing a long traffic jam. The now-famous pig will get its picture on the tube of scrapple it’s turned in to.

The Mediterranean Diet reportedly helps with acne. But don’t rub the olive oil on your zits.

A man who lost his voice to cancer received a full larynx replacement. The operation was a success, even though they didn’t use his wife’s as the donor organ like he’d asked.

Samsung factory workers in South Korea called an indefinite labor strike, seeking better pay and working conditions. This is different from the Apple factory strike where workers there demanded the ability to finish sixth grade.

Starbucks gave away free reusable straws as a way to help reduce waste, because where else can you blow $8 on iced coffee and feel good about it?

A local charity sponsored a free swimsuit giveaway at Philadelphia’s public swimming pools. Then Philadelphia cops showed up to arrest the dozen adults who showed up to help the children try the swimsuits on.

The U.S. military will end the operation where they constructed an offshore pier to assist deliveries of aid to war-torn Gaza. They also said it was probably a bad idea to put a ferris wheel and carnival games on the pier.

By |

A Philadelphia man was assaulted by dirt bikers & ATV riders as they tried to steal his scooter. Philadelphia notches the first recorded case of ScootJacking.

Dora The Explorer is getting a reboot on Paramount +, after Dora emerged from extensive counseling following her work with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider in the early 2000s.

Five military horses escaped and ran wild through the streets of central London, damaging cars and injuring pedestrians. Authorities pursued the horses through late afternoon, until the horses stopped for tea & scones.

Actress Christina Applegate said on her podcast that she’s been sick for three weeks with sapovirus – accidental ingestion of human fecal matter. Applegate announced she’s no longer a Brand Ambassador for Saladworks.

TikTok’s CEO vowed to fight a U.S. law requiring the Chinese government’s sale of the app within a year. The U.S. Government said if they can’t make them sell it, they’ll make them change the name to MySpace and everyone will just stop using it.

South Korea is considering a ban on the iPhone for use by their armed forces, because they deem it a security threat. This follows a move by North Korea, which has already banned paper cups atttached to strings for the same reason.

Motley Crue signed with record label Big Machine, with frontman Vince Neil saying “we don’t want to stagnate”. This Friday, they’ll release a new single, ‘Dogs Of War’, with Billboard projecting it could land at #1 on the Stagnated Dinosaur Rock chart.

Theresa Nist, ex-wife of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, told People magazine in a new interview that she “found a new joy in life” – as she opened the drawer of her nightstand.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said WNBA star Caitlin Clark is getting “screwed” by Nike over her 8-year, $28 million endorsement deal that includes a signature Clark shoe. Nike defended the deal, saying it also includes a matching Caitlin Clark belt and handbag.

A Texas high school cheerleader who was named Valedictorian was notified that a calculation error was found, dropping her to 3rd in the class. However, her measurements were verified so she still gets to keep her cheerleading scholarship offers.

By |

Donald Trump spent $55 million of donor money on legal fees last year. His lawyers promised him a “large cash settlement” – which he got, but he has to pay it.

Trump said on Truth Social that he’s interviewing new lawyers to replace Alina Habba, who lost his defamation case and potentially cost him $83 million. Joining him in the interviews is wife Melania, who’s also looking for a lawyer, but won’t say why.

Bradley Cooper said watching co-star Vince Vaughn in ‘Wedding Crashers‘ changed his approach to acting because of Vaughn’s “willingness to fail”. Cooper’s comments appear in the new issue of Backhanded Compliments magazine.

Comcast agreed to stop using its ‘Xfinity 10G Network’ brand, after a ruling that it misleads consumers regarding Internet speeds. They will use 10G in other ways, like saying it costs a family 10G’s every couple years for cable,internet & phone service.

Netflix announced its full slate of tv shows coming in 2024, and, if they’re renewed, coming back in 2027.

Taylor Swift informed the NFL that she won’t make a cameo performance in Usher’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. Instead she’ll sit in a suite and be the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th quarter show.

A three-year-old toddler in Australia got stuck in a claw machine filled with stuffed animals and toys. Police arrived and broke the machine’s glass to free him, and arrested a man who’d unsuccessfully spent $200 trying to get the boy out.

The South Korean government urged citizens to stop eating deep-fried starchy toothpicks, since they’re concerned about food safety. Instead, they ask that South Koreans stick to eating cabbage that’s been fermented at room temperature for months.

February 1st marks the 20th Anniversary of ‘Nipplegate’, with Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breasts during the Super Bowl halftime show. Boobs did not reappear during Super Bowl halftime until 2011, when Black Eyed Peas showed up.

The Russian military has reportedly developed camouflage ‘invisibility cloaks’ capable of hiding soldiers at distances as close as 3 feet. They made the announcement after testing them in years-long games of Hide & Seek with Russian kindergartners.

By |

The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate searching for classified documents. No word on what they took, but so far the biggest revelation is agents walked in on Pete Davidson banging Melania.

Toyota is offering to buy back its BZ4X electric SUV because the wheels can fall off. It’s the first known case of defective truck nuts.

Serena Williams announced she’s “evolving away from tennis” after the U.S. Open – leading to sighs of relief from line judges who can now call foot faults without being threatened with a ball being rammed down their throat.

North Korea is destroying properties at the Mount Kumgang resort area bordering South Korea. It’s hard to believe, but Trip Advisor reviews for North Korea vacations are getting even worse.

A Texas church was issued a cease-and-desist order for staging an unauthorized production of ‘Hamilton’, with lyrics changed to Bible references, and a sermon comparing homosexuality to drug addiction. After rewrites, the church plans to premiere ‘Jesus Hamilton Superstar’.

Ezra Miller, star of upcoming DC Films movie ‘The Flash’, was arrested on felony burglary charges in Vermont. An emergency meeting will be held to discuss Flash’s removal as an honorary member of the Super Friends.

Tom Cruise will reportedly star in an upcoming song-and-dance musical, working title Mission Im-Paso Doble.

China has identified a new, potentially lethal, virus within its borders, the Langya Henipavirus. To distinguish it from influenza and coronavirus, they’re simply calling it the Number 3.

Singer & actress Olivia Newton John passed away following a lenghty battle with cancer. Flags were lowered to half-staff in her native Australia, and at Rydell High.

An Ohio-based team set the world record for Fastest Monster Truck when their Jeep Gladiator topped out at 101.84mph, before running out of gas after 1/10th of a mile.

By |

OnlyFans is banning porn, and changing its name to FewerFans.

Britney Spears’ housekeeper alleges Britney took her phone and struck her in a dispute over the care of a dog. Britney disputes the claim, but the dog has been assigned a conservator.

Mike Richards announced he will not be the permanent host of Jeopardy! amidst scrutiny of his past behavior. Richards will continue as Executive Producer, and attempt to find a full-time female host with a decent rack.

As cases in the state surge, a Jacksonville, Florida library was converted to a COVID-19 treatment site. The head librarian said it was nice & quiet in there for a change.

A family of three and their dog were all found dead on a remote hiking trail in the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite. Officials are mystified as to cause of death, but took the opportunity to remind other families how much hiking sucks.

Malaysia has its third Prime Minister in 3 years. Malaysia is one of the few countries in the civilized world that selects its leader via a talent show.

An ad agency created a campaign using Tinder and Snapchat to encourage Gen-Z and millenials to get COVID-19 vaccines – and, just maybe, a no-strings hookup with a nurse.

South Korea’s Ministry of Culture declared the official Chinese name of kimchi – spicy, fermented vegetables – be changed to ‘xingi’, from ‘pao cai’. It provided sample sentences like “No xingi for me, because it smells like ass”.

Beyonce’s father, Mathew Knowles, shut down rumors of a Destiny’s Child reunion, saying his daughter can’t remember who the other two are any more.

A Goodwill thrift in Connectucut sold a sealed, unopened copy of 1986 Nintendo videogame ‘The Legend of Zelda’ for $411,000. The donor was thrilled to help, but disappointed that the used Wii console she donated only got twenty bucks.

By |

Freeze dried mouse sperm stored for six years on the International Space Station was used to produce a healthy brood of 168 mouse pups. But the real story is how astronaut mice masturbated in a freezer on the International Space Station.

McDonald’s customers in South Korea & Taiwan had their personal data exposed, in a data breach the company is calling Big Hac.

A Cape Cod lobster diver survived being stuck in a humpback whale’s mouth for 20 seconds. He was spit out, but then returned with the lemons and melted butter the whale asked for.

An Arby’s employee was fired after writing a homophobic slur on couple’s receipt. The employee plans to appeal, saying he was just trying to say that Arby’s sandwiches are stuffed with beef.

A Pennsylvania woman was charged with DUI with seven children in her car. She told cops she’d been drinking, mostly because of the seven children in her car.

June 12th is Loving Day, commemorating the U.S.’ legalization of interracial marriage, and paving the way for the interracial couples we now see in dozens of breakfast cereal and laundry detergent ads.

A Boston commuter rail train will transform into the ‘Vax Express’, offering on-board COVID vaccines in underserved areas. Riders are asked to pay attention so they don’t confuse the ‘Vax Express’ with the ‘Heroin Local’.

Wasabi the Pekingese was named Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Bourbon the Whippet was named runner-up, and will fulfill Best In Show duties if Wasabi cannot recover from all the blow he snorted to celebrate his big win.

An Italian woman awoke from a 10-month coma to discover she’d given birth. Her husband then told her it’s his turn for a 10-month coma.

Google announced its Workplace suite of chat, shared documents and spreadsheets are now free and available to for all 3 billion people with a Google account to ask “how does this work again?”

By |

Indianapolis Museum of Art President Charles Venable resigned, after writing an insensitive job description for a new Director to “maintain their traditional, core, white art audience”. Residents of Indianapolis responded “.. we have an art museum?”

Tim Tebow is retiring from professional baseball after playing five seasons in the minor leagues. He plans to start a family with his wife once they figure out where babies come from.

Disneyland reopened the former Rainforest Cafe, vacant since 2018, as a Star Wars store. It’s been open several days, and park police have already arrested several Sand People for stealing droids.

Amidst power outages and freezing temperatures in Texas, Senator Ted Cruz was blasted for traveling to Cancun, Mexic – giving Texas; other Senator, John Cornyn, the distraction he needed to drive to Ft. Lauderdale and judge a wet t-shirt contest.

Facing proposed laws requiring social media platforms to pay news sites, Facebook blocked Australians from posting news articles. So good luck finding those cute baby kangaroo photos.

Gwyneth Paltrow said she is recovering from COVID-19, and still has symptoms like ‘brain fog’ and fatigue. However, she’s hopeful the healing jade egg she sells on Goop for $300 to stick in your vagina will work as advertised.

Rush Limbaugh died Wednesday, on ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ Day. “You’re welcome” said God.

A newlywed couple in South Korea were shocked to learn the Grand Josun Hotel sauna’s mirrored wall let other guests see them naked from the outside. Guests who paid to look in the sauna were shocked there wasn’t a better-looking couple in it.

Fourteen people in a Philadelphia suburb were arrested for illegally distributing 31 guns. Cops call it illegal firearms trafficking, defendants called it the best ‘Secret Santa’ ever.

Demi Lovato said she suffered three strokes, a heart attack and vision loss following a drug overdose. She also said her music has surged in popularity among nursing home residents, since they have so much in common.

By |

The CDC is meeting to determine the first recipients of COVID-19 vaccines – not counting the ones who keep it after the White Elephant gift exchange at the CDC office Christmas party.

After a large metal monolith was placed in a remote Utah desert and then removed, another has been found in Romania. Many believe the tall steel monuments are the work of aliens who don’t know how to find someplace cool to leave their mark.

‘Not Wanted’ posters of Ivanka Trump are appearing in New York City. Trump is reportedly planning to move her family to New Jersey or Florida – places that aren’t as prone to negative publicity.

On Monday morning, outgoing First Lady Melania Trump unveiled the f**king White House Christmas decorations.

Sean Hannity admitted to his Fox News show’s audience that he doesn’t ‘vet’ the content that airs on it, right before Betsy Devos made her cable television stand-up comedy debut.

Barack Obama admitted that he received national security briefings regarding UFOs, but wouldn’t say if he believed them. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is seeking additional funding for the Space Force.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly received an experimental COVID-19 vaccine. News agencies claim it was delivered from China, but Kim said he developed it himself at his remote Fortress Of Solitude.

South Korea modified its military service requirement so a member of boy-band BTS won’t have to join the Army on his 28th birthday. South Korean soldiers are bummed they won’t get to learn any new choreography for parades.

McRib returns to all McDonald’s locations on Wednesday, according to a McDonald’s spokesperson, and to the senior agent leading a Secret Service motorcade departing the White House at 11:50p.m. tonight.

A possible tornado damaged a Costco in suburban Philadelphia on Monday. A real tornado, not shoppers trying to score a $300 70-inch tv.

By |

Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign has reportedly hired a comedy writer to punch up his material. No one knows the writer’s identity, but Bloomberg’s campaign slogan has changed from ‘Mike Will Get It Done’ to ‘Mike Will GIT ‘ER DONE!’

The White House has reportedly demanded that all communications related to coronavirus actions be routed through VP Mike Pence. In turn, he is required to route all communications through Head Coronavirus Prayer Warrior Karen Pence.

Chinese swimming champion Sun Yang has been banned from the sport for eight years over doping violations. Other swimmers are concerned the water will be cold without Sun hitting it.

  • Reached for comment about Sun Yang’s ban, China’s President Xi Jinping said “Yeah, we kinda have a bigger problems right now..”

A ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ contestant solved the puzzle ‘A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER’ with only the letters N and T showing. Wheel Of Fortune superfans wished that they, too, knew how to read.

Taylor Swift released a new video for her song ‘The Man’, in which she appears dressed as a bearded man in a suit. She was promptly praised by feminists and forced to apologize to transgender males.

A boat used for the Disney World Jungle Cruise ride sank in shallow water while filled with passengers. No one was injured, except for bites from ducks Huey, Dewey & Louie.

A lesbian teacher in Texas, suspended for showing students a picture of her future wife, won a $100,000 settlement with her school district – equal to ten times her annual salary.

A 39-year-old woman wearing a Cookie Monster costume was found passed out behind the wheel of her car and was treated with Narcan for a suspected heroin overdose. She was rushed to a local hospital, where her visit was sponsored by the letters N and H.

South Korea leads the world in male beauty treatment, with 75% of men getting a grooming or beauty treatment at least once a week. The remaining 25% have not yet joined a boy band.

This week the National Football League holds its Rookie Combine workouts in Indianapolis. In addition to sprinting, high jumping and bench-presses, this year each athlete is repeatedly struck in the head with a frying pan to gauge how many hits they can take before self-reporting a concussion.